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Bad Jokes  Rating:  Rating
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 Posted: Mon Jul 20th, 2009 01:41 pm
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196th Post
beejmi
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A chicken farmer went to a local bar, sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne. The woman perked up and said, 'How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!'



'What a coincidence' the farmer said. 'This is a special day for me. I am celebrating.' '



This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating,' said the woman.'



'What a coincidence!' said the farmer.



As they clinked glasses he added, 'What are you celebrating?'



'My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my gynecologist told me that I am pregnant!'



'What a coincidence!' said the man. 'I'm a chicken farmer and for years all of my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying fertilized eggs.'



'That's great!' said the woman, 'How did your chickens become fertile?'



'I used a different cock,' he replied.


The woman smiled, clinked his glass

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 Posted: Mon Jul 20th, 2009 01:46 pm
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197th Post
beejmi
THE BIG KAHUNA


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An ugly man walks into his local pub with a big grin on his face.

"What are you so happy about?" asks the barman.

"Well, I'll tell you," replies the ugly man. "You know, I live by the
railroad tracks. Well, on my way home last night, I noticed a young woman
tied to the tracks, like in the films. I, of course, went and cut her
free and took her back to my place. Anyway, to make a long story short, I
scored big time! We made love all night, all over the house. We did
everything, me on top, sometimes her on top, every position imaginable!"

"Fantastic!" exclaimed the barman. "You lucky bastard, was she pretty?"

"Dunno . . . Never found the head!"

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 Posted: Mon Jul 20th, 2009 01:47 pm
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beejmi
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An Irish man went to confession in St. Patrick's Catholic Church.


'Father', he confessed, 'it has been one month since my last confession. I had sex with Nookie Green twice last month.'


The priest told the sinner, 'You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary's.'
Soon thereafter, another Irish man entered the confessional. 'Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I've had sex with Nookie Green twice a week for the past two months.'


This time, the priest questioned, 'Who is this Nookie Green?'


'A new woman in the neighborhood,' the sinner replied.


'Very well,' sighed the priest. Go and say ten Hail Mary's.;


At mass the next morning, as the priest prepared to deliver the sermon, a tall,
voluptuous, drop-dead gorgeous redheaded woman entered the sanctuary. The eyes of every man in the church fell upon her as she slowly sashayed up the aisle and sat down right in front of the priest. Her dress was green and very short, and she wore matching, shiny emerald-green shoes.


The priest and the altar boy gasped as the woman in the green dress and matching green shoes sat with her legs spread slightly apart, but just enough to realize she wasn't wearing any underwear.


The priest turned to the altar boy and whispered, 'Is that Nookie Green?'


The bug-eyed altar boy couldn't believe his ears but managed to calmly reply, 'No Father, I think it's just a reflection from her shoes'.

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 Posted: Mon Jul 20th, 2009 06:41 pm
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CanadianHorseman



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My cousin sent me this one today:

A photographer on vacation was inside a church taking photographs when he noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read '$10,000 per call'.

The American, being intrigued, asked a priest who was strolling by what the telephone was used for.

The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 you could talk to God.

The American thanked the priest and went along his way.

Next stop was in Atlanta. There, at a very large cathedral, he saw the same golden telephone with the same sign under it.

He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he saw in Orlando and he asked a nearby nun what its purpose was.

She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 he could talk to God.

'O.K., thank you,' said the American.

He then traveled to Indianapolis, Washington, Philadelphia, Boston, and New York.

In every church he saw the same golden telephone with the same '$10,000 per call' sign under it.

The American, upon leaving Vermont decided to travel up to Canada to see if Canadians had the same phone.

He arrived in Canada, and again, in the first church he entered, there was the same golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read '50 cents per call.'

The American was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign. 'Father, I've traveled all over America and I've seen this same golden telephone in many churches. I'm told that it is a direct line to heaven, but in the US the price was$10,000 per call. Why is it so cheap here?'

The priest smiled and answered, 'You're in Canada now, son ... it's a local call.'


 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Last edited on Mon Jul 20th, 2009 06:43 pm by CanadianHorseman



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 Posted: Mon Jul 20th, 2009 08:16 pm
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lobo316



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Bob goes into the public restroom and sees this guy standing next to the urinal. The guy has no arms. As Bob's standing there, taking care of business, he wonders to himself how the poor wretch is going to take a leak.
Bob finishes and starts to leave when the man asks Bob to help him out. Being a kind soul, Bob says, "Ah, OK, sure, I'll help you."
The man asks, "Can you unzip my zipper?"
Bob says, "OK."
Then the man says, "Can you pull it out for me?"
Bob replies, "Uh, yeah, OK."
Bob pulls it out and it has all kinds of mold and red bumps, with hair clumps, rashes, moles, scabs, scars, and reeks something awful. Then the guy asks Bob to point it for him, and Bob points for him. Bob then shakes it, puts it back in and zips it up.
The guy tells Bob, "Thanks, man, I really appreciate it."
Bob says, "No problem, but what the hell's wrong with your penis?"
The guy pulls his arms out of his shirt and says, "I don't know, but I ain't touching it.

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 Posted: Thu Jul 23rd, 2009 03:36 pm
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beejmi
THE BIG KAHUNA


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A city cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street when a little
girl on her new shiny bike stopped beside him.

'Nice bike,' the cop said, 'Did Santa bring it to you?'

'Yep,' the little girl said, 'he sure did!' 

The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $5 ticket for a safety violation. The cop said, 'Next year tell Santa to put a reflector light on the back of it.'

The young girl looked up at the cop and said, 'Nice horse you got, did
Santa bring it to you?' 

'Yes, he sure did,' chuckled the cop.

The little girl looked up at the cop and said, 'Next year tell Santa
the dick goes underneath the horse, not on top
.'

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 Posted: Thu Jul 23rd, 2009 04:10 pm
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202nd Post
lobo316



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A man who just got a raise decides to buy a new scope for his rifle. He goes to a rifle shop, and asks the clerk to show him a scope.
The clerk takes out a scope, and says to the man, "This scope is so good, you can see my house all the way up on that hill."
The man takes a look through the scope, and starts laughing.
"What's so funny?" asks the clerk.
"I see a naked man and a naked woman running around in the house." the man replies.
The clerk grabs the scope from the man, and looks at his house. Then he hands two bullets to the man and says, "Here are two bullets, I'll give you this scope for nothing if you take these two bullets, shoot my wife's head off and shoot the guy's dick off."
The man takes another look through the scope and says, "You know what? I think I can do that with one shot!"

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 Posted: Fri Aug 7th, 2009 03:51 pm
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beejmi
THE BIG KAHUNA


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A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car  
and was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a blonde. 
 
The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's license. She dug through  
her purse and was getting progressively more agitated. 'What does it  
look like?' she finally asked.. 
 
The policewoman replied, 'It's square and it has your picture on it.' 
 
The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it and  
handed it to the policewoman. 'Here it is,' she said. 
 
The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying,  
'OK, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop.’ 

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 Posted: Thu Aug 13th, 2009 02:36 pm
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204th Post
lobo316



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There's an elderly man and woman sitting in the sunroom of a retirement home. The old man says to the woman, "For five dollars, I'll have sex with you on that rocking chair over there. For ten dollars, I'll have sex with you on that couch. But for twenty dollars, I'll take you to my room, light a few candles and give you a romantic evening of passion you'll never forget."The woman considers it a moment and then, after fishing through her purse, produces a twenty dollar bill. The man says, "So, you want the romantic night in my room, eh?" The woman replies, "No, I want four times in the rocker."

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 Posted: Mon Aug 31st, 2009 07:48 pm
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beejmi
THE BIG KAHUNA


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Two guys were walking down the street when they see a dog sitting on the curb licking his balls.

"Man, I wish I could do that", said one man.

The other man looked at him and said, "Don't you think you should pet him first?"

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 Posted: Sun Sep 6th, 2009 03:32 pm
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lobo316



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A boy is sent to the rabbi for Bar Mitzvah preparation.
During the lesson the boy asks the rabbi "What is fornication"
The rabbi is taken aback but realizes that the boy will soon become a man and decides to show him what it is.
They get in the car and park in front of the Eureka Hotel.
The rabbi spots a whore coming out of the hotel and calls her over. He explains the situation to her and gives her $100 and asks her to show the boy all about sex.
Two hours later the boy comes out of the hotel smiling broadly.
The rabbi asked the boy why he asked for the meaning of fornication.

The boy says "Last night we were talking about the Bar Mitzvah and my mother said that for an occasion like that we should have an orchestra."

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 Posted: Fri Sep 11th, 2009 02:26 pm
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beejmi
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A lesson on how consultants can make a difference in an organization. 

Last week, we took some friends to a new restaurant, 'Steve's Place,' and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. 
It seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I observed that he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. 

Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup I inquired, 'Why the spoon?' 

'Well, 'he explained, 'the restaurant's owner hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all of our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. 

If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift.' 

As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he replaced it with his spare. 'I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now.' I was impressed. 

I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly. 

Looking around, I saw that all of the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So, before he walked off, I asked the waiter, 'Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?' 

'Oh, certainly!' Then he lowered his voice. 'Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also learned that we can save time in the restroom. 

By tying this string to the tip of our you-know-what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39%. 

I asked quietly, 'After you get it out, how do you put it back?' 

'Well,' he whispered, 'I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon.'

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 Posted: Fri Sep 11th, 2009 06:33 pm
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lobo316



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A cucumber and a pickle are having a conversation and the pickle says to the cucumber, "You know my life really sucks. Whenever I get big, fat and juicy they sprinkle seasonings over me and stick me in a jar."

So the cucumber says, "Yeah, you think that's bad ... whenever I get big, fat and juicy they slice me up and they put me over salad."

So this penis is walking by and overhears their conversation and says, "You think that your life is tough? Whenever I get big, fat and juicy, they put a plastic bag over my head, stick me in a dark smelly room and make me do push ups until I throw up!"

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 Posted: Thu Sep 17th, 2009 08:27 pm
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beejmi
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Ten Thoughts to Ponder for 2010

Number 10

Life is sexually transmitted.
 

Number 9
 
Good health is merely the slowest

 possible rate at which one can die. 

Number 8
 
Men have two emotions:
 
Hungry and Horny. If you see him without

 an erection, make him a sandwich. 

Number 7
 
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day,
 

teach a person to use the Internet 
and they won't bother you for weeks. 

Number 6
 
Some people are like a Slinky
... 
Not really good for anything,

but you still can't help but smile 
when you shove them down the stairs. 

Number 5
 
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday,
 
lying in hospitals dying of nothing.. 

Number 4
 
All of us could take a lesson from the weather.
 
It pays no attention to Criticism. 

Number 3
 
Why does a slight tax increase cost you $200.00
 
and a substantial tax cut saves you $30.00? 

Number 2
 
In the 60's,
 people took acid to make the world weird. 
Now the world is Weird and people 

take Prozac to make it normal.


And The Number 1 Thought For 2009
 : 
" Life is like a jar of Jalapeno peppers 
What you do today, might Burn Your Ass Tomorrow"

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 Posted: Sat Sep 19th, 2009 02:32 pm
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210th Post
lobo316



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A young Jewish couple had only recently set up housekeeping when an unfortunate incident occurred. Early one morning, the wife, drowsy from bed, went to the toilet to pee and neglected to notice that the seat was up. When she sat, she kept going!

She was just the right size and shape so that she became jammed into the toilet past her waist with her legs sticking straight up in front of her. She cried for her husband, who rushed in, and for the next hour tried desperately to free her.

In this process, they removed her sleeping gown, but this only left her naked and still stuck, with a particular part of her anatomy prominently visible between her splayed legs. Finally, the couple resolved to call a plumber, despite the embarrassing nature of their problem.

When the plumber arrived, the young man let him in, but as they were walking to the bathroom, the young man realized that his wife was exposed in a very compromising and humiliating way. Thinking fast, he ran ahead of the plumber and placed the first thing he could think of, his yarmulke skull cap, over his wife's exposed privates.

The plumber walked into the bathroom, took one long look, and commented: "Well, I think I can save your wife, buddy, but
the Rabbi's a goner."

Last edited on Sun Sep 20th, 2009 02:25 pm by lobo316

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