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Bad Jokes  Rating:  Rating
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 Posted: Wed Apr 2nd, 2008 11:56 am
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lobo316



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My First Time
The sky was dark
The moon was high
All alone, just her and I
Her hair so soft
Her eyes so blue
I knew just what she wanted to do.

Her skin so soft
Her legs so fine
I ran my fingers down her spine.
I didn't know how
But I tried my best
I started by placing
My hands on her breast.

I remember my fear
My fast beating heart,
But slowly she spread
Her legs apart.

And when I did it
I felt no shame
All at once
The white stuff came.

At last it's finished
It's all over now.
My first time ever
At milking a cow.

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 Posted: Wed Apr 9th, 2008 12:45 pm
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bpickering
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Joan, who was rather well-proportioned, spent almost all of her vacation sunbathing on the roof of her hotel.

She wore a bathing suit the first day, but on the second, she decided that no one could see her way up there, and she slipped out of it for an overall tan.

She'd hardly begun when she heard someone running up the stairs. She was lying on her stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear.

"Excuse me, miss," said the flustered assistant manager of the hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs. "The Hilton doesn't mind your sunbathing on the roof, but we would very much appreciate your wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday."

"What difference does it make?" Joan asked rather calmly. "No one can see me up here, and besides, I'm covered with a towel."

"Not exactly," said the embarrassed man. "You're lying on the dining room skylight."



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"22 years of my fucking life just got fucking ruined!!!!"---Fan outside Wrestlemania XXX

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 Posted: Wed Apr 9th, 2008 01:49 pm
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Kid_Naitch



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Dog walks into a bar, sits on a stool and orders a drink. A patron says "we don't like dogs in our bar," pulls out a gun and shoots the dog in the leg.

The next day, the dog walks into the bar, with a cast on his leg and pistol in his belt. The dog looks at the bartender and says "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."



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 Posted: Wed Apr 9th, 2008 01:59 pm
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beejmi
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bpickering wrote: A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the crotch. Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. He finally gets himself to the doctor. He says, "How bad is it doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my fiance is still a virgin in every way."

The doc said , "I'll have to put your penis in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week." So he took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4-sided bandage and wired it all together.

It was an impressive work of art.

The guy mentions none of this to his girlfriend. They marry and on their honeymoon night in the motel room, she rips open her blouse to reveal gorgeous set of breasts. This was the first time he ever saw them.

She says, "You are the first, no one has ever touched these breasts."

He pulls down his pants, whips it out and says, "And look at this, it's still in the CRATE !"
I don't read this thread as much as I should, but I like this one.

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 Posted: Wed Apr 9th, 2008 06:06 pm
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lobo316



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An old guy is naked at the clothing optional beach.
A little girl passing by stops, points at his penis & asks him
"what is that ? "
"Well",  says the guy, "this is a bird, the 2 round things are its eggs, &
the stuff  all around it is its nest."
With that, he lays  down for a nap.
Later, the paramedics are attending to him.  They ask the crowd if anyone knows what happened to him. The little girl steps forward & says:
"I tried to make the bird fly away, so I pulled & pulled but it got bigger & spit
on me. So, I smashed the eggs & burnt the nest" 

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 Posted: Thu Apr 10th, 2008 10:11 am
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bpickering
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A doctor was having an affair with his nurse. Shortly afterward, she told him she was pregnant. Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there.

"But how will I let you know the baby is born?" she asked.

He replied, "Just send me a postcard and write "spaghetti" on the back. I'll take care of expenses."

Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to Italy. Six months went by and then one day the doctor's wife called him at the office and said "Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today from Europe, and I don't understand what it means."

The doctor said "Just wait until I get home and I will explain it to you".

Later that evening the doctor came home, read the postcard, fell to the floor with a heart attack. Paramedics rushed him to the ER. The lead medic stayed back to comfort the wife. He asked what trauma had precipitated the cardiac arrest.

So the wife picked up the card and read "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two with sausage and meatballs, two without."



____________________
"22 years of my fucking life just got fucking ruined!!!!"---Fan outside Wrestlemania XXX

PRO WRESTLING HALL OF FAME: http://www.angelfire.com/pa5/old (updated Msy 22 2017)

RIP UNITED STATES OF AMERICA 1776-2016
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 Posted: Sat Apr 12th, 2008 04:00 pm
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lobo316



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Rossi enters a restaurant and while sitting at his table, notices a gorgeous woman sitting at another table alone. He calls the waiter over and asks for the most expensive bottle of champagne to be sent over to her - knowing that if she accepts it, she will be his. The waiter gets the bottle and quickly sends it over to the girl, saying this is from the gentleman. She looks at the champagne and decides to send a note to the man. The note reads: "For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million in the bank, and 8 inches in your trousers".
Well, Rossi, after reading this note, sends one of his own back to her. It reads" "Just so you know - I have a Mercedes AND a BMW and over TEN million in the bank. But not even for YOU, sweetheart, would I cut 2 inches off my dick. So send back the bottle. Yours truly, Steven Rossi."

Last edited on Sun Oct 31st, 2010 11:10 am by lobo316

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 Posted: Sun Apr 13th, 2008 08:47 am
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bpickering
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The Top 10 Reasons Why It Sucks To Be A Dick

10. You've got a hole in your head.

9. Your master strangles you all the time.

8. Your head is disproportionate to the rest of your body.

7. You shrink in cold water.

6. You never get a haircut.

5. You always hang around with 2 nuts.

4. Your closest neighbor is an asshole.

3. Your best friend is a pussy.

2. Your scalp gets cut off if you're Jewish.

And the number one reason why it sucks to be a Dick:

1. Every time you get excited, you throw up.



____________________
"22 years of my fucking life just got fucking ruined!!!!"---Fan outside Wrestlemania XXX

PRO WRESTLING HALL OF FAME: http://www.angelfire.com/pa5/old (updated Msy 22 2017)

RIP UNITED STATES OF AMERICA 1776-2016
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 Posted: Wed Apr 16th, 2008 09:34 am
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lobo316



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Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop. Right away they go over to the bird section. Gerry says to Paddy, "Dat's dem". The clerk comes over and asks if he can help them. "Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere birds in dat cage op dere," says Gerry, "Put dem in a peeper  bag." The clerk does and the two guys pay for the birds and leave the shop. They get into Gerry's van and drive until they are high up in the hills and stop at the top of a cliff with a 500-foot drop. "Dis looks loike a grand place, eh?" says Gerry. "Oh, yeh, dis looks good," replies Paddy. They flip a coin and Gerry wins the toss. "I guess I git to go first eh Paddy?" says Gerry. He then takes two birds out of the bag, places them onhis shoulders and jumps off the cliff. Paddy watches as his mate drops off the edge and goes straight down for a few seconds followed by a 'SPLAT'. As Paddy looks over the edge of the cliff he shakes his head and says:
"Fock dat, dis budgie jumpin' is too fockin' dangerous for me." 

 

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 Posted: Wed Apr 16th, 2008 02:30 pm
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CanadianHorseman



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Heard this one today:

A man is lying in bed with his new Thai wife. After a great night of sex she spends the next hour lovingly stroking his penis. The husband looks at her and says " Why do you love doing that so much ?? "  She sighs and says " Because I really miss mine so very much " .



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 Posted: Thu Apr 17th, 2008 12:38 pm
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bpickering
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Two nude statues (one male & one female) had been standing in the middle of a beautiful park for 99 years.

On their 100th anniversary in the park an angel came down from heaven to talk to the statues.

He said to them, "God has been watching you for the past 100 years and has been very pleased with the two of you.

So pleased in fact that he has decided to grant you a wish of becoming human for a short time."

The angel then went on to say that they would be human for fifteen minutes and will finally be able to pleasure themselves in a manner in which they have only fantasized about for the last 100 years.

The statues were so excited they could hardly believe it. The second they became human they ran off together behind the bushes.

The angel heard the rustling of the bushes and shouts of joy and laughter.

After 10 minutes the statues returned from behind the bushes sweating and laughing.

The angel told the statues that they still had 5 more minutes.

The male statue quickly turned to the female statue and said:

"Okay, it's my turn, you hold down the pigeon and I'll shit on his head!"



____________________
"22 years of my fucking life just got fucking ruined!!!!"---Fan outside Wrestlemania XXX

PRO WRESTLING HALL OF FAME: http://www.angelfire.com/pa5/old (updated Msy 22 2017)

RIP UNITED STATES OF AMERICA 1776-2016
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 Posted: Fri Apr 18th, 2008 10:26 am
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lobo316



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One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently taps his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm. The wife turns over and says: "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynaecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh." The husband, rejected, turns over and tries to sleep. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. This time he whispers in her ear: "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"

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 Posted: Wed May 14th, 2008 10:02 pm
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beejmi
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The Italian says, "When I've a finished a makina da love withah my wife, I go down and gently tickle the back of her knees, she floats 6 inches above a da bed in ecstacy."

The Frenchman replies, "zat is noting, when Ah've finished making ze love with ze wife, Ah kiss all ze way down her body, and zen Ah lick za soles of her feet wiz mah tongue, and she floats 12 inches above ze bed in pure ecstasy."

The redneck says, "That aint nothing. When I've finished porkin the ole lady, I git out of bed, walk over to the winder and wipe my weener on the curtains. She hits the freakin' ceiling."

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 Posted: Thu May 15th, 2008 04:05 pm
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lobo316



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Michael Jackson and his wife are in the recovery room with their new baby son. The doctor walks in and Michael asks: "Doctor, how long before we can have sex?" The doctor replies, "I'd wait until he's at least 14."

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 Posted: Thu May 15th, 2008 04:44 pm
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beejmi
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Michael Jackson jokes rule.

Did I tell you that over the weekend I saw Michael Jackson at Walmart? He had heard that little boys pants were half off.

 

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