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Bad Jokes  Rating:  Rating
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 Posted: Wed Jun 10th, 2009 06:21 pm
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181st Post
CanadianHorseman



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My cousin e-mailed me this one today:

A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons, nor prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted, and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the horse's side anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider. Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup; she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over. As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune.....Frank, the Wal-mart greeter, sees her dilemma and unplugs the horse.




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 Posted: Mon Jun 22nd, 2009 02:16 pm
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182nd Post
beejmi
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A blonde drops off a shirt at the cleaners. The Asian lady says, "Come Again".... The Blonde says, "No it's toothpaste this time nosey bitch

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 Posted: Mon Jun 22nd, 2009 05:00 pm
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183rd Post
lobo316



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A woman goes shoe-shopping one day. As the salesman is helping her try on shoes he notices she is not wearing panties. He looks at the woman and says, “Man, I’d love to fill that with ice cream and eat it!”
The woman slaps the man and runs home to tell her husband. The husband acts disinterested and his wife gets angry and asks, “Aren’t you going to do anything!?”
The husband replies, “First of all, you have too many shoes as it is. Second, you shouldn’t be out shopping without panties. And third of all, I’m not going to mess with anyone who can eat that much ice cream!”

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 Posted: Sun Jul 5th, 2009 08:26 pm
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184th Post
beejmi
THE BIG KAHUNA


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Guy gets on an elevator and is greeted by a beautiful blonde who says T.G.I.F.!  
 
He looks at her and replies S.H.I.T.!
 
The confused blonde once again says T.G.I.F! in a very frendly voice.
 
Once again the man replies S.H.I.T.! 
 
Clearly upset the blonde says "duh T.G.I.F means for thank goodness its friday"
 
The man replies "   S.H.I.T means sorry honey it's Thursday"

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 Posted: Sun Jul 5th, 2009 09:08 pm
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185th Post
srossi
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Q: What are Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon getting for Christmas?

A: Patrick Swayze.



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 Posted: Mon Jul 6th, 2009 05:14 pm
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186th Post
lobo316



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One day, an old lady went to the store to get some food for her dog.

When she got to the counter to pay, the cashier said she needed proof that the old lady had a dog because some old people have been known to just eat the animal food themselves.

So she went home got her puppy, bought it to the store and purchased the dog food.

One week later, she went to get some cat food.

Once again the cashier needed proof that the old lady had a cat.

So she went home, got her cat, came back and purchased the cat food.

Two weeks later, the old lady walked in the same market to buy something .

She held a bag in front of the cashier and told him to put his fingers in the bag and then smell them.

When the cashier did, he said, "It smells like shit ! "

The old lady replied, "It is!  Can I buy some toilet paper now?"

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 Posted: Fri Jul 17th, 2009 02:04 pm
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187th Post
beejmi
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Now how about this one. A rasslin' joke.


 A  Russian and a Redneck wrestler were set to square off for the Olympic
gold medal

Before the final match, the Redneck wrestler's trainer came to him and
said 'Now,don't forget all the research we've done on this
Russian. He's never lost a match becauseof this 'pretzel' hold he has.   

Whatever you do, do not let him get you in that hold!
If he does, you're finished.' The redneck nodded in acknowledgment.

As the match started, the Redneck and the Russian circled
each other several times, looking for an opening. 

All of a sudden, the Russian lunged forward, grabbing the Redneck and
wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold. 

  A sigh of disappointment arose from the crowd and the trainer buried
his face in his hands, for he knew all was  lost. 

 
He couldn't watch the inevitable happen. 

Suddenly,there was a Long, High Pitched Scream, then a cheer
 from the crowd and the trainer raised his eyes just in time to 
 watch the Russian go flying up in the air.   His back hit the mat with a thud and the Redneck collapsed on top of him, making the pin and winning the match. 

 The trainer was astounded. When he finally got his wrestler alone,he asked
'How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before !' 


The wrestler answered 'Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in
that hold but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this
pair of testicles right in front of my face. I had nothing to lose
so with my last ounce of strength, I stretched out my neck and bit
those babies just as hard as I could.' 

The trainer exclaimed 'That's what finished him off ?' 

'Not really. You'd be amazed how strong youget when you bite your own nuts' ! 

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 Posted: Fri Jul 17th, 2009 05:02 pm
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188th Post
lobo316



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A boy in the sixth grade comes home after school one day. His mother notices that he's got a big smile on his face. She asks, "Did anything special happen at school today?"
"Yes, Mom. I had sex with my English teacher!"
The mother is stunned. "You're going to talk about this with your father when he gets home."
Well, when dad comes home and hears the news he is pleased as punch. Beaming with pride, he walks over to his son and says, "Son, I hear you had sex with your English teacher."
"That's right, Dad."
"Well, you became a man today - this is cause for celebration. Let's head out for some ice cream, and then I'll buy that new bike you've been asking for."
"That sounds great, Dad, but I can I have a football instead? My ass is killing me."

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 Posted: Sun Jul 19th, 2009 09:41 am
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189th Post
CanadianHorseman



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An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, ‘Seven Points.'

His wife rolls over and says, 'What in the world was that?'
The old man replied, 'its fart football.'

A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says ‘Touchdown, tie score.'

After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says,
'Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7.'

Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says,
'Touchdown, tie score.'

Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says,
'Field goal, I lead 17 to 14.' Now the pressure is on the old man.

He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard.
Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally poops in the bed.

The wife says, 'What the hell was that?'

The old man says, 'Half time, switch sides.



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 Posted: Sun Jul 19th, 2009 09:45 am
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190th Post
CanadianHorseman



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A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon.

As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"

"Yes, I am sure.

The duck is dead," replied the vet.

"How can you be so sure?" she protested.. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room.

He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever.

As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom.

He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room.

A few minutes later he returned with a cat.

The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"

The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150."

Last edited on Sun Jul 19th, 2009 09:45 am by CanadianHorseman



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 Posted: Sun Jul 19th, 2009 09:50 am
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191st Post
CanadianHorseman



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A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and
while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place.
The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs
some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps onto the pool table, grabs one
of the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's
amazement, somehow swallows it whole.
The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just
did?" The guy says "No, what?"
He just ate the cue ball off my pool table-whole!"
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything
in sight, the little bastard. Sorry. I'll pay for the cue ball and
stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey
ate, then leaves. Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He
orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.
While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry
on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats
it. Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his butt, pulls
it out, and eats it. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks.
"No, what?" replies the guy.
"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his butt, pulled
it out, and ate it!" said the bartender.
Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He still eats
everything in sight, but ever since he had to sh*t out that cue ball,
he measures everything first."



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 Posted: Sun Jul 19th, 2009 10:50 am
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bpickering
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A man was riding his Harley along a California Beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice the Lord said, "Because you have tried to be faithul to me in all ways, I will grant you on wish."

The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii, so I can ride over everytime I want."

The Lord said, "Your request is materialistic, think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking, the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the conrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhoust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard fro me to justify yur desire for worldly thing. Take a little more time and think of something that could prossibly help mankind."

The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, "Lord, I wish that I and all men could understand women. I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, why she snaps and complains when I try to help, and how I can make a woman truly happy."

The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"



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"22 years of my fucking life just got fucking ruined!!!!"---Fan outside Wrestlemania XXX

PRO WRESTLING HALL OF FAME: http://www.angelfire.com/pa5/old (updated September 2 2018)

RIP UNITED STATES OF AMERICA 1776-2016 REBORN 2021
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 Posted: Sun Jul 19th, 2009 11:01 am
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193rd Post
bpickering
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On an airplane, a stranger turned to the little girl sitting next to him and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

The little girl, who just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, "What would you like to talk about?"

"Oh, I don't know," said the stranger.  "How about nuclear power?" and he smiles.

"ok," she said. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask your a question first. A horse, a cow and a deer all eat the same stuff-grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps fo dried grass. Why do your suppose that is?"

The stranger, visibly suprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea."

To which  the little girl replies. "Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?"  



____________________
"22 years of my fucking life just got fucking ruined!!!!"---Fan outside Wrestlemania XXX

PRO WRESTLING HALL OF FAME: http://www.angelfire.com/pa5/old (updated September 2 2018)

RIP UNITED STATES OF AMERICA 1776-2016 REBORN 2021
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 Posted: Sun Jul 19th, 2009 01:58 pm
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194th Post
lobo316



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A leper walked into a bar and sat down. The bartender glanced over and promptly threw up all over himself and the floor.
The leper looked hurt and said, "Hey, I know I'm not exactly handsome, but I do have feelings and you could be a little sensitive about them."
The bartender, wiping his mouth on his sleeve, looked up and proclaimed, "I'm sorry as hell man, but it's not you. That guy sitting next to you keeps dipping his crackers in your neck."

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 Posted: Mon Jul 20th, 2009 01:32 pm
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195th Post
beejmi
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"All Puns Intended"


1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything.."

3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.


4. A dyslexic man walked into a bra.

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm, and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

7. "Doc, I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home." "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?" "Well, It's Not Unusual."

8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," says Dolly. "It's true; no bull!" exclaims Daisy.

9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn't find any.

12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know, I amputated your arms!"

13. I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says, "Dam!"

16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Not surprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel, and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office, and asked them to disperse. "But why," they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said. "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

18. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt , and is named 'Ahmal.' The other goes to a family in Spain ; they name him 'Juan.' Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes s he also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him. a super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

20. A dwarf, who was a mystic, escaped from jail. The call went out that there was a small medium at large.

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