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 Posted: Sun Jan 13th, 2019 01:57 pm
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1156th Post
Machiavelli



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https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RFCrJleggrI

Last edited on Sun Jan 13th, 2019 02:02 pm by Machiavelli

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 Posted: Wed Feb 6th, 2019 07:23 pm
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Machiavelli



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A Texas State Trooper pulled a car over on I-35 about 2 miles south of Waco Texas. When the Trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver said he was a Magician and Juggler and was on his way to Austin Texas to do a show for the Shrine Circus. He didn't want to be late.

The Trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling and said if the driver would do a little juggling for him then he wouldn't give him a ticket. He told the trooper he had sent his equipment ahead and didn't have anything to juggle.

The Trooper said he had some flares in the trunk and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler said he could, so the trooper got 5 flares, lit them and handed them to him.

While the man was juggling, a car pulled in behind the State Trooper's car. A drunken good old boy from central Texas got out, watched the performance, then went over to the Trooper's car, opened the rear door and got in. The Trooper observed him and went over to the State car, opened the door asking the drunk what he thought he was doing.

The drunk replied, “You might as well take my ass to jail, cause there ain't no way I can pass that test.”

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 Posted: Thu Feb 7th, 2019 03:20 am
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1158th Post
Heenan Fan



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B.B. King's wife was wondering what to get her husband for his birthday. "What do you get for a man who has everything", she's thinking. So Mrs. King decides to pay tribute to her legendary husband by getting a tattoo of his name to imortalize him. She has a B tatooed on each of her hiney cheecks.

When B.B. arrives home, she proudly says, "Look what I got you for your birthday, honey." She turns around, pulls down her pants, and bends over. 


B.B. says, "That's nice dear, BUT WHO THE FUCK IS BOB?!!"



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 Posted: Thu Feb 7th, 2019 07:00 pm
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1159th Post
KGB

 

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Heenan Fan wrote: B.B. King's wife was wondering what to get her husband for his birthday. "What do you get for a man who has everything", she's thinking. So Mrs. King decides to pay tribute to her legendary husband by getting a tattoo of his name to imortalize him. She has a B tatooed on each of her hiney cheecks.

When B.B. arrives home, she proudly says, "Look what I got you for your birthday, honey." She turns around, pulls down her pants, and bends over. 


B.B. says, "That's nice dear, BUT WHO THE FUCK IS BOB?!!"

I heard Super Dave tell that joke on Norm McDonald's show.



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 Posted: Mon Feb 11th, 2019 10:41 pm
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lobo316



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inspired by the Priscilla Kelly video posted by Beej



What is 6.9 ?
A great thing ruined by a period.

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 Posted: Wed Feb 27th, 2019 06:44 pm
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1161st Post
Machiavelli



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A woman is having an affair during the day while her husband is at work.

Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.

The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.

The little boy says, "It's dark in here."

The man says, "Yes, it is."

Boy: "I have a baseball."

Man: "That's nice."

Boy: "Want to buy it?"

Man: "No, thanks."

Boy: "My dad's outside."

Man: "OK, how much?"

Boy: "$250."

The man pays the boy and hopes he's seen the last of him.

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.

Boy: "It's dark in here."

Man: "Yes, it is."

Boy: "I have a baseball glove."

The lover remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"

Boy: "$750."

Man: "Fine."

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove, let's go outside and have a game of catch."

The boy says, "I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove."

The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"

Boy: "$1,000."

The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost."

"I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."

They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.

The boy says, "It's dark in here."

The priest says, "Don't start that crap again."

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 Posted: Thu Feb 28th, 2019 04:18 pm
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Machiavelli



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One day Pinocchio came to Geppetto with a problem.

“Every time I have sex with my girlfriend, she gets splinters. What can I do about this?”

“Have you tried sandpaper?” Geppetto asked.

Pinocchio hadn’t, so he went to try it.

Pinocchio saw Geppetto a few weeks later.

“How did the problem work out with your girlfriend?” Geppetto asked.

Pinocchio replied. “Who needs a girlfriend?”

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 Posted: Thu Feb 28th, 2019 04:42 pm
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chrob61



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What did the right eye say to the left eye?
Something smells between us.

Why didn't the skeleton go to the dance?
He had no body to go with him.

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 Posted: Tue May 7th, 2019 07:54 am
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Heenan Fan



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What's black and white and red all over?


A bloody brawl between Abdullah The Butcher and Bruiser Brody.



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"Comedians are just like Pro Wrestlers...all the good ones are dead!" Me, 2019

"I'm too smart to be a Democrat and too poor to be a Republican." Me, 2000
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 Posted: Tue May 7th, 2019 08:38 am
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Heenan Fan



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chrob61 wrote: What did the right eye say to the left eye?
Something smells between us.
 That reminds me of this one: What did one Nut say to the other Nut? 


Who's the Dick in the middle?



____________________
"Comedians are just like Pro Wrestlers...all the good ones are dead!" Me, 2019

"I'm too smart to be a Democrat and too poor to be a Republican." Me, 2000
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 Posted: Wed May 8th, 2019 06:54 am
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Heenan Fan



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What's the difference between Osama bin Laden and Jeff Jarrett?



Osama was smart enough to make two successful impacts. Jarrett wasn't smart enough to make one.



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"Comedians are just like Pro Wrestlers...all the good ones are dead!" Me, 2019

"I'm too smart to be a Democrat and too poor to be a Republican." Me, 2000
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 Posted: Wed May 15th, 2019 02:20 am
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1167th Post
Heenan Fan



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KGB wrote: Heenan Fan wrote: B.B. King's wife was wondering what to get her husband for his birthday. "What do you get for a man who has everything", she's thinking. So Mrs. King decides to pay tribute to her legendary husband by getting a tattoo of his name to imortalize him. She has a B tatooed on each of her hiney cheecks.

When B.B. arrives home, she proudly says, "Look what I got you for your birthday, honey." She turns around, pulls down her pants, and bends over. 


B.B. says, "That's nice dear, BUT WHO THE FUCK IS BOB?!!"

I heard Super Dave tell that joke on Norm McDonald's show.
Yep, me too.



____________________
"Comedians are just like Pro Wrestlers...all the good ones are dead!" Me, 2019

"I'm too smart to be a Democrat and too poor to be a Republican." Me, 2000
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 Posted: Sat Nov 2nd, 2019 12:29 am
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Heenan Fan



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From Lights Out w/ David Spade:

Delta Airlines is taking heat for censoring a lesbian sex scene from the movie 'Booksmart'.

In their defense, the FAA won't allow scissors on an airplane.



Last edited on Sat Nov 2nd, 2019 03:23 am by Heenan Fan



____________________
"Comedians are just like Pro Wrestlers...all the good ones are dead!" Me, 2019

"I'm too smart to be a Democrat and too poor to be a Republican." Me, 2000
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 Posted: Mon Nov 11th, 2019 01:53 am
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Heenan Fan



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Why did the pervert cross the road?



His dick was stuck in the chicken






Last edited on Tue Nov 19th, 2019 03:24 am by Heenan Fan



____________________
"Comedians are just like Pro Wrestlers...all the good ones are dead!" Me, 2019

"I'm too smart to be a Democrat and too poor to be a Republican." Me, 2000
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