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Bad Jokes  Rating:  Rating
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 Posted: Sun Aug 30th, 2015 10:54 am
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991st Post
lobo316



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A truck driver would amuse himself by running over lawyers. Whenever he saw a lawyer walking down the side of the road he would swerve to hit him, enjoy the load, satisfying "THUMP", and then swerve back onto the road.

(at this point some of you are probably wondering how the trucker could distinguish the lawyers from the humans. Obviously he saw the trail of slime they left!)

One day, as the truck driver was driving along he saw a priest hitchhiking. He thought he would do a good turn and pulled the truck over.

He asked the priest, "Where are you going, Father?"

"I'm going to the church 5 miles down the road," replied the priest.

"No problem, Father! I'll give you a lift. Climb in the truck." The happy priest climbed into the passenger seat and the truck driver continued down the road.

Suddenly the truck driver saw a lawyer walking down the road and instinctively he swerved to hit him. But then he remembered there was a priest in the truck with him, so at the last minute he swerved back away, narrowly missing the lawyer. However even though he was certain he missed the lawyer, he still heard a loud "THUD". Not understanding where the noise came from he glanced in his mirrors and when he didn't see anything, he turned to the priest and said, "I'm sorry Father. I almost hit that lawyer."

"That's okay", replied the priest. "I got him with the door!"

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 Posted: Sun Sep 6th, 2015 11:33 am
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lobo316



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Why don't witches wear panties when flying?

So they can get a better grip on the broom.

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 Posted: Wed Sep 9th, 2015 09:23 pm
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beejmi
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Trump 2016 campaign leak

Attachment: Trump.jpg (Downloaded 46 times)

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 Posted: Wed Sep 9th, 2015 09:28 pm
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beejmi
THE BIG KAHUNA


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 Posted: Wed Sep 9th, 2015 09:30 pm
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beejmi
THE BIG KAHUNA


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 Posted: Wed Sep 9th, 2015 09:53 pm
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beejmi
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 Posted: Wed Sep 9th, 2015 09:57 pm
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beejmi
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 Posted: Sun Sep 13th, 2015 10:16 am
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lobo316



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A young man joined the Army and signed up with the paratroopers. He went though the standard training, completed the practice jumps from higher and higher structures, and finally went to take his first jump an airplane. The next day, he called home to his father to tell him
"So, did you jump?" the father asked.
"Well, let me tell you what happened. We got up in the plane, and the sergeant opened up the door and asked for volunteers. About a dozen men got up and just walked out of the plane!"
"Is that when you jumped?" asked the father.
"Um, not yet. Then the sergeant started to grab the other men one at a time and throw them out the door."
"Did you jump then?" asked the father.
"I'm getting to that. Every one else had jumped, and I was the last man left on the plane. I told the sergeant that I was too scared to jump. He told me to get off the plane or he'd kick my butt."
"So, did you jump?"
"Not then. He tried to push me out of the plane, but I grabbed onto the door and refused to go. Finally he called over the Jump Master. The Jump Master is this great big guy, about six-foot five, and 250 pounds. He said to me, `Boy, are you gonna jump or not?' I said,`No, sir. I'm too scared.' So the Jump Master pulled down his zipper and took his penis out. I swear, it was about ten inches long and as big around as a baseball bat! He said, `Boy, either you jump out that door, or I'm sticking this little baby up your ass.'"
"So, did you jump?" asked the father.
"Well, a little, at first."

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 Posted: Sun Sep 13th, 2015 11:37 am
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CanadianHorseman



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lobo316 wrote: on May 24th - 2015A young man joined the Army and signed up with the paratroopers. He went though the standard training, completed the practice jumps from higher and higher structures, and finally went to take his first jump an airplane. The next day, he called home to his father to tell him

"So, did you jump?" the father asked.
"Well, let me tell you what happened. We got up in the plane, and the sergeant opened up the door and asked for volunteers. About a dozen men got up and just walked out of the plane!"

"Is that when you jumped?" asked the father.
"Um, not yet. Then the sergeant started to grab the other men one at a time and throw them out the door."

"Did you jump then?" asked the father.
"I'm getting to that. Every one else had jumped, and I was the last man left on the plane. I told the sergeant that I was too scared to jump. He told me to get off the plane or he'd kick my butt."
"So, did you jump?"

"Not then. He tried to push me out of the plane, but I grabbed onto the door and refused to go. Finally he called over the Jump Master. The Jump Master is this great big guy, about six-foot five, and 250 pounds. He said to me, `Boy, are you gonna jump or not?' I said,`No, sir. I'm too scared.' So the Jump Master pulled down his zipper and took his penis out. I swear, it was about ten inches long and as big around as a baseball bat! He said, `Boy, either you jump out that door, or I'm sticking this little baby up your ass.'"
"So, did you jump?" asked the father.

"Well, a little, at first."




lobo316 wrote: on September 12th - 2015A young man joined the Army and signed up with the paratroopers. He went though the standard training, completed the practice jumps from higher and higher structures, and finally went to take his first jump an airplane. The next day, he called home to his father to tell him
"So, did you jump?" the father asked.
"Well, let me tell you what happened. We got up in the plane, and the sergeant opened up the door and asked for volunteers. About a dozen men got up and just walked out of the plane!"
"Is that when you jumped?" asked the father.
"Um, not yet. Then the sergeant started to grab the other men one at a time and throw them out the door."
"Did you jump then?" asked the father.
"I'm getting to that. Every one else had jumped, and I was the last man left on the plane. I told the sergeant that I was too scared to jump. He told me to get off the plane or he'd kick my butt."
"So, did you jump?"
"Not then. He tried to push me out of the plane, but I grabbed onto the door and refused to go. Finally he called over the Jump Master. The Jump Master is this great big guy, about six-foot five, and 250 pounds. He said to me, `Boy, are you gonna jump or not?' I said,`No, sir. I'm too scared.' So the Jump Master pulled down his zipper and took his penis out. I swear, it was about ten inches long and as big around as a baseball bat! He said, `Boy, either you jump out that door, or I'm sticking this little baby up your ass.'"
"So, did you jump?" asked the father.
"Well, a little, at first."


Yeah - it might be time for lobo316 to buy a new jokebook. :tongue:



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 Posted: Sun Sep 13th, 2015 09:43 pm
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beejmi
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Joke sucked back in May also

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 Posted: Sun Sep 27th, 2015 10:36 am
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1001st Post
lobo316



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Three young Irish candidates for the priesthood are told by the Monsignor they have to pass one more test: The Celibacy Test. The Monsignor leads them into a room, and tells them to undress, and a small bell is tied to each man's willy.
In comes a beautiful woman, wearing a sexy belly-dancer costume. She begins to dance sensually around the first candidate.
*Ting-a-ling*
"Oh, Patrick," says the Monsignor, "I am so disappointed in your lack of control. Go now and take a long, cold shower and pray about your carnal weakness." The candidate leaves.
The dancer continues, dancing around the second candidate, slowly peeling off her layers of veils. As the last veil drops:
*Ting-a-ling*
"Joseph, Joseph," sighs the Monsignor. "You too are unable to withstand your carnal desires. Go...take a long, cold shower and pray for forgiveness."
The dancer continues, dancing naked in front of the final candidate. Nothing. She writhes up and down against his body. No response. Finally, exhausted, she quits.
"Michael, my son, I am truly proud of you," says the Monsignor. "Only you have the true strength of character needed to become a priest. Now, go and join your weaker brethren in the showers."

Ting-a-ling

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 Posted: Sun Sep 27th, 2015 10:39 am
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1002nd Post
lobo316



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The beautiful secretary of the president of Chase Manhattan Bank goes to a sight-seeing tour with a very rich Taiwanese client. The client out of the blue asks her to marry him.
Naturally, the secretary is quite taken aback. However, she remembers what her boss told her. Don't reject the guy outright. So, she tries to think of a way to dissuade the businessman from wanting to marry her. So, after a few minutes, the woman says to the man, "I will only marry you under three conditions. First, I want an engagement ring to be a 75 carat diamond ring, with a matching 200 carat diamond tiara."
The Taiwanese man pauses for awhile. Then, he nods his head and says "No problem!! I buy. I buy."

Realizing that her first condition was too easy, the woman says to the man, "I want you to build me a 100 room mansion in New York. As a vacation home, I want a chateau built in the middle of the best wine country in France."
The man pauses for awhile. He whips out his cellular phone, calls some brokers in New York, then he calls some brokers in France. He looks at the woman, nods his head and says, "Okay, okay. I build, I build."

Realizing that she has one last condition, the secretary knows that she'd better make this a good one. She takes her time to think and finally, she gets an idea. A sure-to-work condition. She squints her eyes, looks at the man and says, rather coldly, "Since I like sex, I want the man I marry to have a 12-inch penis."
The man seems a bit disturbed. He cups his face with his hands and rests his elbows on the table. All the while, he's muttering something in Chinese. Finally, after what seemed like forever, the man shakes his head, looking real sad, says to the woman, "Okay, okay. I cut. I cut."

Last edited on Sun Sep 27th, 2015 10:39 am by lobo316

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 Posted: Sun Sep 27th, 2015 11:32 am
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lobo316



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A man and a woman were waiting at the hospital donation center.
Man - "What are you doing here today?"
Woman - "Oh, I'm here to donate some blood. They're going to give me $5 for it."
Man - "Hmmm, that's interesting. I'm here to donate sperm myself. But they pay me $25."


The woman looked thoughtful for a moment and they chatted some more before going their separate ways. Several months later, the same man and woman meet again in the donation center.


Man - "Oh, hi there. Here to donate blood again?"
Woman - (shaking her head with mouth closed) "Unh, unh."

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 Posted: Sun Oct 4th, 2015 12:14 pm
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lobo316



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A mouse and a lion walk into a bar, and they're sitting there chugging away at a few ales when a giraffe walks in."Get a load of her" says the mouse, "What a babe!" "Well, why not try your luck?" says the lion. So the mouse goes over to the giraffe and starts talking to her, and within five minutes they're out the door and gone into the night. Next day, the lion is in the bar drinking away, and the mouse staggers in. And I do mean "staggers". The mouse is absolutely worn out, and can hardly hold himself up. The lion helps his pal up on to a stool, pours a drink down his throat and says "What the hell happened to you? I saw you leave with the giraffe, what happened after that? Was she all right?" The mouse says "Yeah, she was really something else - we went out to dinner, had a couple of glasses of wine, and she invited me back to her place to spend the night. And oh, man! I've never had a night like it!" "But how come you look like you're so exhausted?" asks the lion. "Well" says the mouse "between the kissing and the screwing, I must have run a thousand miles!"

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 Posted: Sun Oct 11th, 2015 12:03 pm
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lobo316



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A South African delegate visits Russia on a State visit. One evening, after dinner, the host of the party invites the South African delegate to participate in the game of Russian Roulette. Before he got a chance to answer, he was drawn into a sideroom. Here he was given a gun with only one bullet in the magazine. He was instructed to spin the magazine, point the gun at his head and shoot.

Now obviously he did not wish to carry out this dangerous sport, but he did so as for not to offend the Russian's "ritual." Luckily he did not get the bullet but was clearly very shaken by the experience.

Some time later the very same Russian paid a return visit to South Africa. Now the South African felt that he could get his own back so he drew the latter into a side room. "Now it is your time to play SOUTH AFRICA'S roulette. Go into this room and there you will find seven women. Any one of these will give you a Blowjob..."

"So, what's the catch?" asked the other

".... one of them is a cannibal!!!!"

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