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Bad Jokes  Rating:  Rating
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 Posted: Sat Dec 29th, 2007 08:28 pm
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Heretic



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Shakespeare made cock jokes.

By Gis and by Saint Charity,
Alack, and fie for shame!
Young me will do't, if they come to't;
By Cock, they are to blame.

Hamlet, Act IV, Scene 5.



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 Posted: Mon Jan 21st, 2008 08:33 pm
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beejmi
The Big Kahuna


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The parish  priest went on a fishing trip.

On the last  day of his trip he hooked a monster fish and proceeded to reel
it  in.


The guide,  holding a net, yelled, "Look at the size of that Son of a  Bitch!"

"Son, I'm a  priest. Your language is uncalled for!"

"No,  Father, that's what kind of fish it is - a Son of a Bitch  fish!"


"Really?  Well then, help me land this Son of a Bitch!"

Once in the  boat, they marveled at the size of the monster.

"Father,  that's the biggest Son of a Bitch I've ever seen"

"I agree,  it's a big Son of a Bitch. What should I do with it?"

"Why, eat  it! Of course. You've never tasted anything as good as a Son of a
Bitch!"


Elated, the  priest headed home to the rectory.

While  unloading his gear and his prize catch, Sister Mary inquired about his
 trip.


"Take a  look at this big Son of a Bitch I caught!"


Sister Mary  gasped and clutched her rosary, "Father!"


"It's OK,  Sister. That's what kind of fish it is, a Son of a Bitch  fish!"


"Oh, well  then, what are you going to do with that big Son of a Bitch?"


Sister Mary  informed the priest that the new Bishop was scheduled to visit
in a few days and  that they should fix the Son of a Bitch for his dinner.


"I'll even  clean the Son of a Bitch", she said.



As she was  cleaning the huge fish, the Friar walked in.


"What are  you doing Sister?"


"Father  wants me to clean this big Son of a Bitch for the new Bishop's
Dinner"


Sister!  I'll clean it if you're so upset! Please watch your  language!"


No, no,  no, it's called a Son of a Bitch Fish."


"Really?  Well, in that case, I'll fix up a great meal to go with it, and that Son of a  Bitch can be the main course!


Let me know when you've finished cleaning that Son of a Bitch."


On the  night of the new Bishop's visit, everything was perfect. The Friar
had prepared  an excellent meal.


The wine  was fine, and the fish was excellent.


The new  Bishop said, "This is great fish, where did you get it?"


"I caught  that Son of a Bitch!" proclaimed the proud priest.


"And I  cleaned the Son of a Bitch!" exclaimed the Sister.


The Friar  added, "And I prepared the Son of a Bitch, using a special  recipe!


The new  Bishop looked around at each of them.


You  fuckers are my kind of people!"

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 Posted: Tue Jan 22nd, 2008 10:33 am
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beejmi
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Only runs a minute but pretty entertaining

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aYchhHHObVM

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 Posted: Wed Jan 23rd, 2008 01:32 pm
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lobo316



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Two neighboring farmers cannot stop feuding.

One, out hunting, shoots a duck which falls inside the other's field.

Climbing over the fence, he is stopped by farmer Beejmi who claims the duck as his since it ended up in his field.

After much arguing farmer Jeff states that he is prepared to settle the matter by the Viking method.

He explains that the method involves kicking each other in the nuts until one gives up, and the other is the winner.

Farmer Beejmi agrees reluctantly.

Farmer Beejmi states that since they are on his land, he goes first. Farmer Jeff stands with legs apart and hands on hips while farmer Beejmi takes an almighty swing with his foot and sends farmer Jeff into the air.

After ten minutes writhing on the ground farmer Jeff eventually gets to his feet and prepares to take his turn.

Farmer Beejmi turns and walks away saying " O.K. I give in! You keep the duck!"

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 Posted: Wed Jan 23rd, 2008 01:45 pm
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amerorig



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lobo316 wrote: Two neighboring farmers cannot stop feuding.

One, out hunting, shoots a duck which falls inside the other's field.

Climbing over the fence, he is stopped by farmer Beejmi who claims the duck as his since it ended up in his field.

After much arguing farmer Jeff states that he is prepared to settle the matter by the Viking method.

He explains that the method involves kicking each other in the nuts until one gives up, and the other is the winner.

Farmer Beejmi agrees reluctantly.

Farmer Beejmi states that since they are on his land, he goes first. Farmer Jeff stands with legs apart and hands on hips while farmer Beejmi takes an almighty swing with his foot and sends farmer Jeff into the air.

After ten minutes writhing on the ground farmer Jeff eventually gets to his feet and prepares to take his turn.

Farmer Beejmi turns and walks away saying " O.K. I give in! You keep the duck!"

I've told that joke a million times.  You probably stole it from the same place I did.

http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=s3VPeM4v5dU&feature=related

About 5:24 in

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 Posted: Wed Jan 23rd, 2008 02:29 pm
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beejmi
The Big Kahuna


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Little Lobo is out playing with his dog Spot in the field and Farmer Matt (get it -- Matt Farmer?) comes out and says "Go away little boy".

This goes on a few more times and Farmer Matt comes out with a shotgun and shoots Spot right in the asshole.

Little Lobo goes back home and says "Mommy mommy, Farmer Matt shot Spot right in the asshole".

"Rectum Lobo, rectum" (says Mom)

"Rectum? Fucking killed him!"

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 Posted: Fri Jan 25th, 2008 02:34 pm
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CanadianHorseman



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Three men go golfing with their wives.
 
The Swede's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear.

'Good God, woman!
Why aren't you wearing any skivees?', Ole demanded.

'Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any.'

The Swede immediately reaches into his pocket and says, 'For the sake of decency, here's a 50.  Go and buy yourself some underwear.'

Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee.
Her skirt also blows up to show that she, too, is wearing no undies.

'Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You've no knickers. Why not?'

She replies, 'I can't afford any on the money you give me.'

Patrick reaches into his pocket and says, 'For the sake of decency, here's a 20.
Go and buy yourself some underwear!'

Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over.
The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it.

'Sweet mudder of Jaysus, Aggie! Where the frig are yer drawers?'

She too explains, 'You dinna give me enough money ta be able ta affarrd any.'

The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says, 'Well, Kathy fer the love 'o decency, here's a comb.....Tidy yerself up a bit.'
 



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 Posted: Fri Jan 25th, 2008 02:48 pm
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bpickering
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The elderly Italian man went to his parish priest, and asked if the priest would hear his confession.

"Of course, my son", said the priest.

"Well, Father, at the beginning of World War Two, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans. I hid her in my attic, and they never found her."

"That's a wonderful thing, my son, and nothing that you need to confess", said the priest.

"It's worse, Father. I was weak, and told her that she had to pay for rent of the attic with her sexual favors", continued the old man.

"Well, it was a very difficult time, and you took a large risk you would have suffered terribly at their hands if the Germans had found you hiding her. I know that God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil, and judge you kindly," said the priest.

"Thanks, Father", said the old man. "That's a load off of my mind. Can I ask another question?"

"Of course, my son", said the priest.

The old man asked "Do I need to tell her that the war is over?"



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"22 years of my fucking life just got fucking ruined!!!!"---Fan outside Wrestlemania XXX

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 Posted: Sun Jan 27th, 2008 03:57 pm
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beejmi
The Big Kahuna


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Tony, having his second son christened, was much
concerned about getting the correct name on the
birth certificate.

"Will you please name the baby just as I give it to you?"

"Certainly," answered the minister, "why shouldn't I?"

"Well you see, it's like this," replied Tony. "When I told
you I wanted to name my first boy Tom, you wrote on
his birth certificate 'Thomas.'

This boy I want to name Jack."

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 Posted: Mon Jan 28th, 2008 08:32 am
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bpickering
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This woman was having an affair during the day while her husband was at work. One day she was in bed with her boyfriend, she heard her husband's car pull in the driveway. She yelled at the boyfriend, "Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My husband is home early!"

The boyfriend looked out the window and said, "I can't jump out the window! It's raining like hell out there!" She said, "If my husband catches us in here, he will kill both of us!" So the boyfriend grabs his clothes and jumps out the window!

When he landed outside he was in the middle of a "running Marathon" so he started running along beside the others only he was still in the nude, carrying his clothes on his arm.

One of the runners asked him, "Do you always run in the nude?" He answered, while gasping for air, "Oh yes, It feels so free having the air blow over your skin while you are running."

The other runner then asked the nude man, "Do you always run carrying your clothes on your arm?" The nude man answered breathlessly, "Oh yes, that way I can get dressed at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!"

The runner then asked, "Do you always wear a condom when you run?"

The guy answered, "Only if it's raining."



____________________
"22 years of my fucking life just got fucking ruined!!!!"---Fan outside Wrestlemania XXX

PRO WRESTLING HALL OF FAME: http://www.angelfire.com/pa5/old (updated Msy 22 2017)

RIP UNITED STATES OF AMERICA 1776-2016
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 Posted: Thu Jan 31st, 2008 01:42 pm
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lobo316



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Little old lady in an old folks home, wearing only a
housecoat, walks down the hall & lifts the housecoat
to an elderly gent & yells:"SUPER SEX". He ignores
her so she continues on & meets another geezer.
Again she lifts up the housecoat & yells:"SUPER SEX".
He too ignores her & walks on by.
Finally, she sees a guy in a wheel chair & lifts up her
housecoat & yells "SUPER SEX".
He replied:"I'll have the soup".

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 Posted: Fri Feb 1st, 2008 01:18 pm
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bpickering
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Imagine, if you will, a Scandinavian accent...

Sven, having been out of work for many months, found an incredible career opportunity at . . . a pickle factory. His wife, Greta, was overjoyed, and wished him well on his first day of work. That first evening, when Sven came home, Greta hounded him with questions.

"Well, Greta, I really like my job, but today I sorta got this *urge*," replied Sven.

"Urge? What kind or *urge*?"

"Well, I sorta had this *urge* to put my *unit* in the pickle slicer."

"Oh, no! Sven! Please do not put your unit in the pickle slicer!"

The next day...

"And how was your job today, Sven?"

"Well, you know that *urge* I was having yesterday?"

"Oh, no, Sven!"

"Ja, that *urge* to put my unit in the pickle slicer?"

"Sven, do *not* put your unit in the pickle slicer!"

"I know, Greta, I know. I'll try."

Well, the next day, Sven went to his job, but came home two hours early.

Greta: "Sven, why are you home so early from your job?"

"Well, I had that *urge* again, you know, that *urge* to put my unit in the pickle slicer?"

"Oh, no, Sven!"

"Well, I could not resist . . . so I put my unit in the pickle slicer!"

"Sven! No! What happened?"

"Well, they . . . fired me."

"Oh, no, Sven!"

"And the pickle slicer . . . they fired her, too."


 



____________________
"22 years of my fucking life just got fucking ruined!!!!"---Fan outside Wrestlemania XXX

PRO WRESTLING HALL OF FAME: http://www.angelfire.com/pa5/old (updated Msy 22 2017)

RIP UNITED STATES OF AMERICA 1776-2016
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 Posted: Tue Feb 5th, 2008 01:05 pm
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bpickering
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It was George the Mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.

When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who roundly and soundly congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope.

At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars.

The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the arm and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced. When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice.

When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?"

"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you. He said, "Fuck him. Give him a dollar." The breakfast was my idea.



____________________
"22 years of my fucking life just got fucking ruined!!!!"---Fan outside Wrestlemania XXX

PRO WRESTLING HALL OF FAME: http://www.angelfire.com/pa5/old (updated Msy 22 2017)

RIP UNITED STATES OF AMERICA 1776-2016
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 Posted: Tue Feb 5th, 2008 06:49 pm
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beejmi
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Okay that last one was pretty good. Don't let it happen again.

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 Posted: Wed Feb 6th, 2008 06:18 pm
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lobo316



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A young Chinese couple gets married. She's a virgin. Truth be told, he is a virgin too, but she doesn't know that.

On their wedding night, she lies naked under the sheets as her husband undresses in the darkness.

He climbs into bed next to her and tries to be reassuring.
'My darring,' he whispers, 'I know dis you firss time and you berry frighten. I pomise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting - juss anyting you want. You juss ask.'

'Whatchu want?' he says, trying to sound experienced and worldly, which he hopes will impress her.

A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her request. She eventually shyly whispers back, 'I want to try something I have heard about from other girls... Numbaa 69.'

More thoughtful silence, this time from him. Eventually, in a puzzled tone he asks her...

'You want... Garlic Chicken with corrifrowa ?'

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