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Bad Jokes  Rating:  Rating
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 Posted: Wed Feb 27th, 2008 01:24 pm
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bpickering
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One day,this guy, who has been stranded on a desert island all alone for ten years, sees an unusual speck on the horizon.

"It's certainly not a ship," he thinks to himself.

And as the speck gets closer and closer, he begins to rule out the possibility of a boat, then even a raft.

Suddenly, emerging from the surf comes this drop-dead gorgeous blonde woman wearing a wet suit and scuba gear.

She approaches the stunned guy and ask, "How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"

"Ten years!" he says.

She reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes. He takes one, light it, takes along drag, and says,"Man, oh man!" "Is that ever good!"

She then asks him, "How long has it been since you've had a sip of bourbon?"

Trembling, he replies, "Ten years!"

She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on her right sleeve, pulls out a flask, and gives it to him.

He opens the flask, takes a long swig, and says, "Wow, that's absolutely fantastic!"

Then she starts slowly unzipping the long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit, looks at him seductively, and asks, "And how long has it been since you've played around?"

The guy, with tears in his eyes, replies, "Oh my God! Don't tell Me you've got golf clubs in there!"



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"22 years of my fucking life just got fucking ruined!!!!"---Fan outside Wrestlemania XXX

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 Posted: Wed Feb 27th, 2008 05:07 pm
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lobo316



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A Marine Corps Gunnery Sergeant walks into a whore house, approaches the madam and says, "Ma'am, my name is Gunnery Sergeant Dick and I'm here for a woman!"

The madam immediately escorts the Sergeant upstairs and selects the best call girl they have for him.

Gunnery Dick immediately disrobes and is standing with his hands on his hips while he looks at the prostitute awaiting him on the bed. He then says," My name is Gunnery Sergeant Dick, been in the God-lovin' Corps for thirty years, and I'm a master of my mind and body. DICK, ATTEN-SHUN!" Immediately, his penis becomes fully erect. The prostitute is in awe and asks him how he can do that.

Gunnery Dick replies, "Like I said, I've been in the United States Marine Corps thirty years, and I'm a master of my mind and body. DICK, AT EASE!" His penis immediately becomes flaccid. The prostitute still can't get over the control he has, and asks him for another demonstration.

Gunnery Dick says, "DICK, ATTEN-SHUN!" He sports a raging hard-on once again, and then follows this display of prowess with the command of "DICK, AT EASE." His penis goes limp once more. The prostitute still can't believe her eyes and asks for the demonstration yet again.

Gunnery Dick shouts, "DICK, ATTEN-SHUN!" His penis becomes immediately erect on command again. And then gives the following standard command, "DICK, AT EASE."

Gunnery Dick looks down, and to his amazement, his penis is still hard. He then says, "Apparently you didn't hear me, soldier! DICK, AT EASE!" Still, his penis is still fully erect. The Gunnery is now fuming and says, "I'm going to tell you one more time, Mister! DICK, AT EASE!" Nonetheless, his penis is still rock hard.

Gunnery yells, "Shit!", moves to the side of the bed and starts to masturbate vigorously. The prostitute, puzzled, asks "What the hell is going on?"

Gunnery Dick replies, "This soldier disobeyed a direct order and I'm giving him a dishonorable discharge!!!"

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 Posted: Thu Feb 28th, 2008 12:09 pm
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bpickering
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In a busy city at a crowded bus stop, a beautiful young woman was waiting for the bus. She was decked out in a tight leather mini-skirt with matching tight leather boots and jacket. As the bus rolled up and it was her turn to get on the bus, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the buses first step.

So, slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.

Again she tried to make the step onto the bus, only to discover she still could not make the step. A little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little more. And for a second time she attempted the step and once again,much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg because of the tight skirt.

With a coy little smile to the driver, she again unzipped the offending skirt to give a little more slack and again was unable to make the step.

About this time the big Texan who was behind her in the line picked her up easily from the waist and placed her lightly on the step of the bus.

Well, she went ballistic and turned on the would-be hero,screeching at him, "How dare you touch my body!! I don't even know who you are!!"

At this the Texan drawled, " Well ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we was friends."



____________________
"22 years of my fucking life just got fucking ruined!!!!"---Fan outside Wrestlemania XXX

PRO WRESTLING HALL OF FAME: http://www.angelfire.com/pa5/old (updated December 10 2017)

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 Posted: Thu Feb 28th, 2008 01:55 pm
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lobo316



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A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

The ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in evident agony.

The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me," she told him earnestly.

"Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be alright. I'll be fine in a few minutes," he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch.

But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants, and she put her hands inside. She began to massage him. She then asked him "How does that feel?"

He replied "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell."

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 Posted: Sat Mar 1st, 2008 11:25 am
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bpickering
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A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.

However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!

One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you."

"My darling," he replied, "I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.



____________________
"22 years of my fucking life just got fucking ruined!!!!"---Fan outside Wrestlemania XXX

PRO WRESTLING HALL OF FAME: http://www.angelfire.com/pa5/old (updated December 10 2017)

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 Posted: Sat Mar 1st, 2008 07:14 pm
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lobo316



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What's wrong with me, doc?" asks the patient. "My balls have turned blue!"
The doctor examines him and says his testicles have to be removed, or else he'll die.
"I can't let you do that!" the patient cries.
"Do you want to die?" the doctor asks. So the patient glumly consents to have his balls removed.
Two weeks later the patient returns. "Doc, now my penis has turned blue!"
The doctor examines him and reaches the same conclusion: his penis must go.
The man begins to cry. "How will I pee?"
"Simple. We'll install a plastic pipe and that will do the trick," says the doctor. "You don't want to die, do you?"
Again, the man sadly consents to the procedure.
Two weeks later, the man returns again. "Doc! The pipe turned blue! What the hell is happening to me?"
"Well, I'm not really sure," admits the doctor. "Wait... do you wear jeans?"

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 Posted: Sat Mar 1st, 2008 10:09 pm
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srossi

 

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[size=The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson, died and went to heaven.]
[size= ]
[size=At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur. "Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want to in heaven."]
[size= ]
[size=Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to hang out with God."]
[size= ]
[size=St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God.]
[size= ]
[size=God recognized Arthur and commented, "Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley-Davidson motorcycle?"]
[size= ]
[size=Arthur said, "Yeah, that's me...."]
[size= ]
[size=God commented: "Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, it makes noise and pollution and can't run without a road?"]
[size= ]
[size=Arthur was apparently embarrassed, but finally spoke, "Excuse me, but aren't you the inventor of woman?"]
[size= ]
[size=God said, "Ah, yes."]
[size= ]
[size="Well," said Arthur, "professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention:"]
[size= ]
[size= ]
  1. [size=There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion]
[size= ]
[size=2. It chatters constantly at high speeds]
[size= ]
[size=3. Most rear ends are too soft and wobble too much]
[size= ]
[size=4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust]
[size= ]
[size=5. The maintenance costs are outrageous!!!!]
[size= ]
[size= ]
[size="Hmmmmm, you may have some good points there," replied God, "hold on."]
[size= ]
[size=God went to his Celestial supercomputer, typed in a few words and waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.]
[size= ]
[size="Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God said to Arthur, "but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours."]



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 Posted: Mon Mar 3rd, 2008 11:23 am
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bpickering
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A man walks into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally the doctor ask him what happened.

"Well, it was like this," said the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows. We went to look for it and while I was rooting around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail and sure enough, there was my wife's golf ball -- stuck right in the middle of the cow's ass. That's when I made my mistake."

"What did you do?" ask the doctor.

"Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to the missus, "This one here looks like yours!"



____________________
"22 years of my fucking life just got fucking ruined!!!!"---Fan outside Wrestlemania XXX

PRO WRESTLING HALL OF FAME: http://www.angelfire.com/pa5/old (updated December 10 2017)

RIP UNITED STATES OF AMERICA 1776-2016
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 Posted: Mon Mar 3rd, 2008 05:13 pm
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lobo316



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A guy walks into a restaurant and notices a miniature man playing a miniature piano. Fascinated, he asks the restaurant's manager, "How did you find this tiny guy to play the piano?"
The manager replies, "I found a lamp with a genie in it, and he granted me one wish."
"And so you wished for a 10-inch pianist?" the guy asks.
"Well, not exactly."

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 Posted: Mon Mar 3rd, 2008 05:22 pm
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BigJ



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lobo316 wrote: One day a twelve-year-old walks into a house of ill repute dragging a dead frog on a string behind him. He slaps a hundred dollar bill on the counter and says, "I want one of your women." The madam looks at him and says "Don't you think you're a bit young for that?" He slaps another hundred on the counter and says "I want one of your women."

The madam says "Okay, have a seat, she'll be down in about thirty minutes." He slaps another hundred on the counter and says "She has to have active herpes." The madam starts to sputter and ask why, but he slaps another hundred on the counter and says "active herpes." She responds, "Okay, have a seat - it'll be about five minutes."

Two minutes later, a woman comes out, they go upstairs (dragging this dead frog) and do their deal...

As he's leaving, the madam asks him "Okay, why did you want someone with active herpes?" The twelve year old replies..."When I get home, I'm going to sleep with the baby-sitter, and when mom and dad get home, dad will take the baby-sitter to her home and sleep with her on the way. Then, when he gets back, he and mom are going to go upstairs and do it. And tomorrow morning, after dad goes to work, the milkman will come in and mom will sleep with him, and he's the bastard that ran over my frog."

LMFAO

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 Posted: Wed Mar 5th, 2008 09:47 am
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bpickering
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A guy stops by to visit his friend who is paralyzed from the waist down. They talk for a while and then the friend asks, "My feet are cold. Would you be so kind as to go get me my sneakers please?"

The guest obliges and goes upstairs. There he sees his friend's daughters, both very good looking. Being the adventurous and quick thinking kind, he says: "Hi, ladies! Your daddy sent me here to have sex with you!"

They stare at him and say, "That can't be!"

He replies, "OK, let's check!"

He shouts at his friend down the stairs, "Both of them?"

"Yes, both of them!"



____________________
"22 years of my fucking life just got fucking ruined!!!!"---Fan outside Wrestlemania XXX

PRO WRESTLING HALL OF FAME: http://www.angelfire.com/pa5/old (updated December 10 2017)

RIP UNITED STATES OF AMERICA 1776-2016
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 Posted: Thu Mar 6th, 2008 09:53 am
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lobo316



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Three dogs were in a cage at the city pound: A Pit Bull, a German Shepherd and a Great Dane. The Pit Bull told the others "I was eating my dinner and my owner's two-year-old niece tried to grab my food, so I ripped out her throat. Now they are going to put me to sleep."

The German Shepherd said, "I chewed up my master's shoes yesterday, and now they are going to put me to sleep."

The Great Dane said "My master is a beautiful twenty-two-year-old woman. The other day she came out of the shower and bent over in front of me, so I mounted her and did my thing."

"So are you in here to be put to sleep too?" asked the others. "No, I'm here to have my nails clipped!"

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 Posted: Tue Mar 11th, 2008 09:54 am
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bpickering
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A young couple, just married were in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night.

As they were undressing for bed, the husband who was a big burly man tossed his pants to his bride and said, "Here, put these on."

She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body. "I can't wear your pants," she said.

"That's right," said the husband,and don't you ever forget it. I'm the man who wears the pants in this family."

With that she flipped him her panties and said "Try these on."

He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps.

"Hell, " he said. "I can't get into your panties!"

She replied, "That's right, and that's the way it's going to be until your fucking attitude changes!"



____________________
"22 years of my fucking life just got fucking ruined!!!!"---Fan outside Wrestlemania XXX

PRO WRESTLING HALL OF FAME: http://www.angelfire.com/pa5/old (updated December 10 2017)

RIP UNITED STATES OF AMERICA 1776-2016
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 Posted: Wed Mar 12th, 2008 03:02 pm
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lobo316



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One morning a woman was walking out of her front door, when she notices a strange little man at the bottom of her garden.

"You're a goblin," she says, "I caught you and you owe me three wishes!". So the goblin replies "OK, you caught me fair and square, what's your first wish?". The woman stops and thinks for a second, "I want a huge mansion to live in.", goblins replies "OK, you've got it.". Woman again thinks it over, "My second wish is a Mercedes." "OK, you've got that too." "My last wish is a million dollars!". The goblin then says "OK, you've got it. But to make your wishes come true you have to have sex all night with me." "OK then, if that's what it takes..."

Next morning the little man wakes the woman up.

"Tell me," says the man, "how old are you?" "I'm 27", she replies

"Fuck me", says the man, "27 and you still believe in goblins"

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 Posted: Sat Mar 15th, 2008 10:54 am
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bpickering
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A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughter’s bedroom. When she opened the door she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator. "What are you doing?!!!" she exclaimed.

The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."

Later that week the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement. When he went downstairs, he found his daughter naked on the sofa with her vibrator. "What are you doing?!!!" he exclaimed.

The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."

A couple of days later the mother heard the humming sound again, this time in the living room. Upon entering the room, she found her husband watching television with the vibrator buzzing away beside him. "What are you doing?" she asked.

He replied, "Watching the game with my son-in-law."



____________________
"22 years of my fucking life just got fucking ruined!!!!"---Fan outside Wrestlemania XXX

PRO WRESTLING HALL OF FAME: http://www.angelfire.com/pa5/old (updated December 10 2017)

RIP UNITED STATES OF AMERICA 1776-2016
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