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Bad Jokes  Rating:  Rating
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 Posted: Fri Apr 10th, 2009 06:50 am
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166th Post
beejmi
THE BIG KAHUNA


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Mana: 
A neutron walks into the bar and has some drinks. When the night draws to a close he asks what he owes - the bartender says "for you, there's no charge".

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 Posted: Fri Apr 10th, 2009 05:54 pm
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167th Post
lobo316



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Mana: 
An attorney went into a bar for a Martini and found himself beside a scruffy-looking drunk who kept mumbling and studying something in his hand.

He leaned closer while the drunk held the tiny object up to the light, slurring, 'Well, it looks plastic.' Then he rolled it between his fingers, adding, 'But it feels like rubber.'

Curious, the attorney asked, 'What do you have there?'

The drunk replied, 'I don't know, but it looks like plastic and feels like rubber.'

The attorney responded, 'Let me take a look.'

So the drunk handed it over and the lawyer rolled between his thumb and fingers, then examined it closely by sniffing and licking it. 'Yeah, it does look like plastic and feel like rubber, has no significant smell or taste, I sure don't know what it is.

Where did you get it?'

The drunk replied, 'Out of my nose!'

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 Posted: Thu Apr 30th, 2009 02:47 pm
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168th Post
beejmi
THE BIG KAHUNA


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Mana: 
Two nuns, Sister Catherine and Sister Helen, are traveling through  Europe in their car.
  
They get to Transylvania , and are stopped at a traffic light.
  
Suddenly, out of nowhere, a tiny little Dracula jumps onto the hood of the car, and hisses at them through the windshield.
  
'Quick,quick!', shouts Sister Catherine. 'What shall we do?'
  
'Turn the windshield wipers on.   That will get rid of the abomination', says Sister Helen.
  
Sister Catherine switches them on, knocking Dracula about, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.
  
'What shall I do now?', she shouts.
  
'Switch on the windshield washer.  I filled it up with Holy Water at the Vatican ', says Sister Helen.
  
Sister Catherine turns on the windshield washer.
  
Dracula screams as the water burns his skin, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.
  
'Now what?', shouts Sister Catherine.
  
'Show him your cross', says Sister Helen.
  
'Now you're talking', says Sister Catherine.
  
She opens the window and shouts, 'Get the fuck off the car!'

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 Posted: Thu Apr 30th, 2009 07:24 pm
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169th Post
retroken



Joined: Tue Jan 8th, 2008
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Mana: 
a guy is late for an appointement in the city, a very important appointment

he can't find a parking space and is beginning to get frantic as he circles the building

in desperation he looks up to the Heavens and says "God, if you give me a parking space I'll go to church every sunday and quit drinking!"

just as he ends his plea a space appears right in front of the building

the guy quickly looks up again and yells "never mind, I got one!"

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 Posted: Thu May 14th, 2009 02:52 pm
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170th Post
lobo316



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Mana: 
A teacher asked Johnny to use 'urinate' in a sentence.
Said Johnny: "You're an 8 but if ya had big tits you'd be a 10".

 

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 Posted: Tue May 19th, 2009 09:25 pm
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171st Post
beejmi
THE BIG KAHUNA


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A blonde and a brunette are sitting in a bar watching the 11 O'clock news when there was a report of a man standing on a window ledge threatening to jump.


"20 Bucks say he will jump" said the brunette. "OK, you are on!" said the blonde. Just at that moment the man jumps and is splattered all over the side walk. "Here is your 20 Bucks" said the blonde. The brunette took the money without saying a word.

About 30 minutes later, the brunette hands the blonde the money and says: "Here, I can't take your money. I already saw the guy jump at the 6 O'clock news." Whereas the blonde exclaimed:"Me too! I really did not think that he was going to do it again!!!!"

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 Posted: Wed May 27th, 2009 06:56 pm
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172nd Post
beejmi
THE BIG KAHUNA


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Mana: 
I was at my bank today; there was a short line. Just one lady in
front of me, an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for dollars.

It was obvious she was a little irritated....

She asked the teller, 'Why it change? Yesterday, I get
two hunat dolla fo yen. Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?'

The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, 'Fluctuations.'

The Asian lady says, 'Fluc you white people too!'

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 Posted: Thu May 28th, 2009 03:30 pm
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173rd Post
beejmi
THE BIG KAHUNA


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Mana: 
Joe is sitting on a train across from a busty blonde wearing a tiny mini skirt.

Despite his efforts, he is unable to stop staring at the top of her thighs. To his delight, he realises she has gone without underwear.

The blonde realises he is staring and inquires, "Are you looking at my pussy?"

"Yes, I'm sorry," says Joe and promises to avert his eyes.

"It's quite alright," replies the woman, "It's very talented, watch this, I'll make it blow a kiss to you."

Sure enough the pussy blows him a kiss.

Joe, who is completely absorbed, inquires what else the wonder pussy can do.

"I can also make it wink," says the woman. Joe stares in amazement as the pussy winks at him.

"Come and sit next to me," suggests the woman, patting the seat. Joe moves over and is asked, "Would you like to stick a couple of fingers in?"

Stunned, Joe replies, "Good grief! Can it whistle, too?"

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 Posted: Thu May 28th, 2009 03:32 pm
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174th Post
beejmi
THE BIG KAHUNA


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Mana: 

A cowboy from Anaconda walked into a drug store in Butte and asked to
talk to a male Pharmacist.

The elderly woman he was talking to said that she was the Pharmacist and
as she and her also widowed elderly sister owned the Store, there were
no males employed there.

She then asked if she could help the gentlemen.

The cowpoke said that this was something that he would be much more
comfortable discussing this with a male pharmacist.

The female pharmacist assured him that she was completely professional
and whatever it was that he needed to discuss, he could be confident
that she would treat him with the highest level of professionalism.

The old Copperhead agreed and began by saying, 'this is tough for me to
discuss, but I have a permanent erection. It causes me a lot of problems
and severe embarrassment, and I was wondering what you could Give me for
it.'

The Butte pharmacist said, 'Just a minute, I'll go talk to my sister.'

When she returned, she said, 'We discussed it at length and the absolute
best we can do is, 1/3 ownership in the store, a company car, and $3,000
a month, plus living expenses.

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 Posted: Tue Jun 2nd, 2009 01:05 pm
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175th Post
lobo316



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Mana: 
There were 3 girls on a plane thats about to crash.

The American girl puts on her makeup, "Rescuers will save a beautiful girl first" she said.

French girl opens her bra,"Rescuers will save a girl with beautiful tits."

The African removes her knickers and says "Fuck off, they all ways look for the black box first."

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 Posted: Tue Jun 2nd, 2009 04:10 pm
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176th Post
srossi
HALL OF FAMER
 

Joined: Sun Oct 14th, 2007
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Mana: 
A man walked into a bar.  He said, "Ouch!"



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 Posted: Tue Jun 2nd, 2009 05:45 pm
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177th Post
lobo316



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Mana: 
Three couples went in to see the minister to see how to become members of his church.The minister said that they would have to go without sex for two weeks and then come back and tell him how it went. The first couple was retired, the second couple was middle aged and the final couple were newlyweds. Two weeks went by, and the couples returned to the minister. The retired couple said it was no problem at all. The middle-aged couple said it was tough for the first week, but after that, it was no problem. The newlyweds said it was fine until she dropped the can of paint. "Can of PAINT!" exclaimed the minister. "Yeah," said the newlywed man. "She dropped the can, and when she bent over to pick it up I had to have her right there and then.lust took over." The minister just shook his head and said that they were not welcome in the church."That's okay," said the man. "We're not welcome in Home Depot either."

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 Posted: Wed Jun 3rd, 2009 11:59 am
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178th Post
beejmi
THE BIG KAHUNA


Joined: Sat Oct 13th, 2007
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Mana: 
Little Johnny and his family had a wonderful Christmas morning, everyone was happy. Later on that day Johnnys mom was busy in the kitchen fixing dinner and could hear Johnny out under the tree playing with his new train set. “Choo, Choo, arriving Los-Angeles station! Everybody who needs to get off get the fuck off everyone who needs to get on get the fuck on!”


Johnny’s mom heard this and began to get mad.


“Choo, Choo, arriving Seattle station, Everyone who need to get off get the fuck off, everyone who needs to get on get the fuck on!”


Johnnys mom threw down her spoon and rushed out into the living room, “Johnny, how dare you use that kind of launguage, I know I’ve raised you better than that, you march straight to your room and stay there for an hour and think about what you just said!”


Johnny went to his room and an hour later he came back down and started to play with the train again.


“Choo Choo, arriving Chicago station, everyone who needs to get off,” he paused, “just get off, everyone who needs to get on, get on!”


Little Johnnys mom smiled and thought to herself, “I guess a little good parenting did the trick.”


Little Johnny then went on, “and if anyone needs to know why the trains an hour late ask that cocksucker in the kitchen!”






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 Posted: Wed Jun 3rd, 2009 04:09 pm
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179th Post
srossi
HALL OF FAMER
 

Joined: Sun Oct 14th, 2007
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Mana: 
During his monthly visit to the corner barbershop, a man asked his barber for any suggestions on how to treat his increasing baldness. After a brief pause, the barber leaned over and confided that the best thing he'd come across was female juices.

"Have a beautiful woman sit on your head," the barber recommended. 

"But you're balder than I am," protested the customer.

"True," said the barber, "but you've gotta admit that I have one hell of a mustache."



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This thread was great before AA ruined it.
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 Posted: Tue Jun 9th, 2009 06:41 pm
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180th Post
lobo316



Joined: Sun Oct 14th, 2007
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Mana: 
Construction worker on the 5th floor of a building needed a handsaw. So he spots another worker on the ground floor and yells down to him, but he can't hear him. So the worker on the 5th floor tries sign language.

He pointed to his eye meaning "I", pointed to his knee meaning "need", then moved his hand back and forth in a hand saw motion. The man on the ground floor nods his head, pulls down his pants, whips out his dick and starts masturbating.

The worker on 5th floor gets so pissed off he runs down to the ground floor and says, "What the fuck is your problem!!! I said I needed a hand saw!".

The other guy says, "I knew that! I was just trying to tell you - I'm coming!"

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