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 Posted: Fri Oct 26th, 2007 07:10 pm
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beejmi
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I thought this was hilarious ~ enjoy

Jay Leno went into the audience to find the most embarrassing first date that a woman ever had.

 The winner described her worst first date experience. There was absolutely no question as to why her tale took the prize!

 She said it was midwinter...Snowing and quite cold...and the guy had taken her skiing in the mountains outside Salt Lake City, Utah. It was a day trip (no overnight). They were strangers, after all, and truly had never met before. The outing was fun but relatively uneventful until they were headed home late that afternoon. They were driving back down the mountain, when she gradually began to realize that she should not have had that extra latte.

 They were about an hour away from anywhere with a rest room and in the middle of nowhere! Her companion suggested she try to hold it, which she did for a while.

 Unfortunately, because of the heavy snow and slow going, there came a point where she told him that he had better stop and let her go beside the road, or it would be the front seat of his car. They stopped and she quickly crawled out beside the car, yanked her pants down and started. In the deep snow she didn't have good footing, so she let her butt rest against the rear fender to steady herself.

 Her companion stood on the side of the car watching for traffic and indeed was a real gentleman and refrained from peeking. All she could think about was the relief she felt despite the rather embarrassing nature of the situation. Upon finishing however, she soon became aware of another sensation. As she bent to pull up her pants, the young lady discovered her buttocks were firmly glued against the car's fender.

 Thoughts of tongues frozen to poles immediately came to mind as she attempted to disengage her flesh from the icy metal. It was quickly apparent that she had a brand new problem due to the extreme cold. Horrified by her plight and yet aware of the humor of the moment, she answered her date's concerns about "what is taking so long" with a reply that indeed, she was "freezing her butt off" and in need of some assistance!  He came around the car as she tried to cover herself with her sweater and then, as she looked imploringly into his eyes, he burst out laughing.

 She too, got the giggles and when they finally managed to compose themselves, they assessed her dilemma. Obviously, as hysterical as the situation was, they also were faced with a real problem. Both agreed it would take something hot to free her chilly cheeks from the grip of the icy metal! Thinking about what had gotten her into the predicament in the first place, both quickly realized that there was only one way to get her free.

 So, as she looked the other way, her first-time date proceeded to unzip his pants and pee her butt off the fender. As the audience screamed in laughter, she took the Tonight Show prize hands down.

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 Posted: Fri Oct 26th, 2007 07:29 pm
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brodiescomics



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One of my first dates...

After a long night of shots, etc..

I dragged my date back to my car and strapped her in the seatbelt of the front seat. While walking around to get in the driver's side, I hear her start to gag like she is gonna hurl. I run back around to open the door for her and she leans over and hurls all over my shoes. I jump back to inspect the damage and after a minute look back up and she is hanging out the car door still buckled in the seatbelt, passed out. In my drunken mind, I visualize unstrapping her and laying her down in the back seat where she will be more comfortable. I reach over to unlatch the seatbelt and forget to hold on to her. She does a faceplant into 2 things, the curb, and the rest of the puke. I threw the shoes away, but kept the girl.

9 years later, she still gets pissed when I tell that story to anyone that will listen.



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 Posted: Fri Oct 26th, 2007 07:34 pm
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beejmi
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In my drunken mind, I visualize unstrapping her and laying her down in the back seat where she will be more comfortable.

Oh sure now you expect us to believe everything.

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 Posted: Fri Oct 26th, 2007 07:41 pm
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kargol



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Worst first date I had was when I went to the bog to come back to find date snogging someone else.



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 Posted: Fri Oct 26th, 2007 08:37 pm
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srossi

 

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I met this cute girl at a house party and she told me she was training to be a stand-up comic.  We only talked for about 20 minutes but she seemed normal and I asked her out and thought a comedy club would be a good place to go on our date.

I took her to the Comedy Cellar to see Darrell Hammond of SNL (a fairly unknown at the time Lil Jimmy Norton was opening).  I think that's a pretty damn good first date, it's a shame I wasted it on her.

So the first red flag is when we get seated and the waitress of course tells us there's a 2 drink minimum and asks us what we want.  I order my drink and then she acts like she's never been out of the house before and this 2 drink minimum is a mystery to her.  She asks what can be used as a replacement for the drink (and 2 drink minimum really is a 2 item minimum, they don't make you drink) and tries to negotiate down to 1 item!  And I'm of course paying for everything so that made it even worse that she was being all ghetto.  But she orders her Pepsi or whatever and I know the waitress immediately hates us and is going to spit in our drinks.

Norton hits the stage and I quickly realize that she has the loudest, screechiest, most obnoxious laugh ever.  It's not a big place and everyone turns towards us everytime she laughs.  I'm so embarrassed.  Now up to this point, it's already my worst date ever.  And it didn't even get bad yet.

The next few comics perform and start interacting with the audience.  So she of course decides to participate.  She starts screaming shit out and answering every question that the comedians ask.  So it gets really bad when she asks if there's anyone there from the south.  My date was originally from Texas, then moved to Buffalo, before settling in NYC.  So she says she is and the comedian asks her where in the south.  Inexplicably, she says Buffalo instead of Texas.  So everyone laughs and the comedian starts making fun of her.  This begins the heckling portion of the night.  For the rest of the night, my date insults and heckles the comics and tries out her "material" (which was atrocious) on them.  Of course she gets destroyed and I get a few shots thrown my way too just for being with her. 

Before Darrell Hammond takes the stage, the bouncer moves behind us and drills a hole into her and I know that we're getting thrown out and I'm getting my ass kicked if she so much as looks at him funny.  So I have to tell her to shut the fuck up.  I put my jacket on and put my briefcase in my lap because I'm so done with this shit that at the first sign of trouble I'm just going to leave her there alone.  Fortunately she doesn't do anything and the night mercifully ends and I'm stuck paying a ridiculously expensive check for such a mortifying experience.  I really, really should've excused myself to go to the bathroom and left her there with the check, after what she put me through she deserved it, but I couldn't do it.

So the kicker is that I'm walking out with her, visibly fuming and completely silent, and says, "Good thing I wasn't drinking (alcohol) tonight because I tend to get loud when I'm drunk."  And she wasn't being ironic.  Then she hooks my arm like we're 80 year old lovers and asks me where I'm heading to.  I tell her home.  She asks if she can come with me.  I had already told her I didn't have to be up early the next morning when I was actually hoping to score but I was no longer concerned about her feelings so I just backtracked and told her I had a long day ahead and needed to get to sleep and then thank God my train came just as we were walking down the stairs and I literally just said "Gotta go!" and ran away from her and hopped on, leaving her on the platform. 

And she called and e-mailed about 10 times over the next month before she stopped.



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 Posted: Fri Oct 26th, 2007 08:47 pm
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beejmi
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And how was the blowjob out in the parking lot?

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 Posted: Fri Oct 26th, 2007 09:34 pm
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srossi

 

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Parking lot?  This was the Village, there's no parking lots.



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This thread was great before AA ruined it.
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 Posted: Sat Oct 27th, 2007 12:27 am
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beejmi
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Okay then how was the blowjob behind the village?

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 Posted: Sat Oct 27th, 2007 05:32 am
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amerorig



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It takes a village to get a blowjob?

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