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Bad Jokes  Rating:  Rating
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 Posted: Thu May 15th, 2008 09:57 pm
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lobo316



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Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Little Boy Blue.
Little Boy Blue who?
Michael Jackson.

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 Posted: Fri May 16th, 2008 09:18 pm
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thunderbolt
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[size= ]



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The kind of man who wants the government to adopt and enforce his ideas is always the kind of man whose ideas are idiotic. ~ HL Mencken
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 Posted: Fri May 23rd, 2008 04:49 pm
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thunderbolt
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If you have sex with a prostitute against her will, is it considered rape or
shoplifting?

Can you cry under water?

How important does a person have to be before they are considered
assassinated instead of just murdered?

Why do you have to 'put your two cents in'... but it's only a 'penny for
your thoughts'?  Where's that extra penny going to?

Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried
in for eternity?

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

What disease did cured ham actually have?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a
good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why is it that people say they 'slept like a baby' when babies wake up like
every two hours?

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars
to look at things on the ground?

Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you
naked anyway.

Why is 'bra' singular and 'panties' plural?

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible
crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?

Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane ?

If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why
can't he fix a hole in a boat?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both
dogs!

If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he
just buy dinner?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables,
what is baby oil made from?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Why did you just try singing the two songs above?

Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call
it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you,
but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?


[code]



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The kind of man who wants the government to adopt and enforce his ideas is always the kind of man whose ideas are idiotic. ~ HL Mencken
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 Posted: Fri May 30th, 2008 03:32 pm
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lobo316



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Two old ladies were outside their nursing home, having a smoke, when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.

Lady 1: "What's that?"
Lady 2: "A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet."
Lady 1: "Where did you get it?"
Lady 2: "You can get them at any drugstore."

The next day, Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The guy, obviously embarrassed, looks at her strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years old), but very delicately asks what brand she prefers.

"Doesn't matter, son, as long as it fits a Camel."

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 Posted: Fri May 30th, 2008 04:14 pm
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beejmi
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A guy had a date with his girlfriend and was thinking that tonight was the night that she was going to score. He walked into the pharmacy and sheepishly asked "How much are the condoms?" to which was told "They are 99 cents. You get them up at the front counter."

So he walks up to the front counter and asks for a box of condoms and the clerk says "That's $1.05".  He replies "I thought they were 99 cents". The clerk says "The other six cents is for tax". He replies "Oh so that's how they stay on"

Tax=tacks

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 Posted: Sat May 31st, 2008 06:44 pm
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lobo316



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In a last desperate attempt to win the Democratic
nomination, Hillary vowed yesterday to shave her pubic
hair & show to all to see.
Are you really going to go thru with it, she was asked.
Replied Hillary, " Read my lips, no more Bush". 

 

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 Posted: Sun Jun 1st, 2008 01:59 am
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whatever



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Little Mary Margaret was not the best student in Catholic School . Usually she slept through the class.

One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping. 'Tell me Mary Margaret, who created the universe?'

When Mary Margaret didn't stir, little Johnny who was her friend sitting behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear.

'God Almighty!' shouted Mary Margaret.


The Nun said, 'Very good' and continued teaching her class.

A little later the Nun asked Mary Margaret, 'Who is our Lord and Savior?'

But Mary didn't stir from her slumber .    Once again, Johnny came to her rescue and stuck Mary Margaret in the butt.


"Jesus Christ!!!' shouted Mary Margaret and the Nun once again said,

 

'Very good,' and Mary Margaret fell back asleep.

The Nun asked her a third question...'What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?'


Again, Johnny came to the rescue.

This time Mary Margaret jumped up and shouted, 'If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!'

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 Posted: Sun Jun 1st, 2008 02:02 am
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whatever



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'Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl'.

The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano ?'

'Yes, Father, it is.'

'And who was the girl you were with?'


'I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation'

Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now.

 

Was it Tina Minetti?'

'I cannot say.'

'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?'

'I'll never tell.'

'Was it Nina Capelli?'

'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'

'Was it Cathy Piriano?'

'My lips are sealed.'

'Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?'

'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'

The priest sighs in frustration. 'You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.'

Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, 'What'd you get?'

'Four months vacation and five good leads.'


 

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 Posted: Sun Jun 1st, 2008 02:07 am
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whatever



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A rugged cowboy from Brokeback Mountain , Wyoming , goes into the doctor's office and has some tests run.

 

The doctor comes back and says, 'I am not going to beat around the bush; you have AIDS.'

 

The cowboy tugs at his Stetson and sets his jaw and says, 'Doc, what can I do?'

 

The doctor says, 'I want you to go home and eat 5 pounds of spicy sausage, a head of cabbage, 20 un-peeled carrots drenched in hot sauce, 10 Jalapeno peppers, 40 walnuts and 40 peanuts, 1/2 box of Grapenuts cereal, and top it off with a gallon of prune juice.'

 

The cowboy squares his rugged shoulders and asks, 'Will that cure me, Doc?'

 

'No, but it should leave you with a better understanding of what your ass is for.' 

 

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 Posted: Sun Jun 1st, 2008 08:06 pm
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lobo316



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There was a little girl and her mother walking through the park one day and they saw two teenagers having sex on a bench. The little girl says” Mummy what are they doing?"
The mother hesitates then quickly replies "Ummm they are making cakes".
The next day they are at a zoo and the little girl sees two monkeys having sex. Again she asks her mother what they are doing and her Mother replies with the same response, making cakes.
The next day the girl says to her mother "Mummy, you and Daddy were making cakes in the lounge last night". Shocked, the Mother says "how do you know?" She says, "because I licked the icing off the sofa"

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 Posted: Thu Jun 5th, 2008 03:09 pm
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beejmi
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From my email box to you

> This proves we have become far too dependent on our computers.
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 Posted: Thu Jun 5th, 2008 11:35 pm
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lobo316



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Little boy runs into the kitchen and asks Grandma where Mum and Dad are.
Grandma replies they are still in bed. Little boy giggles and leaves.
About lunch time the boy comes back and asks Grandma the same question.
Grandma replies they are still in bed. Boy giggles and leaves.
Dinner time arrives and back goes the boy with the same question and gets the same answer. He starts to giggle again and Grandma getting a bit pissed off by now asks him what is giggling about.
The little fellow replies," Dad came into my room this morning asking for the Vaseline and I fooled him by giving him the super glue".

 

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 Posted: Fri Jun 20th, 2008 05:37 pm
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beejmi
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A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him.

She says hello. He's rather taken back because he can't place where he knows her from. So he says, "Do you know me?" To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says,"My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???"

 She looks into his eyes and says  "No, I'm your son's teacher."

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 Posted: Fri Jun 20th, 2008 06:01 pm
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The Ultimate Sin
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beejmi wrote:  
A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him.

She says hello. He's rather taken back because he can't place where he knows her from. So he says, "Do you know me?" To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says,"My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???"

 She looks into his eyes and says  "No, I'm your son's teacher."

I love that joke.



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 Posted: Sat Jun 21st, 2008 05:09 pm
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lobo316



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A couple were invited to a swanky family masked fancy dress Halloween party.

The wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party
alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she
was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his
good time to be spoiled by not going.

So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly
for about an hour, woke without pain and as it was still early, decided to
go to the party. As her husband didn't know what her costume was, she
thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted
when she was! not with him.

So she joined the party and soon spotted her husband in his costume,
cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice "chick" he
could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there.

His wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left
his new partner high and dry and devoted his time to her. She let him go as
far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband.

After more drinks he finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear
and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had passionate
intercourse in the back seat. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped

away and went home and put the costume away and She was sitting up reading
when he came in, so she asked what kind of time he had.

"Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not
there."
Then she asked, "Did you dance much?"
He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there,

I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the spare room
and played poker all evening."

"You must have looked really silly wearing that costume playing poker all
night!" she said with unashamed sarcasm.

To which the husband replied, "Actually, I gave my costume to my Dad,
apparently he had the time of his life."






 






 


Last edited on Sat Jun 21st, 2008 05:10 pm by lobo316

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