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 Posted: Thu Aug 28th, 2008 06:37 am
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121st Post
beejmi
The Big Kahuna


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Two cowboys are sitting on their horses watching the sunset.

One cowboy turns to the other and asks "whats your favourite sexual position?"

"I'd have to say the rodeo position" replies the second cowboy.

"The rodeo position! what the hell is that?" asks the first cowboy.

"Well" says the second cowboy, "you take the woman doggie style, reach around to cup her breasts and say 'wow, these feel just like your sisters' then you hold on for as long as you can!"

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 Posted: Wed Sep 3rd, 2008 04:13 pm
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122nd Post
lobo316



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What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend ?
Wiped his ass. 

 

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 Posted: Thu Sep 18th, 2008 08:03 pm
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123rd Post
CanadianHorseman



Joined: Fri Nov 2nd, 2007
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My cousin just e-mailed me this one:

 



UP & DOWN SEX

At a Senior Citizen's luncheon, an elderly gentleman and an elderly lady

struck up a conversation and discovered that they both loved to fish.

Since both of them were widowed, they decided to go
fishing together the next day.

The gentleman picked the lady up, and they headed to the
river to his fishing boat and started out on their adventure.

They were sailing down the river when suddenly there was
a fork in the river, and the gentleman asked the lady,
'Do you want to go up or down?'

All of a sudden the lady stripped off her shirt and pants
and made mad passionate love to the man right there in the boat !

When they finished, the man couldn't believe what had just happened,

what he had just experienced the best sex that he'd had in years.

They fished for a while and continued on down the river,
when soon they came upon another fork in the river.

He again asked the lady, 'Up or down ?'

There she went again, stripped off her clothes and made wild passionate love to him again.

his really impressed the elderly gentleman, so he asked
her to go fishing again the next day.

She said yes and there they were the next day, in the boat when they

came upon the fork in river, and the elderly gentleman asked, 'Up or down ?'

The woman replied, 'Down.'

A little puzzled and disappointed, the gentleman guided
the boat down the river when he came upon

Another fork in the river and he asked the

Lady,'Up or down ?'

She replied, 'Up.'

This really confused the gentleman so he asked, 'What's the deal?

Yesterday, every time I asked you if you wanted to go up or down you

made mad passionate love to me. Now today, nothing!'

She replied, 'Well, yesterday I wasn't wearing my
hearing aid and I thought the choices were fuck or drown.


Last edited on Thu Sep 18th, 2008 08:09 pm by CanadianHorseman



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 Posted: Fri Sep 19th, 2008 07:31 pm
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124th Post
CanadianHorseman



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Just got this one from my cousin:

 

As men age, we tend to end up seeing more and more of the medical
establishment.

For example, my family doctor recently referred me to a female
urologist. I saw her yesterday and she is gorgeous.  She's beautiful and
unbelievably sexy.

She told me that I must stop masturbating.

I asked her why, and she said, "Because I'm trying to examine you..."



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 Posted: Fri Sep 19th, 2008 09:12 pm
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125th Post
lobo316



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A lady walks into a bar and sees a really good-looking guy sitting at
the bar by himself. She goes over and asks him what he is drinking.
"Magic Beer," he says.
She thinks he's a little crazy, so she walks around the bar, but after
realizing that there is no one else worth talking to, goes back to the
man sitting at the bar and says, "That isn't really Magic Beer, is it?"
Yes, I'll show you." He takes a drink of the beer, jumps out the window,
flies around the building three times and comes back in the window!
The lady can't believe it: "I bet you can't do that again."
He takes another drink of beer, jumps out the window, flies around the
building three times, and comes back in the window.
She is so amazed that she says she wants a Magic Beer, so the guy says
to the bartender, "Give her one of what I'm having."
She gets her drink, takes a gulp of the beer, jumps out the window,
plummets to the ground, breaks every bone in her body, and dies.
The bartender looks up at the guy and says, "You know, Superman, you're
a real asshole when you're drunk."

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 Posted: Fri Sep 19th, 2008 09:25 pm
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126th Post
CanadianHorseman



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My friend just sent me this one - the first part I had heard before but the second part was new to me.


THE HUSBAND STORE

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of
the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights.


The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to
go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!



So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:


Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'



So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.
'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.



She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and
Help With Housework.


'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'


Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with
Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.


She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on
this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.


PLEASE NOTE:



To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened The Wife Store just across the street.


The first floor has wives that love sex.



The second floor has wives that love sex, like beer and have money.



The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.




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 Posted: Mon Sep 22nd, 2008 05:12 pm
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127th Post
beejmi
The Big Kahuna


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Why do lesbians drink Diet Coke?

 

Because they are fat and thirsty

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 Posted: Mon Sep 29th, 2008 11:35 pm
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128th Post
lobo316



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Carpetbeggar is a chicken farmer; his farm is dedicated to the fertilized egg business.  In his farm yard, CB  had 450 young hens to lay the eggs.  Incidentally, at this stage the female hens are called 'pullets'.  Now to fertilise the eggs, which the pullets laid, CB had 12 male birds called roosters.

CB kept careful records, and any rooster that didn't perform went straight into the cooking pot and a replacement introduced.  CB found this task time consuming, along with posting at S & W,  so he bought a dozen tiny bells and attached one to each of his roosters.  Cunningly, each bell had a different ring tone so he could tell  from the comfort of his porch, which rooster was performing.

So now CB could sit on his rocking chair and tick the boxes on his efficiency report simply by listening to the bells. The farmer's favourite rooster was Terry Taylor, a very fine specimen he was, too. But on this particular morning CB noticed TT's bell hadn't rung at all!  CB went to investigate.

The other roosters were chasing pullets, their bells-a-ringing.  The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.  But to CB's amazement, TT had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.

CB was so proud of TT, he entered him in the  county fair and TT became an overnight sensation among the judges. The result... The judges not only awarded Terry Taylor the No Bell Piece Prize, but also they awarded him the Pulletsurprise!

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 Posted: Sat Oct 11th, 2008 12:09 am
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129th Post
beejmi
The Big Kahuna


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A husband and wife were sitting watching TV when he turned to his wife and said, 'Honey, tell me something that will make me happy and sad all at the same time.'

She replied, 'You have the biggest dick of all your friends.

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 Posted: Sat Oct 11th, 2008 12:12 am
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130th Post
beejmi
The Big Kahuna


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In a bar lounge, a real southern gentleman beckoned the waitress back
and said quietly, 'Miss, y'all sure are a luvly, luvly lady, can ah
persuade y'all to give me a piece of ass?'

'Lord, that's the most direct proposition I've ever had!' gasped the
girl. Then she looked around the room, smiled and added, 'Sure, why not?
You're nice lookin' too and it's pretty slow here right now, so why don't
we just slip away up to my room?'

When the pair returned half an hour later, the man sat down at the same
table and the waitress asked, 'Will there be anything else, sir?'

'Why yes,' replied the southern gentleman. 'Ah sure 'preciate what y'all
just did for me; it was real sweet and right neighbourly, but where we ah
come from in Albama, we lack our bourbon real cold, so ah still need to
trouble y'all for a piece uh ass for mah drink.'

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 Posted: Thu Oct 23rd, 2008 10:03 am
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131st Post
beejmi
The Big Kahuna


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One day a mouse came upon an elephant in the jungle who had gotten a thorn in its foot.

The mouse felt sorry for the elephant, and pulled the thorn out.

The elephant was indeed grateful, and offered the mouse anything it wanted in return for the good deed.

The mouse, noticing that the elephant was female, and feeling rather randy at the time, said: “Well, I’ve always wanted to fuck an elephant.”

The elephant laughed and laughed, and said:”No problem.” and raised the mouse up to her back with her trunk.

The mouse walked to the back of the elephant, who held her tail out of the way, and got started.

Just then a coconut fell from a palm tree and hit the elephant on the head. “Ouch.” She said.

The mouse said: “Take it all, bitch!”

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 Posted: Thu Oct 23rd, 2008 03:35 pm
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132nd Post
lobo316



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A man buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool. After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant, and calls a vet for help.
The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination. The guy doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and will, instead, lay down and wallow in grass when they are pregnant.
The Man hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the sheep. So, he loads the sheep into his truck, drives them out into the outback, has sex with them all, brings them back and goes to bed. Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he deduces that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the truck again. He drives them out to the outback, bangs each sheep twice for good measure, brings them back and goes to bed. Next morning, he wakes to find the sheep still just standing around. One more try, he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up and drive them out to the outback. He spends all day shagging the sheep and, upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed.
The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look at the sheep. He asks his wife to look out and tell him if the sheep are laying in the grass.


No," she says, "they're all in the truck and one of them is honking the horn."

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 Posted: Fri Oct 31st, 2008 05:40 pm
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133rd Post
lobo316



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A dedicated Teamsters union worker was attending a convention in Las Vegas and decided to check out the local brothels.
When he got to the first one, he asked the Madam, "Is this a union house?"
"No," she replied, "I'm sorry it isn't."
"Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"
"The house gets $80 and the girls get $20," she answered.
Mightily offended at such unfair dealings, the union man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable, hopefully unionized shop.
His search continued until finally he reached a brothel where the Madam responded, "Why yes sir, this is a union house. We observe all union rules."
The man asked, "And if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"
"The girls get $80 and the house gets $20."
"That's more like it!" the union man said. He handed the Madam $100, looked around the room and pointed to an attractive blonde. "I'd like her," he said.
I'm sure you would, sir," said the Madam. Then she gestured to a 72 year old woman in the corner, "but Ethel, here, has 47 years seniority, and she's next."

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 Posted: Wed Nov 5th, 2008 09:47 pm
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134th Post
srossi

 

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An old Italian Mafia Don is dying and he calls for his grandson to approach the bed.
 
'Lissin' a me. I wanna for you to taka my chrome-plated 38-caliber revolver, so you will always remember me."
  
The grandson smiles weakly and replies; "But grandpa, I really donna lika guns.  Howzabout you leava me you ROLEX watch instead?"
 
Gasping for air the old man answers with a snarl in his voice; 'Shuddupan lissin'. 
 
 
After a slight pause to catch his breath he continues; 'Somma day, you gonna comma home, and maybe find you wife inna bed with another man. Whadda you gonna do.... pointa to yo u watch and say 'Times up?'

Last edited on Wed Nov 5th, 2008 09:50 pm by srossi



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 Posted: Fri Nov 14th, 2008 07:36 pm
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135th Post
beejmi
The Big Kahuna


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A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning
coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession
approaching the nearby cemetery.

A long black hearse was followed by a second long black
hearse about 50 feet behind the first one. Behind the second
hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash.

Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men
walking single file. The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He
respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said, 'I am
so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb
you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is
it?'

'My wife's.' 'What happened to her?' The man replied,
'My dog attacked and killed her.'

He inquired further, 'But who is in the second hearse?'
The man answered, 'My mother-in-law.

She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on
her.'


A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed.
between the two men.

'Can I borrow the dog?'


'Get in line.'

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