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Bad Jokes  Rating:  Rating
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 Posted: Tue Feb 3rd, 2009 10:53 pm
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151st Post
thunderbolt
HALL OF FAMER


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A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one
night he's doing a show in a small town in Arkansas.
With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blond jokes.
Suddenly, a blond woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts
shouting:

I've heard enough of your stupid blond jokes. What
makes you think you can stereotype women that way?
What does the color of a person's hair have to do with
her worth as a human being? 'It's guys like you who
keep women like me from being respected at work and in
the community, and from reaching our full potential as
a person. Because you and your kind continue to
perpetuate discrimination against not only blonds, but
women in general... and all in the name of humor!'


The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize,
and the blond yells, 'You stay out of this, Mister!
I'm talking to that little punk on your knee!

Last edited on Tue Feb 3rd, 2009 10:55 pm by thunderbolt



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The kind of man who wants the government to adopt and enforce his ideas is always the kind of man whose ideas are idiotic. ~ HL Mencken
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 Posted: Wed Feb 4th, 2009 03:23 pm
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152nd Post
lobo316



Joined: Sun Oct 14th, 2007
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Three old black ladies were preparing for their first plane flight.
The first lady said, "I don't know bout y'all, but I'm gonna wear me some hot pink panties on dis flight."
"Why you gonna wear dat?" the other two asked.
The first replied, "Cause, if dat plane goes down and I'm out dere laying butt-up in a corn field, dey gonna find me first."
The second lady says, "Well, I'm gonna wear me some bright fluorescent orange panties."
"Why you gonna wear dat?" the others asked.
The second lady answered: "Cause if dat plane goes down and I'm floating butt-up in the ocean, dey can see me first"
The third old lady says, "Well, I'm not going to wear any panties at all."
"What, no panties?!" the others said in disbelief.
"Dat's right," says the third lady "I'm not wearing any panties,cause if dat plane goes down, the first thing they always look for is da black box."

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 Posted: Sat Feb 7th, 2009 04:07 am
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153rd Post
beejmi
THE BIG KAHUNA


Joined: Sat Oct 13th, 2007
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The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident in the Bay Of
  Fundy , Nova Scotia , a man answered his door to find two grim-faced
  Mounties.
  
  'We are sorry sir, but we have some information about your wife' said one
  Mountie.
  
  'Tell me! Did you find her?' the husband shouted.
  
  The Mounties looked at each other. One said, 'We have some bad news,
  some good news, and some really great news.
  
  Which do you want to hear first?
  
  Fearing the worst, the ashen husband said, 'Give me the bad news first.'
  
  The Mountie said, 'I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found
  your wife's body in the bay.'
  
  Oh my God!' exclaimed the husband. Swallowing hard, he asked, 'What's the
  good news?'
  
  The Mountie continued, 'When we pulled her up, she had 12 twenty-five
  pound snow crabs and 6 good-size lobsters clinging to her.'
  
  Stunned, the husband demanded, 'If that's the good news, what's the
  great news?'
  
  The Mountie said, 'We're going to pull her up again tomorrow.'

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 Posted: Sat Feb 7th, 2009 04:37 am
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154th Post
Quattro

 

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Add this to the bad joke category.

Calling Ultimark a faggot in some stupid poster of the year tournament (even after similiarly insulting 10 or 15 other people in the same thread.

You get threatened with interweb violence "for real".

Last edited on Sat Feb 7th, 2009 04:38 am by Quattro

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 Posted: Sat Feb 7th, 2009 11:53 pm
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155th Post
Benlen



Joined: Sun Oct 21st, 2007
Location: Milpitas, California USA
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Sorry if its a  

A guy walks into a sperm donor bank wearing a ski mask and holding a gun. He goes up to the nurse and demands her to open the sperm bank vault. She says "But sir, its just a sperm bank!", "I don't care, open it now!!!" he replies. So she opens the door to the vault and inside are all the sperm samples. The guy says "Take one of those sperm samples and drink it!", she looks at him "BUT, they are sperm samples???" , "DO IT!". So the nurse sucks it back. "That one there, drink that one as well.", so the nurse drinks that one as well. Finally after 4 samples the man takes off his ski mask and says, "See honey - its not that hard."

Last edited on Sat Feb 7th, 2009 11:53 pm by Benlen



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Dream Well. It may come true.

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 Posted: Sun Feb 8th, 2009 10:11 pm
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156th Post
beejmi
THE BIG KAHUNA


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The new priest is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks the older priest to sit in on his sessions.


The new priest hears a couple of confessions, then the old priest asks him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions.


The old priest suggests, "Cross your arms over your chest, and rub your chin with one hand and try saying things like 'Yes, I see,'; 'Yes, go on,' and 'I understand.'"


The new priest crosses his arms, rubs his chin with one hand and repeats all the suggested remarks to the old priest.


The old priest says, "Now, don't you think that's a little better than slapping your knee and saying, "No shit!...what happened next?"


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 Posted: Sat Feb 14th, 2009 01:56 pm
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157th Post
lobo316



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Q: What's red and dances?
A: A baby on a barbecue .

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 Posted: Mon Feb 16th, 2009 05:17 pm
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158th Post
CanadianHorseman



Joined: Fri Nov 2nd, 2007
Location: Vancouver, British Columbia Canada
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A family is at the dinner table.
The son asks his father, 'Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?'
The father, surprised, answers, 'Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman's boobs are like melons, round and firm. In Her 30s to 40s, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions'.
'Onions?'
'Yes, you see them and they make you cry'.
This infuriated his wife and daughter, so the daughter said, 'Mom, how many kinds of 'willies' are there?'
The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, 'Well dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and Hard. In his 30s and 40s, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it is like a Christmas tree.
'A Christmas tree?'
'Yes --- dead from the roots up and the balls are just for decoration.
 



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 Posted: Tue Feb 17th, 2009 03:44 am
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159th Post
Benlen



Joined: Sun Oct 21st, 2007
Location: Milpitas, California USA
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The body builder takes off his shirt and the blonde says,

'What a Great chest you have!'

He tells her, 'That's 100 lbs. Of dynamite, Baby.'

He takes off his pants and the blonde says,'What massive calves you have!'

The body builder tells her, 'That's 100 lbs. Of dynamite, Baby.'

He then removes his underwear and the blonde goes running out of the apartment screaming in fear.

The body builder puts his clothes back on and chases after her. He catches up to her and asks why she ran out of the apartment like that.

The blonde replies,'I was afraid to be around all that dynamite after I saw how short the fuse was!'



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Dream Well. It may come true.

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 Posted: Tue Feb 17th, 2009 05:07 am
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160th Post
CanadianHorseman



Joined: Fri Nov 2nd, 2007
Location: Vancouver, British Columbia Canada
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Benlen - that last joke was DYNOOOOOOOOMITE !!!!!!!!!!!!




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 Posted: Sat Feb 21st, 2009 05:16 pm
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161st Post
lobo316



Joined: Sun Oct 14th, 2007
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Kid Naitch walked into a doctor's office
and the receptionist asked him what he had. Naitch said: 'Shingles.' So she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.
Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked KN what he had.

Naitch said, 'Shingles.' So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told him to wait in the examining room.

A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Naitch what he had. KN said, 'Shingles.' So the nurse gave him a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told him to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.

An hour later the doctor came in and found Naitch sitting patiently in the nude and asked him what he had. Again, Naitch said, 'Shingles.'



The doctor asked, 'Where?'



Naitch  replied, 'Outside on the truck. Where do you want me to unload 'em??'

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 Posted: Sun Feb 22nd, 2009 04:01 pm
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Kid_Naitch



Joined: Tue Oct 30th, 2007
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lobo316 wrote: Kid Naitch walked into a doctor's office
and the receptionist asked him what he had. Naitch said: 'Shingles.' So she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.
Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked KN what he had.

Naitch said, 'Shingles.' So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told him to wait in the examining room.

A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Naitch what he had. KN said, 'Shingles.' So the nurse gave him a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told him to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.

An hour later the doctor came in and found Naitch sitting patiently in the nude and asked him what he had. Again, Naitch said, 'Shingles.'



The doctor asked, 'Where?'



Naitch  replied, 'Outside on the truck. Where do you want me to unload 'em??'

That ended up being a gnarly allergic reaction, but thanks for picking that scab for me.

An old bull and a young bull stand atop a hill, looking down on a valley filled with cows. The young bull says to the old bull, "Let's run down there a screw a cow." The old bull turns to the young bull and says "No. Let's walk down there and screw all the cows."



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 Posted: Thu Feb 26th, 2009 07:27 pm
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163rd Post
CanadianHorseman



Joined: Fri Nov 2nd, 2007
Location: Vancouver, British Columbia Canada
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Karen lost her husband almost four years ago and still hasn't gotten out of her mourning stage.
Her daughter is constantly calling her and urging her to get back into the world.
Finally, Karen says she'd go out, but didn't know anyone.
Her daughter immediately replies:
"Mum, I have someone for you to meet. Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asks her to join him for a weekend in the Blue Mountains .
Their first night there, she undresses ....as he does.. there she stood nude except for a pair of Black Panties, he in his birthday suit.
Looking at her he asks: "Why the black panties? "
She replies: "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still in mourning."
He knows he's not getting lucky that night..
The following night the same scenario. She's standing there with the black panties on, and he is in his birthday suit ... except that he is wearing a black condom.
She looks at him and asks: "What's with this black condom?"
 
He replies: "I want to offer my deepest condolences"



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 Posted: Fri Feb 27th, 2009 06:24 pm
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164th Post
CanadianHorseman



Joined: Fri Nov 2nd, 2007
Location: Vancouver, British Columbia Canada
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A man pulled into the crowded parking lot at the local Shopping Mall
and rolled down the car windows to make sure his puppy had plenty of fresh air.

The pup was stretched full-out on the back seat  and he wanted to impress
upon her that she must remain there. So the man walked to the curb backward,
pointing his finger at the car and  saying emphatically, "Now you stay. Do you
hear me? Stay girl! Stay!"

The driver of a nearby car, a pretty blonde young lady, gave the man a
strange look and said,

"Why don't you just put it in park ?"



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 Posted: Sat Feb 28th, 2009 02:42 pm
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165th Post
lobo316



Joined: Sun Oct 14th, 2007
Location: Raptorville
Posts: 45720
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A high school English teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam.
"Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being there tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family - but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!"
Ports sitting in the back of the room raises his hand and asks, 
"What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"
The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says," Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."

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