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Bad Jokes  Rating:  Rating
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 Posted: Mon Dec 8th, 2008 04:42 pm
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136th Post
lobo316



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Howard is 95 and lives in a senior citizen home. Every night after dinner, Howard goes to a secluded garden behind the center to sit and ponder his accomplishments and long life. One evening, Annabel, age 87, wanders into the garden. They begin to chat, and before they know it, several hours have passed. After a short lull in their conversation, Howard turns to Annabel and asks, "Do you know what I miss most of all?"
She asks "What?" and he replies "SEX!!!" Annabel exclaims, "Why you old fart, you couldn't get it up if I held a gun to your head!"
"I know", Howard says, "but it would be nice if a woman just held  it...for a while".
"Well, I can oblige", says Annabel, who gently unzips his trousers and removes his manhood and proceeds to hold it.
Afterward, they agree to meet secretly each night in the garden where they would sit and talk and Annabel would hold Howard's manhood.
Then, one night, Howard didn't show up at their usual meeting place.
Alarmed, Annabel decided to find Howard and make sure that he was O.K.
She walked around the senior citizen home where she found him sitting by the pool with another female resident who was holding Howard's manhood!
Furious, Annabel yelled, "You two-timing creep! What does she have that I don't have?"
Howard smiled and replied, "Parkinson's."

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 Posted: Wed Dec 24th, 2008 01:46 am
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beejmi
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An 86 year old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.The Receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?" "There's something wrong with my dick", he replied.
The Receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that." "Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.
The Receptionist replied; "Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private."
The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.
The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?"
"There's something wrong with my ear", he stated.
The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, sir?" "It burns when I piss out of it," he replied.

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 Posted: Thu Dec 25th, 2008 03:19 pm
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Benlen



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A woman was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to her husband, 'I feel
horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.
I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'



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Only thing harder than achieving excellence is maintaining it.
Dream Well. It may come true.

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 Posted: Thu Dec 25th, 2008 09:51 pm
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lobo316



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A man walks into the dentist's office with a toothache, and
after the dentist examines him, he says, "That tooth has to come out.
I'm going to give you a shot of Novocain and I'll be backin a few
minutes."
The man grabs the dentist's arm, "No way! I hate needles,
and I'm not having any shot." So, the dentist says, "Okay. We'll go with
the gas."
The man replies, "Absolutely not! It makes me sick for a
couple of days. I'm not having gas."
The dentist steps out and comes back with a glass of water.
"Here," he says, "Take this pill."
The man asks, "What is it?" And the dentist replies,
"Viagra." The man looks surprised, "Will that kill the pain?"
"No," replies the dentist, "but it will give you something
to hang on to while I pull your tooth."

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 Posted: Sat Dec 27th, 2008 05:54 pm
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thunderbolt
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A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him.
She says hello and, he's rather taken back because he can't place where he
knows her from. So he says, "Do you know me?"

To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to
his wife and says, "Are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made
love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching; while your partner
whipped my butt with a wet celery stalk?"

She looks into his eyes and says calmly, "No, I'm your son's teacher."



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The kind of man who wants the government to adopt and enforce his ideas is always the kind of man whose ideas are idiotic. ~ HL Mencken
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 Posted: Sat Dec 27th, 2008 09:31 pm
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beejmi
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thunderbolt wrote: A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him.
She says hello and, he's rather taken back because he can't place where he
knows her from. So he says, "Do you know me?"

To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to
his wife and says, "Are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made
love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching; while your partner
whipped my butt with a wet celery stalk?"

She looks into his eyes and says calmly, "No, I'm your son's teacher."

I think we've all been there at one time or another

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 Posted: Sun Dec 28th, 2008 04:48 am
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Benlen



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For his birthday, little Joseph asked for a 10-speed
bicycle. His father said, 'Son, we'd give you one, but
the mortgage on this house is $280,000 & your mother
just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it.'

The next day the father saw little Joseph heading out
the front door with a suitcase. So he asked, 'Son,
where are you going?' Little Joseph told him; 'I was
walking past your room last night and heard you
telling mom you were pulling out. Then I heard her
tell you to wait because she was coming too. And I'll
be damned if I'm staying here by myself with a
$280,000 mortgage & no bike.



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Dream Well. It may come true.

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 Posted: Sun Dec 28th, 2008 06:31 am
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Married Jo



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This is "bad" jokes, so here goes:


Pedophile is walking into the woods with a 9 year old boy, the boy starts to cry and the pedophile asks "Why are you crying?" and the boy says "I'm scared..." and the pedophile says "YOU'RE SCARED?!?! I gotta walk back out of these woods ALONE!"




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Well, Im of the opinion that one wouldnt actually have to eat the corn out of Chynas shit to know that nothing good could come of it. - Portalesman
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 Posted: Sun Dec 28th, 2008 09:14 am
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srossi

 

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Q: Do you like Kipling?
A: I don't know, I've never kippled.



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This thread was great before AA ruined it.
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 Posted: Sun Dec 28th, 2008 03:35 pm
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lobo316



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A murderer, imprisoned for life, broke free after 15 years and was on the run He broke into a house and tied up the young couple he found in the bedroom; the man to a chair on one side of the room and his wife to the bed The helpless husband watched him get on the bed, straddle his wife and start to nuzzle her neck His wife started to move her head violently, at which the man got up and left the room The husband squirmed the chair across the room to his young wife and hissed, "Darling, I saw him kissing you He probably hasn't seen a woman in years Please cooperate If he wants to have sex, just go along with it and even pretend you like it Whatever you do don't fight him or make him mad Our lives may depend on it!" "Darling," the wife said, spitting out her gag "I'm so relieved you feel that way He wasn't kissing me, he was whispering to me He told me he thinks you're really cute and asked if we kept the Vaseline in the bathroom"

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 Posted: Sun Dec 28th, 2008 05:53 pm
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Benlen



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A nice-looking woman went out with her group of friends to golf one morning. Not long into her round a bee stung her, causing great pain. Thinking perhaps she was going into shock, she raced her golf cart back to the club house. The first person that sees her is the club pro, and she runs up to him crying.

The pro asks her "What happened!?"

She replies "I got stung by a bee, and it really hurts!"

"Where at?"

"Between the first and second hole!"

"Oh, well then your stance is too wide."



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Only thing harder than achieving excellence is maintaining it.
Dream Well. It may come true.

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 Posted: Mon Dec 29th, 2008 05:03 am
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Benlen



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A man returns home a day early from a business trip. It's after midnight.
While en route home he asks the cabby if he would be a witness. The man suspects his wife is having an affair and he wants to catch her in the act.

For $100, the cabby agrees. Quietly arriving home, the husband and cabby tiptoe into the bedroom. The husband switches on the lights, yanks the blanket back and there is his wife in bed with another man!

The husband puts a gun to the naked man's head. The wife shouts, 'Don't do it! I lied when I told you I inherited money. HE paid for the Corvette I gave you. HE paid for our new cabin cruiser. HE paid for your season football tickets. HE paid for our house at the lake. HE paid for our country club membership, and HE even pays the monthly dues!'

Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband lowers the gun. He looks over at the cabby and says, 'What would you do?'

The cabby replies, 'I'd cover his ass with that blanket before he catches
cold.'



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Only thing harder than achieving excellence is maintaining it.
Dream Well. It may come true.

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 Posted: Sun Jan 11th, 2009 01:12 am
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beejmi
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A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet, and have dinner
with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her
boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the
first time.

The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the
pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and
the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour.

He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.

At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy,
a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack.

The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it
being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his
girlfriend at the door. 'Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on
in!'

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents
are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.

A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.

10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.

Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and
whispers to the boyfriend, 'I had no idea you were this religious.'

The boy turns, and whispers back, 'I had no idea your father was a pharmacist.'

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 Posted: Tue Jan 13th, 2009 01:49 am
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beejmi
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A college professor was doing a study testing the senses of
first graders, using a bowl of lifesavers. He gave all the children the same kind of lifesavers, one at a time, and asked them to identify them by color and flavor.

The children began:

"Red............cherry,"
"Yellow.........lemon,"
"Green..........lime,"
"Orange........orange."

Finally the professor gave them all a HONEY-flavored
lifesaver.

After eating them for a few moments none of the children could identify the taste. "Well," he said "I'll give you all a clue. It's what your mother may sometimes call your father."

One little girl looked up in horror, spit hers out and yelled,

"Oh My God!!!! They're assholes

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 Posted: Wed Jan 28th, 2009 10:42 pm
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srossi

 

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A priest, a rapist, and a pedophile walk into a bar - and that's just the first guy.



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This thread was great before AA ruined it.
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