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Bad Jokes  Rating:  Rating
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 Posted: Sat Sep 19th, 2009 06:43 pm
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CanadianHorseman



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lobo316 wrote: A young Jewish couple had only recently set up housekeeping when an unfortunate incident occurred. Early one morning, the wife, drowsy from bed, went to the toilet to pee and neglected to notice that the seat was up. When she sat, she kept going!

She was just the right size and shape so that she became jammed into the toilet past her waist with her legs sticking straight up in front of her. She cried for her husband, who rushed in, and for the next hour tried desperately to free her.

In this process, they removed her sleeping gown, but this only left her naked and still stuck, with a particular part of her anatomy prominently visible between her splayed legs. Finally, the couple resolved to call a plumber, despite the embarrassing nature of their problem.

When the plumber arrived, the young man let him in, but as they were walking to the bathroom, the young man realized that his wife was exposed in a very compromising and humiliating way. Thinking fast, he ran ahead of the plumber and placed the first thing he could think of, his yarmulke skull cap, over his wife's exposed privates.

The plumber walked into the bathroom, took one long look, and commented: "Well, I think I can save your wife, buddy, but

:shock: DAMMIT - how does this joke end ?????????????



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 Posted: Sun Sep 20th, 2009 02:28 pm
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lobo316



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CanadianHorseman wrote: lobo316 wrote: A young Jewish couple had only recently set up housekeeping when an unfortunate incident occurred. Early one morning, the wife, drowsy from bed, went to the toilet to pee and neglected to notice that the seat was up. When she sat, she kept going!

She was just the right size and shape so that she became jammed into the toilet past her waist with her legs sticking straight up in front of her. She cried for her husband, who rushed in, and for the next hour tried desperately to free her.

In this process, they removed her sleeping gown, but this only left her naked and still stuck, with a particular part of her anatomy prominently visible between her splayed legs. Finally, the couple resolved to call a plumber, despite the embarrassing nature of their problem.

When the plumber arrived, the young man let him in, but as they were walking to the bathroom, the young man realized that his wife was exposed in a very compromising and humiliating way. Thinking fast, he ran ahead of the plumber and placed the first thing he could think of, his yarmulke skull cap, over his wife's exposed privates.

The plumber walked into the bathroom, took one long look, and commented: "Well, I think I can save your wife, buddy, but

:shock: DAMMIT - how does this joke end ?????????????


 

Damn, forgot to include the punchline. Call it a joke cliffhanger. I've edited the post.

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 Posted: Mon Oct 5th, 2009 08:28 pm
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CanadianHorseman



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A woman asks her husband, 'Would you like some bacon and eggs, a slice
of toast, and maybe some grapefruit and coffee?'

He declines. 'Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now. It's this
Viagra,' he says. 'It's really taken the edge off my appetite.'

At lunchtime she asks him if he would like something . . . . . 'a bowl of
soup, homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich?'

He declines. 'The Viagra,' he says, 'really trashes my desire for food.'

Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat. 'Would you like a
juicy rib eye steak and scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a rotisserie chicken

He declines again . . . . . 'No,' he says, 'it's got to be the Viagra . . .
. . I'm still not hungry.' . . . . .

'Well,' she says, 'Would you mind letting me up? I'm starving.'



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 Posted: Tue Oct 6th, 2009 03:49 pm
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beejmi
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Question: What's the main problem with Barack Obama jokes?

Answer: His followers don't think they're funny and everyone else doesn't think they're jokes.

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 Posted: Wed Oct 14th, 2009 09:51 pm
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beejmi
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A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"

The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and suck your tits dry."
Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"

He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."

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 Posted: Tue Oct 27th, 2009 02:29 pm
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lobo316



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The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.

Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, 'Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see? '

'The Lone Ranger replies, 'I see millions of stars.'

'What that tell you?' asked Tonto.

The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, 'Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What's it tell you, Tonto?'

'You dumber than buffalo shit. It means someone stole the tent.

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 Posted: Tue Oct 27th, 2009 02:33 pm
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beejmi
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Redneck Medical Terminology
* Artery......................The study of paintings.
* Benign.......................
What you be after you be eight.
* Bacteria....................
Back door to cafeteria.
* Barium......................
What doctors do when patients die.
* Cesarean Section..........
A neighborhood in Rome.
* Catscan......................
Searching for Kitty.
* Cauterize...................
Made eye contact with her.
* Colic........................
A sheep dog.
* Coma.......................
A punctuation mark.
* D&C..........................
Where Washington is.
* Dilate........................
To live long.
* Enema........................
Not a friend.
* Fester........................Quicker than someone else.
* Fibula.......................
A small lie.
* Genital.....................
Non-Jewish person.
* G.I.Series..................
World Series of military baseball.
* Hangnail....................
What you hang your coat on.
* Impotent...................
Distinguished, well known.
* Labor Pain.................
Getting hurt at work.
* Medical Staff..............
A Doctor's cane.
* Morbid......................
A higher offer than I bid.
* Nitrates....................
Cheaper than day rates.
* Node.........................
I knew it.
* Outpatient..................
A person who has fainted.
* Pap Smear.................
A fatherhood test.
* Pelvis.......................
Second cousin to Elvis.
* Post Operative............
A letter carrier.
* Recovery Room...........
Place to do upholstery.
* Rectum....................
Darn near killed him.
* Secretion..................
Hiding something
* Seizure.....................
Roman emperor.
* Tablet......................
A small table.
* Terminal Illness...........
Getting sick at the airport.
* Tumor.......................
More than one.
* Urine........................
Opposite of you're out
* Varicose....................Near by

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 Posted: Tue Nov 3rd, 2009 06:34 pm
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CanadianHorseman



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How Many Sports & Wrestling Forum Users Does it Take to Change a Light Bulb ????                                                                                                                

- 1 to change the bulb
- 1 to post and announce that the bulb was changed
- 14 to share similar experiences and to show new ways to change light bulbs
- 7 to warn of dangers arising from changing light bulbs
- 27 to correct grammatical errors that appeared in posts about changing light bulbs
- 53 to make fun of those who corrected the grammar mistakes
- 2 professionals to specify that the term is incorrect, it should be called a "lamp"
- 15 who allegedly worked in the field and the word "light bulb" is as correct as "lamp"
- 49 who say that the forum is not about light bulbs and the discussion should be moved to a forum about light bulbs
- 71 who say that as long as all use light bulbs, the discussion is useful on the forum
- 36 to discuss which are the best ways to change the light bulbs, which are best, where you can buy and how much they cost.
- 27 to post links to sites where they can see various models of light bulbs
- 14 to say that the links are incorrect and post the correct ones
- 33 to quote what was posted up in the thread and answer each one with "ME TOO"
- 6 to correct users and push them to use the forum search function
- 12 to post to the forum they finally quit because of divergences on the subject about light bulbs
- 23 to say "search on Google first and if you can not find anything about light bulbs then ask on the forum"
- 16 posts where two members discuss something totally different than the subject at hand
- 24 posts that are indications to use private messaging or e-mail
- 1 moderator to warn that if this does not stop he will close the topic
- 1 new member of the Forum responds 6 months after the last post and all starts again from the beginning



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 Posted: Tue Nov 3rd, 2009 09:04 pm
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lobo316



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Rosie O'Donnell was touring the countryside in a chauffeur-driven car. Suddenly, a cow jumps out onto the road. They hit it full on and the car comes to a stop. Rosie in her usual charming manner, says to the chauffeur: “You get out and check - you were driving”.
The chauffeur gets out, checks and reports that the animal is dead. “You were driving; go and tell the farmer”, says Rosie.
Five hours later, the chauffeur returns totally plastered, hair ruffled with a big grin on his face.
“My god, what happened to you?” asks Rosie. The chauffeur replies, “When I got there, the farmer opened his best bottle of malt whisky, the wife cooked  me a great meal and the daughter made love to me”.
“What on earth did you say?” asks Rosie. “I knocked on the door, and when it was answered, I said to them, “I'm Rosie O'Donnell's chauffeur and I've just killed the cow”.

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 Posted: Tue Nov 17th, 2009 02:25 pm
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beejmi
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Ashley walked into the White House for the first day of her internship and was greeted by the President. After a tour, he asked, "Would you like to see the Presidential Clock?"

Ashley got suspicious and said, "I've heard certain things about you, Mr. President, and I don't think that would be a smart idea."

"Nonsense," said the President. "It's just a clock." Ashley reluctantly agreed. The President led her to an empty Oval Office, closed the door, dropped his pants and pulled it out.

In a surprised tone, Ashley said, "That's not the Presidential Clock; it's the Presidential Cock."

The President responded, "Ashley, honey, put a face and two hands on it, and it's a clock."

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 Posted: Tue Nov 17th, 2009 02:59 pm
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indikator

 

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Maybe this will entertain you, a concentration camp joke. And you can tell it, too.

Basically, all you have to do is to say the following when people talk about the holocaust.

"I am deeply offended by this - my grandfather died in a concentration camp...."

Everybody else will have a shocked look on their face. Then you continue

"... he fell from his watchtower in a drunken stupor".

Then just look at the jaws of all the other people drop. Then say its just a joke. Hilarity ensues in one way or another.

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 Posted: Tue Nov 17th, 2009 08:14 pm
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beejmi
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"Concentration Camp" humor is very under-rated

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 Posted: Tue Nov 17th, 2009 08:59 pm
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srossi
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beejmi wrote: "Concentration Camp" humor is very under-rated
Where's Hogan's Heroes when you need it.



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 Posted: Wed Nov 18th, 2009 03:08 pm
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lobo316



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Well, if you want concentration camp humor,.........

Hitler was inspecting one of his camps when he spotted a Jew playing
with an ashtray.
Asked Adolph:"Looking for someone ? "

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 Posted: Wed Nov 18th, 2009 03:59 pm
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khawk
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lobo316 wrote: Well, if you want concentration camp humor,.........

Hitler was inspecting one of his camps when he spotted a Jew playing
with an ashtray.
Asked Adolph:"Looking for someone ? "





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