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Bad Jokes  Rating:  Rating
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 Posted: Sun Jun 21st, 2015 12:15 pm
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976th Post
lobo316



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There was a Latino man looking for job. The boss asked, Do you speak English?

Yes, Senor, he replied.

The boss continued,I will test your comprehension, make a sentence with these three words: Green, pink and yellow.

The Latino man laughed,That easy, Senor. Here it is::

The phone GREENS, I PINK it up and say YELLOW

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 Posted: Sun Jun 28th, 2015 11:34 am
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977th Post
lobo316



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A woman goes to see her Doctor to complain about her husband. "Doctor, my husband and I have been married for nearly 20 years now, and he has stopped making love to me."

The Doctor replied: "Here, take this potion and give your husband three drops of it in his tea just before you go to bed. That should do the trick."

The next day the women returns, "Oh Doctor, what a fantastic potion you gave me. My husband and I made love all night and we even tried out some of that kinky stuff he was always dreaming of. Do you think I should give him twenty drops tonight?"

To her the Doctor replied: "I would be a bit concerned about that much. Nobody has ever taken so much in one go, so I will leave the decision up to you. But be careful!"

On the following day, the woman returns yet again, glowing with happiness, but obviously walking in some pain. "Oh Doctor, you won't believe how fantastic my night was. I didn't sleep at all last night. My husband and I were at it for 10 hours non-stop, made love in 15 different positions, and I just can't wait till he gets home tonight. I think I will give him the whole bottle this time!"

The doctor replied: "I am not so sure if this is a good idea. This was definitely never tried before, but make sure you let me know tomorrow what happened."

On the following morning, a little boy comes into the Doctor's practice. "Are you the jerk that gave my mother that potion?"

The Doctor answered: "Yes, Why? What happened? Where is your mother?"

"My mother is dead, my sister is pregnant, I can hardly walk and my Dad's running around the house calling 'Here kitty, kitty.......'".

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 Posted: Sun Jul 5th, 2015 12:08 pm
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lobo316



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A man is doing yard work and his wife is about to take a shower. The man realises that he can't find the rake. He yells up to his wife, "Where is the rake?"

She can't hear him and shouts back, "What?"

The man first points to his eye, then points to his knee and finally makes a raking motion.

The wife not sure and says, "What?" The man repeats his gestures.

The wife replies that she understands and signals back. She first points to her eye, next she points to her left breast, then she points to her butt, and finally to her crotch.

Well there is no way in hell the man can even come close on that one. Exasperated, he goes upstairs and asks her, "What in the friggin hell was that?"

She replies, "EYE--LEFT TIT -- BEHIND -- THE BUSH!"

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 Posted: Sun Jul 12th, 2015 12:28 pm
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lobo316



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A native American walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand and is pulling a male buffalo with the other hand and says to the waiter, "Want coffee."


The waiter says, "Sure chief, coming right up." He gets the native American a tall mug of coffee. After drinking the coffee down in one gulp, the native American turns and shoots the buffalo with the shotgun, then just walks out.


The next morning the native American returns. He has his shotgun in one hand and is pulling another male buffalo with the other hand. He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter, "Want coffee."


The waiter says, "Whoa, Tonto! We're still cleaning up your mess from yesterday. What the heck was all that about, anyway?"


The native American smiles and proudly says, "Training for upper management position. Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull, leave mess for others to clean up, disappear for rest of day."

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 Posted: Thu Jul 16th, 2015 02:51 pm
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beejmi
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Congrats!

Attachment: 11742801_960663130658749_4718773260384426393_n.jpg (Downloaded 64 times)

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 Posted: Thu Jul 16th, 2015 02:56 pm
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beejmi
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 Posted: Sun Jul 19th, 2015 11:24 am
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lobo316



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The friars were behind in their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good town fathers to close the friars down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to persuade them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

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 Posted: Sun Jul 19th, 2015 11:54 am
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CanadianHorseman



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lobo316 wrote: Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.
That pun is so bad that it made Smokey cry:






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 Posted: Sun Jul 26th, 2015 12:46 pm
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984th Post
lobo316



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Veteran Pillsbury spokesmodel Pop-N-Fresh died yesterday of a severe yeast infection. He was 71.

Fresh was buried in one of the largest ceremonies in recent years. Dozens of celebrities turned out, including Mrs. Butterworth, The California Raisins, Hungry Jack, and Betty Crocker. The gravesite was piled high with flours as longtime friend Aunt Jemima gave the eulogy, describing Fresh as a man who "never knew how much he was kneaded." Fresh rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with many turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much time on half-baked schemes. Still, even as a crusty old man, he was a roll model for millions. Fresh is survived by his second wife. They have two children and one in the oven. The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.

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 Posted: Sun Aug 2nd, 2015 01:35 pm
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lobo316



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A guy in a supermarket goes up to the cashier and places two cans of dog food on the counter. The cashier asks, "Do you have a dog sir?" "Yes, it's at home," replies the man. "To be able to sell you the dog food sir, I must see the dog. That is store policy," says the cashier. Next day the man goes places two cans of cat food on the counter. "Do you own a cat sir?" asks the cashier. "Yes I do, it's at home," says the man. "Well I am sorry sir. Store policy. I must see the cat before I can sell you cat food," says the cashier. The next day the man returns to the store and walks directly to the same cashier. He has a brown paper bag in his hand. "Here," he says to the cashier, "put your hand in here." The cashier puts her hand in the brown paper bag. "It is all soft and warm," she says. "Yes, that's right," says the man, "I need to buy two rolls of toilet paper."

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 Posted: Mon Aug 3rd, 2015 09:34 am
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CanadianHorseman



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This one's for beejmi.


A Philadelphia Eagles fan dies and goes to heaven wearing his Eagles jersey. He knocks on the old pearly gates and out walks St. Peter. "Hello there" says St. Peter, "I'm sorry, no Eagles fans in heaven." "What?" exclaims the man, astonished. "You heard me, no Eagles fans." "But, but, but, I've been a good man", replies the lifelong Eagles supporter. "Oh really", says St. Peter. "What have you done, then?" "Well" said the fan, "Three weeks before I died, I gave 100 dollars to the starving children in Africa". "Oh" says St.Peter. "anything else?" "Well, 2 weeks before I died I also gave 100 dollars to a homeless shelter." "Hmmm. Anything else?" "Yeah. A week before I died I gave 100 dollars to a local orphanage." "Okay", said St. Peter, "You wait here a minute while I go and have a word with God." Ten minutes pass before St. Peter returns. He looks the Eagles fan in the eye and says, "I've had a word with God and he agrees with me. Here's your $300 dollars back, now fuck off". 



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 Posted: Sun Aug 9th, 2015 11:47 am
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lobo316



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The owner of a drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall. The owner asks the clerk, "What's with that guy over there by the wall?" The clerk says, "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative." The owner says, "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with laxatives!" The clerk says, "Oh yeah? Look at him, he's afraid to cough!"

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 Posted: Sun Aug 16th, 2015 11:51 am
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lobo316



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A woman gives birth, and a nurse takes the baby into an adjacent room to clean it up. She re-enters and approaches the mother, the babe wrapped up in a towel in her arms.

"Congratulations," she says. "It's a healthy baby girl." As she says this, she accidentally drops the baby, which promptly lands right on its squishy noggin.

"My baby!" screams the mother.

"Don't worry, I'll get it!" smiles the nurse.

However, she unfortunately stumbles and places her foot right on the baby's face, before accidentally kicking it across the room. It hits the wall with a sickening crack before the nurse runs over to it, peels it off the floor and throws it out of the window.

"What are you doing?!" yells the mother.

"April Fools!" replies the nurse. "It was already dead!"

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 Posted: Tue Aug 18th, 2015 07:35 pm
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989th Post
lobo316



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inspired by the KFC thread


Whats the differnce between Hillary
Clinton and Kentucky Fried Chicken?

Bill Clinton has never eaten Hillary
Clinton!

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 Posted: Sun Aug 23rd, 2015 11:52 am
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lobo316



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Two missionaries in Africa were apprehended by a tribe of very hostile cannibals who put them in a large pot of water, built a huge fire under it, and left them there. A few minutes later, one of the missionaries started to laugh uncontrollably. The other missionary couldn't believe it! He said, "What's wrong with you? We're being boiled alive! They're gonna eat us! What could possibly be funny at a time like this?" The other missionary replied, "I just peed in the soup!"

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