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srossi

 

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These are always fun.

 

Larry and Bob wanted to go out drinking, but they only had $2.00 between
them.

Larry said, "Hang on, I have an idea." He went next door to the
butcher's shop and spent the $2.00 on one sausage.

Bob said, "Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money left at all!"

Larry replied, "Don't worry - just follow me." They went into the
pub where Larry immediately ordered two double shots of Jack Daniels.

Bob said, "Now you've lost it! Do you know how much trouble we will be in?
We haven't got any money to pay for this!"

Larry replied, with a smile," Don't worry - I have a plan. Cheers!"

They downed their drinks and Larry said "OK! I'll stick the sausage through
my zipper and you get on your knees and put it in your mouth."

Said and done. The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.

They continued this, bar after bar, getting more and more drunk, all for
free.

At the tenth bar, Bob said, "Larry - I don't think I can do this anymore. My
mouth is sore and my knees are killing me!"

Larry said, "How do you think I feel? I lost the sausage at the third bar!"

lobo316



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WO-HOO. Most people are here for the porn. I'm here for
the bad jokes.

A camel and an elephant meet.
The elephant asked the camel:
"Why do you have tits on your back?"
The camel, clearly irritated, replies:
"What a silly question from someone who has a dick on his face."



 

 

gwlee7



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If there are two flies in the kitchen, how do you know which one is the cowboy?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

He's the one on the range.

beejmi
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A cop pulls over a blonde because her car is weaving all over the road. When he bends down he can smell booze on her breath.

"I'm going to give you a Breathalyzer test to see if you're under the influence of alcohol", he says.

She blows up the balloon, then he walks it back to the police car to run the test.

He comes back to her car and says, "It looks like you've had a couple of stiff ones."

She says "You mean that shows up as well?"

lobo316



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This sizes it up!


I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:

I do physical labour.
I work at great depths.
I plunge head first into everything I do.
I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
I work in a damp environment.
I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
I work in high temperatures.
My work exposes me to contagious diseases
__________________________________________________ ___________


Dear Penis

After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:

You do not work 8 hours straight.
You fall asleep after brief work periods.
You do not always follow the orders of the management team.
You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations.
You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.
You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing.
You will retire well before you are 65.
You are unable to work double shifts.
You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed the assigned task.
And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the work place carrying two suspicious-looking bags.

Sincerely
The Management

beejmi
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Rick was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary.

His wife was really angry. She told him, 'tomorrow morning I expect to
find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 180 in less than 6 seconds ....AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!'

The next morning Rick got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Puzzled, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, and brought the box back in the house.

She opened it and found....a brand new bathroom scale.

Rick has been missing since Monday.

khawk
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lobo316 wrote:
And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the work place carrying two suspicious-looking bags.




 

 

beejmi
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Little Johnny's dad was a retired gambler. Having picked up a few of his old man's bad habits, Johnny wagered on anything and everything, and he was good at it. Eventually, it became such a problem, that Johnny's teacher called his father to discuss it. After a long conversation, they decided to teach him a lesson.

One day after class Johnny approached his teacher. "You're not really blonde," he said. "I've seen your bush and it's pitch black, you dye your hair."

"I most certainly do not," she replied.

"I bet you ten bucks you do," he said.

She saw that this was an opportunity to teach him a lesson, so she waited for all the other children to leave the class and took off her pants, showing him that her pubic hair was the same color as the hair on her head. Johnny paid her the ten dollars and walked sullenly out of the room. 

A few hours later Johnny's teacher called his father. "I think I finally taught him a lesson," she said.

"The hell you have," his father said angrily. "This morning he bet me $50 he'd see your vagina before the end of the day."

lobo316



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The pope had become very ill and was taken
to many doctors, all of whom could not
figure out how to cure him. Finally he was
brought to an old physician, who stated that
he could figure it out.

After about an hour's examination he came
out and told the cardinals that he knew what
was wrong. He said that the bad news was that
it was a rare disorder of the testicles. He
said that the goods news was that all the
pope had to do to be cured was to have sex.
Well, this was not good news to the cardinals,
who argued about it at length. Finally they
went to the pope with the doctor and explained
the situation. After some thought,the pope
stated, "I agree but under four conditions."

The cardinals were amazed and there arose
quite an uproar. Over all of the noise there
arose a single voice that asked, "And what
are the four conditions?"

The room stilled. There was a long pause. The
pope replied, "First the girl must be blind,
so that she cannot see with whom she is having
sex.

"Second, she must be deaf, so that she cannot
hear with whom she is having sex.

"And third she must be dumb so that if somehow
she figures out with who she is having sex, she
can tell no one."

After another long pause a voice arose and asked,
"And the fourth condition?" The pope smiled and
replied, "Big tits."
__________________

amerorig



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A guy comes home from work to find his wife furiously packing her bags. 

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING?"

"I'm LEAVING YOU , FUCKER!! I FOUND OUT THAT A WOMAN CAN MAKE $500.00 AN HOUR FOR SEX IN LAS VEGAS!"

"HOLY SHIT!!", He says and starts furiously packing his bags.

"WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU GOING?", She asks him

"ME? I'M GOING WITH YOU, I WANNA SEE HOW YOU ARE GOING TO LIVE ON $1000.00 A YEAR!!"


beejmi
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Jim and his wife are having hard financial times, so they decide that she'll become a hooker.

She's not quite sure what to do, so Jim says, "Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy. Tell him that you charge a hundred bucks. If you got a question, I'll be parked around the corner."

She's standing there for 5 minutes when a guy pulls up and asks, "How much?" She says, "A hundred dollars."He says, "All I got is thirty". She says, "Hold on," and runs back to Jim and asks, "What can he get for thirty?""A hand job", Jim replies.

She runs back and tells the guy all he gets for thirty dollar is a hand job. He agrees. She gets in the car. He unzips his pants, and out pops this HUGE ......She stares at it for a minute, and then says, "I'll be right back." She runs back to Jim, and asks, "Can you loan this guy seventy bucks?"

lobo316



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A woman was in a coma. Nurses were in her room giving her a sponge bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a response on the monitor when she touched her. They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, "Crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma."

The husband was sceptical, but they assured him that they'd close the curtains for privacy. The hubby finally agreed and went into his wife's room. After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate. The nurses ran into the room.

The husband was standing there, pulling up his pants, and said, "I think she choked."

beejmi
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First ever "blonde guy" joke I have ever heard

 

An Irishman , a  Mexican and a Blonde Guy  were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building. 

They were eating lunch and the Irishman said,  "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building." 

The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed,  "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too." 

The blonde opened his lunch and said,  " Bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too." 

The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death. 

The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too.

The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.  

At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping.She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!"

The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."


Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. The blonde's wife said,  

"Don't look at me. He makes his own lunch."


 


lobo316



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This is the worse joke I've ever posted.

 

A priest in a small rural town was very fond of his 10 chickens
and 1 handsome cock he kept in a hen house behind the rectory. One Saturday night the priest discovered that the rooster was missing. At the same time the Priest heard rumours of cockfights being held in town. Shocked and dismayed, he decided to say something during Mass.

During Mass he asked the congregation, "Who among you will
confess to sporting a handsome cock?" All the men stood up.

"No, no," he said. "That's not what I mean. Who among you will
confess to having seen a handsome cock?" All the women stood up.

"Oh, no," he said. "That's not what I mean either. Who among you
will confess to having seen a cock that doesn't belong to you?" Half
the women stood up.

"Oh Lord," he said. "Perhaps I should rephrase the question:
"Has anybody seen my cock?"
All the choir boys stood up.

srossi

 

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Guaranteed that joke winds up on Raw next week.

Heretic



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Shakespeare made cock jokes.

By Gis and by Saint Charity,
Alack, and fie for shame!
Young me will do't, if they come to't;
By Cock, they are to blame.

Hamlet, Act IV, Scene 5.

beejmi
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The parish  priest went on a fishing trip.

On the last  day of his trip he hooked a monster fish and proceeded to reel
it  in.


The guide,  holding a net, yelled, "Look at the size of that Son of a  Bitch!"

"Son, I'm a  priest. Your language is uncalled for!"

"No,  Father, that's what kind of fish it is - a Son of a Bitch  fish!"


"Really?  Well then, help me land this Son of a Bitch!"

Once in the  boat, they marveled at the size of the monster.

"Father,  that's the biggest Son of a Bitch I've ever seen"

"I agree,  it's a big Son of a Bitch. What should I do with it?"

"Why, eat  it! Of course. You've never tasted anything as good as a Son of a
Bitch!"


Elated, the  priest headed home to the rectory.

While  unloading his gear and his prize catch, Sister Mary inquired about his
 trip.


"Take a  look at this big Son of a Bitch I caught!"


Sister Mary  gasped and clutched her rosary, "Father!"


"It's OK,  Sister. That's what kind of fish it is, a Son of a Bitch  fish!"


"Oh, well  then, what are you going to do with that big Son of a Bitch?"


Sister Mary  informed the priest that the new Bishop was scheduled to visit
in a few days and  that they should fix the Son of a Bitch for his dinner.


"I'll even  clean the Son of a Bitch", she said.



As she was  cleaning the huge fish, the Friar walked in.


"What are  you doing Sister?"


"Father  wants me to clean this big Son of a Bitch for the new Bishop's
Dinner"


Sister!  I'll clean it if you're so upset! Please watch your  language!"


No, no,  no, it's called a Son of a Bitch Fish."


"Really?  Well, in that case, I'll fix up a great meal to go with it, and that Son of a  Bitch can be the main course!


Let me know when you've finished cleaning that Son of a Bitch."


On the  night of the new Bishop's visit, everything was perfect. The Friar
had prepared  an excellent meal.


The wine  was fine, and the fish was excellent.


The new  Bishop said, "This is great fish, where did you get it?"


"I caught  that Son of a Bitch!" proclaimed the proud priest.


"And I  cleaned the Son of a Bitch!" exclaimed the Sister.


The Friar  added, "And I prepared the Son of a Bitch, using a special  recipe!


The new  Bishop looked around at each of them.


You  fuckers are my kind of people!"

beejmi
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Only runs a minute but pretty entertaining

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aYchhHHObVM

lobo316



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Two neighboring farmers cannot stop feuding.

One, out hunting, shoots a duck which falls inside the other's field.

Climbing over the fence, he is stopped by farmer Beejmi who claims the duck as his since it ended up in his field.

After much arguing farmer Jeff states that he is prepared to settle the matter by the Viking method.

He explains that the method involves kicking each other in the nuts until one gives up, and the other is the winner.

Farmer Beejmi agrees reluctantly.

Farmer Beejmi states that since they are on his land, he goes first. Farmer Jeff stands with legs apart and hands on hips while farmer Beejmi takes an almighty swing with his foot and sends farmer Jeff into the air.

After ten minutes writhing on the ground farmer Jeff eventually gets to his feet and prepares to take his turn.

Farmer Beejmi turns and walks away saying " O.K. I give in! You keep the duck!"

amerorig



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lobo316 wrote: Two neighboring farmers cannot stop feuding.

One, out hunting, shoots a duck which falls inside the other's field.

Climbing over the fence, he is stopped by farmer Beejmi who claims the duck as his since it ended up in his field.

After much arguing farmer Jeff states that he is prepared to settle the matter by the Viking method.

He explains that the method involves kicking each other in the nuts until one gives up, and the other is the winner.

Farmer Beejmi agrees reluctantly.

Farmer Beejmi states that since they are on his land, he goes first. Farmer Jeff stands with legs apart and hands on hips while farmer Beejmi takes an almighty swing with his foot and sends farmer Jeff into the air.

After ten minutes writhing on the ground farmer Jeff eventually gets to his feet and prepares to take his turn.

Farmer Beejmi turns and walks away saying " O.K. I give in! You keep the duck!"

I've told that joke a million times.  You probably stole it from the same place I did.

http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=s3VPeM4v5dU&feature=related

About 5:24 in

beejmi
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Little Lobo is out playing with his dog Spot in the field and Farmer Matt (get it -- Matt Farmer?) comes out and says "Go away little boy".

This goes on a few more times and Farmer Matt comes out with a shotgun and shoots Spot right in the asshole.

Little Lobo goes back home and says "Mommy mommy, Farmer Matt shot Spot right in the asshole".

"Rectum Lobo, rectum" (says Mom)

"Rectum? Fucking killed him!"

CanadianHorseman



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Three men go golfing with their wives.
 
The Swede's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear.

'Good God, woman!
Why aren't you wearing any skivees?', Ole demanded.

'Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any.'

The Swede immediately reaches into his pocket and says, 'For the sake of decency, here's a 50.  Go and buy yourself some underwear.'

Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee.
Her skirt also blows up to show that she, too, is wearing no undies.

'Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You've no knickers. Why not?'

She replies, 'I can't afford any on the money you give me.'

Patrick reaches into his pocket and says, 'For the sake of decency, here's a 20.
Go and buy yourself some underwear!'

Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over.
The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it.

'Sweet mudder of Jaysus, Aggie! Where the frig are yer drawers?'

She too explains, 'You dinna give me enough money ta be able ta affarrd any.'

The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says, 'Well, Kathy fer the love 'o decency, here's a comb.....Tidy yerself up a bit.'
 

bpickering
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The elderly Italian man went to his parish priest, and asked if the priest would hear his confession.

"Of course, my son", said the priest.

"Well, Father, at the beginning of World War Two, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans. I hid her in my attic, and they never found her."

"That's a wonderful thing, my son, and nothing that you need to confess", said the priest.

"It's worse, Father. I was weak, and told her that she had to pay for rent of the attic with her sexual favors", continued the old man.

"Well, it was a very difficult time, and you took a large risk you would have suffered terribly at their hands if the Germans had found you hiding her. I know that God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil, and judge you kindly," said the priest.

"Thanks, Father", said the old man. "That's a load off of my mind. Can I ask another question?"

"Of course, my son", said the priest.

The old man asked "Do I need to tell her that the war is over?"

beejmi
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Tony, having his second son christened, was much
concerned about getting the correct name on the
birth certificate.

"Will you please name the baby just as I give it to you?"

"Certainly," answered the minister, "why shouldn't I?"

"Well you see, it's like this," replied Tony. "When I told
you I wanted to name my first boy Tom, you wrote on
his birth certificate 'Thomas.'

This boy I want to name Jack."

bpickering
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This woman was having an affair during the day while her husband was at work. One day she was in bed with her boyfriend, she heard her husband's car pull in the driveway. She yelled at the boyfriend, "Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My husband is home early!"

The boyfriend looked out the window and said, "I can't jump out the window! It's raining like hell out there!" She said, "If my husband catches us in here, he will kill both of us!" So the boyfriend grabs his clothes and jumps out the window!

When he landed outside he was in the middle of a "running Marathon" so he started running along beside the others only he was still in the nude, carrying his clothes on his arm.

One of the runners asked him, "Do you always run in the nude?" He answered, while gasping for air, "Oh yes, It feels so free having the air blow over your skin while you are running."

The other runner then asked the nude man, "Do you always run carrying your clothes on your arm?" The nude man answered breathlessly, "Oh yes, that way I can get dressed at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!"

The runner then asked, "Do you always wear a condom when you run?"

The guy answered, "Only if it's raining."

lobo316



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Little old lady in an old folks home, wearing only a
housecoat, walks down the hall & lifts the housecoat
to an elderly gent & yells:"SUPER SEX". He ignores
her so she continues on & meets another geezer.
Again she lifts up the housecoat & yells:"SUPER SEX".
He too ignores her & walks on by.
Finally, she sees a guy in a wheel chair & lifts up her
housecoat & yells "SUPER SEX".
He replied:"I'll have the soup".

bpickering
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Imagine, if you will, a Scandinavian accent...

Sven, having been out of work for many months, found an incredible career opportunity at . . . a pickle factory. His wife, Greta, was overjoyed, and wished him well on his first day of work. That first evening, when Sven came home, Greta hounded him with questions.

"Well, Greta, I really like my job, but today I sorta got this *urge*," replied Sven.

"Urge? What kind or *urge*?"

"Well, I sorta had this *urge* to put my *unit* in the pickle slicer."

"Oh, no! Sven! Please do not put your unit in the pickle slicer!"

The next day...

"And how was your job today, Sven?"

"Well, you know that *urge* I was having yesterday?"

"Oh, no, Sven!"

"Ja, that *urge* to put my unit in the pickle slicer?"

"Sven, do *not* put your unit in the pickle slicer!"

"I know, Greta, I know. I'll try."

Well, the next day, Sven went to his job, but came home two hours early.

Greta: "Sven, why are you home so early from your job?"

"Well, I had that *urge* again, you know, that *urge* to put my unit in the pickle slicer?"

"Oh, no, Sven!"

"Well, I could not resist . . . so I put my unit in the pickle slicer!"

"Sven! No! What happened?"

"Well, they . . . fired me."

"Oh, no, Sven!"

"And the pickle slicer . . . they fired her, too."


 

bpickering
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It was George the Mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.

When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who roundly and soundly congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope.

At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars.

The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the arm and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced. When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice.

When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?"

"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you. He said, "Fuck him. Give him a dollar." The breakfast was my idea.

beejmi
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Okay that last one was pretty good. Don't let it happen again.

lobo316



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A young Chinese couple gets married. She's a virgin. Truth be told, he is a virgin too, but she doesn't know that.

On their wedding night, she lies naked under the sheets as her husband undresses in the darkness.

He climbs into bed next to her and tries to be reassuring.
'My darring,' he whispers, 'I know dis you firss time and you berry frighten. I pomise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting - juss anyting you want. You juss ask.'

'Whatchu want?' he says, trying to sound experienced and worldly, which he hopes will impress her.

A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her request. She eventually shyly whispers back, 'I want to try something I have heard about from other girls... Numbaa 69.'

More thoughtful silence, this time from him. Eventually, in a puzzled tone he asks her...

'You want... Garlic Chicken with corrifrowa ?'

beejmi
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A man was in a long line at Walmart. As he got to the register he realized he had forgotten to get condoms, so he asked the checkout girl if she could have some brought up to the register.

She asked, 'What size condoms?'

The customer replied that he didn't know. She asked him to drop his pants. He did.

She reached over the counter, grabbed hold of him and called over the intercom, 'One box of large condoms, Register 5.'

The next man in line thought this was interesting, and like most of us, was up for a cheap thrill.

When he got up to the register, he told the checker that he too had forgotten to get condoms, and asked if she could have some brought to the register for him.

She asked him what size, and he stated that he didn't know. She asked him to drop his pants. He did.

She gave him a quick feel, picked up the intercom and said, 'One box of medium-sized condoms, Register 5.'

A few customers back was this teenage boy. He thought what he had seen was way too cool. He had never had any type of sexual contact with a live female, so he thought this was his chance.

When he got to the register he told the checker he needed some condoms.

She asked him what size and he said he didn't know.? She asked him to drop his pants and he did. She reached over the counter, gave him a quick squeeze, then picked up the intercom and said...

 
 
 

"Cleanup, Register 5

bpickering
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A blonde, a brunette and a redhead enter an elevator. As they walk in they notice a small puddle of white liquid on the floor of the elevator.

The brunette bends down for a closer look, and states, very matter of factly, "...It looks like semen".

The redhead stoops down a little closer, takes a deep breath through her nose, and proclaims, "Yes, and it smells like semen".

The blonde stoops down yet closer, puts the tip of her finger into the puddle, touches it to her tongue and exclaims "Well, its nobody from our building!".

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A man walks into a hamburger joint and orders a regular meal.
While he is waiting for his meal, he orders a donut as an
appetizer.

Later, the waitress brings his meal to him. He takes a bite
out of it, and notices there's a small hair in the
hamburger. He begins yelling frantically at the waitress,
"Waitress, there's a hair in my hamburger! I demand to see
what is going on!"

So, the waitress takes him back where the cook is and to his
dismay, he sees the cook take the meat patty and flatten it
under his arm pit. He says, "That's disgusting!"

Then the waitress says, "You think that's disgusting you
should see him make donuts."

bpickering
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One day, little Johnny goes with his Mom and Dad to the zoo. Dad went to get some soda so Johnny asks his Mom, "What's that thing on the elephant?"

Johnny's mom says, "That's his trunk."

"No, in the back," says Johnny.

"That's his tail," mom replies.

"No, right there," says Johnny pointing at the animals penis.

"Oh, that's nothing," says Mom.

A little later he asks his Dad," What's that on the elephant?"

"That's his trunk," Dad replies.

"No, in the back."

"Oh, that's his tail," says Dad.

"No, right there," says Johnny.

"Oh, that's the elephant's penis," replies his Dad.

Johnny exclaims, "Well, Mom said that was nothing."

Johnny's Dad puts his arm around his son's shoulder and says, "Ya' know, son, I have that woman spoiled."

bpickering
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A guy found himself unable to satisfy his wife. He tried hundreds of methods but just wasn't able to do the job. He finally went to his best friend and asked for advice. His friend told him not to worry because he knew a method that was a 100 percent successful.

He says, "Hire a big strong black man to stands near your bed and waving a huge towel over both of you while you are having sex. This way your wife will be stimulated an have an orgasm."

The guy hired the strong man, but all efforts were in vain. He went back to his friend and told him what happened. So his friend suggested that they switch places.

"Why don't you wave the towel while the strong man does the job in bed," says the friend.

He agreed and said that he would do anything to satisfy his wife. He hires the same guy again and this time they trade positions. Naturally, the woman has a divine orgasm.

The husband leans over to the black guy and says, "You see! That's how you wave the towel."

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A tractor trailer driver lost control of his rig, plowed into an empty tollbooth on the Garden State Parkway and smashed it into hundreds of pieces.

While filling out the police and insurance reports for the damage he had caused, he noticed a crew of workers picking up each broken piece of the wrecked tollbooth and spreading some kind of creamy substance on it. Then they began fitting the pieces together.

In less than twenty minutes, they had the entire tollbooth reconstructed and looking good as new.

Amazed at what he had witnessed, he asked the police officer, "What was that white stuff those men used to assemble all those pieces together?"

The police officer smiled and said, "Oh, that was tollgate booth paste."

bpickering
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A young man walks into a bar and shouts, "Line up ten shots of whisky!"

The barman happily starts pouring the drinks and asks, "What's the occasion?"

The young man replies, "First blowjob!"

"Well, that is an occasion." the barman says, "Tell you what, number eleven is on me".

"No thanks," says the young man, "If the first ten don't get rid of the aftertaste, I don't think the eleventh will do much good."

lobo316



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A young man was in his final year at high school and he still had to share a room with his nine year old brother.
One day, he brings his girlfriend home for a little fun, but they have bunkbeds. His little brother was fast asleep in the bottom bunk, so they go up to the top bunk, and things start heating up.

So they don't wake him up, he tells her to say "Lettuce" if she wants it harder and "Tomato" if she wants a different position.

LETTUCE

TOMATO

LETTUCE

LETTUCE

LETTUCE

TOMATO!!

Two minutes later his little brother wakes up and says
"Will you guys stop making sandwiches up there? You just got mayonase all in my face!"

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20 years of bartending has given me oppurtunity to hear about a thousand " man walks into a bar " jokes so here are a couple of my favourites:

- a man walks into a bar and orders 10 shots of Jack Daniels. As soon as the bartender finishes pouring the shots the man downs them all quickly. Give me 10 more he says to the bartender. As the bartender finishes up pouring the shots he says to the guy: hey buddy - you better slow down a bit. The man says: screw that - you'd drink them quick too if you had what I have. He then proceeds to down the 10 shots of JD. The bartender gives him a sympathetic look and says: Gee bud - what do you have ???? The man replies: about 5 bucks.

 

- a man walks into a bar...............................and the dumb bastard nearly breaks his nose.

 

- a bartender is wiping down his bar one night. Suddenly he looks up and standing right in front of his bar he sees a farmer's daughter, a pair of siamese twins, a talking dog, a virgin, a priest and the President of the United States. He looks at them and asks: what is this - a joke ???? 

 

WARNING: If you are Jewish it might be best to skip over this one

Hitler and a friend walk into a bar and Hitler waves the bartender over. He says: give me 2 shots of your best cognac. Hell - pour yourself one too. So the bartender pours out 3 glasses and they all down the cognac. Hitler immediately orders another round of drinks. The bartender says to Hitler: I don't want to seem nosy but it looks like you're celebrating something tonight. Hitler smiles and says: you're right. Tomorrow I'm going to kill 10,000 Jews and 5 musicians. The bartender looks puzzled and says: 5 musicians ??? Why the hell are you going to kill 5 musicians ???  Hitler then turns to his friend and says: see - nobody cares about the Jews.

lobo316



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Home \ Jokes \ Hercules, Snow White & Quasimodo


Hercules, Snow White & Quasimodo were all having lunch together.

Hercules said, "I have always thought that I'm the strongest man in the world, but how can i be sure?"

Snow White agreed, "I'm told I'm the fairest of them all, but sometimes I wonder."

Quasimodo said, "I'm pretty sure I'm the ugliest human alive but I've never had it confirmed."

They all decided that the best way to find out if their beliefs were true was to pray about it that night & ask God to confirm for them whether Hercules was the strongest, Snow White was the fairest & Quasimodo was the ugliest. They agreed to meet again the next day for lunch to discuss their findings.

The next day Hercules walked up with a smile.
"Well, it's true. God told me that I am the strongest man in the world."

Snow White perked up & said, "And I now know for sure that I'm the fairest, for God confirmed it."

But Quasimodo lifted his sad face & said. "Who is Janet Reno ?"

bpickering
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Three guys are driving down the road and they get pulled over by the police.

The cops walks up to them and tells them that they were speeding but he said he would let them go if they had 21 inches of dick between all three of them.

So the first guy pulls down his pants and his dick is 10 inches long, the second guy pulls his pants down and his dick is 10 inches long, the third pulls his dick out and it's 1 inch long. So the cop lets them go.

As they' driving down the road again the first guy says to the others, "you guys are lucky I had 10 inches of dick"

The second guy says to the other two "you're lucky I had 10 inches of dick too."

The third guy says to the other two "you guys are lucky I had a hard on".

lobo316



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An airplane develops some serious problems and is definitely going to crash into the sea.

As it becomes evident to all on board, a woman at the back of the plane rushes forward, stands before all of the passengers and yells, "I have not even yet been able to live and become a woman." She then removes all of her clothes and asks, "Is there a man here who can make me feel like a woman before I die?"

A few rows back, a man stands up and removes his shirt, and says, "Sure. Can you iron this?"

bpickering
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A woman asks her husband if she can golf with him. He says that he doesn't have the time to struggle around the course with her. But he does arrange for her to take some lessons, and agrees that they will golf together after she takes those lessons.

So the wife goes for her first private lesson with the club pro. It's a horrendous time. She can't hit the ball at all. She duffs one, misses another altogther. She slices and she hooks. The pro is at the end of his patience. Frustrated he tries one last very unorthodox instruction. He says, "Hold the club like you would your husband's penis. And then take the swing."

So she does. And she swings. And she hits it 250 yards straight down the middle of the fairway. "Absolutely perfect," says the instructor, astonished. "Now this time try taking the club out of your mouth."

bpickering
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This guy walks into a sperm bank with a mask covering his face, and walks up the lady, shows her a gun and tells her to go open the vault.

She says, "but sir, this is not a real bank, it's a sperm bank."

He demands she opens the vault, and she does. He then demands that she drinks 2 vials of sperm.

She says, "there aint no way i'm drinking that."

So he shows her the gun again.

She decides to drink the sperm, and right after she does the man takes off his mask and it's her husband and he says "see, I told you it wouldn't kill ya."....

lobo316



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One day a twelve-year-old walks into a house of ill repute dragging a dead frog on a string behind him. He slaps a hundred dollar bill on the counter and says, "I want one of your women." The madam looks at him and says "Don't you think you're a bit young for that?" He slaps another hundred on the counter and says "I want one of your women."

The madam says "Okay, have a seat, she'll be down in about thirty minutes." He slaps another hundred on the counter and says "She has to have active herpes." The madam starts to sputter and ask why, but he slaps another hundred on the counter and says "active herpes." She responds, "Okay, have a seat - it'll be about five minutes."

Two minutes later, a woman comes out, they go upstairs (dragging this dead frog) and do their deal...

As he's leaving, the madam asks him "Okay, why did you want someone with active herpes?" The twelve year old replies..."When I get home, I'm going to sleep with the baby-sitter, and when mom and dad get home, dad will take the baby-sitter to her home and sleep with her on the way. Then, when he gets back, he and mom are going to go upstairs and do it. And tomorrow morning, after dad goes to work, the milkman will come in and mom will sleep with him, and he's the bastard that ran over my frog."

bpickering
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One day,this guy, who has been stranded on a desert island all alone for ten years, sees an unusual speck on the horizon.

"It's certainly not a ship," he thinks to himself.

And as the speck gets closer and closer, he begins to rule out the possibility of a boat, then even a raft.

Suddenly, emerging from the surf comes this drop-dead gorgeous blonde woman wearing a wet suit and scuba gear.

She approaches the stunned guy and ask, "How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"

"Ten years!" he says.

She reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes. He takes one, light it, takes along drag, and says,"Man, oh man!" "Is that ever good!"

She then asks him, "How long has it been since you've had a sip of bourbon?"

Trembling, he replies, "Ten years!"

She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on her right sleeve, pulls out a flask, and gives it to him.

He opens the flask, takes a long swig, and says, "Wow, that's absolutely fantastic!"

Then she starts slowly unzipping the long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit, looks at him seductively, and asks, "And how long has it been since you've played around?"

The guy, with tears in his eyes, replies, "Oh my God! Don't tell Me you've got golf clubs in there!"

lobo316



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A Marine Corps Gunnery Sergeant walks into a whore house, approaches the madam and says, "Ma'am, my name is Gunnery Sergeant Dick and I'm here for a woman!"

The madam immediately escorts the Sergeant upstairs and selects the best call girl they have for him.

Gunnery Dick immediately disrobes and is standing with his hands on his hips while he looks at the prostitute awaiting him on the bed. He then says," My name is Gunnery Sergeant Dick, been in the God-lovin' Corps for thirty years, and I'm a master of my mind and body. DICK, ATTEN-SHUN!" Immediately, his penis becomes fully erect. The prostitute is in awe and asks him how he can do that.

Gunnery Dick replies, "Like I said, I've been in the United States Marine Corps thirty years, and I'm a master of my mind and body. DICK, AT EASE!" His penis immediately becomes flaccid. The prostitute still can't get over the control he has, and asks him for another demonstration.

Gunnery Dick says, "DICK, ATTEN-SHUN!" He sports a raging hard-on once again, and then follows this display of prowess with the command of "DICK, AT EASE." His penis goes limp once more. The prostitute still can't believe her eyes and asks for the demonstration yet again.

Gunnery Dick shouts, "DICK, ATTEN-SHUN!" His penis becomes immediately erect on command again. And then gives the following standard command, "DICK, AT EASE."

Gunnery Dick looks down, and to his amazement, his penis is still hard. He then says, "Apparently you didn't hear me, soldier! DICK, AT EASE!" Still, his penis is still fully erect. The Gunnery is now fuming and says, "I'm going to tell you one more time, Mister! DICK, AT EASE!" Nonetheless, his penis is still rock hard.

Gunnery yells, "Shit!", moves to the side of the bed and starts to masturbate vigorously. The prostitute, puzzled, asks "What the hell is going on?"

Gunnery Dick replies, "This soldier disobeyed a direct order and I'm giving him a dishonorable discharge!!!"

bpickering
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In a busy city at a crowded bus stop, a beautiful young woman was waiting for the bus. She was decked out in a tight leather mini-skirt with matching tight leather boots and jacket. As the bus rolled up and it was her turn to get on the bus, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the buses first step.

So, slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.

Again she tried to make the step onto the bus, only to discover she still could not make the step. A little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little more. And for a second time she attempted the step and once again,much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg because of the tight skirt.

With a coy little smile to the driver, she again unzipped the offending skirt to give a little more slack and again was unable to make the step.

About this time the big Texan who was behind her in the line picked her up easily from the waist and placed her lightly on the step of the bus.

Well, she went ballistic and turned on the would-be hero,screeching at him, "How dare you touch my body!! I don't even know who you are!!"

At this the Texan drawled, " Well ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we was friends."

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A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

The ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in evident agony.

The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me," she told him earnestly.

"Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be alright. I'll be fine in a few minutes," he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch.

But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants, and she put her hands inside. She began to massage him. She then asked him "How does that feel?"

He replied "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell."

bpickering
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A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.

However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!

One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you."

"My darling," he replied, "I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.

lobo316



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What's wrong with me, doc?" asks the patient. "My balls have turned blue!"
The doctor examines him and says his testicles have to be removed, or else he'll die.
"I can't let you do that!" the patient cries.
"Do you want to die?" the doctor asks. So the patient glumly consents to have his balls removed.
Two weeks later the patient returns. "Doc, now my penis has turned blue!"
The doctor examines him and reaches the same conclusion: his penis must go.
The man begins to cry. "How will I pee?"
"Simple. We'll install a plastic pipe and that will do the trick," says the doctor. "You don't want to die, do you?"
Again, the man sadly consents to the procedure.
Two weeks later, the man returns again. "Doc! The pipe turned blue! What the hell is happening to me?"
"Well, I'm not really sure," admits the doctor. "Wait... do you wear jeans?"

srossi

 

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[size=The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson, died and went to heaven.]
[size= ]
[size=At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur. "Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want to in heaven."]
[size= ]
[size=Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to hang out with God."]
[size= ]
[size=St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God.]
[size= ]
[size=God recognized Arthur and commented, "Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley-Davidson motorcycle?"]
[size= ]
[size=Arthur said, "Yeah, that's me...."]
[size= ]
[size=God commented: "Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, it makes noise and pollution and can't run without a road?"]
[size= ]
[size=Arthur was apparently embarrassed, but finally spoke, "Excuse me, but aren't you the inventor of woman?"]
[size= ]
[size=God said, "Ah, yes."]
[size= ]
[size="Well," said Arthur, "professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention:"]
[size= ]
[size= ]
  1. [size=There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion]
[size= ]
[size=2. It chatters constantly at high speeds]
[size= ]
[size=3. Most rear ends are too soft and wobble too much]
[size= ]
[size=4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust]
[size= ]
[size=5. The maintenance costs are outrageous!!!!]
[size= ]
[size= ]
[size="Hmmmmm, you may have some good points there," replied God, "hold on."]
[size= ]
[size=God went to his Celestial supercomputer, typed in a few words and waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.]
[size= ]
[size="Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God said to Arthur, "but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours."]

bpickering
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A man walks into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally the doctor ask him what happened.

"Well, it was like this," said the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows. We went to look for it and while I was rooting around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail and sure enough, there was my wife's golf ball -- stuck right in the middle of the cow's ass. That's when I made my mistake."

"What did you do?" ask the doctor.

"Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to the missus, "This one here looks like yours!"

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A guy walks into a restaurant and notices a miniature man playing a miniature piano. Fascinated, he asks the restaurant's manager, "How did you find this tiny guy to play the piano?"
The manager replies, "I found a lamp with a genie in it, and he granted me one wish."
"And so you wished for a 10-inch pianist?" the guy asks.
"Well, not exactly."

BigJ



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lobo316 wrote: One day a twelve-year-old walks into a house of ill repute dragging a dead frog on a string behind him. He slaps a hundred dollar bill on the counter and says, "I want one of your women." The madam looks at him and says "Don't you think you're a bit young for that?" He slaps another hundred on the counter and says "I want one of your women."

The madam says "Okay, have a seat, she'll be down in about thirty minutes." He slaps another hundred on the counter and says "She has to have active herpes." The madam starts to sputter and ask why, but he slaps another hundred on the counter and says "active herpes." She responds, "Okay, have a seat - it'll be about five minutes."

Two minutes later, a woman comes out, they go upstairs (dragging this dead frog) and do their deal...

As he's leaving, the madam asks him "Okay, why did you want someone with active herpes?" The twelve year old replies..."When I get home, I'm going to sleep with the baby-sitter, and when mom and dad get home, dad will take the baby-sitter to her home and sleep with her on the way. Then, when he gets back, he and mom are going to go upstairs and do it. And tomorrow morning, after dad goes to work, the milkman will come in and mom will sleep with him, and he's the bastard that ran over my frog."

LMFAO

bpickering
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A guy stops by to visit his friend who is paralyzed from the waist down. They talk for a while and then the friend asks, "My feet are cold. Would you be so kind as to go get me my sneakers please?"

The guest obliges and goes upstairs. There he sees his friend's daughters, both very good looking. Being the adventurous and quick thinking kind, he says: "Hi, ladies! Your daddy sent me here to have sex with you!"

They stare at him and say, "That can't be!"

He replies, "OK, let's check!"

He shouts at his friend down the stairs, "Both of them?"

"Yes, both of them!"

lobo316



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Three dogs were in a cage at the city pound: A Pit Bull, a German Shepherd and a Great Dane. The Pit Bull told the others "I was eating my dinner and my owner's two-year-old niece tried to grab my food, so I ripped out her throat. Now they are going to put me to sleep."

The German Shepherd said, "I chewed up my master's shoes yesterday, and now they are going to put me to sleep."

The Great Dane said "My master is a beautiful twenty-two-year-old woman. The other day she came out of the shower and bent over in front of me, so I mounted her and did my thing."

"So are you in here to be put to sleep too?" asked the others. "No, I'm here to have my nails clipped!"

bpickering
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A young couple, just married were in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night.

As they were undressing for bed, the husband who was a big burly man tossed his pants to his bride and said, "Here, put these on."

She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body. "I can't wear your pants," she said.

"That's right," said the husband,and don't you ever forget it. I'm the man who wears the pants in this family."

With that she flipped him her panties and said "Try these on."

He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps.

"Hell, " he said. "I can't get into your panties!"

She replied, "That's right, and that's the way it's going to be until your fucking attitude changes!"

lobo316



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One morning a woman was walking out of her front door, when she notices a strange little man at the bottom of her garden.

"You're a goblin," she says, "I caught you and you owe me three wishes!". So the goblin replies "OK, you caught me fair and square, what's your first wish?". The woman stops and thinks for a second, "I want a huge mansion to live in.", goblins replies "OK, you've got it.". Woman again thinks it over, "My second wish is a Mercedes." "OK, you've got that too." "My last wish is a million dollars!". The goblin then says "OK, you've got it. But to make your wishes come true you have to have sex all night with me." "OK then, if that's what it takes..."

Next morning the little man wakes the woman up.

"Tell me," says the man, "how old are you?" "I'm 27", she replies

"Fuck me", says the man, "27 and you still believe in goblins"

bpickering
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A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughter’s bedroom. When she opened the door she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator. "What are you doing?!!!" she exclaimed.

The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."

Later that week the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement. When he went downstairs, he found his daughter naked on the sofa with her vibrator. "What are you doing?!!!" he exclaimed.

The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."

A couple of days later the mother heard the humming sound again, this time in the living room. Upon entering the room, she found her husband watching television with the vibrator buzzing away beside him. "What are you doing?" she asked.

He replied, "Watching the game with my son-in-law."

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Tony leans over and asks Terry, do you remember the first time
we had sex together over 10 years ago? We went behind this very tavern
where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.''Yes', she
says, 'I remember it well.'

'OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do
it for old time's sake?' 'Oh Tony, you old devil, that sounds like a
crazy, but good idea!'

a cop sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and,
having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two
old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so
there's no trouble. So he follows them.

The couple.Finally, they get to the back of the tavern
and make their way to the fence.. Tery lifts her skirt and Tony drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, Tony moves
in. Then suddenly t hey erupt into the most furious sex that the The cop
has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud
noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on
the ground.

The cop is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and
old age that he didn't know. After about half an hour of lying on the ground
recovering, Tony and Terry struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on.

The cop is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly
amazing .. I've got to ask them what their secret is. So, Terry and Tony
passes, he says to them,' Excuse me, but that was something else. You
must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?'

Shaking, Tony is barely able to reply, '10 years ago that wasn't
an electric fence.'

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Okay, I'm finally going to add to this thread:

Q: What's the difference between a vaccuum cleaner and a guy on a Harley Davidson motorcycle?

A: The dirtbag's in a different place.

bpickering
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Easter is the day Jesus comes out of his tomb and if he sees his shadow it means 6 more weeks of winter.

bpickering
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Three hookers of varying ages were standing around, discussing their profession.

The middle aged one said: "So, how's business?"

"Awful!" replied the young one. "All anybody wants is blow jobs!"

"What's wrong with that?" asked the mid-lifer. "It's easy work, a quick turn over, and you can make more money that way."

"That's just the problem," exclaimed the young lady, "I can't get more than $20.00 for a blow job! How can I make any money that way?"

"Oh," she replied, shrugging, "that's nothing. When I started working, we only got $10.00 for a blow job!"

At this point the old hooker chimed in. "You kids have it so easy! Why, back in my day, we had to give blow jobs for free! And we were glad to get something warm in our bellies, too!"

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A woman was in a coma. Nurses were in her room giving her a sponge
bath.
One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a response on the monitor when she touched her. They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, "Crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma." The husband was sceptical, but they assured him that they'd close the curtains for privacy. The hubby finally agreed and went into his wife's room. After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate. The nurses ran into the room. The husband was standing there, pulling up his pants, and said, "I think she choked."

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Just in time for Easter

What did the Easter Egg say to the pot of boiling water?

I might take awhile to get hard, I just got laid last night

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I'm assuming "bad" can mean utterly fucking stupid, so here goes.  Courtesy of my wife:

What are the two sexiest animals on the farm?

Brown chicken, Brown cow.

You're supposed to say the punchline sing-songy and fast so it sounds like porno music.

:X:(:?

bpickering
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An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were sitting in a bar, drinking (as you do), and discussing how stupid their wives were.

The Englishman says, "I tell you, my wife is so stupid. Last week she went to the supermarket and bought $300 worth of meat because it was on sale, and we don't even have a fridge to keep it in."

The Scotsman agrees that she sounds pretty thick, but says his wife is thicker. "Just last week, she went out and spent $17,000 on a new car," he laments, "and she doesn't even know how to drive!"

The Irishman nods sagely, and agrees that these two woman sound like they both walked through the stupid forest and got hit by every branch. However, he still thinks his wife is dumber. "Ah, it kills me every toime oi tink of it," he chuckles. "Moy woife just left to go on a holiday in Greece. Oy watched her packing her bag, and she must have put about 100 condoms in there...And she doesn't even have a penis!"

bpickering
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Superman was feeling bored after a long break of crime fighting and wanted to go out and party, so he called Batman to ask if he wanted to go to a club and pick up some girls.

Batman said Robin was ill and he had to look after him.

A little disappointed, Superman called Spiderman to see if he fancied a few beers. Spiderman told him he had a date with Catwoman.

As a last resort Superman flew over to Wonderwoman's apartment to see if she was free. As he landed on her balcony, he saw Wonderwoman naked on the bed with her legs open.

Superman thought to himself "I'm faster than a speeding bullet, I could be in there, have sex and out again before she knew what was happening" So Superman did his super thing in a split second and flies off happily.

Meanwhile on the bed, Wonderwoman said "Did you hear anything?"

"No!" said the Invisible Man, "but my ass hurts like hell!"

bpickering
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So this guy named Bo goes over to his friend's house. He rings the bell and the wife answers the door. "Hi Nora, is Tony home?" Bo asked. "No," she replied. He'll be back soon. "Well, you mind if I wait?" he asked. "Not at all," she said. "Come on in."

They sit down and Bo says, "You know Nora, you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen. I'd give you a hundred bucks if I could just see one."

Nora thinks about this for a second and figures what the hell. It's a hundred bucks. She opens her robe and shows one. Bo promptly thanks her and throws a 100 bucks on the table.

They sit there a while longer and Bo says, "Those really are so beautiful. I've got to see the both of them at the same time. I'll give you another 100 bucks if I could just see the both of them together."

Nora thinks about this and says figures what the hell. It's another hundred bucks. She opens her robe and gives Bo a nice long look. He thanks her and throws another 100 bucks on the table and leaves.

A while later Tony arrives home and his wife says, "You know your weird friend Bo came over."

Tony thinks about this for a second and says, "Did he drop off the 200 bucks he owes me?"

bpickering
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Two friends were playing golf when one pulled out a cigar but he didn't have a lighter so he asked his friend if he had one. "I sure do," he replied and reached into his golf bag and pulled out a 12 inch bic lighter.

"Wow!" said his friend, "where did you get that monster." "I got it from my genie." "You have a genie," he asked? "Yes, he's right here in my golf bag." "Could I see him?" He opens his golf bag and out pops the genie.

The friend says, "I'm a good friend of your master. Will you grant me one wish?" "Yes I will," the genie said so he asks him for a million bucks and the genie hops back into the golf bag and leaves him standing there waiting for his million bucks.

Suddenly the sky begins to darken and the sound of a million ducks flying overhead his head. The friend tells his golfing partner, "I asked for a million bucks not ducks!"

He answers, "I forgot to tell you the genie is hard of hearing. Do you really think I asked him for a 12 inch bic?"

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Three women are in a gym locker room dressing up to play racquetball, when suddenly a guy runs through the room - wearing nothing but a bag over his head - and passes the three women.

He passes the first woman, who looks down at his penis. "He's not my husband," she says.

He passes by the second woman, who also looks down at his penis. "He's not my husband, either," she says, also not recognizing the unit.

He passes by the third woman, who also looks down as he runs by her. "Wait a minute," she says. "He's not even a member of this club!"

bpickering
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A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the crotch. Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. He finally gets himself to the doctor. He says, "How bad is it doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my fiance is still a virgin in every way."

The doc said , "I'll have to put your penis in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week." So he took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4-sided bandage and wired it all together.

It was an impressive work of art.

The guy mentions none of this to his girlfriend. They marry and on their honeymoon night in the motel room, she rips open her blouse to reveal gorgeous set of breasts. This was the first time he ever saw them.

She says, "You are the first, no one has ever touched these breasts."

He pulls down his pants, whips it out and says, "And look at this, it's still in the CRATE !"

bpickering
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A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning-drop-dead gorgeous young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, tells him she'll see him later, and walks away.

His wife glares at him and says, "Who was that??!!"

"Oh," replies the husband, "that was my mistress."

The wife says, "That's it; I want a divorce."

"I understand," replies her husband, "but, remember, if you get a divorce, there will be no more shopping trips to Paris, no wintering in the Caribbean, no Lexus in the garage, and no more country club. But the decision is yours."

Just then the wife notices a mutual friend entering the restaurant with a very beautiful woman. "Who's that woman with Jim?" she asks. "That's his mistress," replies her husband.

"Ours is prettier," says the wife.

bpickering
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 general store hires a young female clerk with a penchant for very short skirts...

One day a young man enters the store, glances at the clerk and glances at the loaves of bread behind the counter. "I'd like some raisin bread, please," the man says politely.

The clerk nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread, which, of course, happens to be located on the very top shelf. The man, standing almost directly beneath her, is provided with an excellent view.

As the clerk retrieves the bread, a small group of male customers gather around the young man, looking in the same direction. Right away, another guy asks for raisin bread and, then, each guy in turn is asking for raisin bread, just to see the clerk climb up and down.

After more than a few trips, the clerk is tired and irritated. She stops and fumes at the top of the ladder, glaring down at the men standing below.

She notices an elderly man standing amongst the crowd. "Is yours raisin too?" the clerk yells testily.

"No," croaks the old man feebly, "But it's startin' to twitch."

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My First Time
The sky was dark
The moon was high
All alone, just her and I
Her hair so soft
Her eyes so blue
I knew just what she wanted to do.

Her skin so soft
Her legs so fine
I ran my fingers down her spine.
I didn't know how
But I tried my best
I started by placing
My hands on her breast.

I remember my fear
My fast beating heart,
But slowly she spread
Her legs apart.

And when I did it
I felt no shame
All at once
The white stuff came.

At last it's finished
It's all over now.
My first time ever
At milking a cow.

bpickering
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Joan, who was rather well-proportioned, spent almost all of her vacation sunbathing on the roof of her hotel.

She wore a bathing suit the first day, but on the second, she decided that no one could see her way up there, and she slipped out of it for an overall tan.

She'd hardly begun when she heard someone running up the stairs. She was lying on her stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear.

"Excuse me, miss," said the flustered assistant manager of the hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs. "The Hilton doesn't mind your sunbathing on the roof, but we would very much appreciate your wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday."

"What difference does it make?" Joan asked rather calmly. "No one can see me up here, and besides, I'm covered with a towel."

"Not exactly," said the embarrassed man. "You're lying on the dining room skylight."

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Dog walks into a bar, sits on a stool and orders a drink. A patron says "we don't like dogs in our bar," pulls out a gun and shoots the dog in the leg.

The next day, the dog walks into the bar, with a cast on his leg and pistol in his belt. The dog looks at the bartender and says "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

beejmi
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bpickering wrote: A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the crotch. Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. He finally gets himself to the doctor. He says, "How bad is it doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my fiance is still a virgin in every way."

The doc said , "I'll have to put your penis in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week." So he took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4-sided bandage and wired it all together.

It was an impressive work of art.

The guy mentions none of this to his girlfriend. They marry and on their honeymoon night in the motel room, she rips open her blouse to reveal gorgeous set of breasts. This was the first time he ever saw them.

She says, "You are the first, no one has ever touched these breasts."

He pulls down his pants, whips it out and says, "And look at this, it's still in the CRATE !"
I don't read this thread as much as I should, but I like this one.

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An old guy is naked at the clothing optional beach.
A little girl passing by stops, points at his penis & asks him
"what is that ? "
"Well",  says the guy, "this is a bird, the 2 round things are its eggs, &
the stuff  all around it is its nest."
With that, he lays  down for a nap.
Later, the paramedics are attending to him.  They ask the crowd if anyone knows what happened to him. The little girl steps forward & says:
"I tried to make the bird fly away, so I pulled & pulled but it got bigger & spit
on me. So, I smashed the eggs & burnt the nest" 

bpickering
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A doctor was having an affair with his nurse. Shortly afterward, she told him she was pregnant. Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there.

"But how will I let you know the baby is born?" she asked.

He replied, "Just send me a postcard and write "spaghetti" on the back. I'll take care of expenses."

Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to Italy. Six months went by and then one day the doctor's wife called him at the office and said "Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today from Europe, and I don't understand what it means."

The doctor said "Just wait until I get home and I will explain it to you".

Later that evening the doctor came home, read the postcard, fell to the floor with a heart attack. Paramedics rushed him to the ER. The lead medic stayed back to comfort the wife. He asked what trauma had precipitated the cardiac arrest.

So the wife picked up the card and read "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two with sausage and meatballs, two without."

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Rossi enters a restaurant and while sitting at his table, notices a gorgeous woman sitting at another table alone. He calls the waiter over and asks for the most expensive bottle of champagne to be sent over to her - knowing that if she accepts it, she will be his. The waiter gets the bottle and quickly sends it over to the girl, saying this is from the gentleman. She looks at the champagne and decides to send a note to the man. The note reads: "For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million in the bank, and 8 inches in your trousers".
Well, Rossi, after reading this note, sends one of his own back to her. It reads" "Just so you know - I have a Mercedes AND a BMW and over TEN million in the bank. But not even for YOU, sweetheart, would I cut 2 inches off my dick. So send back the bottle. Yours truly, Steven Rossi."

Last edited on Sun Oct 31st, 2010 03:10 pm by lobo316

bpickering
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The Top 10 Reasons Why It Sucks To Be A Dick

10. You've got a hole in your head.

9. Your master strangles you all the time.

8. Your head is disproportionate to the rest of your body.

7. You shrink in cold water.

6. You never get a haircut.

5. You always hang around with 2 nuts.

4. Your closest neighbor is an asshole.

3. Your best friend is a pussy.

2. Your scalp gets cut off if you're Jewish.

And the number one reason why it sucks to be a Dick:

1. Every time you get excited, you throw up.

lobo316



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Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop. Right away they go over to the bird section. Gerry says to Paddy, "Dat's dem". The clerk comes over and asks if he can help them. "Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere birds in dat cage op dere," says Gerry, "Put dem in a peeper  bag." The clerk does and the two guys pay for the birds and leave the shop. They get into Gerry's van and drive until they are high up in the hills and stop at the top of a cliff with a 500-foot drop. "Dis looks loike a grand place, eh?" says Gerry. "Oh, yeh, dis looks good," replies Paddy. They flip a coin and Gerry wins the toss. "I guess I git to go first eh Paddy?" says Gerry. He then takes two birds out of the bag, places them onhis shoulders and jumps off the cliff. Paddy watches as his mate drops off the edge and goes straight down for a few seconds followed by a 'SPLAT'. As Paddy looks over the edge of the cliff he shakes his head and says:
"Fock dat, dis budgie jumpin' is too fockin' dangerous for me." 

 

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Heard this one today:

A man is lying in bed with his new Thai wife. After a great night of sex she spends the next hour lovingly stroking his penis. The husband looks at her and says " Why do you love doing that so much ?? "  She sighs and says " Because I really miss mine so very much " .

bpickering
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Two nude statues (one male & one female) had been standing in the middle of a beautiful park for 99 years.

On their 100th anniversary in the park an angel came down from heaven to talk to the statues.

He said to them, "God has been watching you for the past 100 years and has been very pleased with the two of you.

So pleased in fact that he has decided to grant you a wish of becoming human for a short time."

The angel then went on to say that they would be human for fifteen minutes and will finally be able to pleasure themselves in a manner in which they have only fantasized about for the last 100 years.

The statues were so excited they could hardly believe it. The second they became human they ran off together behind the bushes.

The angel heard the rustling of the bushes and shouts of joy and laughter.

After 10 minutes the statues returned from behind the bushes sweating and laughing.

The angel told the statues that they still had 5 more minutes.

The male statue quickly turned to the female statue and said:

"Okay, it's my turn, you hold down the pigeon and I'll shit on his head!"

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One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently taps his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm. The wife turns over and says: "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynaecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh." The husband, rejected, turns over and tries to sleep. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. This time he whispers in her ear: "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"

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The Italian says, "When I've a finished a makina da love withah my wife, I go down and gently tickle the back of her knees, she floats 6 inches above a da bed in ecstacy."

The Frenchman replies, "zat is noting, when Ah've finished making ze love with ze wife, Ah kiss all ze way down her body, and zen Ah lick za soles of her feet wiz mah tongue, and she floats 12 inches above ze bed in pure ecstasy."

The redneck says, "That aint nothing. When I've finished porkin the ole lady, I git out of bed, walk over to the winder and wipe my weener on the curtains. She hits the freakin' ceiling."

lobo316



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Michael Jackson and his wife are in the recovery room with their new baby son. The doctor walks in and Michael asks: "Doctor, how long before we can have sex?" The doctor replies, "I'd wait until he's at least 14."

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Michael Jackson jokes rule.

Did I tell you that over the weekend I saw Michael Jackson at Walmart? He had heard that little boys pants were half off.

 

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Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Little Boy Blue.
Little Boy Blue who?
Michael Jackson.

thunderbolt
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[size= ]

thunderbolt
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If you have sex with a prostitute against her will, is it considered rape or
shoplifting?

Can you cry under water?

How important does a person have to be before they are considered
assassinated instead of just murdered?

Why do you have to 'put your two cents in'... but it's only a 'penny for
your thoughts'?  Where's that extra penny going to?

Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried
in for eternity?

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

What disease did cured ham actually have?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a
good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why is it that people say they 'slept like a baby' when babies wake up like
every two hours?

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars
to look at things on the ground?

Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you
naked anyway.

Why is 'bra' singular and 'panties' plural?

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible
crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?

Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane ?

If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why
can't he fix a hole in a boat?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both
dogs!

If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he
just buy dinner?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables,
what is baby oil made from?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Why did you just try singing the two songs above?

Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call
it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you,
but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?


[code]

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Two old ladies were outside their nursing home, having a smoke, when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.

Lady 1: "What's that?"
Lady 2: "A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet."
Lady 1: "Where did you get it?"
Lady 2: "You can get them at any drugstore."

The next day, Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The guy, obviously embarrassed, looks at her strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years old), but very delicately asks what brand she prefers.

"Doesn't matter, son, as long as it fits a Camel."

beejmi
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A guy had a date with his girlfriend and was thinking that tonight was the night that she was going to score. He walked into the pharmacy and sheepishly asked "How much are the condoms?" to which was told "They are 99 cents. You get them up at the front counter."

So he walks up to the front counter and asks for a box of condoms and the clerk says "That's $1.05".  He replies "I thought they were 99 cents". The clerk says "The other six cents is for tax". He replies "Oh so that's how they stay on"

Tax=tacks

lobo316



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In a last desperate attempt to win the Democratic
nomination, Hillary vowed yesterday to shave her pubic
hair & show to all to see.
Are you really going to go thru with it, she was asked.
Replied Hillary, " Read my lips, no more Bush". 

 

whatever



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Little Mary Margaret was not the best student in Catholic School . Usually she slept through the class.

One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping. 'Tell me Mary Margaret, who created the universe?'

When Mary Margaret didn't stir, little Johnny who was her friend sitting behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear.

'God Almighty!' shouted Mary Margaret.


The Nun said, 'Very good' and continued teaching her class.

A little later the Nun asked Mary Margaret, 'Who is our Lord and Savior?'

But Mary didn't stir from her slumber .    Once again, Johnny came to her rescue and stuck Mary Margaret in the butt.


"Jesus Christ!!!' shouted Mary Margaret and the Nun once again said,

 

'Very good,' and Mary Margaret fell back asleep.

The Nun asked her a third question...'What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?'


Again, Johnny came to the rescue.

This time Mary Margaret jumped up and shouted, 'If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!'

whatever



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'Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl'.

The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano ?'

'Yes, Father, it is.'

'And who was the girl you were with?'


'I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation'

Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now.

 

Was it Tina Minetti?'

'I cannot say.'

'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?'

'I'll never tell.'

'Was it Nina Capelli?'

'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'

'Was it Cathy Piriano?'

'My lips are sealed.'

'Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?'

'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'

The priest sighs in frustration. 'You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.'

Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, 'What'd you get?'

'Four months vacation and five good leads.'


 

whatever



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A rugged cowboy from Brokeback Mountain , Wyoming , goes into the doctor's office and has some tests run.

 

The doctor comes back and says, 'I am not going to beat around the bush; you have AIDS.'

 

The cowboy tugs at his Stetson and sets his jaw and says, 'Doc, what can I do?'

 

The doctor says, 'I want you to go home and eat 5 pounds of spicy sausage, a head of cabbage, 20 un-peeled carrots drenched in hot sauce, 10 Jalapeno peppers, 40 walnuts and 40 peanuts, 1/2 box of Grapenuts cereal, and top it off with a gallon of prune juice.'

 

The cowboy squares his rugged shoulders and asks, 'Will that cure me, Doc?'

 

'No, but it should leave you with a better understanding of what your ass is for.' 

 

lobo316



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There was a little girl and her mother walking through the park one day and they saw two teenagers having sex on a bench. The little girl says” Mummy what are they doing?"
The mother hesitates then quickly replies "Ummm they are making cakes".
The next day they are at a zoo and the little girl sees two monkeys having sex. Again she asks her mother what they are doing and her Mother replies with the same response, making cakes.
The next day the girl says to her mother "Mummy, you and Daddy were making cakes in the lounge last night". Shocked, the Mother says "how do you know?" She says, "because I licked the icing off the sofa"

beejmi
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From my email box to you

> This proves we have become far too dependent on our computers.
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lobo316



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Little boy runs into the kitchen and asks Grandma where Mum and Dad are.
Grandma replies they are still in bed. Little boy giggles and leaves.
About lunch time the boy comes back and asks Grandma the same question.
Grandma replies they are still in bed. Boy giggles and leaves.
Dinner time arrives and back goes the boy with the same question and gets the same answer. He starts to giggle again and Grandma getting a bit pissed off by now asks him what is giggling about.
The little fellow replies," Dad came into my room this morning asking for the Vaseline and I fooled him by giving him the super glue".

 

beejmi
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A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him.

She says hello. He's rather taken back because he can't place where he knows her from. So he says, "Do you know me?" To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says,"My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???"

 She looks into his eyes and says  "No, I'm your son's teacher."

The Ultimate Sin
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beejmi wrote:  
A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him.

She says hello. He's rather taken back because he can't place where he knows her from. So he says, "Do you know me?" To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says,"My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???"

 She looks into his eyes and says  "No, I'm your son's teacher."

I love that joke.

lobo316



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A couple were invited to a swanky family masked fancy dress Halloween party.

The wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party
alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she
was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his
good time to be spoiled by not going.

So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly
for about an hour, woke without pain and as it was still early, decided to
go to the party. As her husband didn't know what her costume was, she
thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted
when she was! not with him.

So she joined the party and soon spotted her husband in his costume,
cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice "chick" he
could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there.

His wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left
his new partner high and dry and devoted his time to her. She let him go as
far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband.

After more drinks he finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear
and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had passionate
intercourse in the back seat. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped

away and went home and put the costume away and She was sitting up reading
when he came in, so she asked what kind of time he had.

"Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not
there."
Then she asked, "Did you dance much?"
He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there,

I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the spare room
and played poker all evening."

"You must have looked really silly wearing that costume playing poker all
night!" she said with unashamed sarcasm.

To which the husband replied, "Actually, I gave my costume to my Dad,
apparently he had the time of his life."






 






 


Last edited on Sat Jun 21st, 2008 04:10 pm by lobo316

beejmi
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THE WEDDING TEST


I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating
for over a year, and so we decided to get married.


There was only one little thing bothering me...It was her beautiful
 younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. It had to be deliberate.

One day her 'little' sister called and asked me to come over to check the
wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to
me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome.
She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and
committed my life to her sister.

Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, 'I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.'

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I
stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to
the front door. I opened the door and headed straight towards my car.
Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!

With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, 'We are
very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a
better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.'


The moral of this story is:
Always keep your condoms in your car.

lobo316



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A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor, I have this problem
with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much. They never smell and are
always silent. As a matter of fact, I've farted at least 20 times since I've
been here in your office.
You didn't know I was farting because they don't smell and are silent.
The doctor says, "I see, take these pills and come back to see me next week."
The next week the lady goes back. "Doctor," she says, "I don't know what the
hell you gave me, but now my farts...although still silent...stink terribly."
The doctor says, "Good!!! Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work
on your hearing."

CanadianHorseman



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After numerous rounds of  " We don't even know if Osama is still alive "
Osama himself decided to send George Bush a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still in the game.

Bush opened the letter and it contained a single line of coded message:



           370H-SSV-0773H


Bush was baffled, so he showed it to Condoleezza Rice. Condi and her aides
had not a clue either, so they sent it to the FBI. No one could solve it at
the FBI so it went to the CIA, then to MI6 and Mossad.

Eventually they asked RCMP for help.  Within a minute RCMP emailed The
White House with this reply: Tell the President he's holding the message
upside down.

beejmi
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[size= ]


 





[size=St. Peter is at the Pearly Gates checking up on the people waiting to
enter Heaven.

He asks the next one in line, 'So, who are you, and what did you do on
Earth?"

The fellow says, "I am Barack Obama, and I was the first black to be
elected President of the United States "

St. Peter says, 'The U.S.? A black President? You gotta be kidding me!
When did this happen?"

Obama says, "About twenty minutes ago."]

lobo316



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After a long night of hot sex, he notices a photo
of another man on her nightstand by the bed. He begins to worry.

"Is this your husband?" he nervously asks.

"No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.

"Your boyfriend, then?" he continues.

"No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ear.

"Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires, hoping to be reassured.

"No, no, no!!!" she answers.

"Well, who in the hell is he, then?" he demands.

"That's me before the surgery."

beejmi
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A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a case of beer, any kind except Schlitz. The bartender says, "What's wrong with Schlitz, don't you like it? The man says, "I hate that shit". Last night I drank a whole case of Schlitz and blew chunks. The bartender says, "You drink a case of any beer you're going to blow chunks". You don't understand said the man ~ "Chunks is my dog".

beejmi
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A neutron walks into a bar. "I'd like a beer" he says.
The bartender promptly serves up a beer.
"How much will that be?" asks the neutron.
"For you?" replies the bartender, "no charge"

beejmi
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A woman scanned the guests at a party and spotted an attractive man, standing alone.

She approached him. "My name is Carmen," she told him.

"That's a beautiful name," he replied, "Is it a family name?"

"No," she replied. "I gave it to myself. It reflects the things I like most -- cars and men."

"What's your name?" she asked.

He said, "B.J.Titsenbeer"

lobo316



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Sadly, Joe was born without ears, and though he proved to be successful in
 business, his problem annoyed him greatly.
One day he needed to hire a new manager for his company, so he set up
three interviews.
The first guy was great. He knew everything he needed to know and was very
interesting. But at the end of the interview, Joe asked him, "Do you
notice anything different about me?"
"Why, yes, I couldn't help but notice that you have no ears," came the
reply. Joe did not appreciate his candor  and threw him out of the
office.
The second interview was with a woman, and she was even better than the
first guy. But he asked her the same question: "Do you notice anything
different about me?" "Well," she said stammering,"you have no ears." Joe
again got upset and threw her out in a rage.
The third and final interviewee was the best of the bunch, he was a young
man who had recently earned his MBA. He was smart.He was handsome, and
he seemed to be a better businessman than the first two put together.
Joe was anxious, but went ahead and asked the young Man the same
question:
"Do you notice anything different about me?" Much to his surprise, the
young man answered, "Yes, you wear contact lenses,
don't you?" Joe was shocked and realized this was an incredibly
observant person.

"How in the world did you know that?", he asked.
The young man fell off his chair laughing hysterically and replied,
"Well, it's pretty hard to wear glasses with no fucking ears!"

beejmi
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Jason walks into a restroom in an airport and goes up to a urinal. A man with no arms comes up to him and says "Hey, can you give me a hand?". Though he feels uncomfortable, he agrees to help. He unzips the man's pants, takes a deep breath, and reaches in and takes out his penis, which he is horrified to discover is all green and moldy. Imagining the bonus he will get come judgment day, he continues to hold the man's moldy unit as he urinates, gives it a shake, and zips it back up in his pants.

"Hey, thanks a lot man." The man says

"No problem. But there is one thing I have to know, what is wrong with your Johnson?"

Then the man pulls his arms out into his sleeves and says "I don't know, but I'm sure as hell ain't gonna touch it!"

lobo316



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Two friends were in a bar drinking a beer when one pulled out a cigar but he didn't have a lighter so he asked his friend if he had one.

"I sure do," he replied and reached into his pocket and pulled out a 10 inch Bic lighter.

"Wow!" said his friend, "where did you get that monster."
"I got it from my genie."
"You have a genie?" he asked.
"Yes, he's right here in my pocket."
"Could I see him?"

He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a very small genie.The friend says, "I'm a good friend of your master. Will you grant me one wish?"

"Yes I will," the genie said so he asks him for a million bucks and the genie hops back into his master's pocket and leaves the man standing there waiting for his million bucks.

About this time, a duck walks into the bar followed by another. Then more ducks come pouring in. Before long the entire bar has ducks everywhere. The friend tells his buddy, "What is going on here, I asked for a million bucks not ducks!"

He answers, "I forgot to tell you the genie is hard of hearing. Do you really think I asked him for a 10 inch Bic?"

beejmi
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An old guy is walking on the beach, when he sees a girls with huge breasts sunbathing. He stares for a while, then goes over and asks if he can feel her breasts.
"Get away from me, you pervert!" she yells.
"Look, if you let me feel your breasts, I'll give you 20 bucks"
"No fucking way - go away before I call the cops!"
"Ok, a hundred bucks!" He offers.
"Just fuck off you pervert!"
"Ok, Ok, five hundred dollars!" he suggests.
She thinks a minute:

Five hundred is a lot of money, Jimmy Choos aren't cheap...
He seems harmless enough...
No one around...

"Ok, but just for one minute then." she agrees.
She slips of her bikini top, and his hands slide under and around the sweet globes.
His thumbs tickle her nipples, and he gasps, and starts to moan "Oh God! Oh God! Oh God!"
His palms slide over her warm flesh, and he is moaning faster, and faster "Oh God! Oh God! Oh God!"
"Are you ok?" she asks, concerned he might die on her.
He continues to explore her body, moaning "Oh God! Oh God! Oh God! Where am I going to get five hundred dollars?"

lobo316



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One day Billy Bob goes to town wearing nothing but his gun belt and boots.

The sheriff spots him and asks, "What the hell are you doing walking around town dressed like that?"

B.B. replies, "Well sheriff, it's a long story. Me and Mary Lou was down on the farm and we started a-cuddlin'. Mary Lou said we should go in the barn and we did. Inside the barn we started a-kissin' and a-cuddlin' and things got pretty hot and heavy. Well, Mary Lou said we should go up on the hill.  So we did. Up on the hill we started a-kissin' and a-cuddlin' and then, all of a sudden, Mary Lou up and took off all her clothes and said I should take off mine, too.   So I took off all my clothes, 'cept for my gun belt and my boots. Mary Lou lay on the ground and opened her legs and then, for some strange reason she said, "Billy Bob, go to town!"

 

beejmi
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Three Texans In A Bar

A Texas Tech graduate, a University of Texas grad and a Texas Aggie were sitting in a bar in San Antonio. The view of the river was fantastic, the beer was ice cold and the food exceptional.

"But," said the guy from Tech, "I still prefer the beer joints back in Lubbock. There's one place where the owner goes out of his way for the locals! When you buy 4 beers, he will buy the 5th."

The Longhorn said "Well, at my local bar in Austin, the owner will buy your 3rd drink after you've bought 2."

"Hell, that's nothin'," the Aggie responded. "Back in College Station there's this bar where the moment you set foot in the place they'll buy you a drink and keep them coming all night. Then when you've had enough to drink, they take you upstairs and see that you get laid. And it's all on the house."


The Red Raider and the Longhorn immediately doubted the Aggie's claims. "And this actually happened to you?" asked the Tech grad.


"No, not myself personally," admitted the Aggie. "But it did happen to my sister."


lobo316



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A woman was standing at a bus stop  next to a man in a trench coat. She asked
him for the time. He pulled out his dick,  looked at it, and said "ten thirty".
She was startled but said it must be at least noon.
He then took out his dick again & began to vigorously beat it saying
"you're right lady, I forgot to wind it"

beejmi
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Two cowboys are sitting on their horses watching the sunset.

One cowboy turns to the other and asks "whats your favourite sexual position?"

"I'd have to say the rodeo position" replies the second cowboy.

"The rodeo position! what the hell is that?" asks the first cowboy.

"Well" says the second cowboy, "you take the woman doggie style, reach around to cup her breasts and say 'wow, these feel just like your sisters' then you hold on for as long as you can!"

lobo316



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What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend ?
Wiped his ass. 

 

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My cousin just e-mailed me this one:

 



UP & DOWN SEX

At a Senior Citizen's luncheon, an elderly gentleman and an elderly lady

struck up a conversation and discovered that they both loved to fish.

Since both of them were widowed, they decided to go
fishing together the next day.

The gentleman picked the lady up, and they headed to the
river to his fishing boat and started out on their adventure.

They were sailing down the river when suddenly there was
a fork in the river, and the gentleman asked the lady,
'Do you want to go up or down?'

All of a sudden the lady stripped off her shirt and pants
and made mad passionate love to the man right there in the boat !

When they finished, the man couldn't believe what had just happened,

what he had just experienced the best sex that he'd had in years.

They fished for a while and continued on down the river,
when soon they came upon another fork in the river.

He again asked the lady, 'Up or down ?'

There she went again, stripped off her clothes and made wild passionate love to him again.

his really impressed the elderly gentleman, so he asked
her to go fishing again the next day.

She said yes and there they were the next day, in the boat when they

came upon the fork in river, and the elderly gentleman asked, 'Up or down ?'

The woman replied, 'Down.'

A little puzzled and disappointed, the gentleman guided
the boat down the river when he came upon

Another fork in the river and he asked the

Lady,'Up or down ?'

She replied, 'Up.'

This really confused the gentleman so he asked, 'What's the deal?

Yesterday, every time I asked you if you wanted to go up or down you

made mad passionate love to me. Now today, nothing!'

She replied, 'Well, yesterday I wasn't wearing my
hearing aid and I thought the choices were fuck or drown.


Last edited on Thu Sep 18th, 2008 07:09 pm by CanadianHorseman

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Just got this one from my cousin:

 

As men age, we tend to end up seeing more and more of the medical
establishment.

For example, my family doctor recently referred me to a female
urologist. I saw her yesterday and she is gorgeous.  She's beautiful and
unbelievably sexy.

She told me that I must stop masturbating.

I asked her why, and she said, "Because I'm trying to examine you..."

lobo316



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A lady walks into a bar and sees a really good-looking guy sitting at
the bar by himself. She goes over and asks him what he is drinking.
"Magic Beer," he says.
She thinks he's a little crazy, so she walks around the bar, but after
realizing that there is no one else worth talking to, goes back to the
man sitting at the bar and says, "That isn't really Magic Beer, is it?"
Yes, I'll show you." He takes a drink of the beer, jumps out the window,
flies around the building three times and comes back in the window!
The lady can't believe it: "I bet you can't do that again."
He takes another drink of beer, jumps out the window, flies around the
building three times, and comes back in the window.
She is so amazed that she says she wants a Magic Beer, so the guy says
to the bartender, "Give her one of what I'm having."
She gets her drink, takes a gulp of the beer, jumps out the window,
plummets to the ground, breaks every bone in her body, and dies.
The bartender looks up at the guy and says, "You know, Superman, you're
a real asshole when you're drunk."

CanadianHorseman



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My friend just sent me this one - the first part I had heard before but the second part was new to me.


THE HUSBAND STORE

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of
the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights.


The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to
go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!



So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:


Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'



So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.
'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.



She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and
Help With Housework.


'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'


Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with
Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.


She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on
this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.


PLEASE NOTE:



To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened The Wife Store just across the street.


The first floor has wives that love sex.



The second floor has wives that love sex, like beer and have money.



The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.


beejmi
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Why do lesbians drink Diet Coke?

 

Because they are fat and thirsty

lobo316



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Carpetbeggar is a chicken farmer; his farm is dedicated to the fertilized egg business.  In his farm yard, CB  had 450 young hens to lay the eggs.  Incidentally, at this stage the female hens are called 'pullets'.  Now to fertilise the eggs, which the pullets laid, CB had 12 male birds called roosters.

CB kept careful records, and any rooster that didn't perform went straight into the cooking pot and a replacement introduced.  CB found this task time consuming, along with posting at S & W,  so he bought a dozen tiny bells and attached one to each of his roosters.  Cunningly, each bell had a different ring tone so he could tell  from the comfort of his porch, which rooster was performing.

So now CB could sit on his rocking chair and tick the boxes on his efficiency report simply by listening to the bells. The farmer's favourite rooster was Terry Taylor, a very fine specimen he was, too. But on this particular morning CB noticed TT's bell hadn't rung at all!  CB went to investigate.

The other roosters were chasing pullets, their bells-a-ringing.  The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.  But to CB's amazement, TT had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.

CB was so proud of TT, he entered him in the  county fair and TT became an overnight sensation among the judges. The result... The judges not only awarded Terry Taylor the No Bell Piece Prize, but also they awarded him the Pulletsurprise!

beejmi
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A husband and wife were sitting watching TV when he turned to his wife and said, 'Honey, tell me something that will make me happy and sad all at the same time.'

She replied, 'You have the biggest dick of all your friends.

beejmi
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In a bar lounge, a real southern gentleman beckoned the waitress back
and said quietly, 'Miss, y'all sure are a luvly, luvly lady, can ah
persuade y'all to give me a piece of ass?'

'Lord, that's the most direct proposition I've ever had!' gasped the
girl. Then she looked around the room, smiled and added, 'Sure, why not?
You're nice lookin' too and it's pretty slow here right now, so why don't
we just slip away up to my room?'

When the pair returned half an hour later, the man sat down at the same
table and the waitress asked, 'Will there be anything else, sir?'

'Why yes,' replied the southern gentleman. 'Ah sure 'preciate what y'all
just did for me; it was real sweet and right neighbourly, but where we ah
come from in Albama, we lack our bourbon real cold, so ah still need to
trouble y'all for a piece uh ass for mah drink.'

beejmi
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One day a mouse came upon an elephant in the jungle who had gotten a thorn in its foot.

The mouse felt sorry for the elephant, and pulled the thorn out.

The elephant was indeed grateful, and offered the mouse anything it wanted in return for the good deed.

The mouse, noticing that the elephant was female, and feeling rather randy at the time, said: “Well, I’ve always wanted to fuck an elephant.”

The elephant laughed and laughed, and said:”No problem.” and raised the mouse up to her back with her trunk.

The mouse walked to the back of the elephant, who held her tail out of the way, and got started.

Just then a coconut fell from a palm tree and hit the elephant on the head. “Ouch.” She said.

The mouse said: “Take it all, bitch!”

lobo316



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A man buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool. After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant, and calls a vet for help.
The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination. The guy doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and will, instead, lay down and wallow in grass when they are pregnant.
The Man hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the sheep. So, he loads the sheep into his truck, drives them out into the outback, has sex with them all, brings them back and goes to bed. Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he deduces that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the truck again. He drives them out to the outback, bangs each sheep twice for good measure, brings them back and goes to bed. Next morning, he wakes to find the sheep still just standing around. One more try, he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up and drive them out to the outback. He spends all day shagging the sheep and, upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed.
The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look at the sheep. He asks his wife to look out and tell him if the sheep are laying in the grass.


No," she says, "they're all in the truck and one of them is honking the horn."

lobo316



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A dedicated Teamsters union worker was attending a convention in Las Vegas and decided to check out the local brothels.
When he got to the first one, he asked the Madam, "Is this a union house?"
"No," she replied, "I'm sorry it isn't."
"Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"
"The house gets $80 and the girls get $20," she answered.
Mightily offended at such unfair dealings, the union man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable, hopefully unionized shop.
His search continued until finally he reached a brothel where the Madam responded, "Why yes sir, this is a union house. We observe all union rules."
The man asked, "And if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"
"The girls get $80 and the house gets $20."
"That's more like it!" the union man said. He handed the Madam $100, looked around the room and pointed to an attractive blonde. "I'd like her," he said.
I'm sure you would, sir," said the Madam. Then she gestured to a 72 year old woman in the corner, "but Ethel, here, has 47 years seniority, and she's next."

srossi

 

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An old Italian Mafia Don is dying and he calls for his grandson to approach the bed.
 
'Lissin' a me. I wanna for you to taka my chrome-plated 38-caliber revolver, so you will always remember me."
  
The grandson smiles weakly and replies; "But grandpa, I really donna lika guns.  Howzabout you leava me you ROLEX watch instead?"
 
Gasping for air the old man answers with a snarl in his voice; 'Shuddupan lissin'. 
 
 
After a slight pause to catch his breath he continues; 'Somma day, you gonna comma home, and maybe find you wife inna bed with another man. Whadda you gonna do.... pointa to yo u watch and say 'Times up?'

Last edited on Wed Nov 5th, 2008 08:50 pm by srossi

beejmi
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A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning
coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession
approaching the nearby cemetery.

A long black hearse was followed by a second long black
hearse about 50 feet behind the first one. Behind the second
hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash.

Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men
walking single file. The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He
respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said, 'I am
so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb
you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is
it?'

'My wife's.' 'What happened to her?' The man replied,
'My dog attacked and killed her.'

He inquired further, 'But who is in the second hearse?'
The man answered, 'My mother-in-law.

She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on
her.'


A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed.
between the two men.

'Can I borrow the dog?'


'Get in line.'

lobo316



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Howard is 95 and lives in a senior citizen home. Every night after dinner, Howard goes to a secluded garden behind the center to sit and ponder his accomplishments and long life. One evening, Annabel, age 87, wanders into the garden. They begin to chat, and before they know it, several hours have passed. After a short lull in their conversation, Howard turns to Annabel and asks, "Do you know what I miss most of all?"
She asks "What?" and he replies "SEX!!!" Annabel exclaims, "Why you old fart, you couldn't get it up if I held a gun to your head!"
"I know", Howard says, "but it would be nice if a woman just held  it...for a while".
"Well, I can oblige", says Annabel, who gently unzips his trousers and removes his manhood and proceeds to hold it.
Afterward, they agree to meet secretly each night in the garden where they would sit and talk and Annabel would hold Howard's manhood.
Then, one night, Howard didn't show up at their usual meeting place.
Alarmed, Annabel decided to find Howard and make sure that he was O.K.
She walked around the senior citizen home where she found him sitting by the pool with another female resident who was holding Howard's manhood!
Furious, Annabel yelled, "You two-timing creep! What does she have that I don't have?"
Howard smiled and replied, "Parkinson's."

beejmi
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An 86 year old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.The Receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?" "There's something wrong with my dick", he replied.
The Receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that." "Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.
The Receptionist replied; "Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private."
The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.
The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?"
"There's something wrong with my ear", he stated.
The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, sir?" "It burns when I piss out of it," he replied.

Benlen



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A woman was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to her husband, 'I feel
horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.
I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'

lobo316



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A man walks into the dentist's office with a toothache, and
after the dentist examines him, he says, "That tooth has to come out.
I'm going to give you a shot of Novocain and I'll be backin a few
minutes."
The man grabs the dentist's arm, "No way! I hate needles,
and I'm not having any shot." So, the dentist says, "Okay. We'll go with
the gas."
The man replies, "Absolutely not! It makes me sick for a
couple of days. I'm not having gas."
The dentist steps out and comes back with a glass of water.
"Here," he says, "Take this pill."
The man asks, "What is it?" And the dentist replies,
"Viagra." The man looks surprised, "Will that kill the pain?"
"No," replies the dentist, "but it will give you something
to hang on to while I pull your tooth."

thunderbolt
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A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him.
She says hello and, he's rather taken back because he can't place where he
knows her from. So he says, "Do you know me?"

To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to
his wife and says, "Are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made
love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching; while your partner
whipped my butt with a wet celery stalk?"

She looks into his eyes and says calmly, "No, I'm your son's teacher."

beejmi
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thunderbolt wrote: A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him.
She says hello and, he's rather taken back because he can't place where he
knows her from. So he says, "Do you know me?"

To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to
his wife and says, "Are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made
love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching; while your partner
whipped my butt with a wet celery stalk?"

She looks into his eyes and says calmly, "No, I'm your son's teacher."

I think we've all been there at one time or another

Benlen



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For his birthday, little Joseph asked for a 10-speed
bicycle. His father said, 'Son, we'd give you one, but
the mortgage on this house is $280,000 & your mother
just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it.'

The next day the father saw little Joseph heading out
the front door with a suitcase. So he asked, 'Son,
where are you going?' Little Joseph told him; 'I was
walking past your room last night and heard you
telling mom you were pulling out. Then I heard her
tell you to wait because she was coming too. And I'll
be damned if I'm staying here by myself with a
$280,000 mortgage & no bike.

Married Jo



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This is "bad" jokes, so here goes:


Pedophile is walking into the woods with a 9 year old boy, the boy starts to cry and the pedophile asks "Why are you crying?" and the boy says "I'm scared..." and the pedophile says "YOU'RE SCARED?!?! I gotta walk back out of these woods ALONE!"


srossi

 

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Q: Do you like Kipling?
A: I don't know, I've never kippled.

lobo316



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A murderer, imprisoned for life, broke free after 15 years and was on the run He broke into a house and tied up the young couple he found in the bedroom; the man to a chair on one side of the room and his wife to the bed The helpless husband watched him get on the bed, straddle his wife and start to nuzzle her neck His wife started to move her head violently, at which the man got up and left the room The husband squirmed the chair across the room to his young wife and hissed, "Darling, I saw him kissing you He probably hasn't seen a woman in years Please cooperate If he wants to have sex, just go along with it and even pretend you like it Whatever you do don't fight him or make him mad Our lives may depend on it!" "Darling," the wife said, spitting out her gag "I'm so relieved you feel that way He wasn't kissing me, he was whispering to me He told me he thinks you're really cute and asked if we kept the Vaseline in the bathroom"

Benlen



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A nice-looking woman went out with her group of friends to golf one morning. Not long into her round a bee stung her, causing great pain. Thinking perhaps she was going into shock, she raced her golf cart back to the club house. The first person that sees her is the club pro, and she runs up to him crying.

The pro asks her "What happened!?"

She replies "I got stung by a bee, and it really hurts!"

"Where at?"

"Between the first and second hole!"

"Oh, well then your stance is too wide."

Benlen



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A man returns home a day early from a business trip. It's after midnight.
While en route home he asks the cabby if he would be a witness. The man suspects his wife is having an affair and he wants to catch her in the act.

For $100, the cabby agrees. Quietly arriving home, the husband and cabby tiptoe into the bedroom. The husband switches on the lights, yanks the blanket back and there is his wife in bed with another man!

The husband puts a gun to the naked man's head. The wife shouts, 'Don't do it! I lied when I told you I inherited money. HE paid for the Corvette I gave you. HE paid for our new cabin cruiser. HE paid for your season football tickets. HE paid for our house at the lake. HE paid for our country club membership, and HE even pays the monthly dues!'

Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband lowers the gun. He looks over at the cabby and says, 'What would you do?'

The cabby replies, 'I'd cover his ass with that blanket before he catches
cold.'

beejmi
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A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet, and have dinner
with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her
boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the
first time.

The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the
pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and
the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour.

He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.

At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy,
a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack.

The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it
being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his
girlfriend at the door. 'Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on
in!'

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents
are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.

A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.

10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.

Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and
whispers to the boyfriend, 'I had no idea you were this religious.'

The boy turns, and whispers back, 'I had no idea your father was a pharmacist.'

beejmi
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A college professor was doing a study testing the senses of
first graders, using a bowl of lifesavers. He gave all the children the same kind of lifesavers, one at a time, and asked them to identify them by color and flavor.

The children began:

"Red............cherry,"
"Yellow.........lemon,"
"Green..........lime,"
"Orange........orange."

Finally the professor gave them all a HONEY-flavored
lifesaver.

After eating them for a few moments none of the children could identify the taste. "Well," he said "I'll give you all a clue. It's what your mother may sometimes call your father."

One little girl looked up in horror, spit hers out and yelled,

"Oh My God!!!! They're assholes

srossi

 

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A priest, a rapist, and a pedophile walk into a bar - and that's just the first guy.

thunderbolt
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A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one
night he's doing a show in a small town in Arkansas.
With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blond jokes.
Suddenly, a blond woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts
shouting:

I've heard enough of your stupid blond jokes. What
makes you think you can stereotype women that way?
What does the color of a person's hair have to do with
her worth as a human being? 'It's guys like you who
keep women like me from being respected at work and in
the community, and from reaching our full potential as
a person. Because you and your kind continue to
perpetuate discrimination against not only blonds, but
women in general... and all in the name of humor!'


The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize,
and the blond yells, 'You stay out of this, Mister!
I'm talking to that little punk on your knee!

Last edited on Tue Feb 3rd, 2009 10:55 pm by thunderbolt

lobo316



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Three old black ladies were preparing for their first plane flight.
The first lady said, "I don't know bout y'all, but I'm gonna wear me some hot pink panties on dis flight."
"Why you gonna wear dat?" the other two asked.
The first replied, "Cause, if dat plane goes down and I'm out dere laying butt-up in a corn field, dey gonna find me first."
The second lady says, "Well, I'm gonna wear me some bright fluorescent orange panties."
"Why you gonna wear dat?" the others asked.
The second lady answered: "Cause if dat plane goes down and I'm floating butt-up in the ocean, dey can see me first"
The third old lady says, "Well, I'm not going to wear any panties at all."
"What, no panties?!" the others said in disbelief.
"Dat's right," says the third lady "I'm not wearing any panties,cause if dat plane goes down, the first thing they always look for is da black box."

beejmi
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The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident in the Bay Of
  Fundy , Nova Scotia , a man answered his door to find two grim-faced
  Mounties.
  
  'We are sorry sir, but we have some information about your wife' said one
  Mountie.
  
  'Tell me! Did you find her?' the husband shouted.
  
  The Mounties looked at each other. One said, 'We have some bad news,
  some good news, and some really great news.
  
  Which do you want to hear first?
  
  Fearing the worst, the ashen husband said, 'Give me the bad news first.'
  
  The Mountie said, 'I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found
  your wife's body in the bay.'
  
  Oh my God!' exclaimed the husband. Swallowing hard, he asked, 'What's the
  good news?'
  
  The Mountie continued, 'When we pulled her up, she had 12 twenty-five
  pound snow crabs and 6 good-size lobsters clinging to her.'
  
  Stunned, the husband demanded, 'If that's the good news, what's the
  great news?'
  
  The Mountie said, 'We're going to pull her up again tomorrow.'

Quattro

 

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Add this to the bad joke category.

Calling Ultimark a faggot in some stupid poster of the year tournament (even after similiarly insulting 10 or 15 other people in the same thread.

You get threatened with interweb violence "for real".

Last edited on Sat Feb 7th, 2009 04:38 am by Quattro

Benlen



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Sorry if its a  

A guy walks into a sperm donor bank wearing a ski mask and holding a gun. He goes up to the nurse and demands her to open the sperm bank vault. She says "But sir, its just a sperm bank!", "I don't care, open it now!!!" he replies. So she opens the door to the vault and inside are all the sperm samples. The guy says "Take one of those sperm samples and drink it!", she looks at him "BUT, they are sperm samples???" , "DO IT!". So the nurse sucks it back. "That one there, drink that one as well.", so the nurse drinks that one as well. Finally after 4 samples the man takes off his ski mask and says, "See honey - its not that hard."

Last edited on Sat Feb 7th, 2009 11:53 pm by Benlen

beejmi
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The new priest is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks the older priest to sit in on his sessions.


The new priest hears a couple of confessions, then the old priest asks him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions.


The old priest suggests, "Cross your arms over your chest, and rub your chin with one hand and try saying things like 'Yes, I see,'; 'Yes, go on,' and 'I understand.'"


The new priest crosses his arms, rubs his chin with one hand and repeats all the suggested remarks to the old priest.


The old priest says, "Now, don't you think that's a little better than slapping your knee and saying, "No shit!...what happened next?"


lobo316



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Q: What's red and dances?
A: A baby on a barbecue .

CanadianHorseman



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Location: Vancouver, British Columbia Canada
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A family is at the dinner table.
The son asks his father, 'Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?'
The father, surprised, answers, 'Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman's boobs are like melons, round and firm. In Her 30s to 40s, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions'.
'Onions?'
'Yes, you see them and they make you cry'.
This infuriated his wife and daughter, so the daughter said, 'Mom, how many kinds of 'willies' are there?'
The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, 'Well dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and Hard. In his 30s and 40s, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it is like a Christmas tree.
'A Christmas tree?'
'Yes --- dead from the roots up and the balls are just for decoration.
 

Benlen



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The body builder takes off his shirt and the blonde says,

'What a Great chest you have!'

He tells her, 'That's 100 lbs. Of dynamite, Baby.'

He takes off his pants and the blonde says,'What massive calves you have!'

The body builder tells her, 'That's 100 lbs. Of dynamite, Baby.'

He then removes his underwear and the blonde goes running out of the apartment screaming in fear.

The body builder puts his clothes back on and chases after her. He catches up to her and asks why she ran out of the apartment like that.

The blonde replies,'I was afraid to be around all that dynamite after I saw how short the fuse was!'

CanadianHorseman



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Benlen - that last joke was DYNOOOOOOOOMITE !!!!!!!!!!!!


lobo316



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Kid Naitch walked into a doctor's office
and the receptionist asked him what he had. Naitch said: 'Shingles.' So she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.
Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked KN what he had.

Naitch said, 'Shingles.' So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told him to wait in the examining room.

A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Naitch what he had. KN said, 'Shingles.' So the nurse gave him a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told him to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.

An hour later the doctor came in and found Naitch sitting patiently in the nude and asked him what he had. Again, Naitch said, 'Shingles.'



The doctor asked, 'Where?'



Naitch  replied, 'Outside on the truck. Where do you want me to unload 'em??'

Kid_Naitch



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lobo316 wrote: Kid Naitch walked into a doctor's office
and the receptionist asked him what he had. Naitch said: 'Shingles.' So she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.
Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked KN what he had.

Naitch said, 'Shingles.' So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told him to wait in the examining room.

A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Naitch what he had. KN said, 'Shingles.' So the nurse gave him a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told him to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.

An hour later the doctor came in and found Naitch sitting patiently in the nude and asked him what he had. Again, Naitch said, 'Shingles.'



The doctor asked, 'Where?'



Naitch  replied, 'Outside on the truck. Where do you want me to unload 'em??'

That ended up being a gnarly allergic reaction, but thanks for picking that scab for me.

An old bull and a young bull stand atop a hill, looking down on a valley filled with cows. The young bull says to the old bull, "Let's run down there a screw a cow." The old bull turns to the young bull and says "No. Let's walk down there and screw all the cows."

CanadianHorseman



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Karen lost her husband almost four years ago and still hasn't gotten out of her mourning stage.
Her daughter is constantly calling her and urging her to get back into the world.
Finally, Karen says she'd go out, but didn't know anyone.
Her daughter immediately replies:
"Mum, I have someone for you to meet. Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asks her to join him for a weekend in the Blue Mountains .
Their first night there, she undresses ....as he does.. there she stood nude except for a pair of Black Panties, he in his birthday suit.
Looking at her he asks: "Why the black panties? "
She replies: "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still in mourning."
He knows he's not getting lucky that night..
The following night the same scenario. She's standing there with the black panties on, and he is in his birthday suit ... except that he is wearing a black condom.
She looks at him and asks: "What's with this black condom?"
 
He replies: "I want to offer my deepest condolences"

CanadianHorseman



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A man pulled into the crowded parking lot at the local Shopping Mall
and rolled down the car windows to make sure his puppy had plenty of fresh air.

The pup was stretched full-out on the back seat  and he wanted to impress
upon her that she must remain there. So the man walked to the curb backward,
pointing his finger at the car and  saying emphatically, "Now you stay. Do you
hear me? Stay girl! Stay!"

The driver of a nearby car, a pretty blonde young lady, gave the man a
strange look and said,

"Why don't you just put it in park ?"

lobo316



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A high school English teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam.
"Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being there tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family - but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!"
Ports sitting in the back of the room raises his hand and asks, 
"What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"
The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says," Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."

beejmi
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A neutron walks into the bar and has some drinks. When the night draws to a close he asks what he owes - the bartender says "for you, there's no charge".

lobo316



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An attorney went into a bar for a Martini and found himself beside a scruffy-looking drunk who kept mumbling and studying something in his hand.

He leaned closer while the drunk held the tiny object up to the light, slurring, 'Well, it looks plastic.' Then he rolled it between his fingers, adding, 'But it feels like rubber.'

Curious, the attorney asked, 'What do you have there?'

The drunk replied, 'I don't know, but it looks like plastic and feels like rubber.'

The attorney responded, 'Let me take a look.'

So the drunk handed it over and the lawyer rolled between his thumb and fingers, then examined it closely by sniffing and licking it. 'Yeah, it does look like plastic and feel like rubber, has no significant smell or taste, I sure don't know what it is.

Where did you get it?'

The drunk replied, 'Out of my nose!'

beejmi
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Two nuns, Sister Catherine and Sister Helen, are traveling through  Europe in their car.
  
They get to Transylvania , and are stopped at a traffic light.
  
Suddenly, out of nowhere, a tiny little Dracula jumps onto the hood of the car, and hisses at them through the windshield.
  
'Quick,quick!', shouts Sister Catherine. 'What shall we do?'
  
'Turn the windshield wipers on.   That will get rid of the abomination', says Sister Helen.
  
Sister Catherine switches them on, knocking Dracula about, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.
  
'What shall I do now?', she shouts.
  
'Switch on the windshield washer.  I filled it up with Holy Water at the Vatican ', says Sister Helen.
  
Sister Catherine turns on the windshield washer.
  
Dracula screams as the water burns his skin, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.
  
'Now what?', shouts Sister Catherine.
  
'Show him your cross', says Sister Helen.
  
'Now you're talking', says Sister Catherine.
  
She opens the window and shouts, 'Get the fuck off the car!'

retroken



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a guy is late for an appointement in the city, a very important appointment

he can't find a parking space and is beginning to get frantic as he circles the building

in desperation he looks up to the Heavens and says "God, if you give me a parking space I'll go to church every sunday and quit drinking!"

just as he ends his plea a space appears right in front of the building

the guy quickly looks up again and yells "never mind, I got one!"

lobo316



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A teacher asked Johnny to use 'urinate' in a sentence.
Said Johnny: "You're an 8 but if ya had big tits you'd be a 10".

 

beejmi
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A blonde and a brunette are sitting in a bar watching the 11 O'clock news when there was a report of a man standing on a window ledge threatening to jump.


"20 Bucks say he will jump" said the brunette. "OK, you are on!" said the blonde. Just at that moment the man jumps and is splattered all over the side walk. "Here is your 20 Bucks" said the blonde. The brunette took the money without saying a word.

About 30 minutes later, the brunette hands the blonde the money and says: "Here, I can't take your money. I already saw the guy jump at the 6 O'clock news." Whereas the blonde exclaimed:"Me too! I really did not think that he was going to do it again!!!!"

beejmi
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I was at my bank today; there was a short line. Just one lady in
front of me, an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for dollars.

It was obvious she was a little irritated....

She asked the teller, 'Why it change? Yesterday, I get
two hunat dolla fo yen. Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?'

The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, 'Fluctuations.'

The Asian lady says, 'Fluc you white people too!'

beejmi
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Joe is sitting on a train across from a busty blonde wearing a tiny mini skirt.

Despite his efforts, he is unable to stop staring at the top of her thighs. To his delight, he realises she has gone without underwear.

The blonde realises he is staring and inquires, "Are you looking at my pussy?"

"Yes, I'm sorry," says Joe and promises to avert his eyes.

"It's quite alright," replies the woman, "It's very talented, watch this, I'll make it blow a kiss to you."

Sure enough the pussy blows him a kiss.

Joe, who is completely absorbed, inquires what else the wonder pussy can do.

"I can also make it wink," says the woman. Joe stares in amazement as the pussy winks at him.

"Come and sit next to me," suggests the woman, patting the seat. Joe moves over and is asked, "Would you like to stick a couple of fingers in?"

Stunned, Joe replies, "Good grief! Can it whistle, too?"

beejmi
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A cowboy from Anaconda walked into a drug store in Butte and asked to
talk to a male Pharmacist.

The elderly woman he was talking to said that she was the Pharmacist and
as she and her also widowed elderly sister owned the Store, there were
no males employed there.

She then asked if she could help the gentlemen.

The cowpoke said that this was something that he would be much more
comfortable discussing this with a male pharmacist.

The female pharmacist assured him that she was completely professional
and whatever it was that he needed to discuss, he could be confident
that she would treat him with the highest level of professionalism.

The old Copperhead agreed and began by saying, 'this is tough for me to
discuss, but I have a permanent erection. It causes me a lot of problems
and severe embarrassment, and I was wondering what you could Give me for
it.'

The Butte pharmacist said, 'Just a minute, I'll go talk to my sister.'

When she returned, she said, 'We discussed it at length and the absolute
best we can do is, 1/3 ownership in the store, a company car, and $3,000
a month, plus living expenses.

lobo316



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There were 3 girls on a plane thats about to crash.

The American girl puts on her makeup, "Rescuers will save a beautiful girl first" she said.

French girl opens her bra,"Rescuers will save a girl with beautiful tits."

The African removes her knickers and says "Fuck off, they all ways look for the black box first."

srossi

 

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A man walked into a bar.  He said, "Ouch!"

lobo316



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Three couples went in to see the minister to see how to become members of his church.The minister said that they would have to go without sex for two weeks and then come back and tell him how it went. The first couple was retired, the second couple was middle aged and the final couple were newlyweds. Two weeks went by, and the couples returned to the minister. The retired couple said it was no problem at all. The middle-aged couple said it was tough for the first week, but after that, it was no problem. The newlyweds said it was fine until she dropped the can of paint. "Can of PAINT!" exclaimed the minister. "Yeah," said the newlywed man. "She dropped the can, and when she bent over to pick it up I had to have her right there and then.lust took over." The minister just shook his head and said that they were not welcome in the church."That's okay," said the man. "We're not welcome in Home Depot either."

beejmi
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Little Johnny and his family had a wonderful Christmas morning, everyone was happy. Later on that day Johnnys mom was busy in the kitchen fixing dinner and could hear Johnny out under the tree playing with his new train set. “Choo, Choo, arriving Los-Angeles station! Everybody who needs to get off get the fuck off everyone who needs to get on get the fuck on!”


Johnny’s mom heard this and began to get mad.


“Choo, Choo, arriving Seattle station, Everyone who need to get off get the fuck off, everyone who needs to get on get the fuck on!”


Johnnys mom threw down her spoon and rushed out into the living room, “Johnny, how dare you use that kind of launguage, I know I’ve raised you better than that, you march straight to your room and stay there for an hour and think about what you just said!”


Johnny went to his room and an hour later he came back down and started to play with the train again.


“Choo Choo, arriving Chicago station, everyone who needs to get off,” he paused, “just get off, everyone who needs to get on, get on!”


Little Johnnys mom smiled and thought to herself, “I guess a little good parenting did the trick.”


Little Johnny then went on, “and if anyone needs to know why the trains an hour late ask that cocksucker in the kitchen!”






srossi

 

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During his monthly visit to the corner barbershop, a man asked his barber for any suggestions on how to treat his increasing baldness. After a brief pause, the barber leaned over and confided that the best thing he'd come across was female juices.

"Have a beautiful woman sit on your head," the barber recommended. 

"But you're balder than I am," protested the customer.

"True," said the barber, "but you've gotta admit that I have one hell of a mustache."

lobo316



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Construction worker on the 5th floor of a building needed a handsaw. So he spots another worker on the ground floor and yells down to him, but he can't hear him. So the worker on the 5th floor tries sign language.

He pointed to his eye meaning "I", pointed to his knee meaning "need", then moved his hand back and forth in a hand saw motion. The man on the ground floor nods his head, pulls down his pants, whips out his dick and starts masturbating.

The worker on 5th floor gets so pissed off he runs down to the ground floor and says, "What the fuck is your problem!!! I said I needed a hand saw!".

The other guy says, "I knew that! I was just trying to tell you - I'm coming!"

CanadianHorseman



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My cousin e-mailed me this one today:

A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons, nor prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted, and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the horse's side anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider. Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup; she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over. As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune.....Frank, the Wal-mart greeter, sees her dilemma and unplugs the horse.


beejmi
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A blonde drops off a shirt at the cleaners. The Asian lady says, "Come Again".... The Blonde says, "No it's toothpaste this time nosey bitch

lobo316



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A woman goes shoe-shopping one day. As the salesman is helping her try on shoes he notices she is not wearing panties. He looks at the woman and says, “Man, I’d love to fill that with ice cream and eat it!”
The woman slaps the man and runs home to tell her husband. The husband acts disinterested and his wife gets angry and asks, “Aren’t you going to do anything!?”
The husband replies, “First of all, you have too many shoes as it is. Second, you shouldn’t be out shopping without panties. And third of all, I’m not going to mess with anyone who can eat that much ice cream!”

beejmi
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Guy gets on an elevator and is greeted by a beautiful blonde who says T.G.I.F.!  
 
He looks at her and replies S.H.I.T.!
 
The confused blonde once again says T.G.I.F! in a very frendly voice.
 
Once again the man replies S.H.I.T.! 
 
Clearly upset the blonde says "duh T.G.I.F means for thank goodness its friday"
 
The man replies "   S.H.I.T means sorry honey it's Thursday"

srossi

 

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Q: What are Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon getting for Christmas?

A: Patrick Swayze.

lobo316



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One day, an old lady went to the store to get some food for her dog.

When she got to the counter to pay, the cashier said she needed proof that the old lady had a dog because some old people have been known to just eat the animal food themselves.

So she went home got her puppy, bought it to the store and purchased the dog food.

One week later, she went to get some cat food.

Once again the cashier needed proof that the old lady had a cat.

So she went home, got her cat, came back and purchased the cat food.

Two weeks later, the old lady walked in the same market to buy something .

She held a bag in front of the cashier and told him to put his fingers in the bag and then smell them.

When the cashier did, he said, "It smells like shit ! "

The old lady replied, "It is!  Can I buy some toilet paper now?"

beejmi
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Now how about this one. A rasslin' joke.


 A  Russian and a Redneck wrestler were set to square off for the Olympic
gold medal

Before the final match, the Redneck wrestler's trainer came to him and
said 'Now,don't forget all the research we've done on this
Russian. He's never lost a match becauseof this 'pretzel' hold he has.   

Whatever you do, do not let him get you in that hold!
If he does, you're finished.' The redneck nodded in acknowledgment.

As the match started, the Redneck and the Russian circled
each other several times, looking for an opening. 

All of a sudden, the Russian lunged forward, grabbing the Redneck and
wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold. 

  A sigh of disappointment arose from the crowd and the trainer buried
his face in his hands, for he knew all was  lost. 

 
He couldn't watch the inevitable happen. 

Suddenly,there was a Long, High Pitched Scream, then a cheer
 from the crowd and the trainer raised his eyes just in time to 
 watch the Russian go flying up in the air.   His back hit the mat with a thud and the Redneck collapsed on top of him, making the pin and winning the match. 

 The trainer was astounded. When he finally got his wrestler alone,he asked
'How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before !' 


The wrestler answered 'Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in
that hold but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this
pair of testicles right in front of my face. I had nothing to lose
so with my last ounce of strength, I stretched out my neck and bit
those babies just as hard as I could.' 

The trainer exclaimed 'That's what finished him off ?' 

'Not really. You'd be amazed how strong youget when you bite your own nuts' ! 

lobo316



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A boy in the sixth grade comes home after school one day. His mother notices that he's got a big smile on his face. She asks, "Did anything special happen at school today?"
"Yes, Mom. I had sex with my English teacher!"
The mother is stunned. "You're going to talk about this with your father when he gets home."
Well, when dad comes home and hears the news he is pleased as punch. Beaming with pride, he walks over to his son and says, "Son, I hear you had sex with your English teacher."
"That's right, Dad."
"Well, you became a man today - this is cause for celebration. Let's head out for some ice cream, and then I'll buy that new bike you've been asking for."
"That sounds great, Dad, but I can I have a football instead? My ass is killing me."

CanadianHorseman



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An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, ‘Seven Points.'

His wife rolls over and says, 'What in the world was that?'
The old man replied, 'its fart football.'

A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says ‘Touchdown, tie score.'

After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says,
'Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7.'

Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says,
'Touchdown, tie score.'

Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says,
'Field goal, I lead 17 to 14.' Now the pressure is on the old man.

He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard.
Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally poops in the bed.

The wife says, 'What the hell was that?'

The old man says, 'Half time, switch sides.

CanadianHorseman



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A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon.

As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"

"Yes, I am sure.

The duck is dead," replied the vet.

"How can you be so sure?" she protested.. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room.

He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever.

As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom.

He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room.

A few minutes later he returned with a cat.

The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"

The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150."

Last edited on Sun Jul 19th, 2009 09:45 am by CanadianHorseman

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A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and
while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place.
The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs
some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps onto the pool table, grabs one
of the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's
amazement, somehow swallows it whole.
The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just
did?" The guy says "No, what?"
He just ate the cue ball off my pool table-whole!"
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything
in sight, the little bastard. Sorry. I'll pay for the cue ball and
stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey
ate, then leaves. Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He
orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.
While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry
on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats
it. Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his butt, pulls
it out, and eats it. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks.
"No, what?" replies the guy.
"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his butt, pulled
it out, and ate it!" said the bartender.
Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He still eats
everything in sight, but ever since he had to sh*t out that cue ball,
he measures everything first."

bpickering
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A man was riding his Harley along a California Beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice the Lord said, "Because you have tried to be faithul to me in all ways, I will grant you on wish."

The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii, so I can ride over everytime I want."

The Lord said, "Your request is materialistic, think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking, the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the conrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhoust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard fro me to justify yur desire for worldly thing. Take a little more time and think of something that could prossibly help mankind."

The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, "Lord, I wish that I and all men could understand women. I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, why she snaps and complains when I try to help, and how I can make a woman truly happy."

The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"

bpickering
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On an airplane, a stranger turned to the little girl sitting next to him and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

The little girl, who just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, "What would you like to talk about?"

"Oh, I don't know," said the stranger.  "How about nuclear power?" and he smiles.

"ok," she said. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask your a question first. A horse, a cow and a deer all eat the same stuff-grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps fo dried grass. Why do your suppose that is?"

The stranger, visibly suprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea."

To which  the little girl replies. "Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?"  

lobo316



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A leper walked into a bar and sat down. The bartender glanced over and promptly threw up all over himself and the floor.
The leper looked hurt and said, "Hey, I know I'm not exactly handsome, but I do have feelings and you could be a little sensitive about them."
The bartender, wiping his mouth on his sleeve, looked up and proclaimed, "I'm sorry as hell man, but it's not you. That guy sitting next to you keeps dipping his crackers in your neck."

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"All Puns Intended"


1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything.."

3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.


4. A dyslexic man walked into a bra.

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm, and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

7. "Doc, I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home." "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?" "Well, It's Not Unusual."

8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," says Dolly. "It's true; no bull!" exclaims Daisy.

9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn't find any.

12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know, I amputated your arms!"

13. I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says, "Dam!"

16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Not surprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel, and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office, and asked them to disperse. "But why," they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said. "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

18. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt , and is named 'Ahmal.' The other goes to a family in Spain ; they name him 'Juan.' Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes s he also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him. a super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

20. A dwarf, who was a mystic, escaped from jail. The call went out that there was a small medium at large.

beejmi
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A chicken farmer went to a local bar, sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne. The woman perked up and said, 'How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!'



'What a coincidence' the farmer said. 'This is a special day for me. I am celebrating.' '



This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating,' said the woman.'



'What a coincidence!' said the farmer.



As they clinked glasses he added, 'What are you celebrating?'



'My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my gynecologist told me that I am pregnant!'



'What a coincidence!' said the man. 'I'm a chicken farmer and for years all of my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying fertilized eggs.'



'That's great!' said the woman, 'How did your chickens become fertile?'



'I used a different cock,' he replied.


The woman smiled, clinked his glass

beejmi
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An ugly man walks into his local pub with a big grin on his face.

"What are you so happy about?" asks the barman.

"Well, I'll tell you," replies the ugly man. "You know, I live by the
railroad tracks. Well, on my way home last night, I noticed a young woman
tied to the tracks, like in the films. I, of course, went and cut her
free and took her back to my place. Anyway, to make a long story short, I
scored big time! We made love all night, all over the house. We did
everything, me on top, sometimes her on top, every position imaginable!"

"Fantastic!" exclaimed the barman. "You lucky bastard, was she pretty?"

"Dunno . . . Never found the head!"

beejmi
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An Irish man went to confession in St. Patrick's Catholic Church.


'Father', he confessed, 'it has been one month since my last confession. I had sex with Nookie Green twice last month.'


The priest told the sinner, 'You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary's.'
Soon thereafter, another Irish man entered the confessional. 'Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I've had sex with Nookie Green twice a week for the past two months.'


This time, the priest questioned, 'Who is this Nookie Green?'


'A new woman in the neighborhood,' the sinner replied.


'Very well,' sighed the priest. Go and say ten Hail Mary's.;


At mass the next morning, as the priest prepared to deliver the sermon, a tall,
voluptuous, drop-dead gorgeous redheaded woman entered the sanctuary. The eyes of every man in the church fell upon her as she slowly sashayed up the aisle and sat down right in front of the priest. Her dress was green and very short, and she wore matching, shiny emerald-green shoes.


The priest and the altar boy gasped as the woman in the green dress and matching green shoes sat with her legs spread slightly apart, but just enough to realize she wasn't wearing any underwear.


The priest turned to the altar boy and whispered, 'Is that Nookie Green?'


The bug-eyed altar boy couldn't believe his ears but managed to calmly reply, 'No Father, I think it's just a reflection from her shoes'.

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My cousin sent me this one today:

A photographer on vacation was inside a church taking photographs when he noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read '$10,000 per call'.

The American, being intrigued, asked a priest who was strolling by what the telephone was used for.

The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 you could talk to God.

The American thanked the priest and went along his way.

Next stop was in Atlanta. There, at a very large cathedral, he saw the same golden telephone with the same sign under it.

He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he saw in Orlando and he asked a nearby nun what its purpose was.

She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 he could talk to God.

'O.K., thank you,' said the American.

He then traveled to Indianapolis, Washington, Philadelphia, Boston, and New York.

In every church he saw the same golden telephone with the same '$10,000 per call' sign under it.

The American, upon leaving Vermont decided to travel up to Canada to see if Canadians had the same phone.

He arrived in Canada, and again, in the first church he entered, there was the same golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read '50 cents per call.'

The American was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign. 'Father, I've traveled all over America and I've seen this same golden telephone in many churches. I'm told that it is a direct line to heaven, but in the US the price was$10,000 per call. Why is it so cheap here?'

The priest smiled and answered, 'You're in Canada now, son ... it's a local call.'


 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Last edited on Mon Jul 20th, 2009 06:43 pm by CanadianHorseman

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Bob goes into the public restroom and sees this guy standing next to the urinal. The guy has no arms. As Bob's standing there, taking care of business, he wonders to himself how the poor wretch is going to take a leak.
Bob finishes and starts to leave when the man asks Bob to help him out. Being a kind soul, Bob says, "Ah, OK, sure, I'll help you."
The man asks, "Can you unzip my zipper?"
Bob says, "OK."
Then the man says, "Can you pull it out for me?"
Bob replies, "Uh, yeah, OK."
Bob pulls it out and it has all kinds of mold and red bumps, with hair clumps, rashes, moles, scabs, scars, and reeks something awful. Then the guy asks Bob to point it for him, and Bob points for him. Bob then shakes it, puts it back in and zips it up.
The guy tells Bob, "Thanks, man, I really appreciate it."
Bob says, "No problem, but what the hell's wrong with your penis?"
The guy pulls his arms out of his shirt and says, "I don't know, but I ain't touching it.

beejmi
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A city cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street when a little
girl on her new shiny bike stopped beside him.

'Nice bike,' the cop said, 'Did Santa bring it to you?'

'Yep,' the little girl said, 'he sure did!' 

The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $5 ticket for a safety violation. The cop said, 'Next year tell Santa to put a reflector light on the back of it.'

The young girl looked up at the cop and said, 'Nice horse you got, did
Santa bring it to you?' 

'Yes, he sure did,' chuckled the cop.

The little girl looked up at the cop and said, 'Next year tell Santa
the dick goes underneath the horse, not on top
.'

lobo316



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A man who just got a raise decides to buy a new scope for his rifle. He goes to a rifle shop, and asks the clerk to show him a scope.
The clerk takes out a scope, and says to the man, "This scope is so good, you can see my house all the way up on that hill."
The man takes a look through the scope, and starts laughing.
"What's so funny?" asks the clerk.
"I see a naked man and a naked woman running around in the house." the man replies.
The clerk grabs the scope from the man, and looks at his house. Then he hands two bullets to the man and says, "Here are two bullets, I'll give you this scope for nothing if you take these two bullets, shoot my wife's head off and shoot the guy's dick off."
The man takes another look through the scope and says, "You know what? I think I can do that with one shot!"

beejmi
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A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car  
and was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a blonde. 
 
The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's license. She dug through  
her purse and was getting progressively more agitated. 'What does it  
look like?' she finally asked.. 
 
The policewoman replied, 'It's square and it has your picture on it.' 
 
The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it and  
handed it to the policewoman. 'Here it is,' she said. 
 
The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying,  
'OK, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop.’ 

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There's an elderly man and woman sitting in the sunroom of a retirement home. The old man says to the woman, "For five dollars, I'll have sex with you on that rocking chair over there. For ten dollars, I'll have sex with you on that couch. But for twenty dollars, I'll take you to my room, light a few candles and give you a romantic evening of passion you'll never forget."The woman considers it a moment and then, after fishing through her purse, produces a twenty dollar bill. The man says, "So, you want the romantic night in my room, eh?" The woman replies, "No, I want four times in the rocker."

beejmi
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Two guys were walking down the street when they see a dog sitting on the curb licking his balls.

"Man, I wish I could do that", said one man.

The other man looked at him and said, "Don't you think you should pet him first?"

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A boy is sent to the rabbi for Bar Mitzvah preparation.
During the lesson the boy asks the rabbi "What is fornication"
The rabbi is taken aback but realizes that the boy will soon become a man and decides to show him what it is.
They get in the car and park in front of the Eureka Hotel.
The rabbi spots a whore coming out of the hotel and calls her over. He explains the situation to her and gives her $100 and asks her to show the boy all about sex.
Two hours later the boy comes out of the hotel smiling broadly.
The rabbi asked the boy why he asked for the meaning of fornication.

The boy says "Last night we were talking about the Bar Mitzvah and my mother said that for an occasion like that we should have an orchestra."

beejmi
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A lesson on how consultants can make a difference in an organization. 

Last week, we took some friends to a new restaurant, 'Steve's Place,' and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. 
It seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I observed that he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. 

Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup I inquired, 'Why the spoon?' 

'Well, 'he explained, 'the restaurant's owner hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all of our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. 

If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift.' 

As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he replaced it with his spare. 'I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now.' I was impressed. 

I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly. 

Looking around, I saw that all of the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So, before he walked off, I asked the waiter, 'Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?' 

'Oh, certainly!' Then he lowered his voice. 'Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also learned that we can save time in the restroom. 

By tying this string to the tip of our you-know-what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39%. 

I asked quietly, 'After you get it out, how do you put it back?' 

'Well,' he whispered, 'I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon.'

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A cucumber and a pickle are having a conversation and the pickle says to the cucumber, "You know my life really sucks. Whenever I get big, fat and juicy they sprinkle seasonings over me and stick me in a jar."

So the cucumber says, "Yeah, you think that's bad ... whenever I get big, fat and juicy they slice me up and they put me over salad."

So this penis is walking by and overhears their conversation and says, "You think that your life is tough? Whenever I get big, fat and juicy, they put a plastic bag over my head, stick me in a dark smelly room and make me do push ups until I throw up!"

beejmi
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Ten Thoughts to Ponder for 2010

Number 10

Life is sexually transmitted.
 

Number 9
 
Good health is merely the slowest

 possible rate at which one can die. 

Number 8
 
Men have two emotions:
 
Hungry and Horny. If you see him without

 an erection, make him a sandwich. 

Number 7
 
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day,
 

teach a person to use the Internet 
and they won't bother you for weeks. 

Number 6
 
Some people are like a Slinky
... 
Not really good for anything,

but you still can't help but smile 
when you shove them down the stairs. 

Number 5
 
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday,
 
lying in hospitals dying of nothing.. 

Number 4
 
All of us could take a lesson from the weather.
 
It pays no attention to Criticism. 

Number 3
 
Why does a slight tax increase cost you $200.00
 
and a substantial tax cut saves you $30.00? 

Number 2
 
In the 60's,
 people took acid to make the world weird. 
Now the world is Weird and people 

take Prozac to make it normal.


And The Number 1 Thought For 2009
 : 
" Life is like a jar of Jalapeno peppers 
What you do today, might Burn Your Ass Tomorrow"

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A young Jewish couple had only recently set up housekeeping when an unfortunate incident occurred. Early one morning, the wife, drowsy from bed, went to the toilet to pee and neglected to notice that the seat was up. When she sat, she kept going!

She was just the right size and shape so that she became jammed into the toilet past her waist with her legs sticking straight up in front of her. She cried for her husband, who rushed in, and for the next hour tried desperately to free her.

In this process, they removed her sleeping gown, but this only left her naked and still stuck, with a particular part of her anatomy prominently visible between her splayed legs. Finally, the couple resolved to call a plumber, despite the embarrassing nature of their problem.

When the plumber arrived, the young man let him in, but as they were walking to the bathroom, the young man realized that his wife was exposed in a very compromising and humiliating way. Thinking fast, he ran ahead of the plumber and placed the first thing he could think of, his yarmulke skull cap, over his wife's exposed privates.

The plumber walked into the bathroom, took one long look, and commented: "Well, I think I can save your wife, buddy, but
the Rabbi's a goner."

Last edited on Sun Sep 20th, 2009 02:25 pm by lobo316

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lobo316 wrote: A young Jewish couple had only recently set up housekeeping when an unfortunate incident occurred. Early one morning, the wife, drowsy from bed, went to the toilet to pee and neglected to notice that the seat was up. When she sat, she kept going!

She was just the right size and shape so that she became jammed into the toilet past her waist with her legs sticking straight up in front of her. She cried for her husband, who rushed in, and for the next hour tried desperately to free her.

In this process, they removed her sleeping gown, but this only left her naked and still stuck, with a particular part of her anatomy prominently visible between her splayed legs. Finally, the couple resolved to call a plumber, despite the embarrassing nature of their problem.

When the plumber arrived, the young man let him in, but as they were walking to the bathroom, the young man realized that his wife was exposed in a very compromising and humiliating way. Thinking fast, he ran ahead of the plumber and placed the first thing he could think of, his yarmulke skull cap, over his wife's exposed privates.

The plumber walked into the bathroom, took one long look, and commented: "Well, I think I can save your wife, buddy, but

:shock: DAMMIT - how does this joke end ?????????????

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CanadianHorseman wrote: lobo316 wrote: A young Jewish couple had only recently set up housekeeping when an unfortunate incident occurred. Early one morning, the wife, drowsy from bed, went to the toilet to pee and neglected to notice that the seat was up. When she sat, she kept going!

She was just the right size and shape so that she became jammed into the toilet past her waist with her legs sticking straight up in front of her. She cried for her husband, who rushed in, and for the next hour tried desperately to free her.

In this process, they removed her sleeping gown, but this only left her naked and still stuck, with a particular part of her anatomy prominently visible between her splayed legs. Finally, the couple resolved to call a plumber, despite the embarrassing nature of their problem.

When the plumber arrived, the young man let him in, but as they were walking to the bathroom, the young man realized that his wife was exposed in a very compromising and humiliating way. Thinking fast, he ran ahead of the plumber and placed the first thing he could think of, his yarmulke skull cap, over his wife's exposed privates.

The plumber walked into the bathroom, took one long look, and commented: "Well, I think I can save your wife, buddy, but

:shock: DAMMIT - how does this joke end ?????????????


 

Damn, forgot to include the punchline. Call it a joke cliffhanger. I've edited the post.

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A woman asks her husband, 'Would you like some bacon and eggs, a slice
of toast, and maybe some grapefruit and coffee?'

He declines. 'Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now. It's this
Viagra,' he says. 'It's really taken the edge off my appetite.'

At lunchtime she asks him if he would like something . . . . . 'a bowl of
soup, homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich?'

He declines. 'The Viagra,' he says, 'really trashes my desire for food.'

Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat. 'Would you like a
juicy rib eye steak and scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a rotisserie chicken

He declines again . . . . . 'No,' he says, 'it's got to be the Viagra . . .
. . I'm still not hungry.' . . . . .

'Well,' she says, 'Would you mind letting me up? I'm starving.'

beejmi
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Question: What's the main problem with Barack Obama jokes?

Answer: His followers don't think they're funny and everyone else doesn't think they're jokes.

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A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"

The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and suck your tits dry."
Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"

He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."

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The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.

Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, 'Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see? '

'The Lone Ranger replies, 'I see millions of stars.'

'What that tell you?' asked Tonto.

The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, 'Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What's it tell you, Tonto?'

'You dumber than buffalo shit. It means someone stole the tent.

beejmi
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Redneck Medical Terminology
* Artery......................The study of paintings.
* Benign.......................
What you be after you be eight.
* Bacteria....................
Back door to cafeteria.
* Barium......................
What doctors do when patients die.
* Cesarean Section..........
A neighborhood in Rome.
* Catscan......................
Searching for Kitty.
* Cauterize...................
Made eye contact with her.
* Colic........................
A sheep dog.
* Coma.......................
A punctuation mark.
* D&C..........................
Where Washington is.
* Dilate........................
To live long.
* Enema........................
Not a friend.
* Fester........................Quicker than someone else.
* Fibula.......................
A small lie.
* Genital.....................
Non-Jewish person.
* G.I.Series..................
World Series of military baseball.
* Hangnail....................
What you hang your coat on.
* Impotent...................
Distinguished, well known.
* Labor Pain.................
Getting hurt at work.
* Medical Staff..............
A Doctor's cane.
* Morbid......................
A higher offer than I bid.
* Nitrates....................
Cheaper than day rates.
* Node.........................
I knew it.
* Outpatient..................
A person who has fainted.
* Pap Smear.................
A fatherhood test.
* Pelvis.......................
Second cousin to Elvis.
* Post Operative............
A letter carrier.
* Recovery Room...........
Place to do upholstery.
* Rectum....................
Darn near killed him.
* Secretion..................
Hiding something
* Seizure.....................
Roman emperor.
* Tablet......................
A small table.
* Terminal Illness...........
Getting sick at the airport.
* Tumor.......................
More than one.
* Urine........................
Opposite of you're out
* Varicose....................Near by

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How Many Sports & Wrestling Forum Users Does it Take to Change a Light Bulb ????                                                                                                                

- 1 to change the bulb
- 1 to post and announce that the bulb was changed
- 14 to share similar experiences and to show new ways to change light bulbs
- 7 to warn of dangers arising from changing light bulbs
- 27 to correct grammatical errors that appeared in posts about changing light bulbs
- 53 to make fun of those who corrected the grammar mistakes
- 2 professionals to specify that the term is incorrect, it should be called a "lamp"
- 15 who allegedly worked in the field and the word "light bulb" is as correct as "lamp"
- 49 who say that the forum is not about light bulbs and the discussion should be moved to a forum about light bulbs
- 71 who say that as long as all use light bulbs, the discussion is useful on the forum
- 36 to discuss which are the best ways to change the light bulbs, which are best, where you can buy and how much they cost.
- 27 to post links to sites where they can see various models of light bulbs
- 14 to say that the links are incorrect and post the correct ones
- 33 to quote what was posted up in the thread and answer each one with "ME TOO"
- 6 to correct users and push them to use the forum search function
- 12 to post to the forum they finally quit because of divergences on the subject about light bulbs
- 23 to say "search on Google first and if you can not find anything about light bulbs then ask on the forum"
- 16 posts where two members discuss something totally different than the subject at hand
- 24 posts that are indications to use private messaging or e-mail
- 1 moderator to warn that if this does not stop he will close the topic
- 1 new member of the Forum responds 6 months after the last post and all starts again from the beginning

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Rosie O'Donnell was touring the countryside in a chauffeur-driven car. Suddenly, a cow jumps out onto the road. They hit it full on and the car comes to a stop. Rosie in her usual charming manner, says to the chauffeur: “You get out and check - you were driving”.
The chauffeur gets out, checks and reports that the animal is dead. “You were driving; go and tell the farmer”, says Rosie.
Five hours later, the chauffeur returns totally plastered, hair ruffled with a big grin on his face.
“My god, what happened to you?” asks Rosie. The chauffeur replies, “When I got there, the farmer opened his best bottle of malt whisky, the wife cooked  me a great meal and the daughter made love to me”.
“What on earth did you say?” asks Rosie. “I knocked on the door, and when it was answered, I said to them, “I'm Rosie O'Donnell's chauffeur and I've just killed the cow”.

beejmi
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Ashley walked into the White House for the first day of her internship and was greeted by the President. After a tour, he asked, "Would you like to see the Presidential Clock?"

Ashley got suspicious and said, "I've heard certain things about you, Mr. President, and I don't think that would be a smart idea."

"Nonsense," said the President. "It's just a clock." Ashley reluctantly agreed. The President led her to an empty Oval Office, closed the door, dropped his pants and pulled it out.

In a surprised tone, Ashley said, "That's not the Presidential Clock; it's the Presidential Cock."

The President responded, "Ashley, honey, put a face and two hands on it, and it's a clock."

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Maybe this will entertain you, a concentration camp joke. And you can tell it, too.

Basically, all you have to do is to say the following when people talk about the holocaust.

"I am deeply offended by this - my grandfather died in a concentration camp...."

Everybody else will have a shocked look on their face. Then you continue

"... he fell from his watchtower in a drunken stupor".

Then just look at the jaws of all the other people drop. Then say its just a joke. Hilarity ensues in one way or another.

beejmi
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"Concentration Camp" humor is very under-rated

srossi

 

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beejmi wrote: "Concentration Camp" humor is very under-rated
Where's Hogan's Heroes when you need it.

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Well, if you want concentration camp humor,.........

Hitler was inspecting one of his camps when he spotted a Jew playing
with an ashtray.
Asked Adolph:"Looking for someone ? "

khawk
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lobo316 wrote: Well, if you want concentration camp humor,.........

Hitler was inspecting one of his camps when he spotted a Jew playing
with an ashtray.
Asked Adolph:"Looking for someone ? "



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lobo316 wrote: Well, if you want concentration camp humor,.........




Already used this one on page 3 but since we are on the topic:

Hitler and a friend walk into a bar and Hitler waves the bartender over. He says: give me 2 shots of your best cognac. Hell - pour yourself one too. So the bartender pours out 3 glasses and they all down the cognac. Hitler immediately orders another round of drinks. The bartender says to Hitler: I don't want to seem nosy but it looks like you're celebrating something tonight. Hitler smiles and says: you're right. Tomorrow I'm going to kill 10,000 Jews and 5 musicians. The bartender looks puzzled and says: 5 musicians ??? Why the hell are you going to kill 5 musicians ???  Hitler then turns to his friend and says: see - nobody cares about the Jews.







 

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What did Tiger Woods’ wife do with the leftover turkey from Thanksgiving dinner? She made him a club sandwich.

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There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to
process all the mail that had illegible addresses.

One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God
with no actual address. He thought he should open it to see what it was
about.

The letter read:

Dear God,

I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension.

Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was
all the money I had until my next pension payment.

Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends
over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with, have
no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me?

Sincerely, Edna

The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the
other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few
dollars.

By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which they
put into an envelope and sent to the woman.


The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking
of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.

Christmas came and went.

A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God.

All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened.

It read:

Dear God,

How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me?

Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious
dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your
wonderful gift.

By the way, there was $4 missing.

I think it might have been those bastards at the post office.

Sincerely, Edna

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Hung Chow calls his work and says, "Hey, I no come wok today, I really sick. Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come work."

The boss says, "You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel sick like you do, I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes everything better and I go to work. You try that."

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. "I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon.........You got nice house".


beejmi
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Lady walks into Tiffany's. She looks around, spots a beautiful
diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to look more closely, she unexpectedly farts.

Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone noticed her little woops and prays that a salesperson was not anywhere near.** As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a salesman standing right behind her. Good looking as well. Cool as a cucumber, he displays all of the qualities one would expect of a professional in a store like Tiffany's.
He politely greets the lady with, 'Good day, Madam. How may we help you today?'

Blushing & uncomfortable, but still hoping that the salesman
somehow missed her little 'incident', she asks, 'Sir, what is the price of this lovely bracelet?'

He answers, "Madam.. if you farted just looking at it - you're going to shit when I tell you the price.

beejmi
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How do you turn a dishwasher into a snowblower?

Give the bitch a shovel

lobo316



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Stingmark is in line at the Super Market when he notices a hot blonde

behind him has just raised her hand and smiled hello to him.

 

He is stunned that such a hottie would be waving to him, and although

familiar he can't place where he might know her from, so he says "sorry do you know me?"

 

She replies "I maybe mistaken, but I thought you might be the father of

one of my children!"

 

His mind shoots back to the one and only time he has been unfaithful,

"Christ!" he says "are you that stripper at my bachelor party that I had on the pool table in front of all my friends, while your partner whipped me with some wet celery and stuck a cucumber up my ass?"

 

"No" she replies, "I'm your son's English Teacher"

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A first grade teacher explains to her class that she is a New York Yankees fan. She asks her students to raise their hands if they were Yankee fans, too. Not really knowing what a Yankee fan was, but wanting to be like their teacher, hands explode into the air.

There is, however, one exception. A girl named Lucy has not gone along with the crowd.

The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different. "Because I'm not a Yankees fan."

"Then," asks the teacher, "what are you?"

"Why I'm proud to be a Red Sox fan.", boasts the little girl.

The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red.

She asks Lucy why she is a Red Sox fan. "Well, My Dad and Mom are Red Sox fans, and I'm a Red Sox fan, too!"

The teacher is now angry. "That's no reason," she says loudly. "What if your mom was a moron, and your dad was a moron, what would you be then?" A pause, and a smile.

"Then," says Lucy, "I'd be a Yankees fan."

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An Italian, a Scotsman and a Chinese man, are hired at a Construction site. The foreman points out a huge pile of sand.

He says to the Italian guy, "You're in charge of sweeping."

To the Scotsman he says, "You're in charge of shoveling."

And to the Chinese guy, "You're in charge of supplies."

He then says, "Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you men to make a dent in that pile of sand."

So when the foreman returns after being away for a couple of hours the pile of sand is untouched.

He asks the Italian, "Why didn't you sweep any of it?"

The Italian replies, "I no hava no broom. You saida to the Chinesea fella that he a wasa ina charge of supplies, but he hasa disappeared and I no coulda finda him nowhere."

Then the foreman turns to the Scotsman and says "And you, I thought I told you to shovel this pile."

The Scotsman replies, "Aye, that ye did laddie, boot ah could nae get meself a shoovel. Ye left th' Chinese gadgie in chairge of supplies, boot ah couldna fin' him neither."

The foreman is really angry now. He storms off toward the pile of sand to look for the Chinese gent.

Just then, the Chinese man leaps out from behind the pile of sand and yells, "SUPPLIES!!!!"

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A trucker is driving down the road in Boston and spots two guys wearing New York Yankees jerseys walking on the side of the road. He swerves at the last second intentionally and hits them both. One goes flying into someone's front yard and the other comes flying in through his windshield and lands in the passenger seat. A cop witnesses what happens and pulls him over.
"You hit those two guys"
"Yeah I know, I guess you'll need to make an arrest right?"
"You bet, I'll charge one for trespassing and one for breaking and entering!"

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Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. He's got two large bags over his shoulders. The guard stops him and says, "What's in the bags?"

"Sand," answers Juan.

The guard says,"We'll just see about that get off the bike."

The guard takes the bags and rips them apart; he empties them out and finds nothing in them but sand.

He detains Juan overnight and has the sand analyzed,only to discover that there is nothing in the bags.

The guard releases Juan,puts the sand into new bags,hefts them onto the man's shoulders, and lets him cross the border.

A week later, the same thing happens. The guard asks, "What have you got?"

"Sand," says Juan.

The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand.He gives the sand back to Juan, who crosses the border on his bicycle.

This sequence of events is repeated every week for three years. Finally, Juan doesn't show up one day and the guard meets him in a cantina in Mexico.

"Hey, Buddy," says the guard, "I know you are smuggling something. It's driving me crazy. It's all I think about. I can't sleep.Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?"

Juan sips his beer and says, "Bicycles."

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Why do the Minnesota Vikings eat cereal from a plate?

Because whenever they get close to a bowl, they choke.

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A young husband and wife were sunning on a nude beach when a wasp buzzed into the woman’s vagina. The husband covered her with a coat, pulled on his shorts, carried her to the car and made a dash to the hospital. After examining her, the doctor explained that the wasp was too far in to be reached with forceps. He suggested the husband try to entice it out by putting honey on his penis, penetrating her and withdrawing as soon as he felt the wasp. The man agreed to try, but because he was so nervous, he couldn’t rise to the occasion. “if neither of you objects,” the medic said, “I could give it a try.”

Under the circumstances, the husband and wife both agreed. The doctor quickly undressed, slathered on some honey and mounted the woman. The husband watched with increasing alarm as the doctor’s thrusts continued for several long minutes. “Hey, what the hell is happening?”

“Change of plans…” The physician panted. “I’m going to drown the little bastard!”

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Anybody here heard the new Haitian Boy band?

Its called The New Blocks on the Kids

beejmi
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Three Guys Get Married

The 1st man married a woman from OHIO. He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the 3rd day, he came home to a clean house and dishes washed and put away.

The 2nd man married a woman from VERMONT. He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and the cooking. The 1st day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the 3rd day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done and there was a huge meal on the table.

The 3rd man married a woman from TEXAS. He ordered her to keep the house clean, dishes washed,lawn mowed, laundry washed,and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the 1st day he didn't see anything, the 2nd day he didn't see anything, but by the 3rd day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher. 

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Two deaf people get married. During the first week of marriage, they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn off the lights because they can’t see each other using sign language. After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife decides to find a solution. “Honey…” she signs, “Why don’t we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don’t want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time.” The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife, “Great idea! Now if you want to have sex with me, reach over and pull on my penis one time. If you don’t want to have sex, reach over and pull on my penis… 75 times.”

beejmi
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 A sweet grandmother telephoned St. Joseph 's Hospital. She timidly asked, "Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?"
 
 
The operator said, "I'll be glad to help, dear. What's the name and room number of the patient?"
 
 
The grandmother in her weak, tremulous voice said, "Norma Findlay, Room 302.."The operator replied, "Let me put you on hold while I check with the nurse's station for that room."
 

After a few minutes, the operator returned to the phone and said, "I have good news. Her nurse just told me that Norma is doing well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back normal and her physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged  tomorrow."
 
The grandmother said, "Thank you. That's wonderful. I was so worried. God bless you for the good  news."
 
The operator replied, "You're more than  welcome. Is Norma your daughter?"
 
The grandmother said, "No, I'm Norma Findlay in Room 302. No one tells me shit."

beejmi
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Why is the space between a woman's breasts and her hips called a waist?

Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there.

lobo316



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A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said; "I'm sorry, your duck (Donald) has passed away." The distressed woman wailed; "Are you sure?" "Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead." replied the vet. "How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around, and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table, and sniffed the duck from top to bottom.

He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot.

The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly, and strolled out of the room. The vet looked at the woman and said; "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck." The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried; "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!?" The vet shrugged; "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but... with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150."

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A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet, and have a dinner with her parents.

Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time..

The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms.. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.

At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack..
The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door.

"Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.

10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.

Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, 'I had no idea you were this religious.'


The boy turns, and whispers back, 'I had no idea your father was a pharmacist..'

lobo316



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A woman posts an ad in the newspaper that looks like this… “Looking for man with these qualifications: won’t beat me up, or run away from me, and is great in bed.”

She got lots of phone calls replying to her ad but one in particular stood out. After giving the man her address, he came to her house. She opening the door for him and the man said, “Hi, I’m Bob. I have no arms so I won’t beat you up and no legs so I won’t run away.”

So the lady says, “What makes you think you are great in bed?”

Bob replies, “I rang the door bell didn’t I?”

beejmi
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How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
Marry It!


What is the difference between a battery and a woman?

A battery has a positive side.


What are the three fastest means of communication?

1) Television
2) Telephone
3) Telawoman


How are fat girls and mopeds alike?

They're both fun to ride until your friends find out.



What should you give a woman who has everything?

A man to show her how to work it.



How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?

Put a nipple on it.



Why do women rub their eyes when they wake up?

Because they don't have balls to scratch.



What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?

Nothing, she's been told twice already.



If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you

done wrong?

Made her chain too long



How many men does it take to open a beer?

None. It should be opened when she brings it.



Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?

Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably
never be able to support you.



Why do women have smaller feet than men?

It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows them to stand closer
to the kitchen sink.



How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?

When she starts a sentence with 'A man once told me...'



How do you fix a woman's watch?

You don't. There is a clock on the oven.



Why do men pass gas more than women?

Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required
pressure.



If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the

front door, who do you let in first?

The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.



What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?

A woman who won't do what she's told



I married a Miss Right.

I just didn't know her first name was Always.



Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by

90%..

It's called a Wedding Cake.



Why do men die before their wives?

They want to.



Women will never be equal to men..

until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and
still think they are sexy.



I
n the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

beejmi
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A woman is standing nude looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly... I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.

lobo316



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A depressed young woman was so desperate that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. When she went down to the docks to end it all, a handsome young sailor noticed her tears, took pity on her, and said, “Look, you’ve got a lot to live for. I’m off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I’ll take good care of you and bring you food every day.” Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, “I’ll keep you happy, and you’ll keep me happy.”

The girl nodded yes, after all, what did she have to lose? That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn.

Three weeks later, during a routine search, she was discovered by the captain. “What are you doing here?” the captain asked. She got up off the ground and explained, “I have an arrangement with one of the sailors. He’s taking me to Europe, and he’s screwing me.”

The captain looked at her, “He sure is lady, this is the Staten Island Ferry.”

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Two old people, a man and a woman, walk into a hospital. The doctor says to the old man, "I'll need a urine sample, a feces sample, and a blood sample." The old man says, "What?" So the doctor says it again. Once again the old man says, "what?" So the doctor yells it, "I NEED A URINE SAMPLE, A FECES SAMPLE, AND A BLOOD SAMPLE!" With that the old woman turns to the old man and says, "He needs a pair of your underwear!"

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.
So a train hits a bus full of Catholic school girls...
 ...... and they all perish.They are in heaven trying too enter the pearly gates when St.Peter asks the first girl,'Tami, have you ever had contact with a male naughty organ?'She giggles and shyly replies,Well I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger.'He says okay dip the tip of your finger in the holy water and pass through the gates. He asks the next girl the same question she says well I once fondled and stroked one,he says okay dip your whole hand in the holy water and pass through the gates.

All of a sudden there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls. One pushes her way to the front of the line. When she gets there he asks,Lacy what seems to be the rush? She says 'if I'm going to have to gargle that Holy Water I want to do it before Sarah sticks her ass in it!!!

beejmi
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Oprah was driving outside of Chicago and got lost.  She saw a police officer and stopped and asked him, "How do I get to 294?" 



The officer responded: "Lose 50 pounds"

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One day, a family of a mother and two boys, Timmy and Tommy, were riding in their car on the way to church. Timmy leaned over, smacked Tommy across the head, and Tommy yelled out "Ouch you fucking wanker!" later that day in church, the mom went to talk to the priest. she said "Father, my boys just won't stop swearing and I don't know what to do." the priest says "Well, have you tried smacking them?" she said "No, doesn't the church look down on that?" the priest says "Well, yes, but in some cases we'll make an exception." The next day, the two boys come down for breakfast and she asks Tommy what he wants for breakfast. Tommy says "Well, gimme some fucking waffles." The mom backhands Tommy so hard, he flies out of his chair and lands against the door. shocked and terrified by this, Timmy becomes very quiet. his mother asks him what he wants for breakfast, and his reply was "Well you can bet your sweet ass I don't want no fucking waffles!"

Benlen



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A woman walks into an accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes.

The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask you a few questions."

He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and then asks,"What's your occupation?"

"I'm a prostitute," she says.

The accountant is somewhat taken aback and says, " Let's try to rephrase that."

The woman says, "OK, I'm a high-end call girl".
"No, that still won't work. Try again."

They both think for a minute; then the woman says, "I'm an elite chicken farmer."

The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a prostitute?"

"Well, I raised a thousand little peckers last year."

lobo316



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Dr. Delaware, one bright sunny morning, turns to his lovely wife, "Wife, we're going fishing this weekend, you, me and the dog."
The wife grimaces, "But I don't like fishing!"
"Look! We're going fishing and that's final."
"Do I have to go fishing with you... I really don't want to go!"
"Right I'll give you three choices... 1 You come fishing with me and the dog... 2 You give me a BLOW JOB.... 3 or you take it up the ass!"
The wife grimaces again, "But I don't want to do any of those things!"
"Wife I've given you three options.. You'll HAVE to do one of them! I'm going to the garage to sort out my fishing tackle, when I come back I expect you to have made up your mind!"
The wife sits and thinks about it.
Twenty minutes later her husband comes back, "Well! What have you decided? FISHING with me and the dog, BLOW JOB, or ass?"
The wife complains some more and finally makes up her mind, "O.K. I'll give you a blow job!"
"Great!" He says and drops his pants. The wife is on her knees doing the business. Suddenly she stops, looks up at her Husband, "Oh! It tastes absolutely disgusting... It tastes all shitty!"
"Yes!" says her husband "The dog didn't want to go fishing either."

beejmi
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The Irish daughter had not been home for over five yrs. Upon her return, her father cursed her saying,"Where have ye been all this time, child? Why did ye not write, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Momma thru?"

The girl cryin', replied,"Sniff...Dad...I became a prostitute..."

"Ye what? Out of here ye shameless hussie! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this Catholic family!"

"OK, Dad---As ye wish, but I just came back to give Mum this fur coat, title deed to a 10 bedroom mansion plus a $5million savings certificate. For me little brother, this gold Rolex. And for ye, Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes Conv. parked outside and a membership to the Country Club. And an invitation for all ye to spend New Years Eve on board my new Yacht in the Riviera.

"Now what was it ye said ye had become?" asks Dad.

Girl cryin' again," Sniff,sniff...a prostitute, Daddy! Sniff,Sniff"

"Oh, Be Jesus! Ya scared me half to death, Girl....I thought ye said Protestant. Come give ole Dad a hug!!!!!

lobo316



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A bear walks into a bar in Billings, Montana and sits down. He bangs on the bar with his paw and demands a beer.
The bartender approaches and says,

"We don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings "

The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a beer.

The bartender tells him again, more forcefully,

"We don't serve beer to belligerent bears in bars in Billings."

The bear, very angry now, says,

"If you don't serve me a beer, I'm going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar."

The bartender says,

"Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings"

The bear goes to the end of the bar, and, as promised, eats the woman. He comes back to his seat and again demands a beer.

The bartender states,

"Sorry, but we especially don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings who are on drugs."

The bear looks at him quizzically and says, "I'm not on drugs."

The bartender says, "You are now. That was a barbitchyouate."

lobo316



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A husband emerged from the bathroom naked and was climbing into bed when his wife complained, as usual, "I have a headache."

"Perfect" her husband said. "I was just in the bathroom powdering my penis with aspirin.You can take it orally or as a suppository,... it's up to you!"

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Locals are worried as a bomb is found outside a mosque

The police make a statement: "Don't worry, we pushed it inside"

beejmi
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Toward the end of the golf course, Dave somehow managed to hit his ball into the woods finding it in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups.

Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up thrashing just about every buttercup in the patch.

All of a sudden . . . POOF! In a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared. She said, "I’m Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups? Just for that, you won’t have any butter for your popcorn the rest of your life; better still; you won’t have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life... as a matter of fact, you won’t have any butter for anything the rest of your life!"

THEN POOF! She was gone.

After Dave got hold of himself, he hollered for his friend, Fred. "Fred, where are you?"

Fred yells back, "I’m over here, in the pussy willows."

Dave yells back... "DON’T SWING, FRED!!! For the love of God, DON’T SWING!!!"

beejmi
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Why can't Helen Keller drive?
 
Because she's a women

beejmi
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Wandering around the Fairgrounds, a man enters a fortune-tellers tent.
"I see you're the father of two."says the seer gazing into her crystal ball.
"Ha, that's what you think," says the man scornfully. "I'm the father of three,"
"Ha!!!"says the fortune-teller. "That's what you think."

lobo316



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A man buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool. After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant, and calls a vet for help.
The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination. The guy doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and will, instead, lay down and wallow in grass when they are pregnant.
The Man hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the sheep. So, he loads the sheep into his truck, drives them out into the outback, has sex with them all, brings them back and goes to bed. Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he deduces that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the truck again. He drives them out to the outback, bangs each sheep twice for good measure, brings them back and goes to bed. Next morning, he wakes to find the sheep still just standing around. One more try, he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up and drive them out to the outback. He spends all day shagging the sheep and, upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed.
The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look at the sheep. He asks his wife to look out and tell him if the sheep are laying in the grass.

No," she says, "they're all in the truck and one of them is honking the horn."

Last edited on Wed Apr 14th, 2010 05:49 pm by lobo316

CanadianHorseman



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lobo316 wrote: A man buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool. After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant, and calls a vet for help.
The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination. The guy doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and will, instead, lay down and wallow in grass when they are pregnant.
The Man hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the sheep. So, he loads the sheep into his truck, drives them out into the outback, has sex with them all, brings them back and goes to bed. Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he deduces that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the truck again. He drives them out to the outback, bangs each sheep twice for good measure, brings them back and goes to bed. Next morning, he wakes to find the sheep still just standing around. One more try, he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up and drive them out to the outback. He spends all day shagging the sheep and, upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed.
The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look at the sheep. He asks his wife to look out and tell him if the sheep are laying in the grass.

No," she says, "they're all in the truck and one of them is honking the horn."

That's baaaaaaaaaaaaad.

Benlen



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A Mexican, an Arab, and a Michigan girl are in the same bar. When the Mexican finishes his beer, he throws his glass in the air, pulls out his pistol, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, 'In Mexico , our glasses are so cheap we don't need to drink with the same one twice.'
The Arab, obviously impressed by this, drinks non-alcohol beer (cuz he's a muslim!), throws it into the air, pulls out his AK-47, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, 'In the Arab World, we have so much sand to make glasses that we don't need to drink with the same one twice either.'
The Michigan girl, cool as a cucumber, picks up her beer, downs it in one gulp, throws the glass into the air, whips out her 45, and shoots the Mexican and the Arab. Catching her glass, setting it on the bar, and calling for a refill, she says, 'In Michigan , we have so many illegal aliens that we don't have to drink with the same ones twice.'

lobo316



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Larry gets home late one night and his wife, Linda, says, "Where in the hell have you been?"

Larry replies, "I was out getting a tattoo."

"A tattoo?" she frowned. "What kind of tattoo did you get?"

"I got a hundred dollar bill on my dick," he said proudly.

"What the hell were you thinking?" she said, shaking her head in disdain. "Why on earth would an accountant get a hundred Dollar bill tattooed on his dick?"

"Well, one, I like to watch my money grow. Two, once in a while I like to play with my money. Three, I like how money feels in my hand. And, lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want."

beejmi
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A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.

 

Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.

 

She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

 

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.

 

For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well .

 

Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really
good job, and the ranch looks great.

You should go into town and kick up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.

 

One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return.

 

Two o'clock and no hired hand.

 

Finally he returned a round two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.

 

She quietly called him over to her..

 

"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.

 

Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots."

 

He did as she asked, ever so slowly.. "Now take off my socks."

 

He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her feet.

 

"Now take off my skirt."

 

He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly  watching her eyes in the fire light.

 

"Now take off my bra.." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.

 

Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."

khawk
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A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. 

Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day. 

The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the e-mail. 

Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston , a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack. 

The widow decided to check her e-mail expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted. 
The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife 

Subject: I've Arrived 

Date: October 16, 2005 

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. 

I've seen that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was. 

P. S. Sure is freaking hot down here!!!! 

beejmi
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A couple, both well, go to a sex therapist's office.The doctor asks, 'What can I do for you?'

The man says, 'Will you watch us having a*sexual intercourse?'

The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such a couple is asking for a sexual advice that he agrees upon, so he asked them to carry on.

When the couple finishes, the doctor says, 'There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse.'

He thanks them for coming, he wishes them good luck, he charges them $50 and he says good bye.

The next week, the same couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees.

This happens several weeks in a row.

The couple makes an appointment, has intercourse with no problems, pays the doctor, then leave.

Finally, after 3 months of this routine, the doctor says, 'I'm sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?'

The man says, 'We're not trying to find out anything.
She's married so we can't go to her house.
I'm married and we can't go to my house.
The Holiday Inn charges $98.
The Hilton charges $139.
We do it here for $50, and I get $43 back from Medical insurance.

Benlen



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Quickie in the Bushes.

There are two statues in a park;

One of a nude man and one of a nude woman.
They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred
years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single gesture, brings the two to life.

The angel tells them, 'As a reward for being so patient through a
hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most.'

He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the
shrubbery.


The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues.
After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing.


The angel tells them, 'Um, you have fifteen minutes left, would you
care to do it again?'


He asks her 'Shall we?'



She eagerly replies, 'Oh, yes, let's! But let's change positions.





This time, I 'll hold the pigeon down and you shit on its head.'


lobo316



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The widow takes a look at her dear departed one right before the funeral and, to her horror, finds that he's in his brown suit. She'd specifically said to the undertaker that she wanted him buried in his blue suit; she'd brought it especially for that occasion, and she was distressed that the mortician had left him in the same brown suit he'd been wearing when the lightning bolt hit him.
She demanded that the corpse be changed into the blue suit she'd brought especially for that purpose. The undertaker said, "But madam! It's only a minute or two until the funeral is scheduled to begin! We can't possibly take him out and get him changed in that amount of time.
The lady said, "Who's paying for this?" Seeing the logic to this argument, a very reluctant mortician wheeled the coffin out, but then wheeled it right back in a moment later. Miraculously, the corpse was in a blue suit.
After the ceremony, a well-satisfied widow complimented the undertaker on the smooth and speedy service. She especially wanted to know how he'd been able to get her husband into a blue suit so fast. The funeral director said, "Oh, it was easy. It happens that there was another body in the back room and he was already dressed in a blue suit. All we had to do was switch heads!

beejmi
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Financial planning.... 


  
  
Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business. 

When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed to find a wife with whom to share his fortune. 

One evening, at an investment meeting, he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away. 

"I may look like just an ordinary guy," he said to her, "but in just a few years, my father will die and I will inherit $200 million." 

Impressed, the woman asked for his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother.


Women are so much better at financial planning 
than men.

beejmi
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First-year students at Med School were receiving their first Anatomy class with a real dead human body. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.

The professor started the class by telling them: “In medicine, it is necessary to have 2 important qualities as a doctor. The first is That you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body.” For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the corpse, withdrew it and stuck his finger in his mouth.” Go ahead and do the same thing,” he told his students. The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead body and sucking on it.

When everyone had finished, the Professor looked at them and told them, “The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my Middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention.”

beejmi
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A woman went to her doctor for a follow-up
visit after the doctor had prescribed testosterone
(a male hormone) for her. She was a little worried
about some of the side effects she was experiencing.

"Doctor, the hormones you've been giving me have
really helped, but I'm afraid that you're giving me
too much. I've started growing hair in places that
I've never grown hair before."

The doctor reassured her, "A little hair growth is a
perfectly normal side effect of testosterone. Just
where has this hair appeared?"

"On my balls." 

lobo316



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Two priests are in a Vatican bathroom using the urinals.

One of them looks at the other one's dick and notices there's a Nicorette patch on it.

He looks at the other priest and says, "I believe you're supposed to put that patch on your arm or shoulder, not your penis".

The other one replies, "It's working just fine. I'm down to two butts a day".

beejmi
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A professor at the Auburn University was giving a lecture on Paranormal Studies.

To get a feel for his audience, he asks, ' How many people here believe in ghosts ? '

About 90 students raise their hands.

Well, that's a good start. Out of those who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost ?

About 40 students raise their hands.

That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost ?

About 15 students raise their hand.

Has anyone here ever touched a ghost ?

Three students raise their hands.

That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further...Have any of you ever made love to a ghost ?

Way in the back, Ahmed raises his hand.

The professor takes off his glasses and says ' Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience. '

The Middle Eastern Muslim student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium.

When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, ' So, Ahmed, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost ? '

Ahmed replied, " Shit, from way back there I thought you said Goats. "

beejmi
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The Dreaded Pretzel Hold

A Russian and a Norwegian wrestler (just happened to be named Ole) were set to square off for the Olympic Gold medal.

Before the final match, the Norwegian wrestling coach came to Ole and said, "Now, don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this 'pretzel' hold he has.

Whatever you do, do not let him get you in that hold! If he does,
you're finished. Ole nodded in acknowledgment.

As the match started, Ole and the Russian circled each other several times, looking for an opening. All of a sudden, the Russian lunged forward, grabbing Ole and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold. A sigh of disappointment arose from the crowd and the coach buried his face in his hands, for he knew all was lost. He couldn't watch the inevitable happen.

Suddenly, there was a scream, then a cheer from the crowd and the coach raised his eyes just in time to watch the Russian go flying up in the air. His back hit the mat with a thud and Ole collapsed on top of him making the pin and winning the match.

The crowd went crazy. The coach was astounded.

When he finally got his wrestler alone, he asked, "How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!"

Ole answered, "Vell, I vas ready to give up ven he got me in dat hold, but at da last moment, I opened my eyes and saw dis pair of testicles right in front of my face. I had nuttin' to lose, so wid my last ounce of strenth I stretched out my neck and bit dose babies just as hard as I could."

So the trainer exclaimed, "That's what finished him off!"

"Vell, not really. You'd be amazed how strong you get ven you bite your own nuts!

beejmi
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A guy says to his wife " honey, what would you do if I won on the lottery "

She says, I'd take half the money and leave you.

He says, great - I won $10 bucks, here's a five , now get the hell out

lobo316



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An 85 year old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his recent physical exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."

The next day the 85 year old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was clean and as empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked, "What happened?"

The man explained: "Well doc, its like this-- first I tried with my right hand but nothing. The I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand and then with her left hand, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with her teeth and then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arlene, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezing it between her knees, but still nothing.

The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"

The man replied, "Yep. None of us could get the jar open."

beejmi
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A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart. The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.
'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans he replies.
'Put them back, we can't afford them demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.
A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.
What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband. 'It’s my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife. Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price.'

beejmi
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Dr. Calvin Rickson, a scientist from Texas A&M University , has invented a bra that keeps women's breasts from jiggling, or bouncing up and down, and  prevents the nipples from pushing through the fabric when cold weather sets in.

At a news conference, after announcing the invention, a large group of men took Dr. Rickson outside and kicked the shit out of him.

beejmi
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A stunning cougar arrives at a night club. While scanning the bar, she spots an attractive young stud standing alone.
She approaches him, smiles and says, "Hello. My name is Carmen."

"That's a beautiful name," he replies. "Is it a family name?"
"No", she says. "As a matter of fact I gave it to myself. It represents the things that I enjoy the most in life - cars and men. Therefore I chose "Carmen". What's your name?" she asks.
He answers... "B.J. Titsengolf."

lobo316



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The other day I saw this little Sudanese kid on his hands and knees in the park. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was so poor and so hungry he was eating grass.

"Don't eat that grass", I said "Look, jump in the car and I'll take you to my place and give you a decent feed"

"Gee, thanks, boss", he replied. "Can I bring my brothers and sisters too?"

"Nah, fuck that" I said. "I've only got a small lawn...!"

Last edited on Tue Sep 7th, 2010 10:09 pm by lobo316

CanadianHorseman



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Two Great White Sharks spied a ship going down in the ocean.
" Follow me, son, " the father shark said to the son shark and they swam towards the sinking ship.
" First we swim around all these people a few times with just the tip of our fins showing. " And they did.
" Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few times with all of our fins  showing. " And they did.
" Now we eat everybody. " And they did.
When they were both gorged, the son asked, " Dad, why didn't we just eat them all at first? Why did we swim around and around them? "
His wise father replied, " Because they taste much better without the shit inside! "

kargol



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I got me one of those blow-up women.  She's Palestinian.

lobo316



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The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman.

And she was somewhat upset. 'You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried. 'How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce right away!'

And the husband replied, 'Hang on just a minute love so at least I can tell you what happened.' 'Fine, go ahead,' she sobbed,' but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!'

And the husband began -- 'Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car.

I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days.

So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.

Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away.

Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't wear because you say they are too tight.

I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste.

I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair the same.'

The husband took a quick breath and continued - 'She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me and said, 'Please .... Do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?'

kargol



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I once asked a kangaroo to marry me, but she said she didn't want to be tied down.

khawk
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kargol wrote: I once asked a kangaroo to marry me, but she said she didn't want to be tied down.

beejmi
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Irish joke

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!"

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!  
 
He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of the night."

She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"

John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."

"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.  

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only be in there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."

beejmi
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A husband takes his wife to play her first round of golf.

The wife promptly whacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.

The husband cringed, "I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us."

So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door.

A man's voice said, "Come on in."

When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done. Glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the broken window.

A man reclining on the couch asked, "Are you the people that broke the window?"

"Uh, yeah, sir.. We're sure sorry about that," the husband replied.

"Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you. You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes.. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for myself."

"Wow, that's great!" the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, "I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."

"No problem," said the genie. "You've got it, it's the least I can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!"

"And now you, young lady, what do you want?" the genie asked.


"I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world," she said.

"Consider it done," the genie said. "And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!"

"Now," the couple asked in unison, "what's your wish, genie?"

"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife."

The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?"

She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?"

"You know I love you sweetheart," said the husband. "I'd do the same for you!"

So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other in every way.. After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, "How old are you and your husband?"

"Why, we're both 45," she responded breathlessly.

"NO SHIT." He said, "Forty-five years old and both of you still believe in genies?"

srossi

 

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What happened when Jesus went to Mount Olive?

Popeye ate some spinach and punched him in the face.

(Groan, groan, groan)

lobo316



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A young boy went up to his father and said, "Dad, the teacher gave us an assignment to determine the difference between potentially and realistically. Can you help me?"

The father thought for a moment, then answered. "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then, ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars.

Come back and tell me what you learn from that."

So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"

The mother replied, "Of course I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great University!"

The boy then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"

The girl replied, "Oh my God! I LOVE Brad Pitt I would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?!?!?!"

The boy then went to his brother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"

"Of course," the brother replied. "Do you know how much a million bucks would buy?"

The boy pondered the answers for a few days, then went back to his dad.

His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between potentially and realistically?"

The boy replied, "Yes... Potentially, you and I are sitting on three million dollars..............

But Realistically,.......... We're living with two sluts and a homo.

kargol



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Met a bloke the other day who reminded me of my father.

He said "think about your father."

lobo316



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Q: What do you do if an epileptic has a fit in the bath?


A: Throw in the washing.

Count Grog
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After becoming very frustrated with the attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the young blonde declared, 'Well, then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator and get a pair of alligator shoes for free!' The shopkeeper replied with a sly smile, 'Well, little lady, why don't you go on and give it a try?' The blonde headed off to the swamp, determined to catch an alligator. Later in the day, as
 the shopkeeper was driving home, he spotted the same young woman standing waist deep in the murky water, shotgun in hand.

 As he brought his car to a stop, he saw a huge 9-foot gator swimming rapidly toward her. With lightning reflexes, the blonde took aim, shot the creature and
 hauled it up onto the slippery bank. Nearby were 7 more dead gators all lying belly up. The shopkeeper stood on the bank, watching in silent amazement as the blonde struggled mightily and barely managed to flip the gator onto its back.


Then, rolling her eyes heavenward, she screamed in frustration.....


 'SHIT! THIS ONE'S BAREFOOT, TOO!

Last edited on Fri Oct 15th, 2010 11:59 am by Count Grog

srossi

 

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 God. I hate waiting in lines. I wish this woman would just hurry up and pick a suspect.

lobo316



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I met a pretty girl in the park the other day. We had an instant connection. Sparks flew between us. She lay at my feet, so I lay with her and made passionate love to her.

I thought.."these tasers are a fucking great investment!"

lobo316



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Two whales, a male and a female, were swimming side by side in the ocean.

Suddenly, the male whale spots a ship in the distance. He recognises it as
The whaling ship that killed his father.
 
Filled with anger, he says to his female companion, "That's the ship that
Killed my father! Let's swim closer!"
 
When they were close enough, the male said, "Why don't we swim under the
 Ship and blow air through our blow holes and break the ship into a million
 Pieces? That will be sweet revenge." And the female agreed to this.
 
So they each took a deep breath of air, swam under the ship, and blew
Enormous amounts of air under the ship. The ship flew into the air and
Crashed back to the sea and broke into a million pieces.
 
The pair of whales started to swim off when they realised that the sailors
Were not dead, but clinging to pieces of wood and floating in the ocean.
 
The male whale was furious and said to the female whale, "They're still
Alive, but I've got another idea. Let's swim around and gulp up all the
Sailors!"

That's when the female stopped swimming, looked at the male and said, "Oh
No... I agreed to the blow job but I'm NOT swallowing the seamen."

beejmi
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A young Chinese couple gets married. She's a virgin. Truth be told, he is too, but she doesn't know that.

On their wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets as her husband undresses in the darkness. He climbs into bed next to her and tries to be reassuring.

'My darling', he whispers,'I know this you first time and you berry frighten. I promise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting-just anyting you want. You juss ask, whatchu want?' he says, trying to sound experienced and worldly,which he hopes will impress her.

A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her request.

She eventually shyly whispers back,'I want to try someting I have hear about from udder girls....Numba 69.'

More thoughtful silence, this time from him.

Eventually, in a puzzled tone he asks her, 'You wanna...Garlic Chicken wif broccoli?'

Benlen



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A man was lying in bed with his new girlfriend.
After having great sex ... She spent the next
hour just rubbing his testicles ...
Something she just loved to do.
As he was enjoying it, he turned and asked her,
"Why do you love doing that?"
Because ... She Replied ....



"I Really Miss Mine"

CanadianHorseman



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Benlen wrote: A man was lying in bed with his new girlfriend.
After having great sex ... She spent the next
hour just rubbing his testicles ...
Something she just loved to do.
As he was enjoying it, he turned and asked her,
"Why do you love doing that?"
Because ... She Replied ....



"I Really Miss Mine"

Check out my post on April 16th:
http://sportsandwrestling.mywowbb.com/forum4/128-6.html

Copycat. :X


Benlen



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CanadianHorseman wrote: Benlen wrote: A man was lying in bed with his new girlfriend.
After having great sex ... She spent the next
hour just rubbing his testicles ...
Something she just loved to do.
As he was enjoying it, he turned and asked her,
"Why do you love doing that?"
Because ... She Replied ....



"I Really Miss Mine"

Check out my post on April 16th:
http://sportsandwrestling.mywowbb.com/forum4/128-6.html

Copycat. :X



LOL. I wouldn't steal it if it wasn't any good. LOL

CanadianHorseman



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Benlen wrote: CanadianHorseman wrote: Benlen wrote: A man was lying in bed with his new girlfriend.
After having great sex ... She spent the next
hour just rubbing his testicles ...
Something she just loved to do.
As he was enjoying it, he turned and asked her,
"Why do you love doing that?"
Because ... She Replied ....



"I Really Miss Mine"

Check out my post on April 16th:
http://sportsandwrestling.mywowbb.com/forum4/128-6.html

Copycat. :X



LOL. I wouldn't steal it if it wasn't any good. LOL

Well a big " merci beaucoup " for you then. :D

lobo316



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Three pregnant women were knitting sweaters for their soon-to-arrive
babies, and chatting.

The brunette said to the others, "I'm taking folic acid, so my baby
will be healthy and have a robust immune system."

The red head said, "Oh, I'm taking lots of calcium so my baby will be
strong and grow tall."

The blonde said, "I'm taking Thalidomide."

The others reacted, of course, with horror. "Thalidomide! Why would
you take that?"

"Because I don't know how to knit sleeves."

beejmi
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Did you hear Boise State kicker Kyle Brotzman tried to commit suicide? He tried to hang himself but he missed the kick out of the chair.

CanadianHorseman



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beejmi wrote: Did you hear Boise State kicker Kyle Brotzman tried to commit suicide? He tried to hang himself but he missed the kick out of the chair.
That's like the old Bill Bucker joke as he tried to commit suicide by jumping in the middle of the highway but the cars kept going right through his legs.

beejmi
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A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.
He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.
The head monk says,'We have been copying from copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son.'
He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the orginal manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years. Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot......
So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing.
'We missed the R!
We missed the R!
We missed the R!'
His forehead is bloody and bruisedand he is crying uncontrollably. The young monk asks the old abbot,'What's wrong, father?'
With a choking voice, the old abbot replies, 'The word was.......
 
 
 
'CELEBRATE!!!!'

WongLee
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The coach had put together the perfect team for the Oakland Raiders. The only thing that was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl win.

Then one night while watching CNN he saw a war-zone scene in Afghanistan . In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Afghan Muslim soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15th story window 100 yards away. KABOOM!

He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney.

KA-BLOOEY!

Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph.

BULLS-EYE!

"I've got to get this guy!" Coach said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!"

So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football. And the Raiders go on to win the Super Bowl.

The young Afghan is hailed as the great hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his mother.

"Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!"

"I don't want to talk to you, the old Muslim woman says. "You are not my son!"

"I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man pleads. "I've won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans."

"No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get raped!" The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says, "I will never forgive you for making us move to Oakland !!

lobo316



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inspired by Mrs. Rex Ryan's feet thread..........

 

The teacher asks Little Johnny "Which body part goes to heaven first?"

Little Johnny replies "The feet miss"

So the teacher says "Why the feet?"

And Little Johnny says "Because when I go in my mommy's bedroom at night she has her legs in the air shouting 'Oh my God I'm coming'"

lobo316



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Inspired by the woman who stripped naked in front of the donut display.........

 

Q: Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony?
A: The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand
and a dozen donuts.


Q: Who is the most popular girl at the nudist colony?
A: The girl who can eat the last donut!

beejmi
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Guy goes to the doctors office feeling really bad. Doctor does a complete exam and says ," I have some bad news. You have hags!"

"Wtf is hags?"

"Its herpes, aids, gonorrhea,and syphilis."

"Oh my god!" says the man." what are you going to do?"

"We are going to put you into an isolated room and feed you pancakes and pizza."

"Is that going to help me?" the man says.

"No" says the doc."But its the only food we can think of that we can slide under the door"

lobo316



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A mother is driving her little girl to her friend's house for a play date.

'Mommy ,' the little girl asks, 'how old are you?'

'Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age,' the mother replied. 'It's not polite.'

'OK', the little girl says, 'How much do you weigh?'

'Now really,' the mother says, 'those are personal questions and are really none of your business.'

Undaunted, the little girl asks, 'Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?'

'That's enough questions, young lady! Honestly!'

The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.

' My Mom won't tell me anything about her,' the little girl says to her friend.

'Well,' says the friend, 'all you need to do is look at her driver's license. It's like a report card, it has everything on it'

Later that night the little girl says to her mother, 'I know how old you are. You are 32.'

The mother is surprised and asks, 'How did you find that out?

'I also know that you weigh 130 pounds.'

The mother is past surprised and shocked now. 'How in Heaven's name did you find that out?'

'And,' the little girl says triumphantly, 'I know why you and daddy got a divorce.'

'Oh really?' the mother asks. 'Why?'

'Because you got an F in sex.'

khawk
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A woman brings her lover home during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly. He sees them and hides in the bedroom closet.
 
Shortly afterwards, the woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that her son is already in there.

The little boy says, "It's dark in here."

 
The man says, "Yes, it is!"

The little boy says, "I have a golf ball."

The man replies, "That's nice."

The little boy asks, "Do you want to buy it?"

The man says, "No, thanks."

The little boy says, "My dad's outside the closet ... right here in the bedroom."

The man whispers back, "OK, how much for the damn golf ball?"

The boy replies, "I'll take $250.00 for it."

A few weeks later, it happens again. The little boy and his Mom's lover are again in the closet together.

The little boy says, "It's dark in here."

The man replies, "Yes, it is!"

The little boy says, "I have sand wedge."

 
The lover, remembering the last time this happened, asks the boy, "OK, how much?"

The little boy says, "I'll take $750.00 for it."

The man says, "Sold!"

A few days later the boy’s father says to his son, "Go ahead and grab your sand wedge and golf ball ... let's go outside and have some short game practice."

The little boy says, "Dad, I can't ... I sold my sand wedge and golf ball."

The Father remarks, "What? How much did you sell them for?" and t
he little boy responds, "I got a $1,000.00 dollars."

The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that.  That's far more than those things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you go to confession."

They go to church and the father makes the little boy enter into the confessional, and closes the door.

The boy looks around and says, "It's dark in here."

The Priest says, "Don't start that shit with me again ... you're in my closet now."

Benlen



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Roy, an undertaker, recently came home with a black eye.
"What happened to you?" asked his wife.

"I had a terrible day." replied Roy . "I had to go to a hotel and pick up a man who had died in his sleep. When I got there, the manager said they couldn't get him into a body bag because he had this huge erection.

Anyway, I went up and, sure enough, there was this big naked guy lying on the bed with this huge erection.

So I grabbed it with both hands and tried to snap it in half."

"I see" said his wife, "that must have been awful, but how did you get the black eye?"


Roy replied: " Wrong room ."

lobo316



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Over in the U.K., a very pretty young speech therapist
was getting nowhere with her
“Stammerers Action Group”.
She had tried every technique in the book
without the slightest success. No-one was improving.

Finally, thoroughly exasperated, she said
"If any of you can tell me, without stuttering,
the name of the town where you were born
I will have wild and passionate sex with
you until your muscles ache and your eyes water.
So, who wants to go first?"

The Englishman piped up.
"B-b-b-b-b-b-b-irmingham."

"That's no use, Trevor," said the speech therapist. "Who's next?"

The Scotsman raised his hand and blurted out
"P-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-aisley".

“That's no better.
There'll be no sex for you, I'm afraid, Hamish.”

“How about you, Paddy?”

The Irishman took a deep breath and eventually blurted out
"London."

“Brilliant, Paddy!” said the speech therapist and immediately set about living up to her promise.

After 15 minutes of exceptionally steamy sex, the couple paused for breath and Paddy said

(wait for it)




"-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-erry".

beejmi
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A man and his wife were walking down the road the other day and I saw this sign in the window that said “Television for Sale – $1- Volume Stuck On Full”. His wife says to him "Hey we can’t turn that down”.

lobo316



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Two radical Arab terrorists boarded a flight out of London.

One took a window seat and the other sat next to him in the middle seat.. Just before take off, a rabbi sat down in the aisle seat.

After take off the rabbi kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said, "I need to get up and get a coke."
"Don't get up," said the rabbi, "I'm in the aisle seat, I'll get it for you."

As soon as he left, one of the Arabs picked up the rabbi`s shoe and spat in it. When the Rabbi returned with the coke, the other Arab said, "That looks good. I'd really like one, too."

Again, the rabbi obligingly went to fetch it. While he was gone the other Arab picked up the rabbi`s other shoe and spat in it.

When the rabbi returned, they all sat back and enjoyed the flight. As the plane was landing, the rabbi slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.

He leaned over and asked his Arab neighbours:

"Why does it have to be this way?

How long must this go on?

This fighting between our nations?

This hatred?

This animosity?

This spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes?"

beejmi
The Big Kahuna


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One day a brunette, a redhead and a blonde decide to go through their daughter's purses.

So, the brunette goes through her daughter's purse and finds cigarettes. She says, "Oh my god, I'm so ashamed! My Daughter smokes."

So, the redhead goes through her daughter's purse and finds an empty can of beer. She says, "Oh my god I'm so ashamed! My daughter drinks."

So, finally, it's the blondes turn and she finds a used condom. She says, "Oh my god I'm so ashamed! My daughter has a penis."

lobo316



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A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Enzo, has cheated him out of 10 million bucks.

His bookkeeper is deaf and dumb. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that Enzo would hear and say nothing that could later be used against his Boss.

When the Godfather goes to confront Enzo about his missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language.

The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the 10 million bucks is that he embezzled from me."

The lawyer, using sign language, asks Enzo where the money is. Enzo signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."

The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you are talking about."

The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Enzo's temple and says, "Ask him again!".........

The lawyer signs to Enzo, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him."

Enzo signs back, "OK. You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Bruno's backyard in Woodbridge!"

The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?"

The lawyer replies, " He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger, you fat cocksucker! "

beejmi
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Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, 'I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent.' 'Thank God,' said an elderly nun at the back. 'I'm so tired of chardonay.

beejmi
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It was my girlfriends' birthday yesterday, so I had all my friends come over and we threw her a surprise bukkake party. Man, you should've seen her face.

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What do you call a Mexican with a rubber toe ?

Rubbertoe.

lobo316



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The old man placed an order for one hamburger, French fries and a drink.

He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife.

He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.

He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them. As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering.

Obviously they were thinking, 'That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.'

As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said, they were just fine - they were used to sharing everything.

People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.

Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said 'No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything.'

Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked 'What is it you are waiting for?'

She answered



(wait for it)

 

'THE TEETH.'



beejmi
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A hippie gets onto a bus and sits next to a nun in the front seat. The hippie looks over and asks the nun if she would have sex with him.

The nun, surprised by the question, politely declines and gets off at the next stop. When the bus starts again, the bus driver says to the hippie, "If you want, I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with you."

The hippie of course says that he'd love to know, so the bus driver tells him that every Tuesday evening at midnight the nun goes to the cemetery to pray to the lord. "If you went dressed in robes and some glowing powder," says the bus driver, "You could tell her you were God and command her to have sex with you."

The hippie decides to try this out. That Tuesday, he goes to the cemetery and waits for the nun. Right on schedule, the nun shows up. While she's in the middle of praying, the hippie walks out from hiding, in robes and glowing with a mask of god. "I am God, I have heard your prayers and I will answer them but you must have sex with me first," he says.

The nun agrees but asks for anal sex so she might keep her virginity. The hippie agrees to this and quickly sets about having sex with the nun.

After the hippie finishes, he rips off his mask and shouts out, "Ha ha, I'm the hippie! "

The nun replies by whipping off her mask and shouting, "Ha ha, I'm the bus driver!"

beejmi
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First-year students at Texas A&M's Vet School were receiving their first anatomy class, with a real dead cow. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor started the class by telling them:

In vet medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor: the first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the animal body.

For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the dead cow, withdrew it and stuck his finger in his mouth:

Go ahead and do the same thing, he told his students.

The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes. But eventually took turns sticking a finger in the anal opening of the dead cow and sucking on it. When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and told them:

The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention.

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A pirate walked into a Pub, and the bartender said, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible."

"What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine."

"What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before."

"Well," said the pirate, "We were in a battle, and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now."

The bartender replied, "Well, OK, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?"

The pirate explained, "We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook but I'm fine, really."

"What about that eye patch?"

"Oh," said the pirate, "One day we were at sea, and a flock of seagulls flew over. I looked up, and one of them shit in my eye."

"You're kidding," said the bartender. "You couldn't lose an eye just from bird shit."

"Well, it was my first day with the hook."

beejmi
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Hey um Lobo. That last joke was funny. Check your PMs.

beejmi
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A police officer pulled a guy over for speeding and had the following
exchange:
Officer: May I see your driver's license?
Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.
Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?
Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.
Officer: This car is stolen?
Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's
card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.
Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?
Driver: Yes, sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the
woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.
Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?
Driver: Yes, sir.
[Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was
quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to
handle the tense situation]
Captain: Sir, can I see your license?
Driver: Sure. Here it is.
[The driver's license was valid]
Captain: Who's car is this?
Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the owner's card.
[The driver owned the car]
Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a
gun in it?
Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it.
[Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box]
Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's
a body in it.
Driver: No problem.
[Trunk is opened; no body]
Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you
told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the
glove box, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.
Driver: Yeah, and I'll bet the lying S.O.B. told you I was speeding,
too!

beejmi
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(Must be read with and Italian accent) One day ima gonna Malta to bigga hotel. Ina morning I go down to eat breakfast. I tella waitress I wanna two pissis toast. She brings me only one piss. I tella her I want two piss. She say go to the toilet. I say you no understand, I wanna piss onna my plate. She say you better no piss onna plate, you sonna ma bitch. I don't even know the lady and she call me sonna ma bitch. Later I go to eat at the bigga restaurant. The waitress brings me a spoon and knife but no fock. I tella her I wanna fock. She tell me everyone wanna fock. I tell her you no understand. I wanna fock on the table. She say you better not fock on the table, you sonna ma bitch. So I go back to my room inna hotel and there is no shits onna my bed. Call the manager and tella him I wanna shit. He tell me to go to toilet. I say you no understand. I wanna shit on my bed. He say you better not shit onna bed, you sonna ma bitch. I go to the checkout and the man at the desk say: "Peace on you". I say piss on you too, you sonna ma bitch, I gonna back to Italy.

beejmi
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What do you call 500 topless Indian's with no nipples??

The Indian-nippless 500

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beejmi wrote:
(Must be read with and Italian accent) One day ima gonna Malta to bigga hotel. Ina morning I go down to eat breakfast. I tella waitress I wanna two pissis toast. She brings me only one piss. I tella her I want two piss. She say go to the toilet. I say you no understand, I wanna piss onna my plate. She say you better no piss onna plate, you sonna ma bitch. I don't even know the lady and she call me sonna ma bitch. Later I go to eat at the bigga restaurant. The waitress brings me a spoon and knife but no fock. I tella her I wanna fock. She tell me everyone wanna fock. I tell her you no understand. I wanna fock on the table. She say you better not fock on the table, you sonna ma bitch. So I go back to my room inna hotel and there is no shits onna my bed. Call the manager and tella him I wanna shit. He tell me to go to toilet. I say you no understand. I wanna shit on my bed. He say you better not shit onna bed, you sonna ma bitch. I go to the checkout and the man at the desk say: "Peace on you". I say piss on you too, you sonna ma bitch, I gonna back to Italy.

beejmi wrote:
What do you call 500 topless Indian's with no nipples??

The Indian-nippless 500


 


beejmi
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Sorry there Horseman Bob. Will try to make it up to you with some Toronto Maple Leaf humor

At a bar last night; a guy meets this really pretty girl wearing a sweater
with a big maple leaf on the front.

He walks up to her and said 'Hi, my name is three goal lead'

She says "Three goal lead?"

"Yeah I was thinking someone wearing a Maple Leaf sweater would  blow a
three goal lead.
"

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beejmi wrote: Sorry there Horseman Bob. Will try to make it up to you with some Toronto Maple Leaf humor

At a bar last night; a guy meets this really pretty girl wearing a sweater
with a big maple leaf on the front.

He walks up to her and said 'Hi, my name is three goal lead'

She says "Three goal lead?"

"Yeah I was thinking someone wearing a Maple Leaf sweater would  blow a
three goal lead.
"

lobo316



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A plane leaves Heathrow Airport under the control of a Jewish captain. His copilot is Chinese. It's the first time they've flown together and an awkward silence between the two seems to indicate a mutual dislike.

Once they reach cruising altitude, the Jewish captain activates the auto-pilot, leans back in his seat, and mutters, "I don't like Chinese."

"No rike Chinese?" asks the copilot, "why not?"

"You people bombed Pearl Harbor , that's why!"

"No, no", the co-pilot protests, "Chinese not bomb Peahl Hahbah" That Japanese, not Chinese."

"Japanese, Chinese, Vietnamese...doesn't matter, you're all alike."

There's a few minutes of silence....

"I no rike Jews." the copilot suddenly announces.

"Oh yeah, why not?" Asks the captain.

"Jews sink Titanic." says the co-pilot.

"What? That's insane! Jews didn't sink the Titanic!" exclaims the captain "It was an iceberg."

"Iceberg, Goldberg, Greenberg, Rosenberg , nomattah...all same."

Count Grog
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a billionaire, a tea party nut and a union leader were have coffee.  They are brought a plate with 12 cookie, the billionaire quickly eats 11 of them, then  turns to the tea party nut and says be careful the union guy wants your cookie.

Last edited on Tue Mar 8th, 2011 03:53 pm by Count Grog



 

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How much cocaine does Charlie Sheen do?

Enough to kill Two and a Half Men.

bpickering
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nyhack56 wrote: How much cocaine does Charlie Sheen do?

Enough to kill Two and a Half Men.

Damn I was just about to post that.

the squared circle
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More Maple Leaf humour for you Leaf-hating-bastards....

A kid is sitting in divorce court, with his parents, and the judge says to him...
Judge - so Mikey, do you want to live with your mother?
Mikey - No, she beats me.
Judge - so, do you want to live with your father?
Mikey - No, he beats me too.
Judge - well, who do you want to live with?
Mikey - The Toronto Maple Leafs, they don't beat anybody!


 

The Ultimate Sin
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THE LIE DETECTOR



John was a salesman's delight when it came to unusual gimmicks.
His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change.
One day John came home with another of his unusual purchases.
It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector.


It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son,
returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late..

"Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?" asked John.

"Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project,"
said Tommy.

The robot walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him
completely out of his chair.

"Son," said John, "this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you really
were after school."

"We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie." said Tommy.
"What did you watch?" asked Marsha.
"The Ten Commandments." answered Tommy.

The robot went to Tommy again and slapped him off his chair.

With lips quivering, Tommy said, "I'm sorry I lied.
We really watched a tape called Sex Queen."

"I'm ashamed of you son," said John. "When I was your age,
I never lied to my parents."

The robot walked around to John and delivered a whack that nearly
knocked him out of his chair.

Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said,
"Boy, you asked for that! You can't be too mad with Tommy.
After all, he is your son!"

The robot walked up to Marsha and knocked her out of her chair.

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Paddy & Mick were both laid off,
so they went to the unemployment office.
When asked his occupation, Paddy answered, 'Knicker Stitcher I sew da elastic onto ladies' knickers'
The clerk looked up Knicker Stitcher on his computer and, finding it classified as unskilled labour, he gave him £80 a week unemployment pay.
Mick was next in and when asked his occupation replied, 'Diesel Fitter.'
Since a diesel fitter was a skilled job, the clerk gave Mick £160 a week.
When Paddy found out he was furious. He stormed back into the office to find out why his friend and co-worker was collecting double his pay.
The clerk explained, 'Knicker Stitchers are unskilled labour and Diesel Fitters are skilled labour.'
'What skill?' yelled Paddy. 'I sew da elastic on da knickers and thongs, then Mick puts 'em over his head and says: 'Yep, diesel fitter.'

beejmi
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HER DIARY

Saturday night I thought he was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment. Conversation wasn't flowing so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed but he kept quiet and absent. I asked him what was wrong he said nothing. I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said it had nothing to do with me and not to worry. On the way home I told him that I loved him, he simply smiled and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior; I don't know why he didn't say I love you too. When we got home I felt as if had lost him, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there and watched TV He seemed distant and absent. Finally I decided to go to bed. About 10 minutes later he came to bed and to my surprise he responded to my caress and we made love, but I still felt that he was distracted and his thoughts where somewhere else. I decided that I could not take it anymore so I decided to confront him with the situation but he had fallen asleep. I started crying and cried until I too fell asleep. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.

HIS DIARY

Today the Leafs lost. At least I got laid.

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How Do You Define Handsome?

A test at an Atlanta City High school in Georgia required students to use “handsome” in a sentence.

The girl named Lateshia says “Sometimes when I be suckin’ Jamal’s black snake, my jaw gets sore and I hafta use my handsome.”

The quality of our educational system sometimes brings a tear to your eye, doesn’t it!!!

beejmi
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Teacher: Tell me a sentence that starts with an "I".
Student: I is the...
Teacher: Stop! Never put 'is' after an "I". Always put 'am' after an "I".
Student: OK. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.

beejmi
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One day an employee sends a letter to his boss asking for an increase in his salary!!!
Dear Bo$$
In thi$ life, we all need $ome thing mo$t de$perately. I think you $hould be under$tanding of the need$ of u$ worker$ who have given $o much $upport including $weat and $ervice to your company.
I am $ure you will gue$$ what I mean and re$pond $oon
Your$ $incerely,
Norman $oh
The next day, the employee received this letter of reply

Dear NOrman
I kNOw you have been working very hard. NOwadays, NOthing much has changed. You must have NOticed that our company is NOt doing NOticeably well as yet.
NOw the newspaper are saying the world`s leading ecoNOmists are NOt sure if the United States may go into aNOther recession. After the NOvember presidential elections things may turn bad.
I have NOthing more to add NOw. You kNOw what I mean.
Yours truly,
Manager

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Two Irish duck hunters are out in the woods all day and haven't bagged themselves on duck.

Pat turns to Mick and says, "What do yer think we're doing wrong?"

Mick thinks for a while and says, "Perhaps we're not throwing the dogs up high enough."

beejmi
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What do you get when you cross an agnostic, an insomniac and a dyslexic?

Someone who stays up all night wondering whether or not there is a dog.

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CHINESE SICK LEAVE : 'I NO COME WORK TODAY!!!'

Hung Chow calls into work and says, 'Hey, I no come work
Today, I really sick . Got headache, stomach ache and legs
Hurt, I no come work.'
The boss says, 'You know something, Hung Chow, I really
Need you today. When I feel sick like you do, I go to my
Wife and tell her to give me Sex. That Makes everything
Better and I go to work.. You try that.'

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. 'I do what You
Say and I feel Great. I be at work soon.........
You got Nice house'



beejmi
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What's the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?


The taste.

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Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess, “Will you marry me?”

The Princess said, “NO!”

 And the Prince lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and fucked big titted chicks and hunted and fished and raced cars and went to naked bars and dated women half his age and drank whiskey, beer and Captain Morgan and never heard bitching and never paid child support or alimony and got plenty of pussy and kept his house and guns and never got cheated on while he was at work and all his friends and family thought he was cool as hell and had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up ..... The End

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2 old guys decided to go out to the whorehouse and get laid,they took their Viagra and their money and away they went.

The Madam decided that no way was she going to waste the time of 2 working girls on these geezers and instructed the bouncer to place blow up dolls in the beds instead.

The old guys did their thing,and afterwards the first geezer told his buddy 'I think my girl was dead,she didn't move,moan,or even act like I was having sex with her at all."

"That's not too bad",said the second geezer "I think my girl was a witch.I was loving her up and really giving it to her good,decided to nibble on her neck,and she farted and flew out the window............and took my goddamm teeth with her!!"

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Want to hear a fast joke ? Want to hear another one ?

Get it ? It was so fast you missed it

beejmi
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My wife was dying. I was by her bedside. She said in a tired voice, "There's something I must confess."

"Shhh" I said, "There's nothing to confess. Everything's alright."

"No I must die in peace. I had sex with your brother, your best friend, his best friend and your father!"

"I know," I whispered "That's why I poisoned you, now close your eyes!!"

beejmi
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Son asked his mother the following question:
"Mom, why are wedding dresses white?"

The mother looks at her son and replies:
"Son, this shows your friends and relatives that your bride is pure."

The son thanks his Mom and goes off to double-check this with his father.
"Dad why are wedding dresses white?"

The father looks at his son in surprise and says:
"Son, all household appliances come in white.

lobo316



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beejmi wrote: My wife was dying. I was by her bedside. She said in a tired voice, "There's something I must confess."

"Shhh" I said, "There's nothing to confess. Everything's alright."

"No I must die in peace. I had sex with your brother, your best friend, his best friend and your father!"

"I know," I whispered "That's why I poisoned you, now close your eyes!!"


 

That joke would be even funnier if you had substituted  "My" & "I" with stingmark.

beejmi
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beejmi wrote: Stingmark's money grubbing whore bitch cunt was dying. Stingmark was by her bedside. She said in a tired voice, "There's something I must confess."

He said, "I'll bet there's tons of shit you fug'n cunt, I mean, there's nothing to confess. Everything's alright."

"No I must die in peace. I was donkey-punched by your brother, your best friend, his best friend and your father!"

"I know," Stingmark whispered "That's why I poisoned you, now close your Goddamn eyes!!"


 



Fixed. Thank you Lobo.

beejmi
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A teacher in a detroit kindergarten asked her class. What sound does a pig make? Little Tyrone stood up and yelled "FREEZE MOTHA FUKA".

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A fellow was on his honeymoon near his favorite fishing lake and he would fish from dawn to dark with his favorite fishing guide. One day the guide, friend of many years, mentioned that the honeymoon seemed to be spent fishing.

 "Yes, but you know how I love to fish..."

 "But aren't you newlyweds supposed to be into something else?"

 "Yes, but she's got gonorrhea; and you know how I love to fish"

 A few hours later, "I understand, but that's not the only way to have sex."

 "I know, but she's got diarrhea and you know how I love to fish..."

 The following day: "Sure, but that's still not the only way to have sex."

 "Yeah, but she's got phyrrea and you know how I love to fish..."

 Late that afternoon, thoroughly frustrated: "I guess I'm not sure why you'd marry someone with health problems like that."

 "It's 'cause she's also got worms; and you know I just love to fish..."

 

beejmi
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A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

beejmi
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A blond and her husband are lying in bed listening to the next door neighbor's dog. It has been in the backyard barking for hours and hours.

The blond jumps up out of bed and says, "I've had enough of this".
She goes downstairs.  The blond finally comes back up to bed and her husband says, "The dog is still barking,  What have you been doing?"

The blond says, "I put the dog in our backyard, let's see how THEY like it!

beejmi
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The FBI had an opening for an assassin .  

After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists; two men and a woman.

For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

'We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances.

Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair .. . . Kill her!!'

The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife.'

The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.'

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, 'I tried, but I can't kill my wife.'

The agent said, 'You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.'

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband.
She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another.  They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet.
The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping the sweat from her brow.

'This gun is loaded with blanks' she said.  'I had to beat him to death with the chair.'

lobo316



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Last night I was talking to a young good looking woman.
She asked me if I liked breasts or legs.
I told her what I really liked was a shaved pussy.
I've been banned from KFC .

lobo316



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inspired by something Rossi posted about me

 

 

Two young guys appear in court after being arrested for smoking dope.

The judge says, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance instead of jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to convince others of the evils of drug use. I'll see you back in court Monday."

On Monday, the judge asks the first guy, "How did you do over the weekend?"

"Well, your honour, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever."
"Seventeen people? That's wonderful How did you do it? "

"I used a diagram, your honour. I drew two circles like this: O o. Then I told them that the big circle is your brain before drugs and the small circle is your brain after drugs."

"That's admirable," says the judge. Then he turns to the second guy. "And how did you do?"

"Well, your honour, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever."

"Wow!" says the judge. "156 people! How did you manage to do that?"

"Well, I used a similar diagram," the guy says. "I drew two circles like this: o O. Then I pointed to the little circle and said, 'This is your asshole before prison .....

__________________

beejmi
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A monk is passing a young woman crying tied to a tree.
"Why are you crying?" Asked the monk.
"Some muggers raped me and took all my money. Then they tied me to this tree, and Ive been crying and yelling for help"
"And no one heard you"
"No, no one at all"
The monk takes off his clothes and says "This is not your lucky day"

beejmi
The Big Kahuna


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The Colorado State Department of Fish and Wildlife is advising hikers, hunters, fishermen, and golfers to take extra precautions and be on the alert for bears while in the Dillon, Breckenridge, and Keystone area.

They advise people to wear noise-producing devices such as little bells on their clothing to alert but not startle the bears unexpectedly. They also advise you to carry pepper spray in case of an encounter with a bear.

It is also a good idea to watch for signs of bear activity. People should be able to recognize the difference between black bear and grizzly bear droppings.

Black bear droppings are smaller and contain berries and possibly squirrel fur.
Grizzly bear droppings have little bells in them and smell like pepper spray.

beejmi
The Big Kahuna


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A professor was giving a big test one day to his students. He handed out all of the tests and went back to his desk to wait. Once the test was over, the students all handed the tests back in. The professor noticed that one of the students had attached a $100 bill to his test with a note saying “A dollar per point.” The next class the professor handed the tests back out. This student got back his test and $56 change.

lobo316



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I got banned from a Muslim clothes shop today.
Just because I asked for a bomber jacket.

beejmi
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"I don't know, I might be sick in the head or crazy or thrown off or something like that because I still think we're going to win this series," Kobe Bryant said after totaling 17 points and six assists in Game 3.


beejmi
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A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position..

As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, 'Relatives of yours?'

'Yep,' the wife replied, 'in-laws.'

lobo316



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A twin-engine plane has an engine failure and the altitude and

speed are decreasing rapidly.


The pilot speaks over the intercom ... "I'm sorry it has come to

this ladies and gentlemen, but unfortunately we are going to have to
jettison the luggage in order for the aircraft to remain airborne".


Baggage is thrown out but still the plane's speed continues to
decrease. Once again the pilot gets on the intercom, "I hate to do this
folks but in order to save the majority we are going to have to start
off-loading some passengers. The only fair way is to do this alphabetically,

so we'll start with the letter 'A'".


"Africans? Are there any Africans on board?" There was no answer

so the pilot calls, "Black people, are there any black people on board?"


Again silence.


"C - coloured people? Are there any coloured people on board?"
Silence.


A little black boy sitting near the rear of the plane turned to
his mother and said, "Mum, ain't we African? Ain't we black?" Ain't we
coloured?"

She replied, "Yes son but for the purpose of this exercise we is
Niggers. Let them do the Muslims first".


lobo316



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Girl: "Forgive me father for I have sinned."

Priest: "What have you done my child?"

Girl: "I called a man a son of a bitch."

Priest: "Why did you call him a son of a bitch?"

Girl: "Because he touched my hand."

Priest: "Like this?" (as he touches her hand)

Girl: "Yes father."

Priest: "That's no reason to call a man a son of a bitch."

Girl: "Then he touched my breast."

Priest: "Like this?" (as he touched her breast)

Girl: "Yes father."

Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."

Girl: "Then he took off my clothes, father."

Priest: "Like this?" (as he takes off her clothes)

Girl: "Yes father."

Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."

Girl: "Then he stuck his you know what into my you know where."

Priest: "Like this?" (as he stuck his you know what into her you know where)

Girl: "YES FATHER, YES FATHER, YES FATHER!!!"

Priest: (after a few minutes): "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."

Girl: "But father he had AIDS!"

Priest: "THAT SON OF A BITCH!!!"

Angelic Assassin



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Q. What’s the difference between oral sex and anal sex?

A. Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak.

katook



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Q-whats the similarity between eating pussy and going undercover in the mafia?

A-one slip of the tongue and you are insome deep shit!

 

Q-what do women and screen doors have in common?

A-the harder and more frequently you bang on either one,the looser it gets.

 

beejmi
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The Policeman pulled a car over and told the man driving that he was going 65 MPH in a 55 MPH zone.
"I was only going 50!" the driver protested.
"Not according to my radar", the officer replied.
"Yes, I was!" the man shouted back.
"No you weren't!" the policeman said, starting to get annoyed.
With that, the man's wife leaned toward the window and said,
"Mister officer, I should warn you not to argue with my husband when he's been drinking."

beejmi
The Big Kahuna


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An elderly man goes into confession and says to the priest, "Father, I'm 80 years old, married, have four kids and 11 grandchildren. I started taking this new Viagra pill, and last night I had an affair and made love to two 18-year-old girls. Both of them. Twice.

The priest said: "Well, my son, when was the last time you were in confession?"

"Never Father, I'm Jewish."

"So then, why are you telling me?"

"I'm telling everybody!"

beejmi
The Big Kahuna


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Two deaf people get married. During the first week of marriage, they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn off the lights because they can't see each other using sign language. After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife decides to find a solution.

"Honey," she signs, "Why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time."

The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife, "Great idea, Now if you want to have sex with me, reach over and pull on my penis one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and pull on my penis 50 times."

Benlen



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Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a
guy carrying a golf bag called out to them, 'Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't
turn up.'

'Sure,' they said, 'You're welcome.' So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the
company of the newcomer.

Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, 'What do you do for a
living?'

'I'm a hit man,' was the reply.

'You're joking!' was the response.

'No, I'm not,' he said, reaching into his golf bag and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper's
rifle with a large telescopic sight. 'Here are my tools.'

'That's a beautiful telescopic sight,' said the other friend, 'Can I take a look? I think I might
be able to see my house from here.' So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight
in the direction of his house.

'Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window.
Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom . . .Ha ha, I can see she's naked!! Wait a minute,
that's my neighbor in there with her . . . He' s naked, too!!!

He turned to the hit man, 'How much do you charge for a hit?'

'I'll do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger.'

'Can you do two for me now?'

'Sure, what do you want?'

'First, shoot my wife. She's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth.'

'Then the neighbor, he's a friend of mine, so just shoot his dick off to teach him a lesson.'

The hit man took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes.

'Are you going to do it or not?' said the friend impatiently.

'Just be patient,' said the hit man calmly, 'I think I can save you a grand here . . .'

beejmi
The Big Kahuna


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A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart's birthday and as they had not been dating very long, after careful consideration, he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note: romantic but not too personal. Accompanied by his sweetheart's younger sister, he went to Nordstrom's and bought a pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself. During the wrapping, the clerk mixed up the items and the sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties. Without checking the contents, the young man sealed the package and sent it to his sweetheart with the following note:

"I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons but she wears short ones that are easier to remove. These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they are hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart. I wish I were there to put them on for you the first time as no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again. When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year!

All my love.

P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing."

lobo316



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A young boy, about seven years old, was at the corner grocery picking out a box of laundry detergent. The grocer walked over and trying to be friendly, asked the boy if he had a lot of laundry to do.

"No laundry" the boy said, "I'm going to wash my dog."

"But you shouldn't use this to wash your dog. It's very powerful and if you wash your dog in this, he'll get sick. In fact, it might even kill him."

But the boy was not to be stopped and carried the detergent to the counter and paid for it, even as the grocer still tried to talk him out of washing his dog.

About a week later the boy was back in the store to buy some candy. The grocer asked the boy how his dog was doing.

"Oh, he died," the boy said.

The grocer, trying not to be an I-told-you-so, said he was sorry the dog died but added, "I tried to tell you not to use that detergent on your dog."

The boy replied, "I don't think it was the detergent that killed him."

"Oh, What was it then?"
"I think it was the spin cycle!"


lobo316



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A  fellow went to the doctor one day and said, "Doc, I have a problem. My penis is red."

Doctor replied, "Drop your pants, let me take a look. Ummm...yes, no problem, we can have you fixed up in no time, $40."

The fellow was impressed. Told his friend of the experience and that he hadn't been to a doctor for only $40 for quite a spell.
His friend said, "Really? I have a similar problem. What doctor did you go to?"

So his friend goes to the same doctor and tells him, "Doc, George recommended you...you've got to help me. My penis is blue."

Doc asks to take a look. "Ah yes... Ummm... Yep, we can take care of it, no problem, $400."

"FOUR HUNDRED DOLLARS?" Wait a MINUTE! You took care of George for only $40."

"Yes, I did. But George's penis had lipstick on it. Yours has gangrene!"


Last edited on Mon Jun 6th, 2011 01:19 am by lobo316

lobo316



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Mickey Mouse and Minnie Mouse had been married for 30 years. Although it had been a good marriage, and they had amassed a large fortune from their partnership in the movies, Mickey was very discontent and unhappy. He went along and spoke with his lawyer about divorcing Minnie. The lawyer was aghast. “Mr Mouse”, he protested “You and Minnie are hero’s to millions of kids. My goodness !! Walt Disney would turn over in his grave if you divorced Minnie. You would need a very good reason to divorce after so many years”. Mickey was adamant. “I’ve got a good reason” he insisted, and told his legal expert. The lawyer agreed and continued to advise Mickey that, under Californian law, there would be a split in their joint property and he would need to discuss that with Minnie. “I’ll send her in tomorrow to see you” promised Mickey. Next day Minnie and the lawyer discussed the terms of settlement. That afternoon Mickey got an urgent call from his lawyer. “Mr Mouse”, cried the lawyer, “I have just spent all morning talking with your wife and I have to tell you, she is completely sane. Under no circumstances will you able to divorce her on the grounds on insanity”. Mickey was horrified. “Insanity … insanity ?? I didn’t say was crazy, you idiot, I said she was fucking Goofy !!!”.

lobo316



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I was in anairport the other day. I must have looked a little confused because Rossi came up to me and said "you lost something mate?"

I replied "yeah...my wife"

He said "me too..."

I asked "whats your wife look like"

He said "blonde, long tanned legs up to her neck, wearing a tight red mini skirt, no knickers, no bra, big tits and a see through top"

He asked "whats yours look like"

Me "who gives a rat's ass,  lets find yours"

Last edited on Mon Jun 6th, 2011 01:23 am by lobo316

lobo316



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Little Sally came home from school with a smile on her face and told her mother, "Frankie Brown showed me his weenie today at the playground !"

Before the mother could raise a concern, Sally went on to say, "It reminded me of a peanut."

Relaxing with a hidden smile, Sally's mum asked, "Really small, was it?"

Sally replied, "No....salty."

lobo316



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Convoy was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really P'd.Off

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Convoy has been missing ever since.

lobo316



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A crusty old biker out on a long summer ride in the country pulls up to a
tavern in the middle of nowhere, parks his bike and walks inside.

As he passes thru the swingin' doors, he sees a sign hanging over the bar :

COLD BEER : $2.00

HAMBURGER : $2.25

CHEESEBURGER : $2.50

CHICKEN SANDWICH : $3.50

HAND JOB : $50.00

Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary payment, the ole' biker
walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female
bartender serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled farmers..
She glides down behind the bar to the ole biker.
Yes?' she inquires with a wide, knowing smile, 'may I help you?'

The ole biker leans over the bar, "I was wondering young lady," he whispers,
"are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?"

She looks into his eyes with that wide smile and purrs "Why yes, Yes, I sure
am".

The ole' biker leans closer and into her left ear whispers softly, "Well,
wash your hands real good, cause I want a cheeseburger."

lobo316



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What happens at Sunday morning at 11?
This case happened in a hospital’s Intensive care ward where Patients always died in the same bed and on all Sunday morning at 11a.m, regardless of their medical condition.

This puzzled the doctors and some even thought that it had something to do with the supernatural. No one could solve the mystery as to why the deaths took place at 11 AM.

So a world-wide expert team was constituted and they decided to go down to the ward to investigate the cause of the incidents. So on the next Sunday morning few minutes before 11 a.m. all doctors and nurses nervously waited outside the ward to see for themselves
what the terrible phenomenon was all about.

Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books and other holy objects to ward off evil……..
Just when the Clock struck 11…

And then……

then…..

then……..



Santa Singh, the part-time Sunday cleaner, entered the ward, unplugged the life support system and plugged in the vacuum cleaner.

lobo316



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Stingmark was in a singles bar and bragged that  he could have sex three times a night. A sexy twenty something hottie  looked intrigued. She said, "Stingy, if I am not being too forward, I'd love to have sex with you. Let's go back to my place."

So they go back to her place and have great sex. Afterwards, Stingy says, "If you think that was good, let me sleep for half an hour, and we can have even better sex. But while I'm sleeping, hold my balls in your left hand and my dick in your right hand."

She looks a bit perplexed, but says, "Okay".

He sleeps for half an hour, awakens, and they have even better sex. Then he says,  "that was wonderful. But if you let me sleep for an hour, we can have the best sex yet. But again, hold my balls in your left hand, and my dick in your right hand."

She is now used to the routine and complies. The results are mind blowing.

Once it's all over, and the cigarettes are lit, she asks "Stingy, tell me, does my holding your balls in my left hand and your dick in my right stimulate you while you're sleeping?"

Stingy replies, "No, but the last time I slept with a slut, she stole my wallet."

beejmi
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A new TV game show in Hollywood had many contestants who were beautiful, but they weren't necessarily too smart. On one show, one such woman was extremely nervous, but tried to make the best of her performance.

The host asked, "Who was the first man, for one thousand dollars?"

She responded, "The first man was Peter, my postman, but he only paid me a hundred dollars"

beejmi
The Big Kahuna


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A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when an absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, tells him she'll see him later, and walks away. His wife glares at him and says, "Who was that??!!"

"Oh" replies the husband, "that was my mistress." "That's it," says the wife, "I want a divorce."

"Ok," replies her husband, "but remember, if you get a divorce there will be no more shopping trips to Paris, no wintering in the Caribbean, no Lexus in the garage, and no more country club. But, the decision is yours."

Just then the wife notices a mutual friend entering the restaurant with a gorgeous woman. "Who is that woman with Jim?" she asks.

"That's his mistress," replies her husband. "Ours is much better looking." says the wife.

lobo316



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A young lady in the maternity ward just prior to labour is asked by the midwife if she would like her husband to be present at the birth.
"I'm afraid I don't have a husband" she replies
"O.K. do you have a boyfriend?" asks the Midwife "No, no boyfriend either."
"Do you have a partner then?"
"No, I'm unattached, I'll be having my baby on my own."
After the birth the midwife again speaks to the young woman. "You have a healthy bouncing baby girl, but I must warn you before you see her that the baby is black"
"Well," replies the girl. "I was very down on my luck, with no money and nowhere to live, and so I accepted a job in a Porno movie. The lead man was black."
"Oh, I'm very sorry," says the midwife, "that's really none of my business and I'm sorry that I have to ask you these awkward questions but I must also tell you that the baby has blonde hair."
"Well yes," the girl again replies, "you see I desperately needed the money and there was this Swedish guy also involved in the movie, what else could I do?"
"Oh, I'm sorry," the midwife repeats, "that's really none of my business and I hate to pry further but your baby has slanted eyes."
"Well yes," continues the girl, "I was incredibly hard up and there was a little Chinese man also in the movie, I really had no choice."
At this the midwife again apologizes collects the baby and presents her to the girl, who immediately proceeds to give baby a slap on the bum.. The baby starts crying and the mother exclaims,
"Well thank god for that !"
"What do you mean?" says the midwife, shocked.
"Well," says the girl extremely relieved, "I had this horrible feeling that the little bastard was going to bark!"

lobo316



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Mrs. Lobo & I were dressed and ready to go out for the New Year’s Eve Party.
We turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard.

We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi.
The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house.

As we walked out the door, the cat we had put out in the yard, scoots back into the house.
We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird.

My wife goes on out to the taxi, while I went back inside to get the cat.
The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit.
Waiting in the cab, my wife didn't  want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night.
So, she explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon,
'He's just going upstairs to say Goodbye to my mother.'

A few minutes later, I get into the cab. 'Sorry I took so long,' I said, as we drove away.
'That stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her ass with a coat hanger to get her to come out!
She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me.
But it worked! I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!
She better not shit in the vegetable garden again!'

beejmi
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What's the difference between LeBron and a dollar?

You get four quarters out of a dollar

 

lobo316



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Blonde collects her jacket from the dry cleaners.
Asian Lady "Thank you madam, come again."
Blonde " It was toothpaste this time you nosy bitch!"

lobo316



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A man is in a hotel lobby. As he runs to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman and as he does, his elbow hits her breast.
They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me."
She replies, "If your dick is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 243."


lobo316



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One night as a way to save money, a young couple had an idea that every time they have sex the husband puts his pocket change into a piggy bank near their bed. But after they had sex one night, the husband accidentally knocked the piggy bank onto the floor where it smashes in pieces.

When he looked onto the floor, he was surprised to see a few five and ten dollar bills. He asks his wife "What's up with all the dollar bills?", to his wife which replies, "Well, not everyone is as cheap as you are."


lobo316



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A few minutes before the church services started, the congregation were sitting in their pews and talking.

Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.

Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.

Soon the church was empty except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence..

So Satan walked up to the man and said, 'Do you know who I am?'

The man replied, 'Yep, sure do.'

'Aren't you afraid of me?' Satan asked.

'Nope, sure ain't.' said the man.

'Don't you realize I can kill you with one word?' asked Satan.

'Don't doubt it for a minute,' returned the old man, in an even tone.

'Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying AGONY for all eternity?' persisted Satan.

'Yep,' was the calm reply.

'And you are still not afraid?' asked Satan.

' Nope,' said the old man

More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, 'Why aren't you afraid of me?'
The man calmly replied,

'Been married to your sister for 48 years.'
__________________

lobo316



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A young man asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of breasts are there?"

The father, surprised, answers:

"Well, son, there are three kinds of breasts.

In her twenties, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and firm.

In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit.

After fifty, they are like onions."

"Onions?"

"Yes, see them and they make you cry."

lobo316



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A man walks into a bar with a paper bag.

He sits down and places the bag on the counter.

The bartender walks up and asks what's in the bag.

The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a little man, about 9" high and sets him on the counter.

He reaches back into the bag and pulls out a small piano, settingit on the counter as well.

He reaches into the bag once again and pulls out a tiny piano bench, which he places in front of the piano.

The little man sits down at the piano, and starts playing a beautiful piece by Mozart!

"Where on earth did you get that?" says the bartender.

The man responds by reaching into the paper bag.

This time he pulls out a magic lamp.

He hands it to the bartender and says: "Here. Rub it."

So the bartender rubs the lamp, and suddenly there's a gust of smoke and a beautiful genie is standing before him.

"I will grant you one wish... Just one wish... each person is only allowed one!"

The bartender gets real excited.

Without hesitating he says, "I want a million bucks!"

A few moments later, a duck walks into the bar.

It is soon followed by another duck, then another.

Pretty soon, the entire bar is filled with ducks and they keep coming!

The bartender turns to the man and says, "Y'know, I think your genie's a little deaf. I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks."

"No shit!!" says the man, "do you really think I asked for a 9 inch pianist?

beejmi
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If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it will always be yours. If it doesn't come back, it was never yours to begin with. But, if it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money, and doesn't appear to realize that you had set it free... You either married it or gave birth to it

lobo316



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A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?”

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard.

The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?“

lobo316



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A newlywed couple moves into their new house. One day the husband comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, you know, in the upstairs bathroom one of the pipes is leaking, could you fix it?" The husband says, "What do I look like, Mr. Plumber?" A few days go by, and he comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, the car won't start. I think it needs a new battery. Could you change it for me?" He says: "What do I look like, Mr. Goodwrench?" Another few days go by, and it's raining pretty hard. The wife finds a leak in the roof. She says, "Honey, there's a leak on the roof! Can you please fix it?" He says, "What do I look like, Bob Vila?" The next day the husband comes home, and the roof is fixed. So is the plumbing. So is the car. He asks his wife what happened. "Oh, I had a handyman come in and fix them," she says. "Great! How much is that going to cost me?" he snarls. Wife says: "Nothing. He said he'd do it for free if I either baked him a cake or had sex with him." "Uh, well, what kind of cake did you make?" asks the husband. "What do I look like," she says, "Betty Crocker?"

lobo316



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On a passenger flight, the pilot comes over the public address system as usual and to greet the passengers. He tells them at what altitude they’ll be flying, the expected arrival time, and a bit about the weather, and advises them to relax and have a good flight.. Then, forgetting to turn off the microphone, he says to his co-pilot, "What would relax me right now is a cup of coffee and a blowjob." All the passengers hear it. As a stewardess immediately begins to run toward the cockpit to tell the pilot of his slip-up, one of the passengers stops her and says "Don’t forget the coffee!"

lobo316



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A guy walks into a bar with his dog and says, "I'll have a Scotch and water and my dog would like a whiskey sour."
The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't allow animals in here."
The dog replies, "Hey, I'm tired of being discriminated against. Just give me a drink."
The bartender says, "Oh, no, not another ventriloquist with the old talking dog trick. Both of you, get out of here!"
"No, no, no, this isn't a trick, I promise you," says the man, "I tell you what, I'll go for a walk around the block and you talk to Rover here."
The man leaves and the bartender sees him turn the corner.
"Now, can I have my drink." says the dog.
The bartender is amazed. "Sure you can and it's on the house! Listen, can you do me a favour? My wife works next door at the cafe. It'll make her day if you go in and order a cup of coffee. Here's ten bucks and you can keep the change afterwards."
"Okay." says the dog and he takes the ten dollars and leaves.
Ten minutes go by and the dog doesn't come back. The owner returns and asks where is the dog. So both of them go off to see what happened to the dog.
As they approach the cafe, they see Rover going at it hot and heavy with a French poodle in the alley between the bar and cafe.
The owner shouts, "Rover! What are you doing! You've never done this before!"
The dog shrugged. "Hell, I've never had any money before."

The Ultimate Sin
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lobo316 wrote:
On a passenger flight, the pilot comes over the public address system as usual and to greet the passengers. He tells them at what altitude they’ll be flying, the expected arrival time, and a bit about the weather, and advises them to relax and have a good flight.. Then, forgetting to turn off the microphone, he says to his co-pilot, "What would relax me right now is a cup of coffee and a blowjob." All the passengers hear it. As a stewardess immediately begins to run toward the cockpit to tell the pilot of his slip-up, one of the passengers stops her and says "Don’t forget the coffee!"

You ever been on an airplane, Chief?

Benlen



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Judge Judy to Prostitute:
"When did you realize you were raped?"
Prostitute (wiping away tears):
"When the check bounced."

beejmi
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A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for
several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One
day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by
him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been
with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to
support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were
by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health
started failing, you were still by my side...

You know what?"

"What dear?" she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to
fill with warmth. "

"I think you're bad luck, get the Fuck away from me .."

beejmi
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A little boy walks into his parents' room to see his Mom on top of his dad bouncing up and down. The Mom sees her son and quickly dismounts, worried about what her son has seen. She dresses quickly and goes to find him. The son sees his Mom and asks, "What were you and Dad doing?" The mother replies "Well you know your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I have to get on top of it to help flatten it." "You're wasting your time," said the boy. "Why is that?" asked his Mom, puzzled. "Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on her knees and blows it right back up."

lobo316



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The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their
parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell
their stories.

There were all the regular types of stuff: spilled milk and pennies
saved. But then the teacher realized, much to her dismay, that
only Janie was left.

“Janie, do you have a story to share?' ''Yes ma'am. My daddy told
me a story about my Mommy.

She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She
had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of
whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife.


She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break,
and then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 Iraqi troops.
She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed
four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the
last Iraqi with her bare hands.


''Good Heavens,' said the horrified teacher. 'What did your Daddy tell
you was the moral to this horrible story?

"Stay away from Mommy when she's been drinking."

lobo316



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It's not difficult to make a woman happy.

A man only needs to be:


1. a friend
2. a companion
3.. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a sexologist
15. a gynecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organizer
22. a good father
23. very clean
24. sympathetic
25. athletic
26. warm
27. attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31. creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant
36. prudent
37. ambitious
38.. capable
39. courageous
40. determined
41. true
42. dependable
43. passionate
44. compassionate

WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:

45. give her compliments regularly
46. love shopping
47. be honest
48. be very rich
49. not stress her out
50. not look at other girls

AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:

51. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
52. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
53. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes

IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:

54. Never to forget:
* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes





HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY

1. Show up naked


2. Bring alcohol

lobo316



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Sister Catherine
and Sister Helen, are traveling through Europe
in their car. They get to Transylvania and
are stopped at a traffic light. Suddenly,
out of nowhere, a tiny little Dracula jumps onto
the hood of the car and hisses through the
windshield.

"Quick,
quick!" shouts Sister Catherine. "What shall we
do?"

"Turn
the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of
the abomination," says Sister
Helen.

Sister
Catherine switches them on, knocking Dracula
about, but he clings on and continues hissing at
the nuns.

"What
shall I do now?" she
shouts.

"Switch
on the windshield washer. I filled it up with
Holy Water at the Vatican ," says Sister Helen
.

Sister
Catherine turns on the windshield washer.
Dracula screams as the water burns his skin, but
he clings on and continues hissing at the
nuns.

"Now
what?" shouts Sister
Catherine.

"Show
him your cross," says Sister
Helen.

"Now
you're talking," says Sister
Catherine.

She
opens the window and shouts, "Get the fuck off
the windshield! "

beejmi
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A man and his wife were watching a psychology tv show about the phenomenon of mixed emotions. When the show was over the man said, "Honey, that is a bunch of crap. I don't think there is anything anyone can say that would make me feel happy and sad at the same time." The wife replied, "Out of all your friends dear, you have the biggest penis."

beejmi
The Big Kahuna


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The Dodge City, KS Police Department reports finding a man's body in the Arkansas River bed near the 14th Street Bridge. The dead man's name will not be released until his family has been notified.

The victim apparently died of excessive beer consumption. He was wearing black fishnet stockings, a red garter belt, a pink G-string, a strap-on dildo, purple lipstick, and an Obama for President in 2008 t-shirt.. He also had a cucumber in his rectum.

The police removed the Obama t-shirt to spare his family any unnecessary embarrassment.



 

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A woman walks into a supermarket and buys:

1 bar of soap
1 toothbrush
1 tube of toothpaste
1 loaf of bread
1 pint of milk
1 single serving of cereal
1 single serving frozen dinner
1 can of Soup For One
1 16oz can of Miller Lite

The guy at the checkout looks at her and says, "Single, are you?"

The woman smiles sweetly and replies, "How did you guess?"

He replies, "Because you're ugly."

lobo316



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An elderly man is stopped by the police around 1am and is asked where he is going at this time of night.

The man replies, "I am going to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body."

The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"

The man replies, "That would be my wife."

lobo316



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A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the oasis, only to find a little old Jewish man at a small stand, selling ties...

The Taliban asked, "Do you have water?"

The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $25."

The Taliban shouted, "You Idiot! I do not need an over-priced tie.. I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first!"

"OK," said the little old Jewish man, "It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the ice cold water you need.
Shalom."

Cursing, the Taliban staggered away over the hill.


Several hours later he staggered back, almost dead, and said:

"Your fucking brother won't let me in without a tie....."

lobo316



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A very tall man walks into a bar, and a lady recognizes him as a basketball player. They start to talk, and eventually go back to his place.

They start to kiss, and the man takes off his shirt. On his arm, he has a tattoo that says REEBOK.

"What's that for?" the lady questions.

"Oh, I have this so that when I'm on TV, people will see my tattoo, and Reebok pays me."

Then the man takes off his trousers, and on his leg, he has a tattoo that says NIKE.

'What's that ?' the lady questions again.

"Just like the Reebok tattoo, I get paid when this tattoo is seen on TV."

Then the man drops his underwear and on his penis he has a tattoo that says AIDS.

The lady screams: "Don't tell me you have AIDS!"

The man replies: "No, no.....!!! Calm down," "It will say ADIDAS in a minute...........!!!"

srossi

 

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A Steelers fan, Colts fan, & Patriots fan are climbing a mountain and arguing about who loves their team the most. The Steelers fan insists that he is the most loyal. He yells, ''This is for Pittsburgh!'' and jumps off the mountain. Not to be outdone, the Colts fan is next to profess his love for his team. He yells "This is for Indiana!" and pushes the Patriots fan off the mountain.

CanadianHorseman



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A pregnant woman was involved in a car accident and, while in the hospital, she fell into a coma. When she awoke days later, the woman noticed that she was no longer carrying a child, and asked, "Doc, what happened to my baby!"

The doctor replied, "Ma'am, you've had twins! You're the proud mother of a handsome baby boy and a beautiful baby girl. Also, you should know that while you were in a coma, your brother named the children for you."

"Oh, no!" shrieked the woman. "Not my brother! He's not really all together, if you know what I mean!"

The doctor replied, "Well, ma'am, your brother named your daughter Denise."

"Oh, that's no so bad," smiled the woman. Then, hesitantly, she asked, "What's the boy's name?"

The doctor grinned and said, "Denephew.

lobo316



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Congrats to Amy Winehouse ! She has been sober for 2 weeks.

lobo316



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A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming
around in Mexico .

While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.

He asked the waiter, 'What is that you just served?'

The waiter replied, 'Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are called Cojones de Toro, bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!'

The cowboy said, 'What the heck, bring me an order.'

The waiter replied, 'I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy.'

The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said, 'These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday.'
The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied,  "Si, Senor. Sometimes the bull wins."

lobo316



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Top 10 Viagra slogans.

10.Viagra, Whaazzzz up!
9. Viagra, The quicker pecker upper.
8. Viagra, Like a rock!
7. Viagra, When it absolutely, positively has to
be there overnight.
6. Viagra, Be all that you can be.
5. Viagra, Reach out and touch someone.
4. Viagra, Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman
3. Viagra, home of the whopper!
2. Viagra, We bring good things to Life!

and the number one Viagra slogan:

1. This is your penis. This is your penis on drugs.

lobo316



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A driver is stuck in a traffic jam in Canberra
Nothing is moving.
Suddenly a man knocks on the car window. The driver rolls down his window and asks, 'What's going on?'

'Terrorists down the road have kidnapped Rosie O'Donnell, Doprah, & Nancy Grace. They're asking for a $10 million ransom. Otherwise they're going to douse them with petrol and set them on fire. We're racing from car to car, taking up a collection.'

The driver asks, 'How much is everyone giving, on average?'

"About 3 gallons"



 

lobo316



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Energizer Bunny Found Dead

The world was stunned by news today, of the death of the Energizer Bunny.
He was 6 years old. Authorities believe that the death occured approximately 8:42 PM last evening.
Best known as the irritating pink bunny that kept going, and going.. "Pinkie" as he was known to his friends and
relatives, was alone at the time of his death.
An emergency autopsy was performed early this morning. Chief Medical Examiner, Dura Cell, concluded that the cause of death was acute cardiac arrest induced by sexual overstimulation.
Apparently, someone had put Mr. Bunny's batteries in backwards, and he kept coming, and coming, and coming, and coming and.............

lobo316



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The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair, where the activities for her 100th birthday were taking place. Grandma couldn't speak very well, but she would write notes when she needed to communicate.

After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the right, so some family members grabbed her, straightened her up, and stuffed pillows on her right..

A short time later, she started leaning off to her left, so again the family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left.

Soon she started leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed her, and then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up.

A nephew who arrived late came up to Grandma and said, "Hi, Grandma, you're looking good! How are they treating you?"

Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to the nephew...

"Bastards won't let me fart."

lobo316



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A teacher gave her class of 11 year olds an assignment: To get their
parent to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their
stories.

Ashley said, 'My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens.
One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front
seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs got
broken..'

'What's the morale of that story?' asked the teacher.
'Don't put all your eggs in one basket!'Very good,' said the teacher.


Next little Sarah raised her hand and said, 'Our family are farmers too.
But we raise chickens for the meat market. One day we had a dozen
eggs, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to
this story, is,
'Don't count your chickens before they're hatched'.'
'That was a fine story Sarah.'

Michael, do you have a story to share?'


'Yes. My daddy told me this story about my Aunty Sharon. Aunty Sharon
was a flight engineer on a plane in the Gulf War and her plane got hit.
She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle
of whisky, a machine gun and a machete.
She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then
she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops.
She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of
bullets.
Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke.
then she killed the last ten with her bare hands.'
Good heavens,' said the horrified teacher, 'what kind of moral did
your daddy tell you from that horrible story?'
'Stay the fuck away from Aunty Sharon when she's been drinking.'

lobo316



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A girl asks her doctor how many calories are there in sperm ?????
Doctor says "Believe me, if you swallow, no one will give a fuck how fat you are."
__________________

lobo316



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A guy was brought to criminal court for the murder of his wife.

Judge: "Sir, you have been brought before me and stand accused of killing your wife. What do you have to say in your defense?"

Man: "Well your Honor, I came home early and found my wife in bed with my best friend so I shot the bitch. That's all I have to say."

Judge: "I see nothing in the transcript that mentions what happened to your best friend, so ..... what happened to him?"

Man: " Well your Honor, I pointed my finger at him and said BAD DOG, BAD DOG."

beejmi
The Big Kahuna


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Stevie Wonder is playing his first gig in Tokyo and the place is absolutely packed to the rafters. In a bid to break the ice with his new audience he asks if anyone would like him to play a request.
A little old Japanese man jumps out of his seat in the first row and shouts at the top of his voice “Play a Jazz chord ! Play a jazz chord!”

Amazed that this guy knows about the jazz influences in Stevie's varied career, the blind impresario starts to play an E minor scale and then goes into a difficult jazz melody for about 10 minutes. When he finishes the whole place goes wild.
The little old man jumps up again and shouts “No, no, play a Jazz chord, play a Jazz chord.”

A bit ticked off by this, Stevie, being the professional that he is, dives straight into a jazz improvisation with his band around the B flat minor chord and really tears the place apart. The crowd goes wild with this impromptu show of his technical expertise.
The little old man jumps up again. “No, no. Play a Jazz chord, play a jazz chord.”

Well and truly outraged that this little guy doesn't seem to appreciate his playing ability, Stevie says to him from the stage “OK smart ass. You get up here and do it!”

The little old man climbs up onto the stage, takes hold of the mike and starts to sing…
“A jazz chord to say I ruv you...”

lobo316



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An old guy goes to his doctor for his physical and gets sent to the Urologist as a precaution. When he gets there, he discovers the Urologist is a very pretty female doctor.


The female doctor says, "I'm going to check your prostate today, but this new procedure is a little different from what you are probably used to. I want you to lie on your right side, bend your knees, then while I check your prostate, take a deep breath and say, '99'.

The old guy obeys and says 99".


The pretty doctor says, "Great. Now turn over on your left side and again, while I repeat the check, take a deep breath and say, '99'."


Again, the old guy says, '99'."

The doctor said, Very good. Now then, I want you to lie on your back with your knees raised slightly. I'm going to check your prostate with this hand, and with the other hand I'm going to hold on to your penis to keep it out of the way. Now take a deep breath and say, '99'.

The old guy begins, "One ... Two ... Three" ...

lobo316



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God visits a man and tells him he must give up smoking, drinking and sex if he wants to get into Heaven. The man says he’ll try. God visits him a week later to see how he’s getting on. “Not bad” says the man, “I’ve given up drinking and smoking, but when the wife bent over the freezer, I had to fuck her up the ass.”
“They don’t like that sort of thing in Heaven” said God. The man replied, “They’re not too happy about it in Woolworths either".

lobo316



Joined: Sun Oct 14th, 2007
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Top Ten Old West Phrases That Will Never Sound The Same Again Since That Damned Gay Cowboy Movie "Brokeback Mountain"

1. "I'm gonna pump you fulla lead!"

2. "Give me a stiff one, barkeep!"

3. "Don't fret---I've been in tight spots before."

4. "Howdy, pardner."

5. You stay here while I sneak around from behind."

6. Two words: "Saddle Sore."

7. "Hold it right there! Now, move your hand, reeeal slow-like"

8. "Let's mount up!"

9. "Nice spread ya got there!"

10. "Ride'em cowboy!"

kargol



Joined: Thu Oct 18th, 2007
Location: Brum, United Kingdom
Posts: 4378
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Last week I drove through the Downs.

That's the last time I take a shortcut through a special school.

The Hammer



Joined: Sat Nov 17th, 2007
Location: A Trailer Park Near You, North Carolina USA
Posts: 4518
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A black guy and a white guy are in the doctor's office waiting to get vasectomy's. A nurse comes inand asks the men to strip and put on their medical gowns while they wait for the doctor. A few minutes later she comes back, reaches under the black man's gown and begins to masterbate him. Shocked, he asks, "What the hell are you doing?" To which she replies, "We have to vacate the sperm from your system to have a clean procedure." Not wanting to cause a problem, he relaxes and enjoys it as she completes her task. The white man watches all of this and by the time the nurse turns to him, he is quite ready for his turn. To his surprise she takes her top off and drops to her knees, opens her lips and begins to give him a blow job. The black man, surprised too, asks, "Hey, what is this? Why is it that I get a hand job and he gets a blow job?" The nurse says, "That sir, is the difference between ObamaCare & Blue Cross/Blue Sheild!!!" 

lobo316



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Two priests are in a Vatican bathroom using the urinals.

One of them looks at the other one's penis and notices there's a Nicorette patch on it.

He looks at the other priest and says, "I believe you're supposed to put that patch on your arm or shoulder, not your penis".

The other one replies, "It's working just fine. I'm down to two butts a day".

lobo316



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Jon and Andy were in a mental institution. This place had an annual contest picking two of the best patients and gives them two questions. If they got them correct, they're deemed cured and free to go. Jon was called into the doctor's office first and asked if he understood that he'd be free if he answered the questions correctly.

The doctor said, "Jon, what would happen if I poked out one of your eyes?" Jon said, "I'd be half blind." "That's correct. What if I poked out both eyes?" "I'd be completely blind."

The doctor stood up, shook Jon's hand, and told him he was free. On Jon's way out, as the doctor filled out the paperwork, Jon mentioned the exam to his friend Andy. He told him what questions were going to be asked and gave him the answers. So Andy came in.

The doctor went thru the formalities and asked, "What would happen if I cut off one ear?"
Andy, remembering what Jon had said was the correct answer said, "I'd be half blind."
The doctor looked a little puzzled, but went on.

"What if I cut off the other ear?" "I'd be completely blind," Andy answered. "Andy, can you explain how you'd be *blind*?" "My hat would fall down over my eyes..."

lobo316



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The room was full of pregnant women with their partners. The class was in full swing.

The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly and was telling the men how to give the necessary assurance to
their partners at this stage of the pregnancy.

She said "ladies, remember that exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will
make delivery that much easier!"

She looked at the men in the room, "and gentlemen, remember -- you're in this together --- it wouldn't hurt you to go
walking with her."

The room suddenly got very quiet as the men absorbed this information.

Then a man at the back of the room slowly raised his hand. "yes?" answered the teacher. "I was just wondering. Is it all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"

lobo316



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An ugly woman walks into a shop with her 2 kids.

The shopkeeper asks "Are they twins?"

The woman says,"No, he's 9 and she's 7. Why? Do you think they look
alike?"

"No." he replies. "I just can't believe you got laid twice!"


lobo316



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Little Johnny's next-door neighbour had a baby.

Unfortunately, the little baby was born with no ears. When they arrived home from the hospital, the parents invited Little Johnny's family to come over and see their new baby. Little Johnny's parents were very afraid their son would have a wise crack to say about the baby. So, Little Johnny's dad had a long talk with Little Johnny before going to the neighbours.
He said, "Now son, that poor baby was born without any ears. I want you to be on your best behaviour and not say one word about his ears, or I'm really going to slap your arse when we get back home."

"I promise not to mention his ears at all," said Little Johnny.
At the neighbour's home, Little Johnny leaned over the crib and touched the baby's hand. He looked at the baby's mother and said, "Oh, what a beautiful little baby!" The mother, who had braced herself for Johnny's comment, was pleasantly surprised and said, Thank you very much, Little Johnny."

He then said, "This baby has perfect little hands and perfect little feet. Why, just look at his pretty little eyes! Did his doctor say he can see good?" The mother a bit bewildered, hesitantly replied, "Why, yes.... his doctor said he has 20/20 vision, why do you ask?"

Little Johnny said,

"Well, it's a good thing, cause he'd be f**ked if he needed to
wear glasses!"

lobo316



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A blonde goes into a coffee shop and notices there's
A 'peel and win' sticker on her coffee cup.
So she peels it off and starts screaming,

'I've won a motor home!

I've won a motor home!'

The waitress says, 'That's impossible.
The biggest prize is a free Lunch.'

But the blonde keeps on screaming,

'I've won a motor home!

I've won a motor home!'

Finally, the manager comes over and says,
'Ma'am, I'm sorry, but you're mistaken.
You couldn't have possibly won a motor home
Because we didn't have that as a prize.

The blonde says, 'No, it's not a mistake.
I've won a motor home!'
And she hands the ticket to the
Manager and HE reads...


 

 

wait for it

 

 

'W I N A B A G E L'

lobo316



Joined: Sun Oct 14th, 2007
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Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert after crossing into the United States , wandering aimlessly and starving. They are about to just lie down and wait for death, when all of a sudden Luis says.......

"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I theenk."

"Si, Luis, eet sure smells like bacon. "

With renewed hope they struggle up the next sand dune , & there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.

There's raw bacon, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon .... every imaginable kind of cured pork.

"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved. Ees a bacon tree."

"Luis, maybe ees a meerage? We ees in the desert don't forget.."

"Pepe, since when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon...ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree."

And with that, Luis staggers towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres, Pepe crawling close behind, when suddenly a machine gun opens up, and Luis drops like a wet sock. Mortally wounded, he warns Pepe with his dying breath,

"Pepe... go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree!"

"Luis, Luis mi amigo... what ees it? "

"Pepe.. ees not a bacon tree. Ees

Ees

ess

 

wait for it

 

 

Ees a ham bush.

lobo316



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A cannibal was walking through the jungle and came upon a restaurant
operated by a fellow cannibal. Feeling somewhat hungry, he sat down
and looked over the menu...

Tourist: $5.00
Broiled Missionary: $7.00
Fried Explorer: $9.00
Freshly Baked: Labor party, Liberals/Nationals, Democrats or Greens :
$150.00

The cannibal called the waiter over and asked, /'Why such a huge price//
difference for the Politicians?'/


The cook replied,
"Have you ever tried to clean one? They're so full of shit, it takes
all morning
to clean the bastards!!.
__________________

lobo316



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Two men camping in the mountains had spent four days together and they were getting a little testy.

One morning, the first friend says, "You know, we're starting to get on each other's nerves. Why don't we split up today. I'll hike north and spend the day looking around, you hike south and spend the day. Then tonight, we'll have dinner and share our experiences over the campfire."

The second friend agrees and hikes south. The first man hikes north.

That night over dinner, the first man tells his story. "Today I hiked into a beautiful valley. I followed a stream up into a canyon and ate lunch. Then I swam in a crystal clear mountain lake. As I sat out and dried, I watched deer come and drink from the stream. The wildflowers were filled with butterflies and hawks floated all day overhead. How was your day?"

The second friend says, "I went south and ran across a set of railroad tracks. I followed them until I came across a beautiful young woman tied to the tracks. I cut the ropes off, gently lifted her off the tracks and we had sex in every imaginable way all afternoon. Finally, when I was so tired I could barely move, I came back to camp."

"Wow!!" the first guy exclaimed, "Your day was MUCH better than mine. Did you get a blow job, too?"

"Nah," says the second friend over his meal, "I couldn't find her head."

CanadianHorseman



Joined: Fri Nov 2nd, 2007
Location: Vancouver, British Columbia Canada
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The worst ethnic joke ever told:



An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a German, an Indian, an American, an Argentinian, a Dane, an Australian, a Slovakian, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a Croatian, a Uzbek, a Cypriot, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, a Ugandan, a Vietnamese, a Korean, a Uraguayan, a Czech, an Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, an Israeli, a Venezuelan, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Estonian, a Brazilian, a Portuguese, a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, a Hungarian, a Canadian, a Moldovan, a Haitian, a Norfolk Islander, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a Cook Islander, a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an Armenian, a Aruban, an Albanian, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin Islander, a Georgian, a Bahamanian, a Belarusian, a Cuban, a Tongan, a Cambodian, a Qatari, an Azerbaijani, a Romanian, a Chilean, a Kyrgyzstani, a Jamaican, a Filipino, a Ukrainian, a Dutchman, a Taiwanese, an Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian and an African all walk into a fine restaurant.

"I'm sorry," said the snooty maître d', "but you can't come in here without a Thai.

lobo316



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A man approached a very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and said, "I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"
The woman looked puzzled. "Why talk to me?" she asked.
"Because every time I talk to a woman with tits like yours, my wife appears out of nowhere"

lobo316



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The Boss turns up at his office one Monday morning and says "Good morning" to his Receptionist.
She responds "Good morning Sir...Oh...Are you OK?"
The Boss says "I'm fine, why do you ask".
Receptionist says "You don't look very good".
Boss passes it off and continues down the hallway past his Accountant.
"Good morning" he says.
The Accountant responds "Umm...Good morning....are you alright?"
Boss says "I feel great, why do you ask?"
Accountant replies "You look awful".
Boss starts to get a little worried now.
He passes his business partner's office, pokes his head in and says "Good morning".
The partner responds "My God, are you alright? - you look bloody terrible!"
Boss says "I feel terrific, but I'm getting worried now".
His partner strongly suggests he goes to visit his Doctor immediately, so off he goes.

The Doctor asks the usual "What's the problem?"
The Boss responds "I don't get it - everyone I've met today say I look terrible, but I feel great - what's wrong with me Doc?"
The Doc goes over to his bookshelf, pulls down a medical journal and starts flicking through it saying "Hmmmm.....looks terrible, feels great.......let's see..... I HAVE IT!"


wait for it

 

 

"You're a cunt"

lobo316



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There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research.

This means that by 2020, there should be a large elderly population with big  tits and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them

lobo316



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As I stepped out of the shower, the missus laughed and told me that my penis closely resembled a Tic-Tac. "If that's the case," I joked,"why does your sister still have bad breath?"

lobo316



Joined: Sun Oct 14th, 2007
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NEW JENNY CRAIG WEIGHT LOSS PROGRAM

A guy calls the company and orders their 5 day - 5kg weight loss program.

The next day, there's a knock on the door and standing before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck.

She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.

The sign reads, 'If you can catch me, you can have me.'

Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later huffing and puffing, he finally gives up.

The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens.

On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 5kgs as promised.

He calls the company and orders their 5 day - 10kg program.

The next day there's a knock at the door and standing before him is the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, 'If you catch me, you can have me'.

Well, he's out the door after her like a shot.

This girl is in excellent shape and despite his best efforts, but no such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.

Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 10kgs, as promised.

He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order their 7 day - 25kg program.

'Are you sure?' asks the representative on the phone. 'This is our most rigorous program.'

'Absolutely,' he replies, 'I haven't felt this good in years.'

The next day there's a knock at the door and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads,

'If I catch you, you're mine.'

He lost 31kgs that week. . .

lobo316



Joined: Sun Oct 14th, 2007
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I was walking through the cemetery this morning and
saw a guy crouching down behind a tombstone.
I said, "Morning."
He said, "No, just taking a shit."

lobo316



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I went to an extremely attractive female doctor today for my
annual checkup.
She told me that I had to quit masturbating.

I asked why and she said, "Because I'm trying to examine you."

lobo316



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An old retired sailor, puts on his old uniform and heads for the docks once more, for old times sake.

He engages a prostitute ......and takes her up to a room. He's soon going at it as well as he can for a guy his age, but needing some reassurance, he asks, 'How am I doing?'

The prostitute replies, 'Well Ray, you old sailor, you're doing about three knots.'

'Three knots?' He asks, 'What's that supposed to mean?'

She says, 'You're knot hard, you're knot in, and you're knot getting your money back !'

lobo316



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When George Burns was 97 years old he was interviewed by Oprah Winfrey.
Oprah asked,' Mr. Burns, how do you carry so much energy with you? You are always working and at your age I think that is remarkable.'
Mr. Burns said, 'I just take good care of myself and enjoy what I do when I do it.'
Oprah said, 'I understand you still do the sex thing, even at your age.'
George said, 'Of course I still do the sex thing, and I am quite good at it.'
Oprah said, 'I have never been with an older man, would you do it with me?'
So they had sex and when they finished Oprah said, 'I just don't believe I have ever been so satisfied, you are a remarkable man.'
George said, 'The second time is even better than the first time'
Oprah said, 'You can really do it again at your age?'
George said, 'Just let me sleep for 1/2 hour. You hold my testicles in your left hand and my penis in your right hand and wake me up in thirty minutes.'
When she woke him up, they again had great sex, and Oprah was beside herself with joy. She said, 'Oh Mr. Burns, I am astounded that you could do a repeat performance and have it be better than the first time. At your age, Oh My, Oh My!!!'
George said that the third time would be even better 'You just hold my testicles in your left hand and my penis in your right hand and wake me in thirty minutes.'
Oprah said, 'Does me holding you like that kind of recharge your batteries?'
George said, 'No, but the last time I had sex with a black woman she stole my wallet!'

lobo316



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Two gay men decide to have a baby. They mix their sperm together and
have a surrogate mother artificially inseminated with it.

When the baby is born, they rush to the hospital. A dozen babies are in the ward,
eleven of whom are crying and screaming. Over in the corner, one baby is
smiling serenely.

A nurse comes by, and to the delight of the gay fathers, she points out the
happy child as theirs.

'Isn't it wonderful?' one gay says to the other. "All these unhappy babies .... and
yet our baby is so happy. This just proves the superiority of gay love!'

The nurse says, 'Oh sure he's happy now, but just watch what happens
when I pull the thermometer out of his arse!'

lobo316



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Bob, a handsome dude, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 pm. He sat down
next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV.

The 10 pm news was coming on. The news crew was covering the story of a
man on the ledge of a tall building preparing to jump.

The blonde looked at Bob and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"
Bob said, "You know, I bet he'll jump."

The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."
Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, "You're on!"

Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did
a swan dive off the building, falling to his death.

The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to Bob, saying,
"Fair's fair. Here's your money."

Bob replied, "I can't take your money. I saw this earlier on the 5
pm news, and so I knew he would jump."

The blonde replied, "I did too, but didn't think he'd do it again."

beejmi
The Big Kahuna


Joined: Sat Oct 13th, 2007
Location: Philly
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Jesus and Satan were having an on-going argument about who was better on the computer. They had been going at it for days, and frankly God was tired of hearing all the bickering.

Finally fed up, God said, 'THAT'S IT! I have had enough. I am going toset up a test that will run for two hours, and from those results, I will judge who does the better job.'

So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away.

They moused.

They faxed.

They e-mailed.

They e-mailed with attachments..

They downloaded.

They did spreadsheets!

They wrote reports.

They created labels and cards.

They created charts and graphs.

They did some genealogy reports.

They did every job known to man.

Jesus worked with heavenly efficiency and Satan was faster than hell.

Then, ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, rain poured, and, of course, the power went off...

Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld.

Jesus just sighed....

Finally, the electricity came back on, and each of them restarted their computers. Satan started searching frantically, screaming:

'It's gone! It's all GONE! 'I lost everything when the power went out!' Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours of work.
Satan observed this and became irate.

'Wait!' he screamed. That's not fair! He cheated! How come he has all his work and I don't have any?'

God just shrugged and said,


JESUS SAVES

CanadianHorseman



Joined: Fri Nov 2nd, 2007
Location: Vancouver, British Columbia Canada
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^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

katook



Joined: Tue Sep 21st, 2010
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That last joke was horrid and rancid.

 

I acn't believe I LOLed at it.

beejmi
The Big Kahuna


Joined: Sat Oct 13th, 2007
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How do you know if you have a high sperm count?

If she has to chew before she swallows.

Chrisstlouis

 

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What do you call a black man on the moon? A problem

What do you call 2 black men on the moon? A bigger problem

What do you call all the black men on the moon? problem solved.

Chrisstlouis

 

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What do you get when you cross the million man march with a million lesbians? 2 million people that dont do dick

lobo316



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The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history.
Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death'?"

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Akio, a bright foreign
exchange student from Japan, who had his hand up: 'Patrick Henry, 1775',
he said. 'Very good!' Who said, 'Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall
not perish from the Earth?'
Again, no response except from Akio, 'Abraham Lincoln, 1863'.
'Excellent!', said the teacher continuing, 'let's try one a bit more difficult...'
Who said, 'Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country?'
Once again, Akio's was the only hand in the air and he said: 'John F. Kennedy, 1961'.
The teacher snapped at the class, 'Class, you should be ashamed of
yourselves, Akio isn't from this country and he knows more about
our history than you do.'
She heard a loud whisper: 'Fuck the Japs,'
'Who said that? I want to know right now!' she angrily demanded.
Akio put his hand up, 'General MacArthur, 1945.'

At that point, a student in the back said, 'I'm gonna puke.'
The teacher glared around and asks, 'All right! Now who said that!?'
Again, Akio said, 'George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister,1991..'

Now furious, another student yelled, 'Oh yeah? Suck this!'
Akio jumped out of his chair waving his hand and shouted to the
teacher, 'Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!'

Now with almost mob hysteria someone said, 'You little shit. If you say
anything else, I'll kill you.'

Akio frantically yelled at the top of his voice, "Michael Jackson
to the child witness testifying against him, 2004.'

lobo316



Joined: Sun Oct 14th, 2007
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A vampire goes into the bar and ask the bartender for a cup of hot water.
The bartender pours him a cup of hot water and ask "I thought vampires only drank blood?"
the vampire takes out a tampon and says "I'm making tea".

lobo316



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Patient: "Doctor I keep hearing "The green,green grass of home in my head."
Doctor: "That's called the Tom Jones Syndrome"
Patient: "Is it common?"
Doctor: "It's not unusual"


lobo316



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Some guy just knocked on my door selling raffle tickets for poor black orphans. I said, “fuck  that – with my luck, I’d win one!”

lobo316



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There's a banking crisis in Japan.

Following the problems in the sub-prime lending market in America and the run on HBOS in the UK, uncertainty has now hit Japan.

In the last 7 hours Origami Bank has folded, Sumo Bank has gone belly up and Bonsai Bank announced plans to cut some of its branches. Yesterday, it was announced that Karaoke Bank is up for sale and will likely go for a song, while today shares in Kamikaze Bank were suspended after they nose-dived.

Samurai Bank is soldiering on following sharp cutbacks, Ninja Bank is reported to have taken a hit, but they remain in the black. Furthermore, 500 staff at Karate Bank got the chop and analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank where it is feared that staff may get a raw deal.
__________________

lobo316



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An old retired sailor, puts on his old uniform and heads for the docks once more, for old times sake.

He engages a prostitute ......and takes her up to a room. He's soon going at it as well as he can for a guy his age, but needing some reassurance, he asks, 'How am I doing?'

The prostitute replies, 'Well Ray, you old sailor, you're doing about three knots.'

'Three knots?' He asks, 'What's that supposed to mean?'

She says, 'You're knot hard, you're knot in, and you're knot getting your money back !'

lobo316



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One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his wife's arm.

The wife turns over and says 'I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh.'

The husband, rejected, turns over.

A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.

'Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?'

lobo316



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Recently a Navy Seal captured a Taliban leader in Afghanistan and took him to a warehouse where they gave him a die.

The Sergeant says, "Roll the die and if you get a 1, 2, 3, 4 or 5, your head comes off..."

The Taliban leader says "What if I throw a 6..?"

The Sgt says...."You get to throw again...!"

katook



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3 guys decide to take a safari in the deepest darkest jungle around,with one really wise piece of advice from their guides "beware the FOO BIRD"

Thinking the guides are pulling their legs they laugh it off,until a few hours into the safari one of the guides screams 'FOO BIRD!! FOO BIRD!!", a small black and red bird flies overhead,and shits on one of the hunters arms,hunter wipes off the shit,and drops dead!!

On the way to carrying his carcass back to camp,the guides scream again "FOO BIRD!! FOO BIRD!!",the foo bird shits on another hunter,who wipes it off and drops dead!!

So,while making their way back to camp with 2 dead bodies,you guessed it,the guides once again scream 'FOO BIRD!!  FOO BIRD!!" and of course the Foo bird shits on the guy,who knows better than to wipe it off and makes his way back to camp unharmed.

Several days later when he is back in civilization and the foo bird scat is really starting to stink,he forgets and wipes it off and drops dead on the spot!!

The moral of this fable?

IF THE FOO SHITS,WEAR IT!!


lobo316



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An old Italian lived alone in New Jersey. He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard.
His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year.
I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over.
I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.
Love,
Papa.

A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Pop,
Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried.
Love,
Vinnie.

At 4am the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.
That same day the old man received another letter from his son.


Dear Pop,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love you,
Vinnie.


Last edited on Sun Oct 23rd, 2011 04:29 am by lobo316

lobo316



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An attractive blonde and a handsome man step into the same elevator.
The blonde sighs happily and says 'TGIF', and is surprised when the man replies 'SHIT'.
The blonde thinks perhaps he didn't hear her correctly,
so she repeats it once again: 'TGIF!' and once again the man replies 'S H I T'.
Finally, the blonde explains 'Sir, TGIF = Thank God it's Friday!'
Stepping out of the elevator, the man smirks and says 'S H I T = Sorry honey, it's Thursday.

lobo316



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What do you say to a feminist with no arms and no legs?

Option A: NICE TITS !!
Option B: How ya gonna do the dishes?

lobo316



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SIMPLE TRUTH 1
Partners help each other undress before sex.
However after sex, they always dress on their own.
Moral of the story:
In life, no one helps you once you're screwed.

SIMPLE TRUTH 2
When a lady is pregnant, all her friends touch the stomach and saying "congrats".
But, none of them come and touch the man's penis and say "Good job".
Moral of the story:
"Hard work is never appreciated”

lobo316



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Rossi goes to the doctor.

Rossi  "Doc, you gotta help me!"

Doc " Whats the problem?"

Rossi "Well, every morning when I wake up I screw my wife. Then I car pool to work with the neighbours wife and on the way to work she blows me. Then during the morning I screw one of the office chicks in the photocopy room and after that I meet the bosses wife at lunch and screw her. In the afternoon its another office chick and then when I get home I find the cleaner on all fours polishing the floor so I screw her from behind, and before I go to sleep I screw my wife again."

Doc "Jesus! So whats your problem?"

Rossi " My cock hurts when I wank!"

lobo316



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Winter Driving Tip

Driving in the snow is like eating pussy……………

If you don’t slow down and pay attention you could slide into the asshole in front of you!

lobo316



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"Class, today's assignment is to spell and use the word 'DOUGH' in a sentence."

"Jane, you go first..."

"Dough, D O U G H... Italians make pizza with dough."

"Very good, Jane... now let's hear from Mary."

"Dough, D O U G H... My brother makes things with play dough."

"Yes, Johnny, do you have something constructive to add?"

"My mom says my dad doesn't make enough dough, and he's bloody hopeless in bed, so she uses a dill dough!"

lobo316



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A man walks into a chemists with his 8-year old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?

To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called condoms son. Men use them to have safe sex."

"Oh I see," replied the boy pensively. Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school." He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package?"

The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys, one
for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday."

"Cool" says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, "Then who are these for?"

"Those are for college men," the dad answers, TWO
for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday."

"WOW!" exclaimed the boy, "then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12 pack. With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replied,

"Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March......."

lobo316



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An Irish guy walks into the bedroom with a sheep on a leash and says, "Honey, this is the cow I make love to when you have a headache."

The wife, lying in the bed reading a book, looks up and says, "If you weren't such an idiot, you'd know that's a sheep, not a cow."

The guy replies, "If you weren't such a presumptuous bitch, you'd realize I was talking to the sheep."

lobo316



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I got fired on my first day as a male masseuse today. Apparently the instruction "finish off on her face" didn't mean what I thought it did.

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Customer: Give me three packets of condoms, please.

CASHIER: Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?

Customer: Nah she ain't that ugly

lobo316



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FOX Bows to Pressure

Fox is already cowering down to the President--

In response to President Obama's complaint that FOX News doesn't show
enough Black and Hispanic people on their network, FOX has announced that
they will now air
" America 's Most Wanted" TWICE a week.

lobo316



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A professor at Texas A&M University was giving a lecture on the supernatural.

To get a feel for his audience, he asks, 'How many people here believe in ghosts?'

About 90 students raise their hands.

'Well, that's a good start. Out of those who believe,do any of you think you have seen a ghost?'

About 40 students raise their hands.

'That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously.

Has anyone here ever talked to or touched a ghost?'

About 3 students raise their hand.

'That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further....Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?'

Way in the back, Abduhl raises his hand.

The professor takes off his glasses, and says 'Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost.

You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience.'
The big student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium.

When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, 'So, Abduhl , tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?'

Abduhl replied, "Ah, Sorry. From way back there I thought you said Goats ! ”.

lobo316



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It is near the Christmas break of the school year. The students have turned in all their work and there is really nothing more to do. All the children are restless and the teacher decides to have an early dismissal.

Teacher: "Whoever answers the questions I ask, first and correctly, can leave early today."

Little Johnny says to himself "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart and will answer the question."

Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln."

Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home." Johnny is mad that Susie answered the question first.

Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King."

Teacher: "That's right Mary, you can go." Johnny is even madder than before.

Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not what your country can do for you'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John F. Kennedy."

Teacher: "That's right Nancy, you may also leave."

Johnny is boiling mad that he has not been able to answer to any of the questions.

When the teacher turns her back Johnny says, "I wish these bitches would keep their mouths shut!"

The teacher turns around: "NOW WHO SAID THAT?"

Johnny: "TIGER WOODS. CAN I GO NOW?

lobo316



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It has been announced that next years shirt sponsor for Tiger Woods will be Tampax.

A spokesman for Tampax said "To sponsor a cunt going though a bad period is exactly what our company is all about."

lobo316



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A train hits a bus load of Catholic school girls and they all perish. They are all in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates past St. Peter.

St. Peter asks the first girl, “Jessica, have you ever had any contact with a penis?”She giggles and shyly replies, “Well I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger.”St. Peter says, “OK, dip the tip of your finger in The Holy Water and pass through the gate.”

St. Peter asks the next girl the same question, “Jennifer have you ever had any contact with a penis?”The girl is a little reluctant but replies, “Well once I fondled and stroked one.”St. Peter says, “OK, dip your whole hand in The Holy Water and pass through the gate.”

All of a sudden there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls, one girl is pushing her way to the front of the line.When she reaches the front of the line St. Peter says, “Lisa! What seems to be the rush?”The girl replies, “If I’m going to have to gargle that Holy Water, I want to do it before Tiffany sticks her ass in it.”
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lobo316 wrote:
A train hits a bus load of Catholic school girls and they all perish. They are all in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates past St. Peter.

St. Peter asks the first girl, “Jessica, have you ever had any contact with a penis?”She giggles and shyly replies, “Well I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger.”St. Peter says, “OK, dip the tip of your finger in The Holy Water and pass through the gate.”

St. Peter asks the next girl the same question, “Jennifer have you ever had any contact with a penis?”The girl is a little reluctant but replies, “Well once I fondled and stroked one.”St. Peter says, “OK, dip your whole hand in The Holy Water and pass through the gate.”

All of a sudden there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls, one girl is pushing her way to the front of the line.When she reaches the front of the line St. Peter says, “Lisa! What seems to be the rush?”The girl replies, “If I’m going to have to gargle that Holy Water, I want to do it before Tiffany sticks her ass in it.”
__________________


An oldie but a goodie!

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After 20 rears of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the wife felt her husband begin to fondle her in ways he hadn't in quite some time.
It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back.
He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand over her breasts, stopping just over her lower stomach.
He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, caressed past the side of her breast again, working down her side, passed gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf. Then, he proceeded up her inner thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He then continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and started to watch the TV.
As she had become quite aroused by this caressing she asked in a loving voice "that was wonderful, why did you stop?"
He said "I found the remote"

lobo316



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Two young guys appear in court after being arrested for smoking dope.

The judge says, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you

a second chance instead of jail time. I want you to go out this weekend,

and try to convince others of the evils of drug use. I'll see you back in court Monday.

On Monday, the judge asks the first guy, "How did you do over the weekend?"

"Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever." "Seventeen people?

That's wonderful. How did you do it? "

"I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this:

O o . Then I told them that the big circle is your brain before drugs and the small circle

is your brain after drugs." "That's admirable," says the judge.

Then he turns to the second guy.

"And how did you do?" "Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever."

"Wow!" says the judge.. "156 people! How did you manage to do that?"

"Well, I used a similar diagram," the guy says. "I drew two circles like this: o O .

Then I pointed to the little circle and said, 'This is your asshole before prison...........

lobo316



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I recall my first time with a condom. I was 16. I went in to buy a packet of condoms at Gagne Pharmacy. In those days it took a lot of guts to go in a store and ask for that kind of item because most everyone in town knew me and there was no doubt the young lady (I think her name was Delores) knew what they were for.

She was working as an assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was really embarrassed by the wholeprocedure. She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one. I honestly answered, 'No, not really.'

So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tightand secure

I apparently still looked confused. So she looked all around the store to see if it were empty. It was. 'Just a minute,' she said, and walked to the door and locked it. Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. 'Do these excite you?' She asked.

Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was stand there with my mouth open and nod my head. She then said it wastime to slip the condom on. As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay down on a desk. 'Well, come on', she said, 'We don't have much time.'

So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful that, unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KAPOW, I was done withina few moments.

She looked at me with a bit of a frown. 'Did you put that condom on?' she asked. I said, 'sure did,' and held up my thumb to show her.

Last edited on Sun Nov 20th, 2011 03:08 pm by lobo316

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A blind man walks into a store with his seeing eye dog. All of a sudden, he picks up the leash and begins swinging the dog over his head. The manager runs up to the man and asks, "What are you doing?!!" The blind man replies, "Just looking around."

Benlen



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Every day, a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady standing at the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air and tells her that her hair smells great. After a week of this, she can't stand it anymore, takes her complaint to a supervisor in the personnel department and states that she wants to file a sexual harassment grievance against him.

The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled by this decision and asks, "What is so sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells good?"


The woman replies, it's Keith, the midget!

lobo316



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A husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.

So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, 'Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy.'

The blind man replies, 'If you'd put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the fucking bus, so shut the fuck up.'

lobo316



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On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved in a fatal car accident. The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.

While waiting, they begin to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter showed up, they asked him.

St. Peter says, 'I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out,' and he leaves.
The couple sat and waited, and waited.
Two months passed and the couple is still waiting.

As they waited, they discussed that if they were allowed to get married in Heaven, what was the eternal aspect of it all.

'What if it doesn't work?' they wondered, 'are we stuck together forever?'

After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled. 'Yes,' he informs the couple, 'you can get married in Heaven.'

'Great!' said the couple, 'But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven ?'
St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slams his clipboard onto the ground.

'What's wrong?' asked the frightened couple.

'OH, COME ON!', St. Peter shouts, 'It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?'

lobo316



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A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several
months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.

 One day, he motioned for her to come nearer.

 She sat by him.

 He whispered, eyes full of tears, 'You know what? You have been with me 
all through the bad times.

 When my business failed, you were there.

 When I got shot, you were by my side.

 When we lost the house, you stayed right here...

 When my health started failing, you were still by my side ....

 You know what ? "

'What dear?' She gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.

 "I think you're bad luck. Piss off "
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A small boy was lost at a large shopping mall.
He approached a uniformed policeman and said, 'I've lost my pop!'
'The cop asked, 'What's he like?'
The little boy hesitated for a moment and then replied, 
"Blondes with big tits."

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A boy was walking down the road when he noticed an old geezer with an unusually small head. The curious boy walked up to the geezer and said, "Hey mister! Why the heck is your head so small?"

The old man looked at the boy and replied, "Boy, if I wasn't so damn old, I'd give you a beating... but since you remind me of myself at your age, I will tell you."

The boy listened curiously as the geezer explained, "One day I was fishing on the pier when I got a huge bite... And, I said to myself, 'Holy shit! I've caught a whale!'"

"No kidding?" pried the boy. The geezer continued, "But, when I reeled it up, to my surprise, it was a gorgeous mermaid! Well, she looked at me in tremendous fright and said she'd grant me one wish if I let her free..."

"And?" interjected the boy. "Well, after some quick thought, I looked at her and said, 'How 'bout a little head?'"

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Since English singer Susan Boyle has been on TV there's been a marked drop in suicide bombing. Think

Apparently, a lot of the terrorists didn't realise what a virgin looks like.

beejmi
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A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college.

There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.
...
"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"

"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."

"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up. Relax and enjoy yourself."

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.

Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"

"1955, ma'am."

"Well, there you are. No wonder you're so serious. You really need to chill out! I mean, no sex since 1955! She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times.

Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955."

The Sergeant Major said, after glancing at his watch, "I hope not; it's only 2130 now."

(Gotta love military time!)

beejmi
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Two blonde girls working for the city of Philadelphia.

One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind her and fill the hole in. They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one girl digging a hole, the other girl filling it in again.

An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, 'I'm impressed by the effort you two are putting in to your work, but I don't get it -- why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?'

The hole digger wiped her brow and sighed, 'Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally a three-person team. But today the girl who plants the trees called in sick.'

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A woman goes into the pharmacy and tells the pharmacist that she's checking into buying Viagra for her husband. She asks if it works.

The pharmacist says..."yes it does....I use it."


She said: "Can you get it over the counter?"


He replied: "If I take two of them I can!"

Benlen



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A man walked into the produce section of his local supermarket and asked to buy a half head of lettuce.

The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce. The man was insistent that the boy ask his manager about the matter.

Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager, "Some azz-hole wants to buy a half head of lettuce." As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "And this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half."

The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way.

The manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?"

"Texas, sir." the boy replied.

"Well, why did you leave Texas?" the manager asked.

The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but whores and football players in Texas!"

"Really?" said the manager "My wife is from Texas."

"Get outta here!" the boy said. "Who'd she play for?"

lobo316



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A WOMAN’S POEM:

Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man who’s not a creep,
One who’s handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who’ll call, not wait for weeks..
I pray he’s rich and self-employed,
And when I spend, won’t be annoyed.
Pull out my chair and hold my hand..
Massage my feet and help me stand.
Oh send a king to make me queen.
A man who loves to cook and clean.
I pray this man will love no other.
And relish visits with my mother.

A MAN’S POEM:

I pray for a deaf-mute gymnast nymphomaniac with
big tits who owns a bar on a golf course,
and loves to send me fishing and drinking. This
doesn’t rhyme and I don’t care.

lobo316



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An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.

When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender approaches him and tells him, "You know, a pint starts going flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time."

The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I drinks one for each of me brothers and one for me self."

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three pints and drinks them in turn.

One day, he comes in and orders two pints.

All the other regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss."

The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye and he laughs.

"Oh, no. Everyone's fine," He explains, "I joined the Mormon Church and I had to quit drinking."

lobo316



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Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning.

I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say,
'Happy Birthday!', and possibly have a small present for me.

As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone 'Happy Birthday.'

I thought, ˜Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids, they will remember."

My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word.
So when I left for the office I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.

As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said, 'Good Morning Boss and by the way Happy Birthday!'


It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.

I worked until one o'clock when Jane knocked on my door and said, 'You know, it's such a beautiful day outside and it is your Birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me?'
I said, 'Thanks, Jane. That's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go!'

We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go. She chose instead at a quiet bistro
with a private table. We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.

On the way back to the office Jane said, 'You know, it's such a beautiful day, we don't need to go straight back to the office, do we?'

I responded, 'I guess not. What do you have in mind?'
She said, 'Let's drop by my apartment; it's just around the corner.'

After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said, 'Boss, if you don't mind,
I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back.'


'Ok.' I nervously replied.

She went into the bedroom and after a couple of minutes she came out carrying a huge birthday cake…
Followed by my wife, my kids and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing 'Happy Birthday'.

And I just sat there....

On the couch....


Naked, jerking off.

lobo316



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An Amish farmer walking through his field notices a man drinking from
his pond, with his hand.

The Amish man shouts:

"Trinken Sie nicht das Wasser, die Kühe und die Schweine haben darin
geschissen!"

Which means: "Don't drink the water, the cows and the pigs have shit in it!"

The man shouts back: "I'm a Muslim, I don't understand your gibberish.
Speak English, infidel!"

The Amish man shouts back in English:

"Use two hands, you'll get more!"

lobo316



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Five surgeons are discussing who has the best patients to operate on.

The first surgeon says, 'I like to see accountants on my operating table
because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.'

The second responds, 'Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything
inside them is colour-coded.'

The third surgeon says, 'No, I really think librarians are the best;
everything inside them is in alphabetical order.'

The fourth surgeon chimes in, 'You know I like construction workers.
Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the
end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would.'

But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed, 'You're all
wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no
heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine, and there are only two moving
parts - the mouth and the arsehole - and they are interchangeable'

lobo316



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One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he
saw two men along the roadside eating grass.

Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to
investigate.

He asked one man, 'Why are you eating grass?'

'We don't have any money for food,' the poor
man replied. 'We have to eat grass.'

'Well, then, you can come with me to my house and
I'll feed you,' the lawyer said.

'But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They
are over there, under that tree.'

'Bring them along,' the lawyer replied.

Turning to the other poor man he stated, 'You come with
us, also.'

The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, 'But
sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!'

'Bring them all, as well,' the lawyer answered

They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for
a car as large as the limousine was.

Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer
and said, 'Sir, you are too kind.'

'Thank you for taking all of us with you.'

The lawyer replied, 'Glad to do it.

'You'll really love my place.

'The grass is almost a foot high'

lobo316



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 A kid walks in on his parents having sex. " what are you doing" he cries out..

"We're making a baby" his daddy tells him.

The kid replies... "why don't you do it doggy style...... I want a puppy"

lobo316



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Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for
a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine. It's a beautiful day and love
is in the air.
Marie leans over to Pierre and says, "Pierre, kiss me!!"
 Pierre grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on Marie's lips.
 "What are you doing, Pierre ?" says the startled Marie.
"I am Pierre, the fighter pilot !! When I have red meat, I have Red wine!!"

 She smiles and they start kissing.
 Things began to heat up a little and Marie says, "Pierre, kiss me lower."
Our hero tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and pours it
 on  her breasts.
 "Pierre !! What are you doing now ?" asks the bewildered Marie.
 "I am Pierre, the fighter pilot !! When I have white meat, I Have white wine!!"
She giggles and they resume their passionate interlude, and Things really
steam up. Marie leans close to his ear and whispers, "Pierre, kiss me much lower !!"
Pierre rips off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and pours it in
 her  lap. He then strikes a match and lights the cognac on fire.
 Marie shrieks and dives into the River Seine. Standing waist deep, Marie
 throws her arms into the air and screams furiously, "PIERRE, WHAT THE F**K
 DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING ?"
 Our 'hero' stands and says defiantly,
 "I am Pierre, the fighter pilot !!
 If I go down, I go down in flames!!!!

lobo316



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Please be advised I am sick and tired of receiving questions about my dog who mauled six illegal immigrants, four thieving Lawyers, two Muslim Clerics, nine teenagers with pants hanging down past their cracks, eight customer service desk people speaking in broken English, three flag burners, and a Pakistani taxi driver,





FOR THE LAST TIME...









THE DOG IS NOT FOR SALE!

lobo316



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A man stomps into a bar, obviously angry. He growls at the bartender, "Gimme a beer", takes a slug, and shouts out, "All lawyers are assholes!"

A guy at the other end of the bar retorts, "That insulting! You take that back!"

The angry man snarls, "Why? Are you a lawyer?"

The guy replies, "No, I'm an asshole!"
__________________

lobo316



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A black guy walks into a pub with a parrot on his shoulder,
I said " where'd you get that"
The parrot replied "Africa, there's fucking millions of 'em!"

beejmi
The Big Kahuna


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Two Mexicans were riding a bicycle on a road about 15 miles outside Gardendale, Texas One of the bike's tires went flat and they started hitching a lift back into town. 

A friendly trucker stopped to see if he could help and the Mexicans asked him for a ride.

He told them they could ride in the trailer if they could fit in with 20,000 bowling balls he was hauling. They managed to squeeze themselves and their bike into the back. The driver shut the doors and got on his way. He wanted to make up time so he sped up. Sure enough a blonde policewoman pulled him over for speeding. The officer asked the driver what he was carrying.The driver jokingly replied, "Mexican eggs."

The blonde policewoman obviously didn't believe that so she took a look inside the trailer. She opened the back door and was so shocked she quickly shut and locked it back. She called for immediate backup from headquarters, Immigration and the Swat Team.The dispatcher asked what emergency she had that required so many officers.

She answered, "I stopped a tractor-trailer with 20,000 Mexican eggs in it. Two have hatched and they've already stolen a bicycle."

beejmi
The Big Kahuna


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How do spell Tim Tebow backwards?

D-o-n-o-v-a-n M-c-N-a-b-b

lobo316



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A. Did you know that the word "race car" spelled backward still spells "race car"?

B... Did you know that "eat" is the only word that if you take the 1st letter and move it to the last, it spells its past tense "ate"?

C. And have you noticed that if you rearrange the letters in "illegal immigrants" and add just a few more letters, it spells out:
"Go home you free-loading, benefit-grabbing, kid-producing, violent, non-English speaking assholes and take those other
hairy-faced, sandal-wearing, towel headed, bomb-making, goat-shagging, raggedy-ass bastards with you"?

lobo316



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When you drink vodka over ice, it can give you kidney failure.
When you drink rum over ice, it can give you liver failure.
When you drink whiskey over ice, it can give you heart problems.
When you drink gin over ice, it can give you brain problems.

Apparently, ice is really bad for you.


lobo316



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Two priests are in a Vatican Lavatory using the urinals.

One of them looks at the other one's penis and notices there's a Nicoderm patch on it.

He looks at the other priest and says, 'I believe you're supposed to put that patch on your arm or shoulder, not your penis.'

The other one replies, 'It's working just fine. I'm down to two butts a day.'

lobo316



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A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, 'I have a confession

to make, I'm not a virgin.'

The husband replies, 'That's no big thing in this day and age.'

The wife continues, 'Yeah, I've been with one guy.'

'Oh yeah? Who was the guy?'

'Tiger Woods..'

'Tiger Woods, the golfer?'

'Yeah.'

'Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him.'

The husband and wife then make passionate love.

When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.

'What are you doing?' asks the wife.

The husband says, 'I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get something to eat.'


'Tiger wouldn't do that.'

'Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?'

'He'd come back to bed and do it a second time.'

The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love a second time.

When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone. 'Now what are you doing?' she asks.

The husband says, 'I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service to get something to eat.'


'Tiger wouldn't do that.'

'Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?'

He'd come back to bed and do it again.'

The guy slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and makes love one more
time.

When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone
and

starts to dial.

The wife asks, 'Are you calling room service?'

'No! I'm calling Tiger Woods, to find out what the par is for this damn
hole.'

lobo316



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Man goes to a fancy dress party wearing only a glass jar on his penis. A woman asks, "What are you?" He says, "I'm a Fireman" "But you're only wearing a glass jar?" says the woman. "Exactly! In an emergency, break glass, pull knob and I'll come as fast as I can!"

lobo316



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Q) What do you call a brunette with bad breath?
A) An upside down blonde...

lobo316



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There once was an Indian who had only one testicle, and whose given name was 'Onestone'. He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone. After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said, 'If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!'


The word got around and nobody called him that any more. Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, 'Good morning, Onestone. 'He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night. He made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.

The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do. Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until a woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away.


Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged him and said, 'Good to see you, Onestone. 'Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he made love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day, made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die!

Why?

Wait for it.............









You can't kill two birds with one stone!!

lobo316



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A rich man living in Darwin, Australia decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbours. He also invited Colin, the only aborigine in the neighbourhood.

He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his
Mansion.
Everyone was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating
Prawns, oysters and BBQ and flirting. At the height of the party, the host said, 'I have a 15ft man-eating crocodile in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the balls to jump in..'

The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash and everyone turned around and saw Colin in the pool fighting the croc and kicking its ass, jabbing the croc in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, doing all kinds of stuff, like head butts and chokeholds, biting the croc on the tail
And flipping the croc through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor.

The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Colin and the croc were screaming and raising hell.

Finally Colin strangled the croc and let it float to the top like a
Goldfish.

Colin then slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief.

Finally the host says, 'Well, Colin, I reckon I owe you a million dollars.'
'Nah, you all right boss, I don't want it,' said Colin.
The rich man said, 'Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet. How about half a million bucks then?'
'No thanks. I don't want it,' answered Colin.
The host said,
'Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing.
How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?

Again, Colin said no.

Confused, the rich man asked, 'Well Colin, then what do you
Want?



Colin said, 'I want the bastard who pushed me in the
Pool.'

lobo316



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Tampax have announced today that they will be replacing the cord on their tampons with a piece of tinsel. This will be for the Christmas period only.


lobo316



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A grade three teacher is giving a lesson on nutrition, and she decides to ask

her students what they had for breakfast.

To add a spelling component, she asks the students to also spell their answers.

Susan puts up her hand and says she had an egg, 'E-G-G'.

'Very good', says the teacher.

Peter says he had toast. 'T-O-A-S-T'.

'Excellent.'

Johnny has his hand up and the teacher reluctantly calls on him. 'I had fuck all', he says, 'F-U-C-K A-L-L'.

The teacher is mortified and scolds Johnny for his rude answer.


Later when the lesson turns to geography, she asks the students some rudimentary questions.

Susan correctly identifies the Capital of Canada, Peter is able to tell her which ocean is off Canada's east coast.

When it's Johnny's turn.
Johnny, she asks, 'Where is the Canadian border?'

Johnny ponders the question and finally says, 'The Canadian  boarder is in bed with my mother.


That's why I got fuck all for breakfast'

lobo316



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Q) What does a cannibal do when he dumps his girlfriend?
A) Wipes his ass

lobo316



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How do you turn a fox into an elephant?

Marry it !


lobo316



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Top 10 signs that you might be in the Taliban...

10. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to beer.

  9. You own a $300 machine gun and a $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford  shoes.

  8. You have more wives than teeth.

  7. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.

  6. You can't think of anyone you HAVEN'T declared Jihad against.

  5. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry ammunition in your robe.

  4. You've never been asked, "Does this burka make my ass look big?"

  3. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.

  2. A common compliment is, "I love what you've done with your cave."


And, the NUMBER ONE SIGN you might be a member of the Taliban:

 1. You wipe your ass with your bare hand, but consider bacon unclean.

lobo316



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What is the difference between a battery and a woman?

A battery has a positive side.

lobo316



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A beautiful fairy appeared one day to an asylum seeker claimant
outside the Immigration Offices.

 'My good man,' the fairy said, 'I've been told by Steven Harper to
grant you three wishes, since you've just arrived in Canada with
your wife and seven children -- all costs to be borne by Canadian tax payers.'

 The man told the fairy: 'Well, in Sri Lanka where I come from we don't 
have good teeth, so I want new teeth, maybe a lot of gold in them.'
 The fairy looked at the man's almost toothless grin and PING !!! The 
asylum seeker had a brand new shining set of gold teeth in his mouth!

 'What else?' asked the fairy, 'two more wishes to go!

 The asylum seeker refugee claimant now got bolder 'I need a big house 
with a three car garage on the west coast with eight bedrooms - and a 
Gold Visa Card in each room - for my family and the rest of my refugee 
relatives who still live in Sri Lanka . I want to bring them all over 
here'

 PING ! - In the distance there could be seen a beautiful mansion with 
a three car garage, a long driveway, a walkout patio with a BBQ, and a 
sparkling swimming pool and a BMW, full of his nephews playing their
music.

'One more wish left for you', said the fairy, waving her wand.

The Asylum Seeker refugee claimant really decided to go for broke now 
and said "I want to be Canadian with Canadian clothes instead of 
the rags and shawl, and I want to have white skin.

PING ! - The man was transformed, wearing worn out Stubbies shorts, a 
dirty Bonds T-shirt and a greasy terry-towel hat. He had his bad
teeth back and the mansion had disappeared from the horizon.
What happened to my new teeth?' he wailed. 'Where is my new house?
Where's my Visa Gold Card?'
Where is my BMW?

The fairy said 'Tough shit. Now that you are Canadian, you're 
entitled to sweet fuck all, just like the rest of us".


lobo316



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A black dude walks into a music store and says: "Got anything by The Doors?"

Assistant says: "Yes, 2 cameras and an alarm, now fuck off!!"


lobo316



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A little boy goes to his dad and asks, 'Whats Politics?'

Dad says, 'Well son, let me try to explain it this way:

I am the head of the family, so call me The Prime Minister.

Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government

We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the People.

The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class.

And your baby brother, we will call him the Future.

Now think about that and see if it makes sense.'

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.

Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him.

He finds that the baby has severely soiled his nappy.

So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother asleep.

Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny..

He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy say's to his father, 'Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now. '

The father says, 'Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.'

The little boy replies, 'The Prime Minister is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and the Future's in deep shit.'

lobo316



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How do you piss off a female archaeologist??

Give her a used tampon and ask her what period it comes from.



lobo316



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How is a woman like a condom?

Both of them spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.


lobo316



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pickup lines

 






1) Did you fart?
cuz you just blew me away.

2) Are yer parents retarded?
cuz ya sure are special.

3) My Love for you is like diarrhea .
I can't hold it in.

4) Do you have a library card?
cuz I'd like to sign you out

5) Is there a mirror in your pants?
cuz I can see myself in 'em.

6) If you was a tree & I was a squirrel,
I'd store my nuts in your hole.

7) You might not be the best lookin girl here,
but beauty's only a light switch away.

8) I know I'm not no Fred Flintstone,
but I bet I can make yer bed-rock.

9) Your eyes are as blue as window cleaner.

10) If your gonna regret this in the mornin,
we can sleep til afternoon..

AND.. the best for last!

11) Your face reminds me of a wrench,
every time I think of it, my nuts tighten up 

 

Last edited on Sun Dec 25th, 2011 05:38 am by lobo316

lobo316



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Dear Lobo,

Your application to join our online dating service has been officially rejected.

One of the questions we asked on the application was:"What do you like most in a woman ? "
"My dick" is not an appropriate answer !!!

lobo316



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A man checks into an hotel on a business trip and was a bit lonely. He thought of one of those girls you see advertised in phone booths when you're calling for a cab. He popped into a phone booth near the hotel and found an ad for a girl calling herself Monique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo. She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair, long graceful legs...... well, you get the picture! He copied the phone number and returned to his hotel. When back in the room he figures, what the hell, give her a call.

'Hello,' the woman says.
God, she sounded sexy.
'Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room and give me one.. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night; tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything you want! Now, how does that sound?'

She says, "That sounds fantastic, but you need to press 9 for an outside line."

lobo316



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Whats red and hangs from a tree?

A monkey's miscarriage

lobo316



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God went to the Arabs and said, "I have Commandments for you that will make your lives better."

And the Arabs asked, "What are Commandments? Can you give us an example?"

"Thou shall not kill."

"Not kill?? No way! We're not interested."

So He went to the Blacks and said, "I have Commandments."

And the Blacks wanted an example, and the Lord said, "Honor thy Father and Mother."

"Father? Yo maan, can't tell who our fathers are, maan!"

So He went to the Mexicans and said, "I have Commandments."

And the Mexicans wanted an example, and the Lord said, "Thou shall not steal."

"No steal? No steal??? Hey Senor, we no steal then how we live,

huh?? Gracias, but no!"

He went to the French and said, "I have Commandments."

The French wanted an example and the Lord said, "Thou shall not commit adultery."

"Not commit ze adultery..?? Non, non, monsieur, we French, we must have ze romance."

He went to the Jews and said, "I have Commandments."

"Commandments?" they asked, "how much do they cost?"

"They're free."

"We'll take 10.

katook



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Q- whats black and blue and red all over and hates sex?

a- a rape victim

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q- define an 11 year old virgin redneck girl

A-someone who can outrun her 15 year old cousins

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A guy sits down in a Cafe and asks for the hot chilli. The waitress says, "The guy next to you got the last bowl."

So, he gets a cup of coffee. Then he sees that the guy next to him has finished his meal, but the chilli bowl is still full. He says, "Are you going to eat that?"

The other guy says, "No. You can have it."

The guy takes it and starts to eat it. When he gets about half way down, he sees a dead mouse in it, and he pukes the chilli back into the bowl.

The other guy says, "That's about as far as I got, too."

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A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories.

After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

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A skinhead is sitting on a train eating prawns

When he finishes one he throws the heads at an old nun sitting opposite him.

The nun says nothing but throws the heads out the window.

Finally when the skinhead has finished all of his prawns and the nun has worn the barrage and then thrown all of the heads out of the window, she pulls the emergency brake on the train.

The skinhead screams 'you're gonna get a $50 fine for doing that"
The nun replies... " you're gonna get 10 years when I cry rape and they smell your fingers, you stupid prick"

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An 18 year old girl tells her Mum that she has missed her period for 2 months.

Very worried, the mother goes to the chemist and buys a pregnancy kit.

The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.

Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, 'Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!'

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.

Half an hour later a Mercedes stops in front of their house, a mature and distinguished man with grey hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the Mercedes and enters the house.

He sits in the living room with the father, mother and the girl, and tells them:

'Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the situation. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge.

I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life.

'Additionally, if a girl is born I will bequeath her 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa and a $2,000,000 bank account.

If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account.

If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each.'

' However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?'

At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him.........


wait for it.....................








'You bang her again.'

lobo316



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The boss had to fire somebody, and he narrowed it down to one of two
people, Debra or Jack. It was an impossible decision because they were
both super workers. Rather than flip a coin, he decided he would fire
the first one who used the water cooler the next morning.



Debra came in the next morning with a horrible hangover after partying
all night. She went to the cooler to take an aspirin. The boss
approached her and said: 'Debra, I've never done this before, but I have
to lay you or Jack off.'



'Could you jack off?' she says, 'I feel like shit.'

lobo316



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John pulled over the car by the side of the road and showed his pal Dave where he'd first had sex.

"It was right down there by that tree. I remember the day plainly. It was a warm summer day. She and I were so much in love. We walked down to the tree and made love for hours," John recalled.

"That sounds wonderful," said Dave.

"Yes. It was ok until I looked up and noticed her mother was standing right there watching us."

"Oh my God!!! What did her mother say when she saw you making love to her daughter?"

"Baaaaaaa."

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So a vampire goes into a bar and asks the bartender for a cup of hot water. The bartender asks:" Don't you people drink blood ? " And the vampire whips out a used tampon and says: "I'm making tea."
__________________

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There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that
by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.


lobo316



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A guy calls his buddy, the horse rancher, and says he's sending a friend over to look at a horse.

His buddy asks, "How will I recognize him?"

"That's easy; he's a midget with a speech impediment."

So, the midget shows up, and the guy asks him if he's looking for a male or female horse.

"A female horth."

So he shows him a prized filly.

"Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth"?

So the guy picks up the midget and he gives the horse's eyes the once over.

"Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth"?

So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse's ears.

"Nith earzth, can I see her mouf"?

The rancher is getting pretty ticked off by this point, but he picks him up again and shows him the horse's mouth.

"Nice mouf, can I see her twat"?

Totally mad as fire at this point, the rancher grabs him under his arms and rams the midget's head as far as he can up the horse's fanny, pulls him out and slams him on the ground.

The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing.

"Perhapth I should rephrase that.
Can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit"?

lobo316



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A friend of mine in the army just married a girl from Switzerland. She can wash up with one hand, cook tea with the other, dust with one foot while sucking his dick as she opens a beer with her ass. She's a Swiss army wife

Last edited on Mon Dec 26th, 2011 08:26 am by lobo316

lobo316



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What's white and hangs from the clouds?

The second cumming of Jesus Christ.

lobo316



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Johnny was working at the fish plant in Hobart when he accidentally cut
off all ten of his fingers.
He went to the emergency room. When he got there the doctor looked at
Johnny and said "Let's have the fingers and I'll see what I can do."

Johnny said, "I haven't got the fingers."
"What do you mean, you haven't got the fingers?" shrieked the doctor.
"Lord thundering Jesus it's 2007!
We've got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques. I could
have put them back on and made you like new! Why didn't you bring the
fingers?"

wait for it.................




Johnny says..."How the fuck was I supposed to pick them up??"

lobo316



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A little girl is in line to see Santa. When it's her
turn, she climbs up on Santa's lap. Santa asks, "What
would you like Santa to bring you for Christmas?"

The little girl replies, "I want a Barbie and G.I. Joe."
Santa looks at the little girl for a moment and says,
"I thought Barbie comes with Ken."

"No," said the little girl. "She comes with G.I. Joe,
she fakes it with Ken."

lobo316



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Prince Charles decided to take up jogging. Every day, he'd jog past a
hooker
standing on the same street corner. He learned to brace himself as he
approached her for what was almost certain to follow.

'One hundred and fifty pounds!' she'd shout from the curb.

'No! Five pounds!' He would fire back, just to shut her up.

This ritual between him and the hooker became a daily occurrence. He'd run
by and she'd yell, 'One hundred and Fifty Pounds!' He'd yell back, 'Five
pounds!'

One day, Camilla decided that she wanted to accompany Charles on his jog.
As
the jogging couple neared the working woman's street corner, Prince Charles
realized she'd bark her £150 offer and Camilla would wonder what he'd
really
been doing on all his past outings. He figured he'd better have a good
explanation for his wife.

As they jogged into the turn that would take them past the corner, he
became
even more apprehensive than usual. Sure enough, there was the hooker.

He tried to avoid the prostitute's eyes as she watched the pair jog past.
Then, from her corner, the hooker yelled, 'See what you get for five
pounds,
you tight bastard!!!!

lobo316



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A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job.

The interviewer asks him, "Have you been in the service?"

"Yes," he says. "I was in Vietnam for three years."

The interviewer says, "That will give you extra points toward employment." and then asks, "Are you disabled in any way?

The guy says, "Yes 100%...a mortar round exploded near me and blew my testicles off."

The interviewer tells the guy, "O.K. I can hire you right now. The hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M. You can start tomorrow. Come in at 10:00 A.M."

The guy is puzzled and says, "If the hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M. then why do you want me to come in at 10:00 A.M.?"

"This is a government job" the interviewer says. "For the first two hours we stand around scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that."

lobo316



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Apple Computer announced today that it has developed a computer chip

that can store and play music in women's breast implants. The iBreast will

Cost $499 with 4 GB of memory or $599 with 8 GB.

This is a major breakthrough because women are always complaining

about men staring at their tits and not listening to them

lobo316



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There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession.

Upon entering the confessional, she said, "Forgive me, Father, for I

have sinned."

The priest said, "Confess your sins and be forgiven."

The young woman said, "Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate

love to me seven times."

The priest thought long and hard and then said, "Squeeze seven

lemons into a glass and then drink the juice."

The young woman asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?"

The priest said, "No, but it will wipe that smile off your face."

lobo316



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An elderly man walks into a confessional.

The following conversation ensues:

Man: "I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many

children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren.

Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking.

We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three

times."

Priest: "Are you sorry for your sins?"

Man: "What sins?"

Priest: "What kind of a Catholic are you?"

Man: "I'm Jewish."

Priest: "Why are you telling me all this?"

Man: "I'm 92 years old .... I'm telling everybody."

lobo316



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