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Bad Jokes  Rating:  Rating
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 Posted: Sun Aug 21st, 2016 09:14 am
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1081st Post
lobo316



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Q: How do you embarrass an archeologist?
A: Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.

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 Posted: Sun Aug 28th, 2016 09:08 am
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lobo316



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A man in his 90's, for a special birthday gift from his grandsons, is sent a hooker to his home to entertain him.  After she rings the bell of his home, she informs him that his grandsons sent her as a special birthday gift, to provide her services.  The grandfather asks her, " What do you do?"  She said ,"I can provide you "Sup-er Sex".  “He says, “Look, I'm 98 years old, I'll take the soup!"

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 Posted: Sun Sep 4th, 2016 09:18 am
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1083rd Post
lobo316



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Sid and Al were sitting in a Chinese restaurant. "Sid," asked Al, "are there any Jews in China?"

"I don't know," Sid replied. "Why don't we ask the waiter?"

When the waiter came by, Al asked him, "Are there any Chinese Jews?"

"I don't know sir, let me ask," the waiter replied, and he went into the kitchen. He returned in a few minutes and said, "No, sir. No, Chinese Jews."

"Are you sure?" Al asked.

"I will check again, sir," the waiter replied and went back to the kitchen. While he was still gone, Sid said, "I cannot believe there are no Jews in China. Our people are scattered everywhere."

When the waiter returned he said, "Sir, no Chinese Jews."

"Are you really sure?" Al asked again.

"I cannot believe there are no Chinese Jews."

"Sir, I ask everyone," the waiter replied exasperated. "We have Orange Jews, Prune Jews, Tomato Jews and Grape Jews, but we have no Chinese Jews."

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 Posted: Sun Sep 18th, 2016 09:08 am
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1084th Post
lobo316



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A man walks past an ice cream stand that advertises, "Every flavour ice cream in the world."

"Bullshit," thinks the man and walks in. "So you say you have every flavour ice cream in the world?" "O.K., I would like three scoops of cunt flavoured ice cream please."

"No problem sir." The assistant gives the man three scoops of ice cream in a cone and the man takes a good lick.

Grimacing, he says, "This doesn't taste like cunt, it tastes like shit!" The assistant replies,

"Of course it tastes like shit when you take such long licks!"

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 Posted: Mon Sep 19th, 2016 07:04 pm
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beejmi
The Big Kahuna


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An older couple was making love. Te old man decided to give her some oral. He slides down and shortly raises his head and says,"honey, i can't stay down here too long. It really stinks down here". She replies," I'm sorry baby, it's my arthritis". He replies,"What? you have arthritis in your vagina"? "No" she says,"It's in my shoulder. I can't wipe my ass".

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 Posted: Sun Sep 25th, 2016 10:15 am
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lobo316



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Little Sally came home from school with a smile on her face, and told her mother, "Frankie Brown showed me his weenie today at the playground!" Before the mother could raise a concern, Sally went on to say, "It reminded me of a peanut." Relaxing with a hidden smile, Sally's mom asked, "Really small, was it?" Sally replied, "No, salty."

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 Posted: Sun Oct 2nd, 2016 12:25 pm
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1087th Post
lobo316



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This guy goes to the drug store with his young son. As they walk past the condom display, the boy notices them and asks his Dad, “What are these, Dad?”
The man doesn’t believe in hiding things from his son and thinks his son is old enough to learn about such things so he says, “They are called condoms. Men use them for safe sex.”

The boy looks at the display and notices there are packs of three condoms. He points to them and says, “Why are there three in those packets?”

The Dad replies, “Those are for high-school boys – there’s one for Friday, one for Saturday and one for Sunday.”

“Cool!” says the boy, who then notices there are packs of six condoms and asks his Dad, “Then who are the packets of six for?”

The Dad answers, “Those are for college men. There are two for Friday, two for Saturday and two for Sunday.”

“Wow!” said the boy, “Then who uses THESE?” as he picked up a twelve-pack.

The Dad sighs sadly and says, “Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March …

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 Posted: Sun Oct 2nd, 2016 12:29 pm
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1088th Post
lobo316



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A woman shopping in a drugstore asked the clerk if they sold exttra large condoms.
'Yes we do. Do you want some ? " the clerk asked.
The woman replied, "No, I'll just wait here until someone else does"

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 Posted: Sun Oct 9th, 2016 10:21 am
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lobo316



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A man and a woman were waiting at the hospital donation center.
Man - "What are you doing here today?"
Woman - "Oh, I'm here to donate some blood. They're going to give me $5 for it."
Man - "Hmmm, that's interesting. I'm here to donate sperm myself. But they pay me $25."
The woman looked thoughtful for a moment and they chatted some more before going their separate ways. Several months later, the same man and woman meet again in the donation center.
Man - "Oh, hi there. Here to donate blood again?"
Woman - (shaking her head with mouth closed) "Unh, unh."

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 Posted: Sun Oct 16th, 2016 10:51 am
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lobo316



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A flea had oiled up his little flea legs and his little flea arms, had spread out his blanket, and was proceeding to soak up the Miami sun when who should stumble by on the beach but an old flea friend of his.

"Oscar, what happened to you?", asked the flea, because Oscar looked terrible, wrapped up in a blanket, his nose running, his eyes red, and his teeth chattering.

"I got a ride down here in some guy's mustache and he came down here by motorcycle. I nearly froze my nuts off," wheezed Oscar.


"Let me give you a tip, old pal," said the first flea, spreading some more suntan oil on his shoulders. "You go to the stewardess lounge at the airport, see, and you get up on the toilet seat, and when an Air Florida stewardess comes in to take a leak, you hop on for a nice warm ride. Got it?"
So you can imagine the flea's surprise when, a month or so later, while stretched out all warm and comfortable on the beach, who should he see but Oscar - looking more chilled and miserable than before.


"Listen," said Oscar, "I did everything you said. I made it to the stewardess lounge and waited till a really cute one came in, and made a perfect landing and got so warm and cozy that I dozed right off."


"And so?" asked the first flea.
"And so the next thing I know, I'm on this guy's mustache again!"

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 Posted: Sun Oct 16th, 2016 12:25 pm
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1091st Post
lobo316



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“I recall my first time with a condom, I was 16 or so. I went in to buy a packet of condoms at the pharmacy. There was this beautiful woman assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was new at it. She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one. I honestly answered, ‘No, this is my first time.’

So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure. I apparently still looked confused. So, she looked all around the store to see if it was empty. It was empty.

‘Just a minute,’ she said, and walked to the door, and locked it. Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. ‘Do these excite you?’ She asked.

Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was nod my head. She then said it was time to slip the condom on. As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay down on a desk.

‘Well, come on’, she said, ‘We don’t have much time.’ So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful, that unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KAPOWWWWWWWW, I was done within a few moments.

She looked at me with a bit of a frown. ‘Did you put that condom on?’ she asked.

I said, ‘I sure did,’ and held up my thumb to show her.

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 Posted: Sun Oct 23rd, 2016 10:58 am
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1092nd Post
lobo316



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A huge guy walks into a bar, approaches a little guy and karate chops him in the back. When the little guy gets up, the huge guy says, "That was a karate chop from Korea."A little later, the huge guy walks back over to the little guy and karate chops him in the back. The huge guy says, "That was a karate chop from China."The little guy leaves the bar, comes back and hits the huge guy on the back. The huge guy lies unconscious on the floor. The little guy tells the bartender, "Tell him that was a crowbar from Sears."

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 Posted: Sun Nov 6th, 2016 07:30 am
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lobo316



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What’s black and screams?

Stevie Wonder answering the iron.

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 Posted: Sun Nov 6th, 2016 07:31 am
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1094th Post
lobo316



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Harry and his wife are having hard financial times, so they decide she'll become a hooker.

She's not quite sure what to do, so Harry says, "Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy. Tell him a hundred bucks. If you've got a question, I'll be parked around the corner.

She's not there five minutes when a guy pulls up and says, "How much?"

"A hundred dollars."

"Damn. All I've got is thirty."

"Hold on," she says and runs back to Harry. "What can he get for thirty dollars?"

"A handjob," Harry replies.

She runs back and tells the guy all he gets for thirty dollars is a handjob.

He says okay, she gets in the car, he unzips his pants, and out pops a simply HUGE male unit.

She stares at it for a minute, and then says, "I'll be right back."

She runs back around the corner and says breathlessly, "Harry, can you loan this guy seventy bucks?"

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 Posted: Mon Nov 7th, 2016 03:21 am
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beejmi
The Big Kahuna


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...

Attachment: Pumpkin.jpg (Downloaded 17 times)

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