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Bad Jokes  Rating:  Rating
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 Posted: Mon Oct 22nd, 2007 10:13 am
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srossi

 

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These are always fun.

 

Larry and Bob wanted to go out drinking, but they only had $2.00 between
them.

Larry said, "Hang on, I have an idea." He went next door to the
butcher's shop and spent the $2.00 on one sausage.

Bob said, "Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money left at all!"

Larry replied, "Don't worry - just follow me." They went into the
pub where Larry immediately ordered two double shots of Jack Daniels.

Bob said, "Now you've lost it! Do you know how much trouble we will be in?
We haven't got any money to pay for this!"

Larry replied, with a smile," Don't worry - I have a plan. Cheers!"

They downed their drinks and Larry said "OK! I'll stick the sausage through
my zipper and you get on your knees and put it in your mouth."

Said and done. The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.

They continued this, bar after bar, getting more and more drunk, all for
free.

At the tenth bar, Bob said, "Larry - I don't think I can do this anymore. My
mouth is sore and my knees are killing me!"

Larry said, "How do you think I feel? I lost the sausage at the third bar!"



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 Posted: Mon Oct 22nd, 2007 10:23 am
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lobo316



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WO-HOO. Most people are here for the porn. I'm here for
the bad jokes.

A camel and an elephant meet.
The elephant asked the camel:
"Why do you have tits on your back?"
The camel, clearly irritated, replies:
"What a silly question from someone who has a dick on his face."



 

 

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 Posted: Mon Oct 22nd, 2007 09:21 pm
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gwlee7



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If there are two flies in the kitchen, how do you know which one is the cowboy?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

He's the one on the range.



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I just think it's amazing that Trump is really on Twitter all day, personally writing this shit. He's about 3 beers away from joining S&W and getting into a flame war with Ports.----srossi
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 Posted: Tue Oct 23rd, 2007 01:27 am
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beejmi
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A cop pulls over a blonde because her car is weaving all over the road. When he bends down he can smell booze on her breath.

"I'm going to give you a Breathalyzer test to see if you're under the influence of alcohol", he says.

She blows up the balloon, then he walks it back to the police car to run the test.

He comes back to her car and says, "It looks like you've had a couple of stiff ones."

She says "You mean that shows up as well?"

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 Posted: Tue Oct 23rd, 2007 05:53 pm
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lobo316



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This sizes it up!


I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:

I do physical labour.
I work at great depths.
I plunge head first into everything I do.
I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
I work in a damp environment.
I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
I work in high temperatures.
My work exposes me to contagious diseases
__________________________________________________ ___________


Dear Penis

After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:

You do not work 8 hours straight.
You fall asleep after brief work periods.
You do not always follow the orders of the management team.
You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations.
You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.
You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing.
You will retire well before you are 65.
You are unable to work double shifts.
You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed the assigned task.
And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the work place carrying two suspicious-looking bags.

Sincerely
The Management

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 Posted: Fri Oct 26th, 2007 08:28 pm
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beejmi
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Rick was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary.

His wife was really angry. She told him, 'tomorrow morning I expect to
find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 180 in less than 6 seconds ....AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!'

The next morning Rick got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Puzzled, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, and brought the box back in the house.

She opened it and found....a brand new bathroom scale.

Rick has been missing since Monday.

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 Posted: Fri Oct 26th, 2007 11:22 pm
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khawk
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lobo316 wrote:
And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the work place carrying two suspicious-looking bags.




 

 



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 Posted: Fri Nov 2nd, 2007 04:09 pm
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beejmi
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Little Johnny's dad was a retired gambler. Having picked up a few of his old man's bad habits, Johnny wagered on anything and everything, and he was good at it. Eventually, it became such a problem, that Johnny's teacher called his father to discuss it. After a long conversation, they decided to teach him a lesson.

One day after class Johnny approached his teacher. "You're not really blonde," he said. "I've seen your bush and it's pitch black, you dye your hair."

"I most certainly do not," she replied.

"I bet you ten bucks you do," he said.

She saw that this was an opportunity to teach him a lesson, so she waited for all the other children to leave the class and took off her pants, showing him that her pubic hair was the same color as the hair on her head. Johnny paid her the ten dollars and walked sullenly out of the room. 

A few hours later Johnny's teacher called his father. "I think I finally taught him a lesson," she said.

"The hell you have," his father said angrily. "This morning he bet me $50 he'd see your vagina before the end of the day."

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 Posted: Fri Nov 30th, 2007 12:07 pm
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lobo316



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The pope had become very ill and was taken
to many doctors, all of whom could not
figure out how to cure him. Finally he was
brought to an old physician, who stated that
he could figure it out.

After about an hour's examination he came
out and told the cardinals that he knew what
was wrong. He said that the bad news was that
it was a rare disorder of the testicles. He
said that the goods news was that all the
pope had to do to be cured was to have sex.
Well, this was not good news to the cardinals,
who argued about it at length. Finally they
went to the pope with the doctor and explained
the situation. After some thought,the pope
stated, "I agree but under four conditions."

The cardinals were amazed and there arose
quite an uproar. Over all of the noise there
arose a single voice that asked, "And what
are the four conditions?"

The room stilled. There was a long pause. The
pope replied, "First the girl must be blind,
so that she cannot see with whom she is having
sex.

"Second, she must be deaf, so that she cannot
hear with whom she is having sex.

"And third she must be dumb so that if somehow
she figures out with who she is having sex, she
can tell no one."

After another long pause a voice arose and asked,
"And the fourth condition?" The pope smiled and
replied, "Big tits."
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 Posted: Fri Nov 30th, 2007 12:17 pm
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amerorig



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A guy comes home from work to find his wife furiously packing her bags. 

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING?"

"I'm LEAVING YOU , FUCKER!! I FOUND OUT THAT A WOMAN CAN MAKE $500.00 AN HOUR FOR SEX IN LAS VEGAS!"

"HOLY SHIT!!", He says and starts furiously packing his bags.

"WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU GOING?", She asks him

"ME? I'M GOING WITH YOU, I WANNA SEE HOW YOU ARE GOING TO LIVE ON $1000.00 A YEAR!!"


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 Posted: Tue Dec 18th, 2007 05:45 pm
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beejmi
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Jim and his wife are having hard financial times, so they decide that she'll become a hooker.

She's not quite sure what to do, so Jim says, "Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy. Tell him that you charge a hundred bucks. If you got a question, I'll be parked around the corner."

She's standing there for 5 minutes when a guy pulls up and asks, "How much?" She says, "A hundred dollars."He says, "All I got is thirty". She says, "Hold on," and runs back to Jim and asks, "What can he get for thirty?""A hand job", Jim replies.

She runs back and tells the guy all he gets for thirty dollar is a hand job. He agrees. She gets in the car. He unzips his pants, and out pops this HUGE ......She stares at it for a minute, and then says, "I'll be right back." She runs back to Jim, and asks, "Can you loan this guy seventy bucks?"

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 Posted: Fri Dec 21st, 2007 04:12 pm
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lobo316



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A woman was in a coma. Nurses were in her room giving her a sponge bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a response on the monitor when she touched her. They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, "Crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma."

The husband was sceptical, but they assured him that they'd close the curtains for privacy. The hubby finally agreed and went into his wife's room. After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate. The nurses ran into the room.

The husband was standing there, pulling up his pants, and said, "I think she choked."

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 Posted: Fri Dec 28th, 2007 04:57 pm
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beejmi
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First ever "blonde guy" joke I have ever heard

 

An Irishman , a  Mexican and a Blonde Guy  were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building. 

They were eating lunch and the Irishman said,  "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building." 

The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed,  "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too." 

The blonde opened his lunch and said,  " Bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too." 

The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death. 

The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too.

The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.  

At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping.She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!"

The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."


Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. The blonde's wife said,  

"Don't look at me. He makes his own lunch."


 


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 Posted: Sat Dec 29th, 2007 04:15 pm
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lobo316



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This is the worse joke I've ever posted.

 

A priest in a small rural town was very fond of his 10 chickens
and 1 handsome cock he kept in a hen house behind the rectory. One Saturday night the priest discovered that the rooster was missing. At the same time the Priest heard rumours of cockfights being held in town. Shocked and dismayed, he decided to say something during Mass.

During Mass he asked the congregation, "Who among you will
confess to sporting a handsome cock?" All the men stood up.

"No, no," he said. "That's not what I mean. Who among you will
confess to having seen a handsome cock?" All the women stood up.

"Oh, no," he said. "That's not what I mean either. Who among you
will confess to having seen a cock that doesn't belong to you?" Half
the women stood up.

"Oh Lord," he said. "Perhaps I should rephrase the question:
"Has anybody seen my cock?"
All the choir boys stood up.

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 Posted: Sat Dec 29th, 2007 04:24 pm
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srossi

 

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Guaranteed that joke winds up on Raw next week.



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