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Bad Jokes  Rating:  Rating
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 Posted: Wed Jun 22nd, 2016 10:42 pm
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1066th Post
CanadianHorseman



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beejmi wrote: What's the difference between a rooster and prostitute?

The rooster says 'cock a doodle do' and the prostitute says 'any cock will do'

Oh great - now you and lobo316 are using the same " World's Oldest Joke Book ". :tongue:



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 Posted: Wed Jun 22nd, 2016 11:15 pm
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1067th Post
beejmi
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Other than your baseball picks, I do not see you bringing the funny

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 Posted: Wed Jun 22nd, 2016 11:58 pm
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1068th Post
beejmi
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Did you hear about the new $20 bill?

Prince is going to be on it.

It's only gonna be worth $19.99

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 Posted: Sun Jun 26th, 2016 12:02 pm
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1069th Post
lobo316
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A man walks into a pet shop and says to the owner. "Ok I want to buy a pet, but I don't want a boring normal pet, no cats, or dogs or budgies I want something different."

The pet shop owner informs him that he has a talking centipede. "Really?" says the man "How much?" The owner informs him that the talking centipede is $50. Happy with the unusual offering the man pays the money and takes his new pet home.

On getting home he lays the match box with the centipede in it on the table, opens it and says, "Hello mr centipede, fancy going to the pub for a few drinks?" The centipede says nothing. Figuring it must be tired from the journey he decides to leave it for an hour and try again later.

An hour later he opens the match box and says "Hello mr centipede, fancy going to the pub for a few drinks?" The centipede again says nothing. Starting to get suspicious the man decides he will give it one more hour, and if the centipede doesn't talk he will take it back to the shop for a refund.

An hour later the man opens the match box and says "Hello mr centipede, fancy going to the pub for a few drinks?" The centipede says "I heard you the first time you moron! I'm putting my shoes on!"

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 Posted: Sun Jun 26th, 2016 10:38 pm
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1070th Post
Arnold_OldSchool

 

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What did the Muslim say when he walked into the gay bar?

"Next shots are on me"

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 Posted: Sun Jul 3rd, 2016 11:49 am
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1071st Post
lobo316
Mr Baseball


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A black boy walks into the kitchen where his mother is baking and accidentally pulls the flour over onto his head. He turns to his mother and says, “Look Mama, I’m a white boy!” His mother smacks him and says, “Go tell your Daddy what you just said!” The boy finds his father and says, “Look Daddy, I’m a white boy!” His Daddy bends him over, spanks him, stands the boy back up, and says, “Now, what do you have to say for yourself?” The boy replies, “I’ve only been a white boy for five minutes and I already hate you black people!”

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 Posted: Sun Jul 10th, 2016 12:03 pm
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lobo316
Mr Baseball


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Three prisoners are locked in a cell. One takes out a harmonica and says, ‘At least I can play a little music and pass the time.’ The second prisoner pull out a pack of cards and says, ‘We can play games too.’ The third man pulls out a packet of tampons. ‘Those aren’t much use,’ says the first prisoner. ‘Yes they are,’ says the third prisoner. ‘On the packet it says we can use them to swim, play tennis and ski.’

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 Posted: Sun Jul 17th, 2016 11:58 am
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1073rd Post
lobo316
Mr Baseball


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One night as a bartender is closing up his bar, he hears a knock at the back door. When he opens the door, there stands a bum who asks, "Can I have a toothpick?" The bartender gives him a toothpick and continues cleaning up his bar. Five minutes later, he hears another knock at the door. Again, there stands another bum who asks, "Can I have a toothpick?" The bartender gives him a toothpick and continues cleaning up the bar. Five minutes later, he hears another knock at the back door. This time, there's a bum asking for a straw. The owner gives him a straw, but finally asks what's going on out there. The bum replies, "Some lady threw up in the back, but all the good stuff is gone."

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 Posted: Sun Jul 17th, 2016 08:01 pm
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1074th Post
LarrySC



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Grandpa never believed in flying saucers.....until he tripped a waitress!

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 Posted: Sun Jul 24th, 2016 09:44 am
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1075th Post
lobo316
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Walking into a lawyers office, a man asked what his rates were. "Fifty dollars for three questions," the lawyer stated. "Isn't that awfully expensive?" the man asked?" "Yes," replied the lawyer. "What's your third question?"

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 Posted: Sun Jul 31st, 2016 12:00 pm
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1076th Post
lobo316
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A very elderly couple is having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary. The old man leans forward and says softly to his wife, “Dear, there is something that I must ask you. It has always bothered me that our tenth child never quite looked like the rest of our children. Now I want to assure you that these 75 years have been the most wonderful experience I could have ever hoped for, and your answer cannot take that all that away. But, I must know, did he have a different father?” The wife drops her head, unable to look her husband in the eye, she paused for a moment and then confessed. “Yes. Yes he did.” The old man is very shaken, the reality of what his wife was admitting hit him harder than he had expected. With a tear in his eye he asks “Who? Who was he? Who was the father?” Again the old woman drops her head, saying nothing at first as she tried to muster the courage to tell the truth to her husband. Then, finally, she says, “You.”

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 Posted: Thu Aug 4th, 2016 11:43 pm
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1077th Post
Count Grog
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A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar, and orders a drink. Looking around, he sees 3 men sitting at a corner table. He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over, looks at the biggest, meanest one in the face and says, “I went by your grandma’s house today and I saw her in the hallway buck-naked. Man, she is a fine looking woman!”

The biker looks at him and doesn’t say a word. His buddies are confused, because he is one bad biker and would fight at the drop of a hat.

The drunk leans on the table again and says, “I got it on with your grandma and she is good, the best I ever had!”

The biker’s buddies are starting to get really mad, but the biker still says nothing.

The drunk leans on the table one more time and says, “I’ll tell you something else, boy, your grandma liked it!”

At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders, and says…

“Grandpa, you’re drunk… Go home!”



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Most people don't care if you're telling them the truth or if you're telling them a lie, as long as they're entertained by it. - Tom Waits

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 Posted: Sun Aug 7th, 2016 11:57 am
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1078th Post
lobo316
Mr Baseball


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There was a prison break and I saw a midget climb up the fence. As he jumped down he sneered at me and I thought, well that’s a little condescending.

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 Posted: Sun Aug 7th, 2016 12:27 pm
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1079th Post
lobo316
Mr Baseball


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A guy is stranded on an island with only a Doberman and a pig for company. There's plenty of food and water, and the weather is beautiful, so he's doing alright, but after a few months he gets lonely. The pig starts to look more and more attractive, soft, pink flesh, round buttocks. But every time this poor guy makes an advance towards the pig, the Doberman snarls at him and once almost bit his leg. Very frustrating. One day the guy sees a speck on the horizon, so he swims out there and it turns out to be a dinghy, cast adrift, and in the bottom of the boat is a beautiful woman, unconscious. He drags her to shore and brings her into his hut and slowly nurses her back to health. Finally she is well enough to walk and she says to him "Thank you, thank you for saving my life. I don't know how I can ever repay you. I'll do anything for you, anything, just name it." The guy thinks for a minute and says, "Would you mind taking my dog for a walk?"

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 Posted: Sun Aug 14th, 2016 11:14 am
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1080th Post
lobo316
Mr Baseball


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Four gay guys are sitting in a Jacuzzi when all of a sudden, a condom starts floating. One of the gay guys turns around and asks, "Okay, who farted?"

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