View single post by srossi
 Posted: Fri Oct 26th, 2007 07:37 pm
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srossi

 

Joined: Sun Oct 14th, 2007
Location: New York USA
Posts: 52843
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I met this cute girl at a house party and she told me she was training to be a stand-up comic.  We only talked for about 20 minutes but she seemed normal and I asked her out and thought a comedy club would be a good place to go on our date.

I took her to the Comedy Cellar to see Darrell Hammond of SNL (a fairly unknown at the time Lil Jimmy Norton was opening).  I think that's a pretty damn good first date, it's a shame I wasted it on her.

So the first red flag is when we get seated and the waitress of course tells us there's a 2 drink minimum and asks us what we want.  I order my drink and then she acts like she's never been out of the house before and this 2 drink minimum is a mystery to her.  She asks what can be used as a replacement for the drink (and 2 drink minimum really is a 2 item minimum, they don't make you drink) and tries to negotiate down to 1 item!  And I'm of course paying for everything so that made it even worse that she was being all ghetto.  But she orders her Pepsi or whatever and I know the waitress immediately hates us and is going to spit in our drinks.

Norton hits the stage and I quickly realize that she has the loudest, screechiest, most obnoxious laugh ever.  It's not a big place and everyone turns towards us everytime she laughs.  I'm so embarrassed.  Now up to this point, it's already my worst date ever.  And it didn't even get bad yet.

The next few comics perform and start interacting with the audience.  So she of course decides to participate.  She starts screaming shit out and answering every question that the comedians ask.  So it gets really bad when she asks if there's anyone there from the south.  My date was originally from Texas, then moved to Buffalo, before settling in NYC.  So she says she is and the comedian asks her where in the south.  Inexplicably, she says Buffalo instead of Texas.  So everyone laughs and the comedian starts making fun of her.  This begins the heckling portion of the night.  For the rest of the night, my date insults and heckles the comics and tries out her "material" (which was atrocious) on them.  Of course she gets destroyed and I get a few shots thrown my way too just for being with her. 

Before Darrell Hammond takes the stage, the bouncer moves behind us and drills a hole into her and I know that we're getting thrown out and I'm getting my ass kicked if she so much as looks at him funny.  So I have to tell her to shut the fuck up.  I put my jacket on and put my briefcase in my lap because I'm so done with this shit that at the first sign of trouble I'm just going to leave her there alone.  Fortunately she doesn't do anything and the night mercifully ends and I'm stuck paying a ridiculously expensive check for such a mortifying experience.  I really, really should've excused myself to go to the bathroom and left her there with the check, after what she put me through she deserved it, but I couldn't do it.

So the kicker is that I'm walking out with her, visibly fuming and completely silent, and says, "Good thing I wasn't drinking (alcohol) tonight because I tend to get loud when I'm drunk."  And she wasn't being ironic.  Then she hooks my arm like we're 80 year old lovers and asks me where I'm heading to.  I tell her home.  She asks if she can come with me.  I had already told her I didn't have to be up early the next morning when I was actually hoping to score but I was no longer concerned about her feelings so I just backtracked and told her I had a long day ahead and needed to get to sleep and then thank God my train came just as we were walking down the stairs and I literally just said "Gotta go!" and ran away from her and hopped on, leaving her on the platform. 

And she called and e-mailed about 10 times over the next month before she stopped.



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