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Bad Jokes  Rating:  Rating
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 Posted: Sat Jul 11th, 2020 06:37 pm
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srossi

 

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Found this on a list of best semi-dirty dad jokes to tell your kids. I like #4 and #9 the best.

1. I farted at work the other day… and my coworker started trying to open the window. It must have been a really bad one — we work on a submarine.

2. Why did the ketchup blush?

Because he saw the salad dressing.

3. Why didn’t the toilet paper cross the road?

It got stuck in the crack.

4. An old married couple are in church one Sunday… when the woman turns to her husband and says, “I’ve just let out a really long, silent fart. What should I do?”

The husband turned to her and says, “Replace the battery in your hearing aid.”

5. A wife sent her husband a romantic text message… She wrote: “If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you.” Her husband texted back: “I’m on the toilet, please advise.”

6. What happened to the fly on the toilet seat?

It got peed-off.

7. What comes out of your nose at 150 mph?

Lambogreeny.

8. There was an Englishman, an Irishman, and a Bear:

The Englishman said, “I like English ladies best.”

The Irishman said, “I like Irish ladies best.”

And the bear said, “I like bear ladies best.”

9. If you’re American in the living room what are you in the bathroom?

European.

10. What did the elephant say to the naked man?

“How do you breathe through that thing?”

11. Why did the baker have smelly hands?

Because he kneaded a poo!

12. I was at a sophisticated dinner party the other day… when I farted loudly. One of the guests was appalled and said indignantly, “How dare you fart in front of my wife!” I said, “I’m sorry, I didn’t realize it was her turn next.”

13. What’s brown and sticky?

A stick.

14. This morning as I was buttoning my shirt, a button fell off… After that, I picked up my briefcase, and the handle fell off. Then I went to open the door, and the doorknob fell off. I went to get into my car, and the door handle came off in my hand. Now I’m afraid to pee.

15. A pirate walks into the doctor’s office:

Pirate: Doc, you got to help, me ship’s steering wheel got stuck to me crotch.

Doctor: So, what’s the problem?

Pirate: Doc… it’s driving me nuts!

16. Why did the cop sit on the toilet?

To do his duty.

17. Two fish swim into a wall… One turns to the other and says, “Dam!”

Last edited on Sat Jul 11th, 2020 06:38 pm by srossi



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 Posted: Sat Jul 18th, 2020 12:03 pm
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Heenan Fan
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Ric Flair walks into a bar...every morning...until he stays there...until it closes.


Ric Flair has stated in numerous shoot interviews that he defended the NWA World Title in Germany at least a hundred times. But like a lot of stories out of Germany, those numbers are probably inflated, if not a complete hoax.


Last edited on Sat Jul 18th, 2020 12:47 pm by Heenan Fan



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 Posted: Mon Jul 20th, 2020 12:58 am
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What does eggs benedict and a blow job have in common?



You can't order either one at home!



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"Comedians are just like Pro Wrestlers...all the good ones are dead!" Me, 2019

"I'm too smart to be a Democrat and too poor to be a Republican." Me, 2000
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 Posted: Mon Jul 20th, 2020 01:07 am
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What Is the first thing you do when your parakeet dies?




Play badminton.



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"Comedians are just like Pro Wrestlers...all the good ones are dead!" Me, 2019

"I'm too smart to be a Democrat and too poor to be a Republican." Me, 2000
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 Posted: Mon Jul 20th, 2020 01:11 am
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Why do dogs lick their own balls?


Because they can.



Why do dogs stick their noses in women's crotches?


Same reason.



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"Comedians are just like Pro Wrestlers...all the good ones are dead!" Me, 2019

"I'm too smart to be a Democrat and too poor to be a Republican." Me, 2000
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 Posted: Mon Jul 20th, 2020 01:18 am
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Two dogs walk up to a parking meter. One of the dogs says to the other, "How do you like that? Pay toilets!"



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"Comedians are just like Pro Wrestlers...all the good ones are dead!" Me, 2019

"I'm too smart to be a Democrat and too poor to be a Republican." Me, 2000
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 Posted: Mon Jul 20th, 2020 01:21 am
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What did the worm say to the caterpillar?



"What did you have to do to get that fur coat?"



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"Comedians are just like Pro Wrestlers...all the good ones are dead!" Me, 2019

"I'm too smart to be a Democrat and too poor to be a Republican." Me, 2000
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 Posted: Mon Jul 20th, 2020 01:34 am
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"Mom, I'm pregnant," announced the 16 year old girl.

Her mother paled.

"And it's your fault", continued the young girl.


"My fault?" gasped her startled mother. "I bought you books, showed you pictures. I told you about the facts of life."


"Yeah, yeah-but you never taught me how to give a decent blow job, did you?"



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"Comedians are just like Pro Wrestlers...all the good ones are dead!" Me, 2019

"I'm too smart to be a Democrat and too poor to be a Republican." Me, 2000
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 Posted: Mon Jul 20th, 2020 01:37 am
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Why pay a dollar for a bookmark?

Just use the dollar for a bookmark.



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"Comedians are just like Pro Wrestlers...all the good ones are dead!" Me, 2019

"I'm too smart to be a Democrat and too poor to be a Republican." Me, 2000
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 Posted: Mon Jul 20th, 2020 01:49 am
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DEFINITION:

racist/ˈrāsəst/ 

noun

A word that describes somebody who wins an argument against a liberal.

Last edited on Mon Jul 20th, 2020 02:09 am by Heenan Fan



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"Comedians are just like Pro Wrestlers...all the good ones are dead!" Me, 2019

"I'm too smart to be a Democrat and too poor to be a Republican." Me, 2000
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 Posted: Mon Jul 20th, 2020 05:13 am
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beejmi
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Knock it off Lobo. That was funny. 

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 Posted: Mon Jul 20th, 2020 06:31 am
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Cindy got her vibrator stuck inside her, so she went to her gynecologist. "To remove the vibrator, I'm going to have to perform a very long and delicate operation", said the doctor.

"I don't think I can afford that", said Cindy. "Could you just replace the batteries?"

Last edited on Mon Jul 20th, 2020 02:26 pm by Heenan Fan



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"Comedians are just like Pro Wrestlers...all the good ones are dead!" Me, 2019

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 Posted: Mon Jul 20th, 2020 02:41 pm
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"I've got some good news and some bad news," says the doctor.

"What's the bad news?" asks the patient.

"The bad news is that unfortunately you've only got three months to live."

The patient is shocked. "Well...what's the good news then, doctor?"

The doctor points to his receptionist. "You see that blonde with big breasts, tight ass, and long legs that go all the way up to heaven?"

The patient nods.

"I'm fucking her."



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"Comedians are just like Pro Wrestlers...all the good ones are dead!" Me, 2019

"I'm too smart to be a Democrat and too poor to be a Republican." Me, 2000
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 Posted: Mon Jul 20th, 2020 02:46 pm
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Did you here about the guy who accidentally overdosed on Viagra?



They couldn't get the casket lid shut!



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"Comedians are just like Pro Wrestlers...all the good ones are dead!" Me, 2019

"I'm too smart to be a Democrat and too poor to be a Republican." Me, 2000
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 Posted: Mon Jul 20th, 2020 03:22 pm
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A pessimist is a man who thinks all women are sluts. An optimist hopes they are.


I like to date homeless women. It's easy to talk her into staying the night.


Last edited on Mon Jul 20th, 2020 04:49 pm by Heenan Fan



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"Comedians are just like Pro Wrestlers...all the good ones are dead!" Me, 2019

"I'm too smart to be a Democrat and too poor to be a Republican." Me, 2000
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